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30 July 2006 @ 11:41 am
Supernatural Slash Fanfiction: In Anger And Defeat  
Title: In Anger And Defeat
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam/Dean (Slash)
Rating: R
Summary: (Post 1x06, "Shadow"): Dean still wants it, even knowing it won’t last.
Author’s Notes: Written for super_summer, this is an expansion of an idea from a drabble I wrote for wench_pixie a few months back.
Warning: this is not a flattering portrayal of Sam here. It doesn't stretch him too far from canon, but this is Dean's POV where Sam's choices still aren't what Dean thinks they should be.

x-x-x-x-x

Dean runs out of words long before the E.R. doctor bandages his wounds. There’s a gaping hole inside him that stitches cannot heal, and every sound his lips make will bring to light his raw despair.

“Cut you pretty deep,” the doctor remarks. That they did, Dean thinks. The two of them together. His defenses are down, ravaged by near-death and fear. What little remains is close to being finished off by a family that could shed him like an outgrown skin.

Dean sleepwalks through an underwater dream of meeting up with Sam again and driving to a motel. He isn’t present in his own reality, and he isn’t ready to make up a new one. He’s stuck following Sam’s lead, the same as it’s been since Sam left them for college. It might be dumb or it might be desperate, but it’s all he’s got the energy to do.

He readies himself for bed, brushing his teeth and undressing with shaking hands. And the lamp isn’t even off before Sam slips in bed beside him with an agenda of his own.

Sam presses in behind him, and Dean just closes his eyes in resignation. Sam never really touches him, not really, unless he wants something. Always the same thing. And Sam never kisses him unless he’s in the mood for sex or he’s finishing it off.

Dean hates the weakness that keeps him from saying no, that makes him give in every time. He hates that it leaves him a little emptier when it’s done.

“Don’t do this to me, Sam.”

“You’re still thinking about what I said before.”

“The part where you don’t want any part of this, and you’ll leave when your vengeance is done? I’m finding that a little hard to ignore.”

“Did you really expect me to say different? You know that none of this has ever been my dream.” Sam’s hand trails up Dean’s arm, like they’re talking business and not the future of what lies beneath this touch.

“I can’t help hoping that someday this will matter enough to change your mind.” Dean voice shows his frustration, but hides the Who instead of What should matter to Sam. It’s going to spill over if he’s not careful, and that earlier rejection is still fresh in his once-burned memory.

Sam presses closer, gripping Dean’s shoulders as they tighten with those words. “Don’t get so worked up—let me help you put that all away.”

Dean turns then, his face a warning against the sacrifice Sam expects.

“Everything I have—every fucking thing I am—is yours, and you have never even cared.”

“You’re my brother, Dean. My life.”

And Dean hardly knows what that means to Sam, because clearly it’s not enough. “I’m the one you’ll always leave.” It makes him tired, just saying it out loud.

“But I’m still yours.” Sam’s hand flows knowingly across Dean’s chest, denying what he owes, denying that it has a price. “Make me feel it,” Sam murmurs into a kiss. He’s already taking what Dean swore he would not give.

It’s another demand without a promise, disguised as a banquet for a starving man. So Dean pushes—forces—his mark inside Sam, doing everything he never/always wanted in a blaze of unforgiving heat.

He can claim this but he has no chance to keep it. He leaves no permanence on this soul that stole his own. Wound up and broken down, the last pieces of himself flow out to the sea of self-destruction.

He bucks and thrusts in an argument he’ll never win, and Sam moves like he’s listening ‘though it’s a lie. Dean has no weapon against this nameless thing Sam longs for, only the certainty that it’s a test he can only fail.

Bodies together, spirits apart, this is a torment greater than sorrow, deeper than blood.

Anger and anxiety spur Dean harder/faster/deeper, until he finishes in an explosion of heartache and revenge.


-------- fin --------




 
 
Raven: Supernatural - A Man Has Gunsxeraven on July 30th, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
Oh poor Dean.

