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23 October 2005 @ 10:17 pm
Supernatural FanFiction: It's Sam  
Author: HalfshellVenus
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: not mine, and they won’t do my bidding :-(

x-x-x-x-x-x

You wake up in a cave, in wet, smelly darkness. You feel like you’ve been stampeded over, and your head is killing you.

Something is roaring, something large and green, and you feel as if your brain might cleave in half from the sound. You can just barely make out Dean, throwing something at whatever-it-is and yelling at it in Latin. The Thing melts before your eyes, puddling on the cave floor, and you sink back down again before your neck gives out.

Suddenly Dean is there, kneeling over you and peering anxiously into your face. “Sammy?” he says. “Sammy, are you all right?”

You can barely see him. “It’s Sam,” you grind out, like a reflex, and the look on his face changes from one of worry to something fiercer.

“Goddamit, Sam, could you at least once let me love you the tiniest little bit? I thought you were dead!” Dean says, and then he is turning away. His shoulders begin shaking, and you hear muffled sobs—from Dean, who never cries—and you realize that maybe it wasn’t absolutely necessary to stake your independence at that particular moment. In fact, it was kind of an asshole thing to do.

You reach out to him, pull on his jacket, and he still won’t turn around. The hitching breaths are louder now. It sounds as if something in Dean is broken. Something that you broke, with your running away four years ago, and then joining up with him again now and being just a few feet apart from him all day while still pushing him away at every possible opportunity. You’d had to do it, had to escape this life of despair and chasing nightmares. It had been killing your soul, and you had to leave while there was still a chance that that part of you might not be totally dead yet.

And after the first few months, you’d stopped thinking about what that must have felt like for Dean, still wandering the country with Dad every day, holed up in cheap motels with only an angry, bitter man for company. Now that you think about it, that sounded worse than you’d always thought it was. You hadn’t really liked that life, but at least you hadn’t been doing it alone. But for Dean… when you weren’t around anymore, being with their father was pretty much the same as being alone. Somebody else shared the driving, and decided your next course of action, but still—their father had been only a shell of a man for years now, more a vessel for vengeance than a human being. Maybe that was worse than being alone—being with someone who mattered so much to you, but couldn’t ever give anything back. Couldn’t listen to your problems without forming an attack plan, always had to point you to a weapon or a spellbook instead of just giving you the hug that was probably all you really needed to feel better.

It had been bad enough growing up that way, but to still be living it… suddenly you understand Dean a little better. Why you both ride so uneasily in the car, like strangers but with too much history. Your pain must be clouding the air, and yet you won’t let Dean help you—don’t trust him not to be a jerk about it, like Dad always was, even though Dean was always the one you turned to growing up. And Dean acts like he’s afraid to count on your staying, like if he gets too close you’ll run out on him again. When you think about it, he treats you like a horse he’s afraid of spooking. You never meant to be that person, but you’ve got a lot on your mind right now with Jess getting killed, and you’ve been pretty closed off and touchy.

And apparently, pretty selfish as well.

Because now you realize that you are not the only one hurting here. Your hurt is more recent, but his is almost as deep. You were the only bright spot in Dean’s life, and you took that away from him. And now here you are, close enough to touch every day but really still as distant in spirit as when you were off living your own dreams halfway across the country.

You sit up now, because you finally can, and pull Dean back against you, wrapping your arms around him as he shakes and bites back his feelings. Your legs come up around his sides, and you lean your head against his, holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper in his ear. “I shouldn’t have said that.” You rock him a little, feeling him slowly melt against you and realizing how much pain he’s been holding in, maybe for years now. “I’m sorry.” You say it again, hoping he can hear, that he understands that you mean it—not just for now, but for everything.

And Dean—who has always protected you, who killed a demon for you just now and by god, you couldn’t even be nice about it—looks up at you with resolute eyes and says, “It’s all right, Sammy.” Like it really is. Like you hadn’t just stomped all over his heart because you always thought he was too strong for it to really matter.

And now you hear what he really means, when he calls you that. He’s not talking to you as if you were a child, even though he remembers all of your childhood (maybe better than you do), and he adored you through all of it. It isn’t that he doesn’t realize you’ve grown up. It’s that you’re still his little brother, and he still loves you the way he always has. ‘Sammy” isn’t so much a name for him as a description of the place you hold in his life.

Maybe your grown-up name isn’t as important as you thought. Maybe you could cut Dean a little slack, and let him enjoy having you back without you having to be such a little bitch all the time.

Maybe he deserves at least that much from you.

