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08 September 2006 @ 08:33 am
House Fanfic: Is That An Intubator In Your Pocket?  
Title: Is That An Intubator In Your Pocket?
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: House/Wilson, Chase (Slash? Crack)
Disclaimer: Not mine, not ever.
Rating: PG-13 to be safe
Summary: It could be flirting, or just an ordinary snark-filled conversation...
Author's Notes: For 60_minute_fics for the prompts of "Double Entendre" and "Euphemisms." And I just couldn't make myself write one for Sam and Dean-- Dean's euphemisms make me cringe. House, though? Is so aggressively obnoxious with them...


x-x-x-x-x

“Have you seen the charts on Mrs. McClaren yet?” Wilson reached for the coffeepot, but it was empty. He waved it at House. “Doesn’t Cameron usually make a fresh pot?”

“She called in sick this morning. Sounded more like 'sleeping one off' to me,” House muttered. “Besides, I like your coffee better. It’s got that silky-smooth texture without the undertaste of bitterness.”

“Hmmm. My coffee, your creamer. If only I had the espresso machine here.”

“Ooh, steamy conversation, you polishing the percolator. Make mine a double,” House winked.

“Mrs. McClaren has blood poisoning,” Wilson went on doggedly. “Along with possible lung tumor indication—“

“Nipple shadow,” House put in just as Chase walked through the door and started to turn right around again. “Sit!” House barked out. Chase sat warily, his eyes flicking from one man to the other.

Tumor,” Wilson continued, “And longstanding malaise.”

“So that’s what they’re calling it these days. How long since she rode the pink pony?”

Chase stared at House, aghast. “She’s sixty-seven!”

House cocked a finger at him. “Granny Get Your Gun,” he said. “She’s old, not dead.”

“Widowed,” said Wilson. “Two years now.”

House stroked his stubbled chin. “Must be about ready to get back on that horse.”

“If she isn’t put out to pasture first,” Wilson remarked. “What’s your treatment plan?”

“Antibiotics and a date with Chase.”

“Absolutely not,” Chase protested. “Besides, you’re much more her type.”

“Always trying to get someone else to do your dirty work, eh Chase?” House crowded in next to the coffee machine, teetering between anxious and obnoxious as always.

“She said the cane was ‘dashing,’” Chase rolled his fingers over House’s favorite ball, twisting and teasing every inch of it.

“House has physical therapy this afternoon,” Wilson stated.

“Behind closed doors, no doubt,” Chase said darkly. He lost interest in the ball, in being the patsy for the innuendo-laden atmosphere. He gathered his set of folders together again and stood up to leave.

“Just when the party’s getting started?” House purred.

Chase fled faster than a wombat plummeting from a tree.

“Now you’ve made him rabbit off again,” Wilson chided.

“I know where to find his 'hole' if I need to.” House waggled his eyebrows and Wilson punched him. House stuck out his lower lip in a pout. “Ready now?”

Wilson crossed his arms and smiled playfully. “Me or the coffee?”

“I’ll take either. With whipped cream.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Encouragable,” House countered.

“Insane.”

“Profane.”

“Inane.”

“Da plane!” House pointed skyward.

How many Vicodin have you had today?”

“I could tell you, but it’d be more fun if you’d count through my pockets.”



“Is that an intubator, or are you just happy to see me?”


----- fin -----


 
 
jellicle on September 8th, 2006 03:55 pm (UTC)
Damn! This is the firts House/Wilson fic I've read and that was hilarious! And you had to put Chase in the middle!
My three favorite persons on the show! Really great!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on September 8th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thank you. :D

It's hard NOT to make Chase suffer, especially since House takes such delight in pestering him. All he had to do was walk into the room here, and he was already in for it.

I do love House's snark. So much fun to write! :0
Entendre? Make mine a double.: SN Sam gigglingdeirdre_c on September 8th, 2006 05:02 pm (UTC)
Hee! What fun! Your House voice was spot-on, hon! *snerk*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on September 8th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC)
:D Thank you, Deirdre!