And not even a gentle touch over the wounds from Sam... just... wanting.

Not a flattering portrait of Sam, but certainly believable.

And just so heartbreaking for Dean, to know he can have this/here/now and it's just enough for him to take/have/hold knowing it's going to be ripped away from him later.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 30th, 2006 09:59 pm (UTC)
And not even a gentle touch over the wounds from Sam... just... wanting.
And to some degree, it's always like that. Even in canon, it's partly because Dean rejects what's offered on the grounds that he shouldn't need it. But it's also true that, given his spot in the family dynamic, Sam wants a lot that he is not prepared to offer himself.

Not a flattering portrait of Sam, but certainly believable.
You're right, it is. This is Dean's POV, and so his slant on Sam is what we see here. But the thing is, while it's tragic that Sam doesn't want what Dean does... it isn't wrong of Sam not to want it. Heartbreaking for Dean, but not actually wrong, because Sam has to serve his own will as well as that of other people.

And just so heartbreaking for Dean, to know he can have this/here/now and it's just enough for him to take/have/hold knowing it's going to be ripped away from him later.
So true, so true. He can't stop wanting it, and he can't help taking what he can get until it's gone.

I remember you read the drabble of this way back when, and you longed for a fuller story. I hope this satisfied that wish. :)
bluesister on July 30th, 2006 07:00 pm (UTC)
Sam’s hand trails up Dean’s arm, like they’re talking business and not the future of what lies beneath this touch.

disguised as a banquet for a starving man

This is hurty and lovely. The lack of logic and self-preservation is interesting and real. Poor Dean.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 06:45 am (UTC)
The lack of logic and self-preservation is interesting and real.
We know why he can't help wanting it-- this idea he has that it would bring him complete happiness-- and it's hard to blame him for living in the "now" when the future holds no promise.

But oh how it hurts to watch him choose that. :(
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on July 30th, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
sxeraven said it all. Ouch.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 06:46 am (UTC)
Every moment of it-- this whole situation that likely cannot be fixed.

And yet, he can't let it go. And he lets himself get drawn in again and again. :(
dawn: SPN-anything for brotherixchel55 on July 30th, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC)
Well, I don't buy this Sam as canon, but that's the beauty of fiction, it doesn't have to be canon. You can make it whatever you like, and I liked this. In this reality you made the situation between them very believable, especially from Dean's POV.

Very painful and well done. Thanks.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
but that's the beauty of fiction, it doesn't have to be canon.
It doesn't entirely, and Sam very nearly could be like this. The other thing, as you mentioned, is that we're seeing this through Dean's eyes. In his mind, Sam's choice can always be questioned. But in Sam's mind, though he might wish to make Dean happy, the future he wants for himself is the one he can't let go of. And Sam isn't wrong for wanting that. It's unfortunate, but it doesn't make him wrong.

Which of course is why it all hurts so much. :( When we think of the solution we'd want for them, it usually involves one of them bending from his goals. If neither of them does that, the impasse remains.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. :) I'm glad you liked the story for what it was.

Alliwe_love_smudger on July 30th, 2006 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh. Oh heck...

“But I’m still yours.” Sam’s hand flows knowingly across Dean’s chest, denying what he owes, denying that it has a price. “Make me feel it,” Sam murmurs into a kiss. He’s already taking what Dean swore he would not give.

Bad Sammy! Give Dean's heart back. Tsk.