You hold him tighter. After awhile, he’ll understand it too. Then you can pick yourselves up, hobble out of this damn cave, and start pulling down this fence that grew between you.

It was you that put the fence up. But you could use a little help in taking it down. And Dean’s the one you’ve always relied on.

He still is.


--------- fin ---------

Reviews feed the muse
 
 
 
whipper on October 24th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
If someone had asked me just a few moments ago if a fic with crying!Dean could ever be in-character, I would probably have said no. Well that just goes to show how much I know. Love this fic! It all felt very real. /cuddles
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean Regularhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)
I would normally have said Dean isn't a cryer too, but if anyone has the power to drive him to it, it's Sam. (especially the way he's been acting)

And maybe that's what it takes to get through to Sam. That younger sibling/older sibling dynamic that can sometimes be awfully self-centered.

Thanks for the great compliments!
(no subject) - shadowcat15 on October 24th, 2005 06:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Good, The Bad and The Lana: brothersthelana on October 24th, 2005 06:28 am (UTC)
Wow, such a scary image, to picture Dean crying like that.

LOVE the description of the father and the relationship with the father. Very poignant and spot on.

The only thing I'm kind of missing is Dean making some flippant remark somewhere at the end, trying to deflect the emotional situation (even if it doesn't work). But he probably *really* is too messed up even for that at that point.

You were the only bright spot in Dean’s life, and you took that away from him.

*hugs Dean*

‘Sammy” isn’t so much a name for him as a description of the place you hold in his life.

Love that line.

Great job with what I think is your first "You" fic, no?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean Regularhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC)
Yes, this is the first fic from the "second person," I guess you'd call it.

I've read others in this style, and sometimes it really works. Seemed good for this particular fic.

I think for once, Dean has nothing to say. Maybe because Sam has finally heard him.
(no subject) - thelana on October 24th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thelana on February 8th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 9th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
Staceystaceey on October 24th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed this. You did a great job writing it and hope to see more Dean/Sam fics from you in the future. =)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean Regularhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
I hope to write more, in between the Prison Break stuff I write. Both shows have a really compelling family dynamic.

Love your avatar/icon :-P
(no subject) - staceey on October 24th, 2005 07:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on October 24th, 2005 07:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
nonomango on October 24th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
They have issues, man, huge huge issues! *g* And I think you covered most if not all in this little fic. *applauds*

But I wouldn't mind seeing an expanded, longer version ;)

"Maybe that was worse than being alone—being with someone who mattered so much to you, but couldn’t ever give anything back"

Heartache.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean Regularhalfshellvenus on October 25th, 2005 02:00 am (UTC)
That particular line could also refer to Sam-- if he were aware enough to realize it.

Because after Dean dragged him back into their old life, their relationship up to this moment has been like this too.
(Reply to this)(Parent)
Raven: Supernaturalsxeraven on October 24th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
OMG... that's just so...

and yeah... there are a few lines in there that just speak volumes, and captures them both so very very much.

The end just leaves you knowing it's somehow okay, but it's all not okay at the same time, because something changed.

He still is.
It all goes along with them feeling like it's always them, always been and always will be...

*loves*
JediPrincessDSV: lucasjediprincessdsv on October 24th, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
I love this fic! Wow, it's so good....

Loved this bit the best:
"It isn’t that he doesn’t realize you’ve grown up. It’s that you’re still his little brother, and he still loves you the way he always has. ‘Sammy” isn’t so much a name for him as a description of the place you hold in his life. "

Exactly, yes!!! I love it when he calls him Sammy...
Well done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean Regularhalfshellvenus on October 25th, 2005 02:02 am (UTC)
I do too, maybe because I hear this subtext.

Dean can be a pain, and he's not above tweaking Sam almost every chance he gets.

But for the most part, he isn't calling him Sammy to annoy him. He's calling him that because it's the definition of his love for Sam.
knights_13: Supernatural - Animatedknights_13 on October 28th, 2005 05:31 am (UTC)
Beautiful fic!!! I love the description of their relationship with their father and how Sam comes to realize Dean's POV. And Dean crying - you pulled that off very nicely!!! =D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam and Dean slashhalfshellvenus on October 28th, 2005 05:44 am (UTC)
I had someone on FF.net tell me that the crying was unrealistic, but hey-- he's not boo-hooing all the way through an adventure. He's just finally been clobbered by the raging insensitivity of the person who matters most to him. And not for the first time :-(

The whole thing with their Dad depresses me no end, the more I think about it.

I like the fanon universe, where Dean is really Sam's only emotional support (because their father is too driven to pay much attention to either of them).

