Characters: Dean, Sam, John (Gen)
Spoilers and/or Warnings: “Pilot,” “Shadows”
Summary: Three post-“Shadows” POVs.
Author’s Notes: Written for super_summer. The first draft of this was for 60_minute_fics, where for a “new style” I decided to try out First Person POV. The Sam POV was reworked in this version, but Dean and John remain unchanged.
This is where we came in again. Back in San Jose, the whole setup of Why the Hell are you here? and My life was just fine until you showed up. The part where I’m not allowed to say I missed him— let alone how much it hurt that he left in the first place.
I shouldn’t have said it this time, should have never told the truth. Because now he knows that I care too much… and now I know that he doesn’t.
We’re back to broken sentences and being out-of-tune with each other, and every day I’ll wonder when he’s going to leave again. It’ll be nothing but bitching and awkward jokes, just like we started out when he came back.
I want to run myself sometimes, not from the job or from Dad like Sam did. I just want to stop being stuck, stop waiting to matter more or to care a hell of a lot less. I want to stop living a life where Sam has his world and Dad has his, and I’m always fading out of view in both of them.
This is not who I wanted to be.
I spent my whole life looking for innocence, for a world where darkness only lives in nightmares. And I had it for awhile— four years where term papers were the enemy, where everything was homework and studying and Jess. I had a future, built on inspiration instead of revenge. It’s still there waiting, for when this is over. Because I promised myself I wouldn’t be this – I wouldn’t fixate on finding evil that might exist.
Today, that promise slipped away. I met up with an ordinary girl again, and I couldn’t just be happy for the coincidence. I had to track her down and spy on her, keep at it until her secrets came to light.
It was the right thing to do, she proved that soon enough.
But I wanted to be the guy who believes in serendipity instead of searching for the hidden, darker meaning.
It didn’t help that my training took over. And it didn’t help that in the end, I was right…
I should have known better, I should have known. It was a trick, the whole thing, and I led the three of us right into it.
Dean knew, bless him. His instincts are stronger than mine sometimes, and I let wanting that payoff shut down my better judgment.
It almost had us, the son-of-a-bitch, almost left Mary with no-one fighting for the truth she deserves.
I won’t make that mistake again, though it means leaving the boys behind. Can’t believe I have to let them go already, when I don’t know how long it’s going to be. Having Sammy again and giving him up in hardly more than a day isn’t enough for either one of us, that’s for sure. We’ve got fences to mend, things to put straight between us. And god help me if some damn thing takes me before that happens.
But Dean’ll take care of him, like he always has. Just let them keep each other safe, and let them come back to me whole.
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