Beautifully written m'dear, brava. Poor Deano though, adrift on a sea of infinite pain. *sighs*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 06:53 am (UTC)
Bad Sammy! Give Dean's heart back. Tsk.
If only he could, without giving his own dreams up as well. :(

Poor Deano though, adrift on a sea of infinite pain. *sighs*
Sigh indeed. Those Winchesters are made of stubborn. And sadly, Sam and Dean have different ideas of the lives they want to have. :(

So glad you enjoyed the story, painful though it was. Thank you. :)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 06:56 am (UTC)
You are amazing, you took a tiny wee prompt and turned it into this amazing painful beautiful story.
:) If you look closely, you'll find the original 100-word drabble I wrote you still inside this story. It's just been stretched out and given more detail and depth. But it was all right there in the drabble. And your prompt for that had such awesome results (twice!) :D

So glad you like this version too, and I'm even more glad you set this idea in motion from the start. :D
tyrical: SPN_familypictyrical on July 30th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC)
“Cut you pretty deep,” the doctor remarks. That they did, Dean thinks. The two of them together. His defenses are down, ravaged by near-death and fear. What little remains is close to being finished off by a family that could shed him like an outgrown skin.


I really loved this line. It highlights the extreme insensitivity and obliviousness of John and Sam. Neither able to see who or what Dean is to them and what he sees in them.

Dean(who cares more about what he does and who he helps than just his own vengeance) has taken up a cause bigger than vengeance and all he wants is to have the people who would understand him the most see him.

The two men he loves more than life who are in the same respects larger than life to Dean. Both men concentrating on the loves lost instead of the love staring them in the face.

John and Sam are becoming the same man. It's just the paths they took to get there are slightly different. Sam has learned more from his father than he ever dreamed possible.

Too bad Dean is the only on 'benefiting' from it.

Great work hon!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 07:05 am (UTC)
It highlights the extreme insensitivity and obliviousness of John and Sam. Neither able to see who or what Dean is to them and what he sees in them.
And in neither case is it deliberate, which hurts all the more when you think if only they tried hard, if only they would see.

Dean(who cares more about what he does and who he helps than just his own vengeance) has taken up a cause bigger than vengeance
We don't know what John calls this work anymore, and we certainly know what John's larger goal is. But for Dean, this is how he saves other from living the life he's had. Every victim lost is agony, but every person saved defines his calling.

Both men concentrating on the loves lost instead of the love staring them in the face.
I love this description, because it's so true. Dean lives in the "now" where love is concerned. Sam and John live in avenging what was, without hope of finding love again.

John and Sam are becoming the same man. It's just the paths they took to get there are slightly different. Sam has learned more from his father than he ever dreamed possible.
And what a terrible, tragic thing that is-- he hasn't persuaded John, and he's lost his own perspective as well.

But in the middle, there is Dean. Unnoticed, unheard and still unheeded. :(

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments as always, tyrical. They bring me such happiness. ♥
I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable women: broody deanmissyjack on July 30th, 2006 09:24 pm (UTC)
He can claim this but he has no chance to keep it.

you've so captured how when you desire something beyond all reason, you'll pursue it even when it wounds you so much. Achingly good.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 07:06 am (UTC)
you've so captured how when you desire something beyond all reason, you'll pursue it even when it wounds you so much.
Ohh, thank you so much missyjack! That's the exact tone of desperate, driven disregard I was going for here.

I'm so glad you enjoyed this, Dean's ache and all. :)
Flameswordtahm on July 30th, 2006 09:41 pm (UTC)
Heh, I dunno, I could maybe see this of canon Sam, almost. There's times he's freaking oblivious. But I don't really think he'd go this far... still, very interesting, and poor Dean!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on July 31st, 2006 07:09 am (UTC)
I could maybe see this of canon Sam, almost. There's times he's freaking oblivious.
He's oblivious to Dean's pain, but then-- Dean's oblivious to the fact that Sam really means it when he talks about his dreams. Dean doesn't get why Sam doesn't want this life... and that won't change the fact that Sam's choices are his own and for him, they are not wrong. :(

still, very interesting, and poor Dean!
This stretches canon a little, for the sake of this darker side to their relationship. Some of the dynamic is there in canon, and the rest-- everything Dean fears from Sam.