I can't resist House's snarky (bordering on mean) dialogue. He has so little self-filtering on what he says (entirely on purpose, of course). The man lives to 'blurt' and then watch the fallout. :0
mercurybard on September 8th, 2006 05:05 pm (UTC)
“Ooh, steamy conversation, you polishing the percolator. Make mine a double,” House winked.
“Mrs. McClaren has blood poisoning,” Wilson went on doggedly. “Along with possible lung tumor indication—"


love, love, love the juxaposition

“You’re incorrigible.”
“Encouragable,” House countered.
“Insane.”
“Profane.”
“Inane.”
“Da plane!” House pointed skyward.
“How many Vicodin have you had today?”


Well, it's not particularly deep, but who says there's anything wrong with that? It gave me a good chuckle to start my day with. And you're right, House is perfect for this sort of thing.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on September 8th, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
love, love, love the juxaposition
I love that you noticed that. It's so Wilson-- half the time he's willing to play, and the rest of the time he just charges on past it. Because with HOuse, it never stops after all...

It gave me a good chuckle to start my day with. And you're right, House is perfect for this sort of thing.
Whee! All the more reason to write it then! Humor is tough-- I'm always hoping to get it write. Though I do love writing evil dialogue for House (what am I saying? ALL his dialogue is shades of evil. :0)
mercurybard on September 8th, 2006 06:26 pm (UTC)
Humor is tough

Amen.

I'm always hoping to get it write

And you usually do. You do humor; you do angst; you do porny...I have mentioned how much I envy your range of talent?

House (what am I saying? ALL his dialogue is shades of evil. :0)

I love the character and his dialogue. They really lucked out, finding an actor that could carry the entire show by himself. Because he does. House would not be House without House.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 9th, 2006 02:47 am (UTC)
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It seems so cracked-out, and yet... House is exactly like that. It's those unexpected really wrong cultural reference ("Bros before Hos") that always crack me up.

Thanks so much! :D
B: House/Chasestrifechaos on September 9th, 2006 03:38 am (UTC)
Oh my god I loved this! It combined my three most favorite characters on the show and it wasn't angsty. It was fun and hilarious. Crackalicious even. *grins*

I could see them doing it all as well, very realistic and in character.

Loved your Chase. I just wanted to pet him, getting stuck in-between a House/Wilson word game. *giggles* Lovely work. I’ve really missed your work, I’ll have to check in to see what you’ve been up to. *smiles* *glomps*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on September 9th, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
It was fun and hilarious. Crackalicious even. *grins*
I know I've debated the HouseCrack thing with another friend before, and she maintains that canon House basically IS crack, so it kind of goes with the territory. :D

Loved your Chase. I just wanted to pet him, getting stuck in-between a House/Wilson word game.
Can you imagine? All he has to do is step into the room and he's already in over his head. You'd think he'd learn. ;)

I've missed you too. Hope the school year's going well! :D
B: too cutestrifechaos on September 11th, 2006 03:02 am (UTC)
I've missed you too. *glomps*

Hope the school year's going well!

School doesn't start until the twentieth (Ohio State starts super late), but it should be very entertaining this quarter. (I'm taking ice-skating which will provide for many interesting adventures.) *smiles*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on September 16th, 2006 05:31 am (UTC)
Ice-skating! Very brave. :) After about age 12, I think that all sports like this would be better learned with a big fat pillow tied to our butts. Unfortunately, that interferes with not looking like a bigger idiot when you're trying something new, but I SO wish I could go back to the days when things either didn't hurt as much or I just didn't care as much. :0
barefootpuddles: Wilson - Enough!barefootpuddles on January 20th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
Very cute. Loved the one word one-upmanship near the end. It captured the flavor (now you have me thinking in double entendres) of their usual interactions very well. :)

Oh, and loved Chase getting caught in the middle of it too!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Random Fandomhalfshellvenus on January 20th, 2010 11:49 pm (UTC)
Even though this story is crack, it's not THAT far off from how House acts on a regular basis, which is confusing. Crack or just humor?

And poor Chase. He was right to try to run out the door the second he heard what was going on!
Salfeanix on January 23rd, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)
Well done :) And poor Chase...
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Random Fandomhalfshellvenus on January 23rd, 2010 02:53 am (UTC)
Thank you!

You can tell that Chase had a little bit of interest in House there, abstractly, before Wilson killed his chances dead. ;)