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11 September 2006 @ 10:49 pm
Supernatural Drabbles (Gen, Mixed): Far Away So Close  
Title: Far Away So Close
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam and Dean (Gen, Mixed)
Rating: PG
Summary: Never enough and never lasting…
Author’s Notes: 4x100 Drabbles on “Touch or Feeling” for supernatural100. The title is from a film by Wim Wenders.

x-x-x-x-x

Stealing In (Sam)
The warmth of his mother’s hand is long forgotten.

There is only the random comfort of relatives, of Dad and Dean.

Sam is as starved for touch as he is for understanding. Never quite who he was expected to be, and not accepted for who he was, he needed more than the love of a soldier… more than the promise of vengeance.

When it comes, it is so wrong he cannot name it. It’s inside himself, in his thoughts whether he sleeps or wakes.

There should be no touching without fingers. And none at all, when he never gave consent.



Already Gone (Dean, Het)
No two are the same, though he rarely remembers their names. Their hair, their smiles… their swells and curves, their willowy grace. Their eyes have watched him—sparkling or sly, wistful or still. In all the ranges of colors, it’s the expressions that are never alike.

This one waits for him, for the dance to begin again. His fingers stroke along welcoming flesh, coaxing the walls on down until it’s the two of them together

Sometime’s it’s so real… and then he’s even lonelier by morning.

It’s a moment. A possibility.

But it’s never anything he’ll be able to keep.



*~*~* The following two drabbles can be read as Gen or Wincest, depending on your mood *~*~*


Decoding The Distance
This complicated dance with Dean is measured in the distance that lies between them.

When Dean’s far enough away to raise his voice, to get up and fetch things that are sitting next to Sam... that’s as bad as it gets before they just stop speaking.

When Dean is near, an arm’s reach away, they’re running even but they’re not quite close.

When Dean’s heat is pressing against his side… it’s because Sam’s falling and Dean will always be there to catch him.

The day Dean lets Sam cozy up close is the day Sam will know he’s been forgiven.



Imbalance
Dean’s hand on his shoulder in the dark is a blessing Sam’s not supposed to acknowledge.

It’s a poultice, not a promise. Is Dean embarrassed by Sam’s weakness, or afraid that it’s his own?

Sam didn’t ask to always take without ever giving back. Dean’s got him trapped here, bound by a convention that screams ingratitude while silently begging for the chance to make Dean whole.

Sam’s allowed to need Dean’s comfort, but not to want it. Pretending it didn’t happen is tomorrow’s inevitable lie.

It helps. And it matters. So why won’t Dean ever let Sam love him back?



------ fin ------

 
 
 
faithinfaithfaithinfaith on September 12th, 2006 06:04 am (UTC)
I liked them all a lot, but the first one, kind of took my breath away.

IMO this is a VERY powerful line: "he needed more than the love of a soldier… more than the promise of vengeance."

for me it's kind of a key thing in this show....

Well done! :)

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Faith!

for me it's kind of a key thing in this show....
It is for me also. All of the danger and ugliness in what they do aside (ugly but important), part of what Sam really dislikes about that life is that it has always left him empty. There isn't enough to anchor him to it... and his father has simply never given him what he needed. Really, I'm not sure John ever even saw what Sam needed, or if he did then he dismissed it far too soon.
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on September 12th, 2006 06:19 am (UTC)
They're so beautiful, but I agree with faithinfaith. Just...yes.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
It's interesting that that's the one line that really sticks out for everyone-- but I guess it's because it defines everything that Sam's relationship with his Dad both was and lacked... and how that was never enough to sustain Sam (and never will be).
bluesister on September 12th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC)
Never quite who he was expected to be, and not accepted for who he was, he needed more than the love of a soldier… more than the promise of vengeance.

me three
All of these are good but that is whoa.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :D I guess i'm going to have to go with the crowd here-- but I think all of you see in those words the same thing I meant when I wrote them.

Everything it was and wasn't... and why that can never be enough for Sam.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:38 pm (UTC)
But it’s never anything he’ll be able to keep. Oh, Dean... poor Dean
That one's new for me, because I just hate Dean's slutting around. So this is a take on the opposite-- of whether he would like to be looking for something more (someone like a Kassie, for the longer haul) and sometimes regrets that it's hopeless.

Their inexorable, painful dance... oh. Yes. You nailed it, and it's so broken.
I'd really hoped to show something with these last two. They could easily be Gen-- because they're actually canon. And underneath it is all the Why. How did they get from Dean's devotion and Sam's adoration to this broken, stumbling space where they're so rarely in synch (and never all the way).

Just killed me. Stone dead.. Gorgeous and true and oh...
Oh! Thank you! For me, if Sam is paying attention at all... this should be the question he asks himself all the time (and how to fix it).

