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25 June 2012 @ 10:25 am
The Real LJ Idol: "Thar He Blows!"  
Thar He Blows!
real lj idol | week 31 | 590
Polemic (Note: A screenreader-friendlier version is here)


Recently discovered excerpts from the Very Secret Diary of conservative American talk-show host, Rush Limbaugh.

New vocab word today: BLOVIATE. Useful? Can't see how it applies.

Kathryn says new necklace too cheap, wants better. Still no gratitude for last one. Time to trade in, find wife #5? Hate lawyer harangue, tho. Expensive.

Need show topics for this week. Could do gays, Obama, gay-Obama, gun rights, Muslims.

Seems stale... Might get out dartboard, let it decide.

Want Sunday pot roast! Kathryn vetoed for salad. All Obama's fault.

Dworkin talking constitutional law again. Stupid college grads, think they know everything. Harvard Law ones the worst. Plot?

Traitor Olson still defending gay marriage in Cali. Reagan prob. spinning in grave.

Asked Kathryn to arrange romantic dinner tonight. Need some action! Says charity event already scheduled. Peeved. Wives 1-3 never put out after marriage either. Scheming bimbos…

Debunked global warming again. Hope Al Gore dies on ice floe.

Stupid-hot today, tho. Everyone restless. Might take the Mercedes to DQ drive-thru later, run air-conditioning in parking lot.

Saw Michael J. Fox on talk-show. Still think he was faking twitches/shakes on Stem Cell ads. From Canada, so suspect anyway. Truth hurts, McFly!

Note: Tea Party quiet, needs firing up. Move Federal Pork discussion to tomorrow.

Want ice cream! Pants too tight, tho—no time this week to buy new. Still, want it.

Mrs. Usurper-In-Chief would not approve. Might get her attention? Good/bad. Hate the pretty ones, hate dilemmas! Glad Hillary's old. Palin's still ours, dumb but hot. Perfect.

Feminazis still carping about Sandra Fluke thing. Position still justified, tho. Want taxpayer funding for sex life? Move to Sweden.

Note: Check Viagra supply. Think wife stealing it. Why?

Whole afternoon dragging, freezer still empty. Tax rants not distracting enough.

4 p.m., sent maid out for ice cream. And pants.

Saw new doctor today, female. Obv. incompetent. Switch later.

Said Bellicosity reading off chart, even for Cauc. Male. Point? Not sure. See if can get medicine for it.

Hate Obama-bitch again today. Comes/goes. Still black. Saw curves on magazine cover, called her fat on show again. Too soon to blast daughters? Still remember Chelsea Clinton fallout…

Oxy issues coming back. Held off long enough to tape show today, special topic on "Freeloading Crack-Whore Sluts". Genius performance, v. popular! Audience loved it!

Too bad most of them men. Need more babes…

Night: lost rest of day to Oxy, going to bed. Big event tomorrow, must pull self together.

Kathryn still not home. Check credit card later.

Nearly mobbed by illegals at rally today. Tons of American flags—confused? Irony? Can't tell.

Called 'Pig' and 'Fathead' by crowd again. Why so many Mexicans know those words? Maybe Mexican for something else?

Hate immigrants—always whining about money and jobs. Want money? Buy stock. And stop having babies.

Note: renew porn channel subscription.

Pot roast tomorrow! Wish football would start. Olympics coming, but no good sports. Need more cable.

Topics for next week: welfare parasites? National debt? More Obama-bashing, obv., or Romney's doomed in November.

Kathryn asked for copy of life-insurance policy. V. suspicious. Why now?

New week, new vocab word: APOPLECTIC. Useless, can hardly even say it.

Who picks these words anyway, Bill Clinton?

If you enjoyed this story, you can vote for it along with many other fine entries here.

Notes: Some phrases above contain reference links, via mouse-hover. Rush Limbaugh is a well-known syndicated radio talk-show host in the United States. He has a large following among conservatives, and is widely considered by moderates and liberals to be offensive to women, minorities, and the poor. He has embodied the essence of divisive politics for many decades now.

Terminology/Cast of Characters:
Kathryn: Limbaugh's 4th (and current) wife.
Olson: Theodore Olson, U.S. Assistant Attorney General under Ronald Reagan, and Solicitor General under George W. Bush.
DQ: Dairy Queen, a U.S. fast-food chain known for ice cream treats and hamburgers.
Oxy: OxyContin. Limbaugh was addicted to this and to hydrocodone (both painkillers) for several years, while publicly criticizing how white drug users went unpunished.

cindytsuki_no_bara on June 25th, 2012 05:55 pm (UTC)
i love his vocab words. and "sent maid out for ice cream. and pants." cracked me up.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 07:05 pm (UTC)
That first vocab word and the sentences after came to me immediately, and the whole ice cream/pants thing too! Both the pesonal and the private sides of the "Very Secret Diary" format. Tried to find a good reference for that, but seems to be centered around the original author at LJ.

