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15 October 2019 @ 02:47 pm
LJ Idol Season 11: "Hammer Time"  
Hammer Time
idol season 11 | week 3 |577 words
Everything looks like a nail

x-x-x-x-x

Okay, first of all, I do not have an attitude problem, all right? Those are just rumors. And lies. And crap my cousin Jackie says, 'cause he thinks it's funny or something.

None of that matters. Here's what you need to know:

You can pay consultants to do almost anything these days—offer advice, design buildings, plan weddings, manage your money, etc., etc. But those services don't come cheap, and not everyone can afford them. That's where I come in—'cause baby, I can handle anything you need.

See, I'm what you might call a 'fixer.' Whatever you've got that sticks up or out, I will slam that sucker down and flatten it into the landscape for you. Whoo! Problem solved!

I know what you're thinking: "Wait, what if that thing is my toe?"

No worries! One good bang will take care of everything. Whatever was bothering you before, you'll forget alllll about it.

Now, my frenemy colleague, Malcolm Mallet, is always bragging about what a light touch he has. Okay, so I'm not good at being subtle, so what? It's not how I was made. How is that my fault?

I'll tell you this: they never bring Malcom in for the heavy-duty work. You want reliability, you call me. I'll get the job done.

I'm not perfect, of course. A few broken tiles here, a cracked alternator there… Hey, these things happen! And my run-ins with walls are legendary, too. Stupid walls. They're so freakin' flimsy.

And sure, I've had complaints from a few screws over the years. They say I "grind their feet off" and crap like that. But if they weren't so damn stubborn and didn't fight me the whole way, maybe that wouldn't be an issue, you know?

But I try to be a good guy. I even do some volunteer work from time to time. I'll wander around looking at stuff and seeing what needs to be done. If I find something, I'll go for it—no thanks, no trophy. It's just me, doing the right thing and hoping it helps someone out.

In fact, that's what I'm up to right now. I've spent the last hour bopping around the neighborhood and getting things back in shape. That loose hose-clamp two blocks back on Westfield? Bam! Problem solved. Or the flood lights in that garden over on Bell Street? I've got you covered. Wham wham wham! There you go. Those'll never bother you again.

Groveland Avenue is coming up ahead, so I'm almost finished. Another successful day of vigilante repair work for the books! Not bad for an Ace Hardware standard-issue product, if I do say so myself.

Oh, wait, something's moving over there in the grass. A rogue lawn sprinkler, maybe? No. It's not even metal. Looks like some kind of dark fuzzy thing sticking up out of a hole…

Ooh! I went to a carnival once with my friend, Air Rifle Andy, and they had a game just like this. That thing was made for me, let me tell you. I was all over it. What a day!

Okay then, you furry freak, you want to tango? Let's do it. I'll just slide up here through the grass and sneak around from behind and… Oh yeah, I've got you now buddy, you bucktoothed bean-headed little mutant.

Wham! Hah-hah! Buh-bye, sucker! Yeah, baby, that thing is history.

Wait, what the—

Oh, no. Oh no, oh God, please no.

So much blood…


--/--

I wonder if Gary knew this is what I would write this week? \o?

If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

 
 
 
adoptedwriteradoptedwriter on October 15th, 2019 10:43 pm (UTC)
Whack-a-Mole! LOL
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 15th, 2019 11:06 pm (UTC)
Now you can see where it leads, once you've exposed someone not-very-discerning to what it's all about. :O
cindy: misc fictsuki_no_bara on October 16th, 2019 04:11 am (UTC)
>>I know what you're thinking: "Wait, what if that thing is my toe?"<<

*snerk* this is great. well, except for the poor mole....
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 16th, 2019 07:51 am (UTC)
Haha--you can tell he never even really listens to anyone. He just goes, "La-la-la-la... Hey, the time to the next Blam! is what now?"
Gardening at Night: Thoughts: One Treecacophonesque on October 16th, 2019 08:08 pm (UTC)
I wasn't expecting this to be quite so literal when I first embarked on the reading journey. It just kinda snuck up on me until I was like "Ooohhhhh."
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 16th, 2019 08:50 pm (UTC)
:D Heh-heh. The painfully literal approach to a prompt like this is one I really enjoy. During some of my crackiest periods (as in, most of S10), that is often the version of the story I actually want to write. ;)

Glad you enjoyed it! :D
(no subject) - alycewilson on October 19th, 2019 09:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on October 19th, 2019 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - alycewilson on October 19th, 2019 11:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
nikkiii_brownnikkiii_brown on October 17th, 2019 01:54 pm (UTC)
Okay then, you furry freak, you want to tango? Let's do it. I'll just slide up here through the grass and sneak around from behind and… Oh yeah, I've got you now buddy, you bucktoothed bean-headed little mutant.