Thank you, Claire!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on September 18th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC)
I've always felt that Dean's slutty behaviour (whilst not abnormal for a guy his age...) has more to do with him looking for love and approval than sex, after all if he's sleeping with someone then they like him, could be perceived to need him, right at that moment.
I love this idea altogether. And this is a neuroses that so many women exhibit that we don't often think of men doing the same as well.

Dean needs to be needed. To be wanted. And he's going about it the wrong way, but it's the only way he can manage with the way they live. To solve this problem, he needs either Sam (hence the Wincest) or he needs to leave this life.

And leaving, in his mind, is not an option. :(
i want to cause a ruckusgeminigrl11 on September 12th, 2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, "Imbalance" hit me where I live!!!

"Dean’s got him trapped here, bound by a convention that screams ingratitude while silently begging for the chance to make Dean whole." That's just - ugh, it's SO true! Wincest or otherwise!

and "Stealing In" is just - it's masterful. They all are.

*hearts you* *mems this*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, "Imbalance" hit me where I live!!!
Oh, me too. It comes up as a recurring theme in some of my fics-- the frustration of it all, of Dean's need for love and refusing to accept it, of Sam's lack of consideration and sensitivity which are in part due to Dean making Sam who he is and also punishing him (by deflection or withdrawal) whenever Sam tries to stop being that. It's so true, and just so maddening! Which is part of their fascinating complexity.

So glad you like these, and I always adore hearing from you. Thank you. :) ♥
     Mandya_phoenixdragon on September 14th, 2006 07:33 am (UTC)
Dayum!

Damn!!!

Damn....

*Huggles you*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 14th, 2006 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oooh, I like that response! Thank you! *hugs back*
Pheebs1pheebs1 on September 14th, 2006 11:20 pm (UTC)
I read these and cannot believe I didnt comment already, so, Imbalance is just amazing. I know most will probably read it as wincest, but this is absolutely how I see their Gen brotherly relationship.Sam didn’t ask to always take without ever giving back. AARGH It's the tragedy of Sam, if that's not too melodramatic. Dean creates their relationship boundaries as much as Sam does.

Goodness I'm not making sense. I LOVED THEM!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 15th, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
Imbalance is just amazing. I know most will probably read it as wincest, but this is absolutely how I see their Gen brotherly relationship.
It actually was written as Gen in my mind, though it can be read as Wincest as well. But if you just take exactly what's written... it's canon. And it's the biggest part of what doesn't work between them the way it should, the way that you just know it used to way back when.

Dean creates their relationship boundaries as much as Sam does.
Yes! That was exactly the point I wanted to make here. The way Dean gives affection but won't take it, the way he tells Sam what Sam needs to hear but deflects what he needs to hear himself as soon as Sam starts to say it... that is all Dean's doing. The trick for Sam is to find ways to show all of that instead of saying it. Otherwise, Dean is never going to listen.

You are making sense-- I know exactly what you mean. And thank you! :D
Pheebs1pheebs1 on September 15th, 2006 08:50 pm (UTC)
The trick for Sam is to find ways to show all of that instead of saying it. Otherwise, Dean is never going to listen.
And that's tiring for Sam. Sam gets too much stick, sometimes, for not being sympathetic enough to Dean. Relationships are too people etc!

& thank you for writing such a thinky piece.
Pixpixel_0 on September 15th, 2006 02:04 am (UTC)
Here I am, working my way through all of your fic that I haven't yet read. My "To Read" folder is getting a bit too big for my liking, so I've got to work on actually reading fic now...

I agree with everyone else that commented that this line: Never quite who he was expected to be, and not accepted for who he was, he needed more than the love of a soldier… more than the promise of vengeance. is so incredibly powerful.

Also, another point that I found interesting: Is Dean embarrassed by Sam’s weakness, or afraid that it’s his own? It seems so true, and I could definitely see Dean worry about such things. He always has to keep his strength up, whether physical or emotional, and weaknesses can be so harmful to him.

Beautiful job on all. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 17th, 2006 11:40 pm (UTC)
is so incredibly powerful.
Thank you. It's just so... life with John, isn't it? Where Dean kept hoping that someday he'd get the more that he needed, and Sam realized that he wouldn't and that it wasn't enough right now.

It seems so true, and I could definitely see Dean worry about such things. He always has to keep his strength up, whether physical or emotional, and weaknesses can be so harmful to him.
And his emotional vulnerability to Sam and John is really his undoing-- it always has been, and he knows it. :(

Glad you liked these-- thanks Pixel! And glad you're catching up. My "To Read" folder is pathetically huge. :(
random_seriousrandom_serious on September 15th, 2006 06:01 am (UTC)
Wonderful. These wee lovely, all of them. Wistful, and revealing, and thoughtful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 17th, 2006 11:42 pm (UTC)
Wistful, and revealing, and thoughtful.
Oh, that just perfectly captures the mood throughout.

Thank you. :)