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16 March 2016 @ 11:00 am
LJ Idol Friends & Rivals: "Winter, Remembering Spring"  
Winter, Remembering Spring
idol friends and rivals | week 14 | poem


There were trees surrounding the corner
where we sat when you called me beautiful.
They were leafy, their silk shade drifting
with the breeze, with the promise
of summer days gentled
by your devotion and love.

We were young,
still gathering our forevers
like ripened fruit,
like new flavors of possibility.

Hidden in the heart of the city,
this paradise glowed like something new,
like an undiscovered country
born from the hopes of lovers past.
Romance bloomed among the flowers
and curled like tendrils to hold us fast.

We were bound,
willing to journey together
through time and adventure
along the pathway of life.

We met again and again in that world
among the leaves, the everyday all but forgotten.
Murmuring the eternal poetry of love,
our words went deeper than doubts or dreams,
giving rise to new feelings, new life,
and a new history we two would unfold.

We were grown,
shaping those new generations
toward the brilliant future
they finally came to own.

You are gone now, so many years gone,
I could almost wonder how much of it was true.
But your eyes are here in our children,
and in their children, your wonderful smile.
That garden fell beneath the tide of pavement,
but I remember every beautiful moment, every feeling.

It is not the garden I miss, only you
and the life we shared.
I would relive it all again if I could,
all of it, exactly as before.

I remember everything.



If you enjoyed this piece, you may vote for it along with many other fine entries here. All entries for the week are here.

bleodsweanbleodswean on March 16th, 2016 06:54 pm (UTC)
This is so lovely. I liked your hidden garden and the hearkening back to it but only to relive its secret beauty through the remembrance of a lost loved one. The stanza in which you present the harsh reality that this person is gone but lives on through children and children's children is really a stand-out! Nice work!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 16th, 2016 07:30 pm (UTC)
I had not intended to write poetry for this, but in early attempts to bring out this concept through prose there were just too many extraneous words, and the emotions and style were getting watered down.

So often, what I miss are moments or periods in the past, and would love to be able to travel back in time to relive them, even if only for a day or a few hours. Those early years of courtship and marriage, when everything seemed possible, or my children as babies or their younger selves... Those are as vivid and wonderful as any place I've ever been, and I long for them so much more.
adoptedwriteradoptedwriter on March 16th, 2016 10:44 pm (UTC)
I enjoyed this. It's an interesting comparison almost between seasons and stages of a relationship. Well-done.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 17th, 2016 05:18 am (UTC)
Yes! That idea really hit home for me. I don't want to relive my childhood, but the time where I met my husband onward, and the we had children... all of those years are times I wish I could revisit, but they are moments and not places, and there is no going backwards.
whipchickwhipchick on March 21st, 2016 07:02 pm (UTC)
I so empathize with this :)

This is such a lovely poem, and I love that you're writing from your own experience but not with yourself as narrator--it's a really nice balance.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 21st, 2016 10:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

The setting is not related to anything in my past with my husband, but all of the feelings and hopes for the future... those are very much real. :)
cindy: misc fictsuki_no_bara on March 17th, 2016 05:09 am (UTC)
i started reading this thinking winter and spring were people, or at least personifications, but no - a person in the winter of their life looking back at the spring, when they were young and everything was new. there's such pretty, hopeful imagery, and the repetition of "we were young/we were bound/we were grown" is really nice.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 17th, 2016 06:27 am (UTC)
It's so hard not to miss those earlier parts of your life as you get older, especially those periods with special people or those that seemed full of possibility.You can remember and miss them, but oh how nice it would be to go back!
tijuanagringotijuanagringo on March 17th, 2016 10:54 am (UTC)
Good choice to speak with verses of poetry. Somehow the feeling and the message seem both stronger and clearer.
I, also, like another commenter, enjoy the season/plant metaphor.
Especially love the "your eyes are here in our children, and in their children" which gives such a personal measure to time going by and love lasting forever.
Thank you for making me feel good, and for loving.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 18th, 2016 01:23 am (UTC)
Somehow the feeling and the message seem both stronger and clearer.
They were just getting "lost in the noise," before, and this worked much better. It's funny how something people often think of as flowery or abstract can at times do a better job of cutting to the bone.

I'm glad this gave you happy feelings. Despite the missing of the loved one gone, this is the kind of relationship that most of us would consider ourselves lucky to have experienced. :)
rayasorayaso on March 17th, 2016 04:03 pm (UTC)
I love this poem, especially the stanza beginning "We were young". One of the many things I like about your poetry, and this poem, is that you do not use "poetic" language, but create your poems out of everyday words arranged in thoughtful and beautiful ways. It is a wonderful love poem and certainly captures the essence of saudade.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 18th, 2016 01:26 am (UTC)
I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's true-- I generally use regular words rather than SAT-type words for poetry. It's how they form together, and the words are echoed or omitted that make so much difference, I think.

I'm glad you liked this one! It worked so much better as poetry than as prose-- I only made it a couple of sentences into a regular story approach before it became clear that this was a better choice.
Raised by Wolvessinnamongirl on March 17th, 2016 11:20 pm (UTC)
Lovely and nostalgic (which is weird in a way because I've never really had that sort of love, so I'm getting nostalgia for something I've never known).
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 18th, 2016 01:27 am (UTC)
so I'm getting nostalgia for something I've never known.
That actually makes me very happy-- it means the mood and feelings are coming across.

There is always hope, for most of us. Someday, somehow, we might meet the person who makes all the difference.
Raised by Wolvessinnamongirl on March 21st, 2016 06:47 pm (UTC)
Yeah, invoking feelings I've never experienced is definitely some good writing!

And there's always hope, even for crusty spinster cat ladies like me ;)
Murielle: I'm Melting...murielle on March 20th, 2016 04:08 pm (UTC)
Oh, this is beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful. I love how it touches the passage of time so tenderly and with such joy amongst the sorrow. Beautiful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 20th, 2016 07:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! Poetry always feels so risky, but I'd hoped it would capture the mood and emotions more clearly, so your words were very welcome!
dmousey: pic#125576541dmousey on March 20th, 2016 10:38 pm (UTC)
(Sigh) This is lovely. their silk shade drifting with the breeze

I don't want to gush, so, hugs and peace!~~~D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 21st, 2016 06:25 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I think we almost always long for something, and even when we've had something wonderful... we wish we could relive it, re-experiencing it all over again.
prog_schlockprog_schlock on March 21st, 2016 11:03 pm (UTC)
I'm directing "Hamlet" right now so the phrase "the undiscovered country" is on my mind. In context of Shakespeare, it of course refers to the after-life ("from which no man may return"). I enjoy grappling with whether you intended this reference (in which case there's a sadder tone to this piece than is perhaps otherwise evident) or whether you're using the phrase to refer more generally to the unconscious world you describe in the poem. Either way, its a great turn of phrase.

I have no rationale reason to make this connection, but I kept thinking of the word choices made by guest poet Mark Danielewski on this Poe song:

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 31st, 2016 12:56 am (UTC)
The undiscovered country I meant here was more literal, so no sadness-- just the thought of something so amazing that it could seem new every time you encountered it.

Directing Hamlet! For community theater or something bigger?
prog_schlockprog_schlock on March 31st, 2016 07:49 am (UTC)
It's touring local high schools on April. Three women playing all the parts, edited down to 55 minutes. It's by fourth ride on this pony and every time I've discovered more about the play. There's so much to it.