Boy, this required FAR more research than I expected. Why is satire so much work?!? And in this case, the research just made me feel slimy. Ugh.

But at the same time... if anyone deserves this kind of lampooning, it's Limbaugh.

Thanks for braving the warning!
Lose 10 Pounds of Ugly Fat...  Cut Off Your Head.n3m3sis42 on June 25th, 2012 06:52 pm (UTC)
This was a creative take on the topic! :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 07:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

I didn't really want to write an argument, and I had a few other personal non-fiction stories I could have forced for the prompt... but I'd rather tell them in a different setting.

Given that "polemic" can be a person who promotes polemics... wow. Limbaugh just comes right to mind, doesn't he? :0
Kristenpixiebelle on June 25th, 2012 07:14 pm (UTC)
The whole bit about Sarah Palin being dumb, but hot, was almost a similar theme for me this week. As was sexist talk show hosts (though not of the political sort, just how regular DJ's talk about women in general). I liked that part a lot and even though I didn't get to address it, I'm glad to see it represented.

Funny entry, nicely done :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 07:31 pm (UTC)
not of the political sort, just how regular DJ's talk about women in general

Gah. Yes, it's as if knowing that women are not the "target audience" gives DJs license to be ultra-offensive because they know women are a lost cause, anyway. So why not appeal to the Angry White Man contingent all the more? Which is also Howard Stern's approach, from the other side of the political aisle.

Glad you enjoyed this!

Hey, did you show Java where the rest of that comment thread went? It's probably not every day that he gets prominently featured in drive-by crack. ;)

(no subject) - pixiebelle on June 25th, 2012 07:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 07:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pixiebelle on June 25th, 2012 08:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 07:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

The research was horrific-- that took forever-- though it unearthed forgotten tidbits like the assault on Chelsea Clinton when her father became president (still unbelievably wrong), or discovering that Limbaugh has cast aspersions on Michelle Obama's weight at least twice.

The rest was actually worse than you might imagine. :0

I'm still amused that gay, Obama, and gay-Obama are three potentially different and workable topics for him. No truth necessary in working up the populace!

(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 09:55 pm (UTC)
So glad you liked it!

Money and notoriety (or "fame") aside, I just can't conceive how someone chooses to make his living being a professional asshole. His whole goal is to make people angry, and to validate their anger.

He really is a caricature of a Republican
He is, "caricature" being the operative word. He spends a lot of time fomenting the Tea Party, who seem to be an even more disgruntled group of Republicans. Hey, the Republican party still includes moderate-minded people, and apparently that's an anathema to the (current) national movement.

I'm sure Limbaugh adored Reagan, but I suspect Reagan wouldn't pass his litmus test today any more than he'd pass the current party's test. :0
whipchickwhipchick on June 25th, 2012 10:41 pm (UTC)
"4 p.m., sent maid out for ice cream. And pants." Haha!!

You know what I really liked about this? The line "Kathryn still not home. Check credit card later." suddenly felt very sad, and cast a whole new aspect on this piece, and on RL - I love how this is funny, and clearly the man is filled with hatred, but you draw attention to how much self-loathing must be in him, too.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 25th, 2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
I'm glad everyone likes that line. That phrase was what tempted me to go forward with the satire as an idea rather than something else. Well, that and how very tempting I find all things crack.

Reading the Wikipedia entry on Limbaugh, I also hadn't realized that he not only never got a college degree, he washed out in the first year. Badly. His tendency to mock well-educated people suddenly has an entirely new context, and having a president who is black, well-educated, a lawyer, and smarter than him must be self-inflammatory for him.

But I'm glad you noticed the sadness in that other line. To have all that wealth, and know that you're physically unattractive and on wife #4... that can't feel good.

Kind of summarizes everything people say about most bullies, doesn't it?

Edited at 2012-06-25 10:54 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - whipchick on June 27th, 2012 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 27th, 2012 11:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
A Sentient Being: Fairyalien_infinity on June 26th, 2012 01:58 am (UTC)
I agree with n3m3sis42; this was a creative take on the prompt! ^_^
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 02:44 am (UTC)
Thank you! It's not fully crack, but at the same time...that's where my creative interests wanted to go.

