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27 July 2006 @ 01:23 pm
Prison Break Gen Fiction: Spare Me The Details (PG-13)  
Title: Spare Me The Details
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Michael (Gen, Humor)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes, you just don’t want to know…
Author’s Notes: Attack of the bizarre plotbunnies! But I’ll take it. Written for prisonbreak100, where I have the Gen pairing of Lincoln and Michael. This is for prompt #34, “Too Much.”


x-x-x-x-x

If there was one thing Michael had never understood, it was why people would tell him things.

It never began that way, but once they’d gotten to know him a bit, they'd start talking. And talking. Sometimes he found out important information that way, but most of the time… not.

“I remember this sweet little something from awhile back,” T-Bag said one morning. “She had the prettiest corn silk hair, and she wasn’t any bigger than a minute.”

“Stop.” Michael said.

“She and her dolly were wearing matching dresses, and—”

Stop. Now.

Back in college, he’d had the same problem over and over again with several different roommates. Mostly it involved over-sharing about sex, sometimes other things, but his roommate would get going and Michael barely saw it coming.

“Oh, man, I used to spend hours in the bathroom. I jacked off so much I painted the ceiling with my—“

“Whoa, look at the time! Gotta head off to a study date.”

“What, at nine p.m.?”

“Yup—see you later.”

He should have gotten used to it, growing up with Lincoln, but it never got any easier. And now that Lincoln was in prison, it had actually gotten worse.

“God, Michael, it’s been so long. I can’t take it anymore—I’m starting to really notice Peterson’s ass.”

“Lincoln, don’t—“

“Even Bellick almost appeals to me right now.”

“Augh! Brain bleach!”

“What?”

“Why’d you have to say that? Now I’ve got Naked Bellick in my head!”

“Sorry. I just get really desperate in here.”

“I’ll buy you a giant jar of Vaseline when we get out if you’ll just shut up now.”

“Mmmmm, Vaseline. I could really go for that, nice and slick and—“

“Lincoln! You’re doing it again!”

“What?”

Even as a kid it had happened. It was a wonder he’d survived grade school. Fifth grade in particular was an endless litany of disgustingness and gore.

“Hey, guess what?” Ricky Severensen had said one day. “I saw a dead cat in the street this morning. Its guts were lying on top of its fur, all wet and red and squishy and—Hey! Where’re you going? Aren’t you going to finish your lunch?”

When he was a teenager, Veronica would come over hoping to find Lincoln, and the two of them would wind up watching T.V. together in the evenings.

“… and the cramps are such a pain, and they get worse on those heavy days when the blood just gushes out sometimes, and—“

“Veronica, why are you telling me this? I don’t want to hear this! God—no guy wants to hear this!”

“Well, you’re not like most guys, Michael.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know. You’re easy to talk to. I can tell you stuff.”

“Not this stuff. Trust me. You really can’t.” Michael hadn't been able to fathom how that could possibly be a topic of conversation. “I can’t believe girls talk about this anyway,” he’d said. “It is some kind of competitive thing, where you try to gross each other out? Like telling ghost-stories during sleepovers?”

“No! It’s just… sharing. We bond over it. You know.” Veronica had seemed a little put out.

“Okay, whatever,” Michael had said. “Just leave me out of it.”

It had bought him a reprieve from menstrual horrors, but weeks and weeks of blather on shampoo types and deep conditioning and nail polish colors and “Do these pants make me look fat?” had nearly sent him around the bend. He should have been a little meaner, he thought later. It was a matter of self-preservation.

His junior-year college roommate was a prize and a half. A member of the football team, Blake had been relentlessly self-confident and obnoxious.

“You know, Scofield,” he’d said one night, lying on his bed and tossing a football up into the air. “I’ve been thinking…”

“That’s never good,” Michael had countered.

“For a nerd-bucket and all, you’re pretty hot. I don’t usually get into guys, but what do you say? Up for some experimenting?”

“No,” Michael had said flatly. “And if this is your seduction technique, I’d hate to see what you’re like when you’re trying to make someone mad.”

“You’re not, like, a virgin are you? Is that it? Though I have seen you with some serious babes. That dark-haired one that was here last week— who was that?”

“Veronica,” Michael had said warmly. “She’s off limits, though. She kind of dates my brother.”

Blake had put the football down and sat up. “She doesn’t have to be off limits. Not at all. You could get together with her and your brother, do the threesome thing.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Michael had asked. Blake found new ways to be appalling on a weekly basis. “Is there anything you wouldn’t do?”

“Animals,” Blake had answered. “I don’t do animals. Although…“

“All right, that’s enough. I’m going to the library.”

“Again?”

They never understood. It was like he needed a sign tattooed on his forehead that said “Not your therapist” or “No, I don’t want to hear about your sex life.”

He was not safe, no matter where he went.

In Warden Pope’s office, it was “She’s a wonderful woman, my wife, an amazing woman. She’s everything a man could want, really. Except for that bowel trouble that creeps up on her. But still, she’s more perfect than I deserve. A tigress in bed, and—“

“Warden, grab that corner there! It’s going to collapse!”

During count one day, Bellick passed through. “Heard Abruzzi spanking it in his cell the other day. He was calling out your name,” he told Michael.

“I’m sure it was his wife’s name,” Michael answered. “John’s quite the family man.”

“Oh, he believes in The Family all right,” Bellick laughed. “And not the sitting-around-the-kitchen-table kind either.” Michael pressed his lips tight, desperate to kick Bellick in the nuts with his uninjured foot, but he knew how stupid that would be. He couldn’t afford to do it, no matter how badly he wanted to stomp up and down Bellick from front to back and jump on the pieces afterward. He had to keep a cool head. The Plan demanded it.

And there was nothing like trying to work on something—especially something sneaky—and having a person practically hanging all over you while you did it.

“When I was in junior high, I crapped my pants,” Haywire said.

Oh for god’s sake, Michael thought. He really didn't need this right now.

“I shared something personal with you. Now it’s your turn,” Haywire prodded.

I’d like to share some knockout drops with you, so I can get some work done and never have to listen to anything like that again. But Michael said nothing, and hoped that Haywire would eventually get the point.

After the whole Haywire incident, he’d thought there’d be some peace. But when Sucre came back it was the same thing all over again.

“Sometimes when Mami and I get around to slipping below the equator… I’ll twist my tongue up against her and—“

“Whoa!” Michael said. “You shouldn’t be telling me this.”

“My other cellie used to like it. He got off on it.” Sucre almost sounded wounded.

“She’s your fiancée, and she’s going to have your baby. I respect that,” Michael said.

“Oh,” Sucre answered. And finally, finally Michael had won a small victory against the tide of Too Much Information.

And he’d almost forgotten about all of it, his mind completely focused on the last few days of scrambling to get Lincoln placed in the Infirmary and a finishing their escape route up through the metal pipe to freedom. Michael had narrowed down everything to that one, single possibility, that beacon of hope in a subterranean world.

And then it had failed—miserably, horribly failed—and they had regrouped and retreated. Michael’s last chance was gone, and Lincoln’s death was staring him in the face again.

As they stumbled back across the yard, Westmoreland began telling him something about a friend of his who had gone to the chair. Locked inside his own grief Michael thought, “Why on earth is he bringing this up? Of all the times to tell me something like this!”

But then a few important details suddenly broke through the fog. “Electrical malfunction” caught Michael’s attention, along with “rescheduled.”

Suddenly this excess information had meaning, held a seed of something important that Michael needed.

And for that breathless, uplifting moment Michael was grateful for whatever it was that made him the world’s unwilling confidant.


----- fin -----



 
 
 
mercurybard on July 27th, 2006 08:32 pm (UTC)
“Augh! Brain bleach!”
“What?”
“Why’d you have to say that? Now I’ve got Naked Bellick in my head!”


What is it with you and becisvolatile? Gah! I don't want Naked Bellick in my head any more...make it stop! ::curls up in a ball and whimpers::

Other than that, this was highly amusing. Nice job. I like how you brought in that little serious bit at the end.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 27th, 2006 08:39 pm (UTC)
Gah! I don't want Naked Bellick in my head any more...make it stop! ::curls up in a ball and whimpers::
:D It's because the horror is self-defining. It's the ultimate in YUCK!

This whole story borders on crack, and yet I can't quite say it crosses the line. As far as I can tell. ;)
(no subject) - mercurybard on July 27th, 2006 10:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on July 27th, 2006 11:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mercurybard on July 28th, 2006 04:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mercurybard on July 28th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 27th, 2006 11:24 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA! Thank you. I don't write humor for Prison Break that often (it's even darker than Supernatural), but it's sure fun to cut loose once in awhile. :D
Are we back to hos over bros?lissa_bear on July 28th, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
Nice. Funny and ends with a point. ;)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
Yeah, the end brings the lie to it ALWAYS being useless. Though I do remember watching that scene myself, and thinking, "Geez, Westmoreland, could you be more insensitive? Inappropriate topic, Helloooo." :D
(no subject) - r_a_l_i_g_h on August 5th, 2006 06:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
bluesister on July 28th, 2006 06:37 am (UTC)
My eyes! It just got worse but I couldn't stop reading.

And poor Michael.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 06:52 am (UTC)
My eyes! It just got worse but I couldn't stop reading.
Hah! It might actually be CrackFic then. It's SO hard to tell sometimes... ;)

And poor Michael.
Is it better or worse that some of the more awful stuff either IS canon (Haywire) or could easily BE canon (T-Bag). :0
i'm chris, not dustin (bella): Michael - Stand Aloneaccrues on July 28th, 2006 07:56 am (UTC)
And for that breathless, uplifting moment Michael was grateful for whatever it was that made him the world’s unwilling confidant.
*grin* Okay this fic is absolutely brilliant. He's like... a therapist ;)

Can I add this to my recc reading list?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 03:00 pm (UTC)
He's like... a therapist ;)
Yeah-- like a blindsided therapist! I still can't believe that Haywire scene actually happened. Oy.

Can I add this to my recc reading list?
I would be absolutely honored! Thank you! :D

That icon is gorgeous. Very dreamlike.
(no subject) - accrues on July 28th, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - accrues on July 28th, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Genevieve: michael tattoo by three_fingersmsgenevieve on July 28th, 2006 10:27 am (UTC)
I loved this. I was chuckling all the way through (oh, and cringing too, I'm with Michael on the whole oversharing thing) and then bam! It was suddenly very serious and had came full circle and that last line was just perfect. Thank you!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
(oh, and cringing too, I'm with Michael on the whole oversharing thing)
Oh, WORD. And I think it might actually be worse if you're a guy, because everyone naturally assumes you want to hear every sex-related tidbit that falls out of their brain. :0

A friend at work loaned me several years worth of "Sex and the City," and I was unprepared for how graphic a lot of the discussion was. And I told her (we're both engineers) that virtually NONE of my friends has ever gone into those topics like that. And it was the same for her. Thank. God.

It was suddenly serious at the end, but as you say-- it does close the theme and finally someone's blundering oversharing is worth listening to.

Thank you, msgenevieve. :)
miss_mazzie on July 28th, 2006 11:23 am (UTC)
“You know. You’re easy to talk to. I can tell you stuff.”... “Not this stuff. Trust me. You really can’t.” == Favorite part. I dunno - just made me chuckle.

Great ending! Bring a little seriousness back and now you've got great story!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:10 pm (UTC)
Favorite part.
:D Thank you, miss_mazzie. Poor Michael-- sometimes being easy to talk to is NOT a good thing. :0

Glad you liked the ending as well-- I was hoping not to whiplash people with that TOO much. :)
Deutschtard: Beautiful Disasterdeutschtard on July 28th, 2006 11:40 am (UTC)
Though it's already been quoted:
“Augh! Brain bleach!”
“What?”
“Why’d you have to say that? Now I’ve got Naked Bellick in my head!”


I didn't used to like bellick, but steralizetheemo has written some pretty good ones that have started to get me over my squick. so has thekayla, you should really check them out, they're not like "eewww, naked bellick!!" but they are really well written. Hell, if musicophilia can get me over my incest squick(i'm actually writing one right now), then those two can get you over your bellick squick :D i'm sure of it.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC)
:D Thanks, Alix. Gah-- Naked Bellick is a frightening thought.

Thanks for the author recs as well. :)
(no subject) - thekayla on August 2nd, 2006 04:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - deutschtard on August 2nd, 2006 06:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
BEWARE OF JENMAR.: PB - Poor Michaelclex_monkie89 on July 28th, 2006 12:00 pm (UTC)
Huh. I didn't get knocked off trying to load this even once.

I heart you and this and Michael. Poor guy, everyone wants to spill their innermost secrets to him. It's that whole "quiet" thing, people assume that it means you like listening to them talk.

I don't think I can pick a favorite line out of here really, but Michael offering to buy Linc vaseline does hold a funny place in my heart.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:15 pm (UTC)
Huh. I didn't get knocked off trying to load this even once.
:0 I'm ready to prop up your internet with a tuning fork. It sounds terrible! Plus, you've missed the Wincest Amnesia fic, and I still don't have your stories to peruse and think about titles. :0

Poor guy, everyone wants to spill their innermost secrets to him. It's that whole "quiet" thing, people assume that it means you like listening to them talk.
Exactly. Been there, and usually it isn't stuff like this (thank goodness). The things people tell me are usually personal, but more heartfelt rather than TMI. Now that is something one can feel honored to be trusted with. But Past Kills and spanking-it stories and female plumbing stuff? Oy. No thanks!

but Michael offering to buy Linc vaseline does hold a funny place in my heart.
Heh! And it only set him off MORE instead of shutting him up. :D
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on July 28th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:16 pm (UTC)
I really wanted you to go through every single "sharing session" Michael has had to endure in his entire life so I could continue picturing him freaking out, getting flustered and making faces of disgust and disbelief.
These weren't bad enough?! Because OMG. I felt bad enough for him already!

Poor Michael; but he's just so entertaining!
:D I need to get more mileage out of him either as a straight man or via evilClever humor. It's only a matter of time. ;)

Thanks for reading, Debbie. :)
uponplains on July 28th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
Haha I loved this! We need more fics like this around! It was actually hilarious, I can't even tell you which parts were my favorite because they were all so good. The Warden thing cracked me up though. Really nice job!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC)
,i>It was actually hilarious, </i>
Yay! \o/ That's what I want to hear. :D

I love the Warden, and I almost didn't put that part in there. But it was too much to resist, and I kept his language polite although his topics were definitely over the line.

So glad you liked this! Thank you, circus_sands. :)
Mylennmylenn on July 28th, 2006 07:33 pm (UTC)
This was LOVELY. I loved everything about it, but especially Michael's response to the TMI.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 28th, 2006 07:57 pm (UTC)
Haha! Thank you. :D And can you blame him? That was a LOT of TMI, in a lot of different but all equally awful flavors.

Your icon is oddly perfect for this story. :) Thank you!
Maz (or foxxy!)tuesdaeschild on July 29th, 2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
I thought this was brilliant! You just gotta feel sorry for poor Michael hearing about all that stuff from everyone. No surprise he felt like kicking Bellick in the nuts and Henry Pope sharing stuff about is wife that way? Gotta love that!

There is no-one who can see into characters like you do, and you genuinely seem to have a connection with what goes on in Michael's head.

Man oh man! This was outrageously clever and yes, funny!!

But of course it would be the wonderful Charles Westmoreland (God! I shall miss him!) who would make Michael appreciate being the world's most unwilling confidant!

Fantastic fic, sweetheart!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on July 30th, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
You just gotta feel sorry for poor Michael hearing about all that stuff from everyone.
Heh. The Haywire part alone that was actually in the show is bad enough. And I imagine that every once in awhile T-Bag wants to get talking about his exploits.

the wonderful Charles Westmoreland (God! I shall miss him!)
Oh, Charles. At least his was a noble end, if nothing else. :(

Thank you, foxy! :D
(no subject) - tuesdaeschild on July 30th, 2006 12:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on August 1st, 2006 05:58 am (UTC)
Heh-heh! I have never had that adjective thrown at me before. You win! \o/

And so glad you liked it. Thank you! :D
The Good, The Bad and The Lana: big happy hug Veronicathelana on August 1st, 2006 09:04 am (UTC)
I loved this to bits. Very, very funny. Interestingly? Especially your take on the canon scenes (Haywire, Westmoreland; The Haywire scene has always cracked me up big time in canon with its nuttiness). And other than that? Definitely Veronica and her "womanly problems". Poor Michael :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 04:42 am (UTC)
Especially your take on the canon scenes (Haywire, Westmoreland; The Haywire scene has always cracked me up big time in canon with its nuttiness).
Those Haywire lines were SO out-of-bounds, and for the Westmoreland one I remember thinking "This is not the time, Charles!" when the episode aired. I was so horrified that he'd even brought that up!

Who could resist the Veronica one? That's like a page out of Clex's wonderful teen-buddies dynamic. :D
(no subject) - thelana on August 2nd, 2006 04:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on August 2nd, 2006 05:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thelana on August 2nd, 2006 07:08 am (UTC) (Expand)