?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
06 May 2016 @ 03:15 pm
LJ Idol Friends & Rivals: "Important Announcements"  
Important Announcements
idol friends and rivals | week 21 | 780 words
Helpful information

x-x-x-x-x

Multiworld Media presents "Don't Touch That Button!"

Are you trapped on a long journey between colonies, wondering just whose idea the whole thing was? Or maybe you've just woken from cryosleep, and your unsettled state has you feeling like you need to take some kind sort of decisive action. We've all been there!

But the Galactic Inter-Agency Council wants you to know that pushing random buttons is not the answer. You don't know what those buttons do, and you don't know where they've been. So hands off and go about your business, or you'll be sorry.

This message is brought to you by Parseconol: Cut the distance before it cuts you!

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Space Worms: Are They Safe?"

Whether they're lurking on the nearest planet or eating their way through the hull of your starship, space worms are everywhere. Should you be concerned?

These tiny creatures can be extremely destructive. While there are no known incidents of them attacking other living species, scientist nevertheless warn about touching them without barrier protection, such as tendril sleeves or gloves. Watch what you eat and where you breathe—those worms are sneaky.

Multiworld Media: We're here to help!

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Slavers: Friend or Foe?"

If you've ever wondered whether those Inter-Galactic Slavers are there to help you, the answer is "No." They'll have you chained in a hold and on your way to a life of wretched servitude before you know it. So, the next time you're in a bar drinking your favorite Aldebaran ale and devious-looking creature asks you if you'd like a tour of its ship, just say, "No thanks!"

This message is brought to you by The Deneb V Mafia: We know where you live.

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Interdimensional Commerce"

Whether you're shopping for a new planet-hopper, selling off your bio-dome, or just looking for a good price on a vacation, the Council for Stable Currency reminds you to verify the beta-signature on all financial transactions.

Buying and selling across different dimensions is strictly prohibited, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they're probably not from your timeline or vector.

This message is brought to you by Evil Overlords, Incorporated: You won't like us when we're angry.

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Register Your Offspring"

If you've spawned, calved, or otherwise given birth in the last orbit cycle, don't forget to notify the authorities on your space vessel, planet, asteroid, or moon. Failure to register may result in fines and the possibility of starvation.

Remember, if your children don't exist, no one has to feed then. So, sign them up before it's too late!

This message is courtesy of A-One Antimatter: We'll get you there.

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Is Your Planet Doomed?"

Nothing lasts forever, and that includes your planet. Have you been wondering whether yours is about to collapse or explode or simply become inhabitable overnight? Of course—who hasn't?

The Altairian Actuarial Cooperative is there to answer all those questions you were afraid to ask. Contact their offices to find out whether you can plant that garden you've been dreaming about, or whether it's time to pack your ready-rocket and bolt before your planet bites the big one.

Multiworld Media: We know what's on your mind.

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Is Your Robot Trying To Kill You?

Are you afraid to fall asleep in your own home? Do you suspect the family servo-drone is just waiting for the opportunity to pull your plug? The Intelligent Apparatus Association offers this reassuring message: you are not alone.

Thousands of traditional life forms have weighed these same issues, and very few of them were murdered by their own automatons. So don't worry, you're probably safe! But just in case, remember that an angry robot can be lethal.

This message is provided by Rigellian Mining Industries: Building a toxic today for a more powerful tomorrow!

~~ MM ~~

Multiworld Media presents "Death: You're Doing It Wrong"

Are you old or decrepit—or possibly both? If so, then this message may be too late for you. But if not, the Omega Organization encourages you to plan your non-existence early.

Why wait until you're too far gone to take action, and are consuming precious resources your grandchildren may someday need to survive? Why take the chance on your body failing apart while you're still using it? The Omega Organization is ready to assist you in making your choice. Ask for a free brochure on "Engineering Your Exit."

This message is brought to you by Blubber Gleam: When your own natural secretions just aren't enough.

Multiworld Media: We're the voice inside your head!



space-cadet-retro-clipart-illustration-100491154


If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with other fine entries here.

 
 
 
blahblahblah, whateverkathrynrose on May 7th, 2016 03:00 am (UTC)
Remember, if your children don't exist, no one has to feed then.

That's a great line.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 7th, 2016 06:53 am (UTC)
It's such a bureaucratic way of thinking, too, isn't it?

