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07 January 2016 @ 01:25 pm
LJ Idol Friends & Rivals: "Pure Movie Magic"  
Pure Movie Magic
idol friends & rivals | week 4 |547 words
We All Have The Movie…

x-x-x-x-x

Critics have never been of the right mindset to appreciate a movie such as Ratman And The Manticore From Mars. From the stunning opening credits to the film music's final, bombastic chords, this little gem is something approaching a masterpiece.

From Anatoly Vargas, the director who brought us Alien Overlords Of Andromeda and Toad-Spawn Of The Serengeti, "Ratman" is one of the finest action movies of its time. The tension, the explosions, the fight-sequences, the blood! Who could ask for more?

There are those who say that the special effects for the ogre wars are laughable, but Vargas was working with budget constraints during that part of the filming. Contrast those scenes with the verisimilitude of Ratman's fangs—or of the trash-infested alley that is Ratman's base of operations—and you can see the level of quality Vargas could have accomplished with more funding!

The T-Rex in the movie's chase scene may be historically inaccurate, but what movie couldn't use a dinosaur or two? Consider also the symbolism that the dinosaur represents. Ratman is being pursued by his past, by the destructive influences in his life, and by choosing to remain the Fanged Crusader he risks isolation and the threat of death. Truly, the life of the Ratman is a lonely one. The images of clocks and emptying hourglasses strewn throughout the film ensure that we are forever reminded of it.

While the Manticore from Mars is not an actual manticore (or even from Mars), only the most literal-minded would scoff at its size and appearance in the film's second act. Yes, it would seem that the manticore is actually a praying mantis filmed with a fluorescent filter, but we must keep the larger goal in mind. Ultimately, isn't a giant praying mantis scarier and more disgusting than almost anything?

It is easy to forget that, at its heart, Ratman is a love story. Surely, we can all root for the wily possum who catches his eye? The tender interludes between man-beast and marsupial provide a foil for the rough exterior Ratman puts on for the rest of the world, and the stirring strains of "Before The Garbage Truck Comes" (you may have seen the music video) cannot fail to move all but the most cynical heart.

Some people have taken issue with the sudden appearance of the Rockettes in the movie's final action sequence, and yes—a Sears employee cafeteria is an improbable location for a group of chorus girls, not to mention the accompanying fireworks. Still, one cannot underestimate the value of a good production number! The choreography may not be Busby Berkeley, but the use of the orange, turquoise, and yellow plastic bucket-chairs is absolutely inspired.

The film's sequel, Ratman and The Radioactive Wrestlemaniac, is obviously not as good, but everyone is entitled to an off day. Vargas has brought us years of entertainment, and the man's genius cannot be denied.

In recent months, there have been rumors of a new movie in the works, a foray into either horror or philosophy titled Satan's Blender. Oh, the possibilities! I'm on the edge of my seat just thinking about them, and film fans everywhere should be, too.

Wherever Vargas goes with it, "Blender" is sure to be as hot as anything Spielberg could ever dish out!


--/--


If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

 
 
 
adoptedwriteradoptedwriter on January 7th, 2016 09:30 pm (UTC)
You've made a really bad movie sound appealing! LOL



AW
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 7th, 2016 09:48 pm (UTC)
Boy, I sure hope no one makes a movie like this. Though I think it would be cracktastic enough to watch, if they did!
The fucking YARN FAIRY!mac_arthur_park on January 7th, 2016 09:45 pm (UTC)
What AW said. Now I want to go looking for that movie.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 7th, 2016 09:48 pm (UTC)
If only you could! :D

Thanks for reading. :)
Ellisonellison on January 7th, 2016 10:13 pm (UTC)
While the Manticore from Mars is not an actual manticore (or even from Mars), only the most literal-minded would scoff at its size and appearance in the film's second act.

That made me laugh out loud!

Also, the wily possum love story part made me laugh, as well!

Man, I thought these were real for sure, I'm kind of disappointed this is fiction. ;) This piece is great! Very entertaining.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 7th, 2016 11:22 pm (UTC)
I thought about non-fiction, but I figured I could not make that anywhere as funny as something that was obviously bad in so many ways, and yet where the narrator was impossibly oblivious to logic or sense as to why it was so awful.

Glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading!
Leni: WR - lolleni_ba on January 8th, 2016 12:32 am (UTC)
I... um... wow... I kinda wanna watch that now?

but what movie couldn't use a dinosaur or two? LOL!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 12:42 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! I love that this is everyone's reaction to it. Well, you know-- "cracktastic" can be SO appealing.

There is, I kid you not, a random dinosaur in The Asylum's production of Sherlock Holmes. Also a hot air baloon and a robot. And the most bizarre thing is that they almost make sense in the context of the writing. o_O
(no subject) - leni_ba on January 8th, 2016 04:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 08:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
rayasorayaso on January 8th, 2016 01:16 am (UTC)
I knew this was a wonderful idea when you first told me about it, and the writing was great! This had me laughing all the way through it -- and you know this is no exaggeration, since you were there! I'm sure the writers over at The Asylum are getting this ready for a direct to video release. Just make sure you retain control of the cover art.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 07:39 am (UTC)
I would say that this summary makes The Asylum look tame, but they DID release Sharknado, and there's no sane excuse for anything that went on there.

