?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
24 September 2014 @ 11:51 pm
LJ Idol Season Nine: "Behind The Walls"  
Behind The Walls
lj idol season nine | week 22 | 1560 words
Sweep The Leg

x-x-x-x-x

When we lived in the old house by the lake, we could hear voices at night—like secrets whispered behind walls, not quite loud enough for words to make it through.

"Nonsense, there's no one here but us," Granny Alice would say, whenever we mentioned the noise. "Not for miles."

We were only there for the summer. Daddy ran out on us after Easter, so Mama had to go to work. Now that school was out, there was no one to look after us during the day. We'd never been to Granny Alice's new house, but we liked her and it was only for a few months. Still, it wasn't quite like we'd imagined.

We had no pets and there were no other children nearby, so there was little to do. Ellie and I would make up games, or swim in the lake. Our grandmother worried: "Not too deep," she'd say, and we always agreed though we went out as far as we wanted anyway. What could possibly happen, there at the end of a long dirt road in that far-off piece of nothing?

Read more...Collapse )


It's a contestant-only vote this week, so no links! :)

 
 
 
shimmerdreamshimmerdream on September 28th, 2014 03:27 pm (UTC)
Good for Granny Alice. I really enjoyed this - it was just the right amount of creepy.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 28th, 2014 06:57 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! Creepiness is something I really like. Gore, not so much, but creepy? Yes!
Elеnakehlen on September 28th, 2014 04:41 pm (UTC)
Very boldly spooky.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 28th, 2014 06:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
Rebeccabeeker121 on September 28th, 2014 05:30 pm (UTC)
"We lived here with our Ma and Pa, 'til we drowned out there in that lake. Ain't left here since, and we ain't gonna."

And just like that, I find myself sympathizing with the ghost boys who may have been utterly forgotten when their parents died. They still play much too rough and I'm glad everyone is out safely, but I'm curious about the history. Well done.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 28th, 2014 06:59 pm (UTC)
That's the saddest thing. While the boys might very well be dangerous to other kids (and probably are), they didn't choose to become that way. They're stuck in a boring, inescapable rut-- at least up until they cross Granny Alice. ;)
Veronica Richveronica_rich on September 28th, 2014 06:41 pm (UTC)
I like Alice; she seems eminently sensible and practical. Good on her.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 28th, 2014 07:00 pm (UTC)
I'd envisioned her as being a completely different person when I started writing this, but with a single line, she evolved into a much more interesting character!
penpusherpenpusher on September 29th, 2014 03:15 am (UTC)
I've heard of a baptism by fire but an exorcism? Granny definitely didn't make friends with those ghosts! I wonder if they just hung around the charred walls, even angrier than before or if they decided to move on?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 06:12 am (UTC)
I think that, having removed the place they were required to haunt, they were finally set free. And certainly unable to do harm to any other children down the road!
favoritebeanfavoritebean on September 29th, 2014 08:46 am (UTC)
This was outright creepy, and perhaps the best story I've read today. Bravissimo!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 06:59 pm (UTC)
Yay! Thank you so much!
Teo Sayseternal_ot on September 29th, 2014 12:24 pm (UTC)
Spooky yet Cool \m/ I am a fan of Granny Alice now...What a woman! Bravo..:)...Enjoyed reading this..esp the built up..Good job!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 07:00 pm (UTC)
Granny Alice just completely surprised me, and that was probably the most fun thing about writing this!
suesniffsgluesuesniffsglue on September 29th, 2014 03:33 pm (UTC)
Awesome! I was really sucked in. Go Granny Alice!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :D
Kellykajel on September 29th, 2014 04:43 pm (UTC)
Yay, Granny!! Great job.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! :D
i_17bingoi_17bingo on September 29th, 2014 06:55 pm (UTC)
What surprised me is how quickly Granny accepted the haunting. Grownups are trained to ignore those kinds of things. But Granny Alice's love for her grandchildren transcends what she's supposed to believe.

The voice in this, by the way, is fantastic, with the tale of a haunting peppered with lots of little details--the inconsequential kind a child would add into a story because that's just how kids are.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2014 07:04 pm (UTC)
I think it's hard to ignore something that's right there in front of your face. "Granny, I hear voices talking in the walls" is one thing. Visible, ghostly/ghoulish creatures that are talking back to you? Most people will not resort to "La-la-la!" at that point. Most. ;)

Glad you enjoyed this, and yes-- those little, rambly details are just how kids talk. I don't know why, but it's also the reason so much of what they say is funny in other situations. There's often something highly weird linked to those random details, and the kid has no idea... :D