Kind of goes with the obvious or not-at-all reassuring approach to all of this. :)
bleodsweanbleodswean on May 7th, 2016 01:49 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You have been writing your freakin' socks off, K! This is very, very funny and it's even funnier because it's so clever and so tightly written. Every single section has a quotable LOL line. THAT is an impressive quota! I particularly snorted my coffee over the "Is Your Planet Doomed?" helpful information. Serious props here, this is fantastic work.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 7th, 2016 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This idea was a lot of fun to write, and I was thinking by Thursday night whether I was done, or whether I was leaving untapped weirdness on the table.

I decided it could be more-- MORE! The deadly robots and doomed planet were the last additions, because they're so wrong. How could I not try to follow through on those? :D

So glad you enjoyed it!
Port: thor is happydesertport on May 8th, 2016 08:33 am (UTC)
OMG, these are great! I think my favorite is "Register your offspring!" but I feel that "Is your planet doomed" may be highly relevant these days! Love how punchy and funny these all are!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 8th, 2016 07:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! These were a kick to think about and try to formulate in that kind of avuncular '50-'60s PSA style but with cracktastic content.

IS our planet doomed? Eventually, always. ;)
rayasorayaso on May 8th, 2016 08:26 pm (UTC)
These were all utterly fantastic, and had me laughing. I particularly loved Parseconol! What a great product name! I'm glad to see that the filthy Altairians got a mention. The names were wonderful -- so appropriately bureaucratic or sleezy product sounding! Each one of these could have been the seed for a complete story. Wonderful!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2016 03:26 am (UTC)
Ah, the filthy Altairians! I wonder how many people have actually seen "The Hidden" to even think of them that way, but that's how they'll always be for me. ;)

so appropriately bureaucratic or sleezy product sounding
It's kind of like combining elements of the 50s/60s with late night television, which was part of the fun: disgusting, and yet plausible. :D
whipchickwhipchick on May 8th, 2016 09:30 pm (UTC)
"If you've spawned, calved, or otherwise given birth in the last orbit cycle" - priceless! I laughed even louder on "Is your robot trying to kill you?" and this - "When your own natural secretions just aren't enough." brought the house down. This was soooo much fun!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2016 03:28 am (UTC)
Hahaha-- I'm so glad you got such a kick out of this!

The paranoid subtext increases as you get toward the end, and if you aren't worrying about killer robots and doomed planets and being encouraged to off yourself... shouldn't you be? :O
swirlsofblueswirlsofblue on May 9th, 2016 04:06 pm (UTC)
This is absolutely hilarious and each one is ingenious and I love the tone in which they're all conveyed and the ones providing the messages, hee.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2016 07:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you! So many of these are the kinds of things people might not have been thinking about before the info-update came out... and now they can't HELP thinking about them, and all the thoughts are bad.

Clearly, that robot is probably going to kill you!
prog_schlockprog_schlock on May 9th, 2016 07:57 pm (UTC)
I love the world building here - there's so many little details about how this particular universe (these particular universes?) function. I especially like the implications that this is a multi-species, multi-dimensional dystopia. Like even though the universe has solved space and dimension travel, they still haven't figured out feeding everyone and how to deal with end of life. There's a very clever comment on technology here - we can do more things, but maybe we're not really all that better off as individuals.

I especially like that you're experimenting with structure this late in LJI. Its easy to find one's self playing it more conservative as one gets closer to the end. Hurray for challenging yourself and offering different things!

I thought of this Talking Heads song:

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2016 11:25 pm (UTC)
Like even though the universe has solved space and dimension travel, they still haven't figured out feeding everyone and how to deal with end of life.
I think the bigger the number of planets/asteroids/moons and species, the bigger the challenge. It's SO hard to make things work for everyone, especially the more varied the "everyone" is.

Throwing bureaucracy at it is one solution. Not necessarily a good one, but it's A solution. ;)

Glad you enjoyed this, and as always, thanks for reading and commenting!
Murielle: Scrunchedmurielle on May 9th, 2016 10:53 pm (UTC)
Highly entertaining!

Favorite line: "Remember, if your children don't exist, no one has to feed then."

LOL...sort of. ;-)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2016 11:26 pm (UTC)
That's kind of the way most evil humor seems to go, isn't it?

LOL... no wait, should I laugh at that? It's kind of disturbing. Actually, that makes it funnier. Geez, what is WRONG with me?
Murielle: Scrunchedmurielle on May 9th, 2016 11:56 pm (UTC)
Yes! Exactly that! 😊