Glad you liked it all the same, and thanks for your comments. :)
(no subject) - tahm on July 31st, 2006 07:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on August 1st, 2006 06:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - tahm on August 1st, 2006 06:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
Ah, I see you remember the original drabble very well.

and despite that how can Dean possibly deny himself a smidgen of what he wants even for the few short minutes it's foisted upon him.
It's all he'll ever have, and he knows it. Even Dean isn't strong enough to turn down that little piece of happiness that taunts him with its impermanence. :(

“Everything I have—every fucking thing I am—is yours, and you have never even cared.”
That line is right out of the original drabble. In going for angry Dean, if he were to lose it in arguing with Sam, I can't think of anything truer he could throw out to make his point. And does it ever hurt for being so true.

Glad you liked the longer result as well. Dark isn't my usual thing, but again, sometimes...
Kronette: Sam and Dean-can't go on like thiskronette on July 31st, 2006 01:20 am (UTC)
Holy f***ing crap. We do love to torture Dean, don't we?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 05:50 am (UTC)
We do love to torture Dean, don't we?
Oh, and what's worse is that most of our work is done by canon. :(

Take away the Wincest spin, and you've got the show staring you in the face week after week as Dean struggles to maintain his mask and Sam and John let his words drift by unheeded.

The skinwalker's got nothing on Dean's family's ability to hurt him. :(
MF Ludermf_luder_xf on July 31st, 2006 01:54 am (UTC)
Ah! *pets Dean* I love their little conversation. Harsh Sam, but then...I love harsh Sam. :-)

Great fic as always!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 05:52 am (UTC)
Harsh Sam, but then...I love harsh Sam. :-)
I can see that from your icon! :D I think his harshness is usually unintentional, but sometimes it is very much there. And honestly, especially in a humor setting (which this isn't), I sometimes get a huge kick out of it.

So glad you enjoyed this one, mf! Thank you. :D
a fiction worthy wind: SPN - Longingquietdiscerning on July 31st, 2006 02:11 am (UTC)
oh Dean.

not sure if i agree completely with the sam portrayal, but certainly you have deans utter inability to say no to sam down.

just OWWW.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 05:58 am (UTC)
not sure if i agree completely with the sam portrayal, but certainly you have deans utter inability to say no to sam down.
I could see Sam being this on his worst days, not on most days, and harshly judged because this viewpoint is from Dean's eyes. Sam's reasons for not wanting to have this be "everything" are completely valid reasons-- but to Dean they're just excuses for something that doesn't matter. On that particular point, he's not listening to Sam any better than Sam listens to him. *Sigh* Different values, different hearts.

And Dean's inability to say no... Sam owns him down to the essence of his very soul. :( Caught in conflict between the work that matters, a father whose approval he desperately craves, and his need to be with Sam... there's no "win" in this scenario. Dean's loss is the largest of all.

Hope you enjoyed it, despite the Sam issues. I never write Sam like this, and I knew he'd probably raise a few eyebrows along the way. :)
dc_longwing on July 31st, 2006 02:16 am (UTC)
YOWch. I remember the drabble from which this grew--that one was really stark and sparely written. And this conveys the same pain, but lord the layers you've added. Beautifully written; I wanted to flinch away but I couldn't bear to miss a word.
Thanks,
DC
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 06:01 am (UTC)
I remember the drabble from which this grew--that one was really stark and sparely written.
I still love that drabble, just as it was. But if I were going to expand on the idea within it, I can't resist expanding the drabble as well. Every lynchpin in this story was in that drabble, and almost all the most striking lines.

But if it feels "more," in both layers and effect, then that's the best compliment I could wish for from someone who's read them both.

Beautifully written; I wanted to flinch away but I couldn't bear to miss a word.
Best description of being drawn into the pain ever. Thank you, DC! :D
I am a fucking lady!bitchygrrl on July 31st, 2006 02:54 am (UTC)
Beautiful and so sad, vet a very believable Sam
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 06:03 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! This aspect of their relationship (Wincest or Gen) is the crux of the show to me. They're unable to find common ground, but Dean at least will suffer greatly if Sam leaves again-- and yet neither can give up who they are and what they do. Ouch.