The more you read of fanon, the more you ache for Dean.

I was actually thinking today that, based just on his actions and behaviors (besides the pesky teasing), his love for Sam is very clear. If you were to pay attention only to his words... it's invisible.
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on October 28th, 2005 05:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - knights_13 on October 28th, 2005 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - knights_13 on October 28th, 2005 10:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The Good, The Bad and The Lanathelana on February 9th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
But isn't that... sad? In regards to their relationship that Dean would have to throw a crying fit just to get Sam to pay attention to him? It's not really what I would consider too healthy.

Especially since Dean doesn't really say anything. I know it sounds like a romantic idea that he just has to cry and Sam knows why he does it, but still... Feels weird to me.

I get people being so close they understand each other in a buddy, buddy/fellow soldier kind of way without words. But here is like the duality, on one hand Dean has to cry to get attention (the understanding each other thing does not work), but on the other hand he doesn't get to say anything.

Especially if you see it as Sam being in the wrong, feels kind of pityful. (if you wanna play devil's advocate)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on February 9th, 2006 01:09 am (UTC)
But isn't that... sad? In regards to their relationship that Dean would have to throw a crying fit just to get Sam to pay attention to him? It's not really what I would consider too healthy.

Well, I don't mean crying on purpose.

But what we've seen over and over again is that Sam has a lot of expectations of Dean (his support, that he'll be there) and has taken a lot of things for granted (Dean loving him and essentially raising him).

It's more like a child's view of a parent, that you can sass them and be mean to them endlessly, and they'll just take it-- it'll bounce right off. That's what I'm talking about.

Sam doesn't fully understand his capacity to hurt Dean, mainly through insensitivity. Dean is tough, for sure. But he isn't made of stone.

Does that make more sense?
(no subject) - thelana on February 9th, 2006 01:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 9th, 2006 01:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - thelana on February 9th, 2006 01:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
tyrical: SPN_Taillypo_SD_togethertyrical on February 10th, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC)
Goddamit, Sam, could you at least once let me love you the tiniest little bit?

How much did it cost Dean to utter these words.

How much of an ass was Sam? So caught up in himself that he forgot that Dean had the same father he had. That Dean can actually remember the loss of his mother that died the same way Jess did. That Dean was there and probably understood their father in a way that he never could until now.

That Sam does realize some of this and loves his brother enough to try really try and remember that their is someone else in the car besides his self and his pain.

Yet again I ask, how much did it cost Dean to utter those words?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2006 06:33 pm (UTC)
How much did it cost Dean to utter these words.
A lot of frustration and pain that blindsided him, because admitting that it hurts-- without couching it in sarcasm-- leaves him vulnerable. And that is something their father has taught them, from the earliest age, not to be. (In their case, with good reason :-()

That Dean can actually remember the loss of his mother that died the same way Jess did.
This one keeps coming up on the show, and it's a huge blind spot for Sam. Did he realize what he was asking when he wanted to go back to Lawrence in "Home"? How hard that would be for Dean? And in "Scarecrow," it seems to have slipped his mind that although Dean was young, losing your mother to flames IS possibly worse than losing your girlfriend-- no matter how much you loved her.

thelana and I were discussion whether this fic now feels so out-of-character that it's beyond hope. It was written just after the first few episodes, when the brothers were reunited. During those first few shows, Sam was in a major funk about Jess and his stolen future (understandably), but every time Dean tried to help with it-- or even just act like he knew Sam, and they meant something to each other-- Sam would cut him off and push him away. And after Dean had done so much in parenting Sam, only to have Sam desert him emotionally when he went to college-- that just seemed so unfair and so heartless.

Hence, Dean's outburst. Much of which is mine, because early in this series I had a huge desire to smack Sam upside the head. Guh!
(no subject) - tyrical on February 10th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
fpvsfpvs on April 9th, 2006 12:33 pm (UTC)
After the first two paragraphs, I wasn't sure you were gonna pull off this style of writing, but wow! You blew me away!

You captured the angst of the boys {cos they never really grew up, did they!} so superbly and all that pain they're carrying around with them...

*wants to hug them both and tell them it will be alright*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 9th, 2006 06:23 pm (UTC)
After the first two paragraphs, I wasn't sure you were gonna pull off this style of writing, but wow! You blew me away!
This was written after the Pilot episode, and I have to admit, it feels a little out of character to me now-- because who knew that the assiness between them would stretch on for so long?

But I'm glad there's still something worth finding in it. It's too bad they can't seem to reach any resolution between them on the show. Makes it a little frustrating at times!

I love the "Death By Angst" icon, BTW. :D