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01 May 2012 @ 06:27 pm
The Real LJ Idol: "Thar He Blows!" (backdated screenreader version)  
Thar He Blows!
real lj idol | week 31 | 590
Polemic (This version uses fewer abbreviations to make it easier for screenreaders to process)


Recently discovered excerpts from the Very Secret Diary of conservative American talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh.

New vocabulary word today: BLOVIATE. Useful? Can't see how it applies.

Kathryn says new necklace too cheap, wants better. Still no gratitude for last one. Time to trade in, find wife #5? Hate lawyer harangue, though. Expensive.

Need show topics for this week. Could do gays, Obama, gay-Obama, gun rights, Muslims.

Seems stale... Might get out dartboard, let it decide.

Want Sunday pot roast! Kathryn vetoed for salad. All Obama's fault.

Dworkin talking constitutional law again. Stupid college grads, think they know everything. Harvard Law ones the worst. Plot?

Traitor Olson still defending gay marriage in California. Reagan probably spinning in grave.

Asked Kathryn to arrange romantic dinner tonight. Need some action! Says charity event already scheduled. Peeved. Wives 1-3 never put out after marriage either. Scheming bimbos…

Debunked global warming again. Hope Al Gore dies on ice floe.

Stupid-hot today, though. Everyone restless. Might take the Mercedes to DQ drive-thru later, run air-conditioning in parking lot.

Saw Michael J. Fox on talk-show. Still think he was faking the twitches and shakes on the Stem Cell ads. From Canada, so suspect anyway. Truth hurts, McFly!

Note: Tea Party quiet, needs firing up. Move Federal Pork discussion to tomorrow.

Want ice cream! Pants too tight, though—no time this week to buy new. Still, want it.

Mrs. Usurper-In-Chief would not approve. Might get her attention? Good and bad. Hate the pretty ones, hate dilemmas! Glad Hillary's old. Palin's still ours, dumb but hot. Perfect.

Feminazis still carping about Sandra Fluke thing. Position still justified, though. Want taxpayer funding for sex life? Move to Sweden.

Note: Check Viagra supply. Think wife stealing it. Why?

Whole afternoon dragging, freezer still empty. Tax rants not distracting enough.

4 p.m., sent maid out for ice cream. And pants.

Saw new doctor today, female. Obviously incompetent. Switch later.

Said Bellicosity reading off chart, even for Caucasian Male. Point? Not sure. See if can get medicine for it.

Hate Obama-bitch again today. It comes and goes. Still black. Saw curves on magazine cover, called her fat on show again. Too soon to blast daughters? Still remember Chelsea Clinton fallout…

Oxy issues coming back. Held off long enough to tape show today, special topic on "Freeloading Crack-Whore Sluts". Genius performance, very popular! Audience loved it!

Too bad most of them men. Need more babes…

Night: lost rest of day to Oxy, going to bed. Big event tomorrow, must pull self together.

Kathryn still not home. Check credit card later.

Nearly mobbed by illegals at rally today. Tons of American flags—confused? Irony? Can't tell.

Called 'Pig' and 'Fathead' by crowd again. Why so many Mexicans know those words? Maybe Mexican for something else?

Hate immigrants—always whining about money and jobs. Want money? Buy stock. And stop having babies.

Note: renew porn channel subscription.

Pot roast tomorrow! Wish football would start. Olympics coming, but no good sports. Need more cable.

Topics for next week: welfare parasites? National debt? More Obama-bashing, obviously, or Romney's doomed in November.

Kathryn asked for copy of life-insurance policy. Very suspicious. Why now?

New week, new vocabulary word: APOPLECTIC. Useless, can hardly even say it.

Who picks these words anyway, Bill Clinton?

If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

Notes: Some phrases above contain reference links, via mouse-hover. Rush Limbaugh is a well-known syndicated radio talk-show host in the United States. He has a large following among conservatives, and is widely considered by moderates and liberals to be offensive to women, minorities, and the poor. He has embodied the essence of divisive politics for many decades now.

Terminology and Cast of Characters:
Kathryn: Limbaugh's 4th (and current) wife.
Olson: Theodore Olson, U.S. Assistant Attorney General under Ronald Reagan, and Solicitor General under George W. Bush.
DQ: Dairy Queen, a U.S. fast-food chain known for ice cream treats and hamburgers.
Oxy: OxyContin. Limbaugh was addicted to this and to hydrocodone (both painkillers) for several years, while publicly criticizing how white drug users went unpunished.

imafarmgirlimafarmgirl on June 26th, 2012 03:37 pm (UTC)
I liked this. It's funny with a screen reader like someone going blah blah blah. Thanks for the screen reader version, that's worth a vote in and of itself.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 05:22 pm (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed it!

I really wasn't sure how the screenreader would process parts from the original version that are written


If the screenreader says "Good slash bad" then you'd get the same meaning as the original. But what if it doesn't know how to parse something with a slash, and you get NO word for that part?

There are also parts in the original that are written v. for very and obv. for obviously. I decided that trying to straighten that out from a spoken version might just be huge headache, so they're fully written out here.

The blah blah blah is not inconsistent with some of the humor here, oddly enough.

Thanks for commenting and letting me know how this worked out!
imafarmgirlimafarmgirl on June 27th, 2012 02:46 pm (UTC)
It does slashes okay, at least my quality screen reader does. I wouldn't have understood v or obv though.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 27th, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
Worth the alternate version for that alone!

Even if you got "v period" read to you, I think it's so unexpected that it ruins the context that would help you figure out that it's a highly abbreviated version of 'very'.

Does the screenreader handle common abbreviations well, like etc., or does it read them out as e t c period?
imafarmgirlimafarmgirl on June 28th, 2012 10:55 am (UTC)
It does etc. just fine.

If you are instant messaging it will do things like BRB.

The problem is that it tries to pronounce almost everything as a word. lol it pronounces like a word. I have mine set for only some puncuation. That way it doesn't say a period unless it is ...