?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
09 October 2014 @ 11:18 am
LJ Idol Season Nine: "The Metrics of Hell"  
The Metrics of Hell
lj idol season nine | week 24 | 690 words
The Cupertino Effect

x-x-x-x-x

To: The Legion of Imps
From: Your Dark Overlord
Re: Business Metrics



Attention, all imps!

The third-quarter results are in, and there has been a sharp decline in the overall numbers for vexing, injustices, and thwarting. This cannot continue.

Our work is not limited to tempting the weak and tormenting the damned. We also have a larger duty, a calling, to bring widespread misery to the living. It is here that our statistics have suffered.

Consider this an incentive—or a warning—for this final quarter: each of you must double your last-quarter performance numbers, or you will re-experience the horror of what Hell can truly be.

Level One imps may wish to focus on smaller embarrassments such as the inappropriate respelling of words on electronic devices, memory-blanking during public speaking, locking keys inside cars, uncontrollable flatulence, et cetera, et cetera. Additional vexing, such as disappearing and reappearing parking meters, is always welcome.

The rest of you know the kind of work I expect of you. Think big! We had the entire world panicking over the Y2K bug. I want to see more of that kind of persistence and innovation.

The top fourth-quarter performers will receive a pass on the intermediate-level punishing of their choosing—or an invocation of it, should they prefer.

Get out there and make some trouble. Fear my unholy wrath!


Read more...Collapse )


If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

 
 
 
shimmerdreamshimmerdream on October 12th, 2014 11:24 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! So that explains why I keep getting lost...
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 13th, 2014 07:19 am (UTC)
:D It's all a plot! Though you're helping to raise the quarterly business results. ;D
A Karmic Sandbox: No Really!karmasoup on October 13th, 2014 04:09 am (UTC)
Very amusing vexing, thwarting, and widespread misery harbinger-ing! Also, the stool and milking pail was priceless.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 13th, 2014 07:21 am (UTC)
Wreaking misery-- it's a full-time job, at least for somebody.

Imps, minions, demons, wraiths...it's quite a workforce, though I suppose more easily motivated than most. :D

Edited at 2014-10-13 07:21 am (UTC)
Danmuchtooarrogant on October 14th, 2014 03:35 am (UTC)
You know what's sad, these are a great deal like business memos my boss would write. LOL Very fun and imaginative!

Dan
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 14th, 2014 03:43 am (UTC)
Hee-- I work in a large corporation, and we get to the naval-gazing point of metrics such that they are maddening and sometimes useless.

"How many weeks has this bug been open? OMG!" Well, are we waiting on another team for more information? Waiting on supporting code? Waiting for the testing people to re-verify and close the darn thing? Argh.

Over-use of metrics is Dilbertian for a reason, I'm afraid!
favoritebeanfavoritebean on October 14th, 2014 08:41 am (UTC)
This was brilliant! Very well done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 14th, 2014 05:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you and the scary giant duck enjoyed it. :D
Teo Sayseternal_ot on October 14th, 2014 11:52 am (UTC)
Haha.. I enjoyed it...:D.Wonderful work with the prompt. Well done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 14th, 2014 05:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much!
Seantalon on October 14th, 2014 04:43 pm (UTC)
*snickers* fun! Also, your icon is extraordinarily appropriate :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 14th, 2014 05:04 pm (UTC)
I get such a kick out of Beelzebot-- ever since the Futurama episode where Bender's electricity addiction causes him to crash through the roof of Robotology, and then (post-conversion) his falling off the good-behavior wagon gets him sent to Hell. Where Beelzebot rules. There is also a production number. :D
ArmagedDanhosticle_fifer on October 15th, 2014 12:14 am (UTC)
Hehe, nice. Not that far off from real corporate emails! (badum-tish)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 15th, 2014 12:54 am (UTC)
Not that far off from real corporate emails! (badum-tish)

They're a quantifiable, mockable thing! Which is kind of sad, really. :D
uncawes on October 15th, 2014 12:52 am (UTC)
Really like what you did with this week's topic, and can absolutely relate to the qualified candidate being overlooked. The imp responsible for that will be suitably rewarded in time
I've always told people I don't fear Hell. His Horned Majesty won't let me in because he knows I'll take over within a week.
And now I know what I'll do to him when that time comes. Eternity as a dung dwelling worm seems fitting.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Beelzebothalfshellvenus on October 15th, 2014 12:56 am (UTC)
Thank you-- I'm glad you enjoyed this!

His Horned Majesty won't let me in because he knows I'll take over within a week.
Just by being a little charming, you could beat this version of Satan all to Hell. (heh). Persuade all the imps and minions and demons rather than punish them, and you'd have them eating out of your hands. Viva la revolution!