Lampoon! Repeatedly! :D
notodettenotodette on June 26th, 2012 02:37 am (UTC)
This is amazing. This is utterly amazing. I laughed my ass off.

And pants.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 02:45 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! I am SO glad to hear that.

And appreciate the side-comment about the pants, too. :D
java_fiendjava_fiend on June 26th, 2012 03:31 am (UTC)
That sound you just heard? That was me squealing with laughter. Hysterical. I totally loved this... though it actually reads like something from his personal diary. Do I smell plagiarism afoot???

Awesome job. Too funny.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 03:36 am (UTC)

I didn't actually realize that the "Very Secret Diary" format was something launched by a fanfic author here at LiveJournal. I thought it had a broader reputation (I was going to link a reference), but apparently not.

I just couldn't resist it for this prompt, especially for the chance at behind-the-scenes thoughts and the funnier and more random things like the ice cream obsession.

Happy to give you a laugh! That's its own reward. :)
the_day_setupthe_day_setup on June 26th, 2012 04:41 pm (UTC)
You had me until the pants-size crack. I'm a fatty too, but just because you're fat doesn't mean you're a disgusting, Oxy-addicted, woman-hating, lying, rube-inciting, reactionary dung stain on the face of the nation's airwaves.

All the rest was great, though. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 05:40 pm (UTC)
Lots of people are overweight, but few use their media fora (can't believe I'm typing that) to hound other people about their weight as if the standards are different when you're famous. Well, famous and NOT you, obv., because most of the people he targets are ALSO famous. ;)

Really, so much of it is about the hypocrisy. The Oxy-addiction coupled with ranting against other people who are addicted in much the same way? Priceless.

Excellence in adjectives! \o/ I think that describes his goals very well, actually.

Hope this wasn't too offensive. It's such a fine line with satire.

m_malcontentm_malcontent on June 26th, 2012 07:34 pm (UTC)
Hey I am a big, fat-fat-fatty (300 plus)....but yeah Rush blasting other people for their weight pretty much makes his fair game.

Also, Dr. Phil shouldn't get to put out a diet book. (Well he can do as he likes..but I can't imagine why anyone would buy it...maybe he could call it the "Look just good enough that people don't wonder why you aren't on Biggest Loser already" diet.

Not that I am a big diet fan anyway (but that is a separate rant entirely)

Limbaugh is a smouldering turd, but as long as there are people who want to blame every other group for their misery and advertisers willing to shell out $...he will be there...

He's like a wood cockroach...he can crawl in the door when the exterminators open it to leave. Impossible to be rid of.

Edited at 2012-06-26 07:36 pm (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 07:54 pm (UTC)
Also, Dr. Phil shouldn't get to put out a diet book. (Well he can do as he likes..but I can't imagine why anyone would buy it...)

Actually, from what I remember (years back, when I actually saw the show), Dr. Phil is more of a "How not to be obese" person rather than a "Why aren't you model-worthy!!!" kind of person. Fit enough and healthy enough, as opposed to the really prevalent "Anything less than perfect is failure" kind of thinking. Which I appreciate, not that I apply it to my own iternal self-torturing voice. The part about his son being in the diet book business, though, and the crossover there? Highly suspect. :0

Impossible to be rid of.
Thinking about this whole entry, he's very much a hate-monger. He's in the business of making people angry, which keeps his ratings up and preserves his (ungodly level of) influence. But for the most part, he is FOR very little as opposed to being AGAINST a lot of things. Not "for" Romney, as much as "anti-Obama", say, and that really summarizes much of his approach to everything.

Thanks for reading and adding your own thoughts to the discussion!
devon99 on June 26th, 2012 08:35 pm (UTC)
I get the satire of this if not really the content. I think perhaps you have to be Americanto really get this. I don't know who this guy is thank goodness, but i can't even think of anyone over here that he would be comparable to. Anyone as obnoxious as this guy seems to be would not be allowed on the radio.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 26th, 2012 09:02 pm (UTC)
Anyone as obnoxious as this guy seems to be would not be allowed on the radio.

Boy, wouldn't that be nice!

Someone who did a quick read-through pointed me to a little history about this guy's show. It started at a station here in my current town, and at some point the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) dropped the "Equal Time" doctrine. For years, that doctrine required that free airtime be offered to opposing viewpoints. You know-- for balance and some semblance of fairness.

Once that doctrine was abandoned, guys like this were allowed to just get uglier and uglier with no real fear of reprisal or counterbalance. So long as the show got ratings (and the station had no ethics) it was alll good.

The link from the friend also showed that for most small-medium broadcast markets, