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11 August 2014 @ 03:29 pm
LJ Idol Season Nine: "Gianni The Enforcer"  
Gianni The Enforcer
lj idol season 9 | week 17 | 741 words
"scare quotes"

x-x-x-x-x-x

I know what you're gonna ask. Yeah, I had bigger hopes than this when I was growing up, but things don't always work out, you know? My grades weren't so good, and Ma was always busy at the newspaper. My cousin Larry was the smart one, and now he's working for People magazine. It ain't prestige, but it pays. Me? I guess you could say my job is in accounts and enforcement.

Yeah. I'm the muscle.

My partner is a guy named Floyd. Most of the time, everyone plays by the rules and we don't have to get involved. That's the way we like it. But every now and then, some Weisenheimer decides to write a newspaper or magazine article and make up some of the quotes, which is illegal or something. Or maybe they start putting quotation marks around words that don't need them, like "food" or "official" or "new."

When that happens, somebody's getting paid to violate the code, and that makes all Quotation Marks look bad. Punctuation is an old profession, and the Family doesn't hold with that kind of business. That's where Floyd and I come in.

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If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

 
 
 
John Louis: Applause Colbertgrail76 on August 14th, 2014 12:37 am (UTC)
Punctuation police. Love it.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 12:49 am (UTC)
:D These were more the punctuation mafia, but either way... break the rules, suffer the consequences!

Ah, Colbert. I will miss his show so very much. :(
(no subject) - grail76 on August 14th, 2014 01:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kellykajel on August 14th, 2014 01:05 am (UTC)
Yes! I love when you do crack.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Yay!halfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 01:23 am (UTC)
Hee-- I'm glad someone else besides me enjoys it! \o/
ArmagedDanhosticle_fifer on August 14th, 2014 02:21 am (UTC)
LOL, Grammar Nazi Brute Squad. Or, more accurately, Punctuation Mafia Enforcement Goons. Funny stuff!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 06:30 am (UTC)
I guess even quotation marks can be fitted for cement overshoes. ;)
A Crimson Plumcrimsonplum on August 14th, 2014 02:42 am (UTC)
I edit for a living. Can I hire this guy? :) Loved it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 06:31 am (UTC)
Yes-- and their kin, the Grammar Good Squad. Because heaven knows, we could use more help from them!
D.binaryorchid on August 14th, 2014 05:01 am (UTC)
Hehe, that was amazing!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 06:31 am (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed it. :D
Jemima Paulerjem0000000 on August 14th, 2014 06:13 am (UTC)
Lol, this was great. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 14th, 2014 06:31 am (UTC)
Thank you!
(no subject) - jem0000000 on August 15th, 2014 10:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
favoritebeanfavoritebean on August 14th, 2014 08:14 am (UTC)
This was terribly funny crack, and oh so necessary today.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 05:53 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and that it gave you some fun. :)
Direst Ryl: Y-O-U-Rryl on August 14th, 2014 02:19 pm (UTC)
Jimmy put up a sign outside his bar last night, advertising floor shows with "live" girls. Instead of what, shows with dead ones
"Live" girls tonight! As opposed to the dead ones that usually work here!

Have you seen Weird Al's grammar police videos? That's what this post reminded me of.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 05:54 am (UTC)
I haven't heard of those!

Though really, someone like Weird Al is perfectly suited to taking someone's stupid mistake and blowing it up through the roof. :D
whipchickwhipchick on August 14th, 2014 05:40 pm (UTC)
Just terrific! I love what you did with the prompt, and this was so clever and funny!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 06:00 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! I so enjoy writing crack, when a prompt wants to go there. The more absurd but internally-consistent, the better. :)
Es'kaeska818 on August 14th, 2014 10:46 pm (UTC)
The voice of this piece is striking and feels very unique when I think about the other pieces you've written - and by that, I mean it's very awesome to see you branch out and do so well with it. Applauding the humor and skill, and also kind of laughing, because I recently read your husband's piece, and while it is different, it is vaguely similar in concept. You two are adorkable! I mean that in the best way possible, I'm super envious of your relationship meshness. (I totally just made that word up)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 06:22 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed this!

I've veered off into crack before, and honestly didn't know my husband leaned so much toward it until he started writing for Idol. I've really gotten a kick out of his stories!

For approaches and voices, though, I'll go with whatever seems to work for a prompt. Nothing-- even punctuation mafiosi-- is off limits!
adoptedwriteradoptedwriter on August 15th, 2014 12:00 am (UTC)
I absolutely love the " voice" in this and the take on the prompt! Wow!
AW
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 06:26 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Who knew life could offer such angst to a punctuation mark of very little brain?
Liz: sillylabelleizzy on August 15th, 2014 07:11 am (UTC)
i can't believe I missed reading this before voting! augh! it's hilarious, not "hilarious"!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 15th, 2014 04:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write. Poor Gianni-- what a life!
A Karmic Sandbox: No Really!karmasoup on August 28th, 2014 09:50 pm (UTC)
I was super busy the week this was posted, so I didn't get the chance to respond, but I wanted to follow up now that I have some time to say that this made me laugh my butt off... well.... not to say I don't still have plenty of butt, but, you know! Really enjoyed this, and sorry I missed saying so... I hate when deadlines cause me to be a "lurker," reading without any acknowledgement.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on August 28th, 2014 11:01 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I never like those weeks when I'm so under the gun that I can't comment on everything-- and you never know when getting buried like that is coming!