I laughed out loud. XD
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 12:56 am (UTC)
YAY! Glad to hear it. \o/
sunouttomorrowsunouttomorrow on October 17th, 2019 04:35 pm (UTC)
I love the humor you write with. This was great!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 12:56 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Direst Ryl: Amor Volat Undiqueryl on October 17th, 2019 10:37 pm (UTC)
It's all right, little hammer. Another mole will pop out. And then another and another until you can't keep up.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 12:58 am (UTC)
I think the poor guy is done, now. Traumatized for life by encountering a REAL mole!

In reality, it seems like 'Whac-a-mole' should be 'Whac-a-gopher', because gophers are much more destructive and persistent. But the name just doesn't sound as good...
lawchickylawchicky on October 17th, 2019 10:59 pm (UTC)
This was so great- and as much as I thought I knew what was coming, I really didn't.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 12:58 am (UTC)
I'm glad I could surprise you. My work here is done! :D
A Karmic Sandbox: May Daykarmasoup on October 18th, 2019 12:38 am (UTC)
See, I knew there was going to be blowback from all these live action remakes!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 01:00 am (UTC)
Haha! One day you live-action the wrong thing, and epic grossness ensues. #scarred4life #mistakesWereMade
marlawentmad: pic#129132727marlawentmad on October 18th, 2019 03:42 am (UTC)
Your tone is quite amusing, what a take!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2019 08:25 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hey, who else would immediately want to write the hammer POV? But somebody's got to tell that story, damnit! :D
rayasorayaso on October 19th, 2019 05:29 pm (UTC)
""Wait, what if that thing is my toe?" I think you've invented a new game -- Whack-A-Toe! It can be played by yourself, or better, the expanded version using other people's feet. And never bring Malcolm Mallet to a construction party; not tough enough and definitely a lightweight hitter. I love how this moves from vigilante repair work to Whack-A-Mole -- with real moles! If a vigilante hammer showed up at our house, I wouldn't say no to a little free hammer-style repair work. This was so funny! And so well crafted, with your usual choice of just the right word.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 19th, 2019 08:17 pm (UTC)
:D I don't think anyone would actually enjoy having their feet involved in "Whack-a-toe." Smacking OTHER people's feet, sure, but not your own. Much like toddlers who enjoy biting other people. :O

I'm not sure you want the hammer's style of 'repair' work anywhere near you. I mean, those floodlights were just minding their own business before he decided they were some kind of problem!
brienneofsnarkbrienneofsnark on October 19th, 2019 07:04 pm (UTC)
This piece was surprising and a lot of fun to read! Wonderful work!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 19th, 2019 08:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D
bewizebewize on October 19th, 2019 09:55 pm (UTC)
Loved the tone of this piece.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 19th, 2019 10:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write-- the "crack" ones always are. :)
tonithegreat: cattonithegreat on October 19th, 2019 10:50 pm (UTC)
Ha! I agree with your other comments; excellent tone here. Though I also feel bad for that mole!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 20th, 2019 09:38 pm (UTC)
Oh, me too. I think even the hammer feels bad for him now!
Laura, aka "Ro Arwen": Red Panda - Smile!roina_arwen on October 20th, 2019 03:03 pm (UTC)
Awesome sauce! 🤣
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 20th, 2019 09:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Ellisonellison on October 20th, 2019 08:17 pm (UTC)
The voice in this one is so NYC tough guy, and I'm here for it. XD Nice work!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 20th, 2019 09:39 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! Well, I would hardly expect a hammer to be anything else. Especially one that's so single-minded that he really DOES treat everything like a nail.

So glad you enjoyed it! :D