What will those poor guys do now without video stores to lure people to their fake-i-fied versions of hit movies?
cindytsuki_no_bara on January 8th, 2016 05:05 am (UTC)
these movies sound like syfy original movies, but worse. i love it. god bless the schlocky scifi movie and the people who make them. especially when they're totally fictional. :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 07:43 am (UTC)
Hah! If you know that some of the weirdest stuff on Syfy comes from The Asylum (Sharknado! Z-Nation!), then you know the baseline from which things would have to get much much weirder to actually be crack instead of a marketed product. :O

And darned if I didn't have fun thinking up absolutely ridiculous and incongruous things to throw into a fake movie that I would then have to attempt to justify as good and intentional. :D
Reid Harris Cooperlordrexfear on January 8th, 2016 07:30 am (UTC)
I don't know... I'm more partial to QUIET ON THE SERENGETI PINES OF MUTUAL EXPLOSION. Vargas explores the tense dichotomy between working in a toxic sludge factory, falling in love with a quadruple amputee and the career of former presidential candidate Michael Dukasis with so much pastiche of both Gogoli Vernonen (his politco docudrama Anteaters ate my Babysitter) and Hans Schmeigel (his rock opera La Isla de la Tierra Muy Bonita). A pure classic that one.

Edited at 2016-01-08 07:35 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 07:57 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha! Fanfic of my fake director and his oevre is the best comment ever. :D

But what of the Greek Chorus in "Swamp Gators From Hell", or the moon-landing montage in "Chester's Playhouse"? Are they still relevant, or have modern audiences lost their appreciation for artistic irony and/or cheap gimmicks?
kick_galvanic, zagzagael, skull_theatrebleodswean on January 8th, 2016 05:09 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Brilliant!!! Superbly crafted and impressively creative entry!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on January 8th, 2016 08:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This was a fun one to write, though it took some time to figure out what the movie title would be. The title would determine the characters and the plot details beyond all the things that clearly did NOT belong in any movie.

Glad you enjoyed it!
orockthroorockthro on January 8th, 2016 11:09 pm (UTC)
What movie couldn't use an extra dinosaur or two?
A QUESTION I SHALL NOW ASK EVERY TIME I SEE A MOVIE.

PS Did I miss what year this actually came out in? I'm going to take a stab in the dark at.... 1951?? Ish?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 9th, 2016 07:44 am (UTC)
A dinosaur certainly livened up "Meet The Robinsons," so I think my point is made! \o/

This whole movie is gloriously fake, so I guess you could say that it came out in "Aught-Never." :D
her brain is crowded and tastes like sex!thistle_verse on January 9th, 2016 06:06 am (UTC)
Satan's Blender!!

(I'm going to make up a smoothie recipe and call it that.)

Brilliant!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 9th, 2016 07:45 am (UTC)
I think that if you use red persimmons (for instance) in the smoothie, you can get a nice lava-like color! Or blood oranges, for the ooky tattered flesh approach.

Ack. I've probably ruined your appetite already!
Murielle: I'm Melting...murielle on January 9th, 2016 06:57 am (UTC)
Gloriously tongue-in-cheek! A great read, that although it didn't make me want to see the movie, it did make me grin from ear to ear.

A wonderful much wonderful movie review!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 9th, 2016 07:51 am (UTC)
Thank you! I cannot imagine a real movie being this weird, but if one existed, I might have to watch it just for its cracktastic appeal. :D
lriG rorriM: whimsylrig_rorrim on January 9th, 2016 08:01 pm (UTC)
I want a Fanged Crusader Fan Club t-shirt now. I am imagining the logo... *grins*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 9th, 2016 09:50 pm (UTC)
May porn_this_way will make us one, if she reads this entry! \o/
rayasorayaso on January 9th, 2016 10:05 pm (UTC)
I've read this multiple times now, and it still makes me laugh.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 9th, 2016 10:34 pm (UTC)
Hah, you're back!

That production number was just for you, though I think you should not let your guard down near any possums... :D
Teo Sayseternal_ot on January 10th, 2016 11:18 am (UTC)

Bwahahaha....this is the best review I read this week. Terrific plot...*hats off* Kudos!!

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 10th, 2016 07:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad it gave you a good laugh. :D
Danmuchtooarrogant on January 10th, 2016 07:14 pm (UTC)
Hilarious!

"Yes, it would seem that the manticore is actually a praying mantis filmed with a fluorescent filter, but we must keep the larger goal
in mind."

Must we? LOL Great fun!

Dan
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on January 10th, 2016 07:58 pm (UTC)
Must we?
:D It's exactly the kind of cheap utter failure to even try to live up to the movie's basic requirements that only a diehard fan would try to excuse. :D

Whereas normal viewers' reactions would be, "Oh come on, are you KIDDING? This sucks!"

Thanks for reading!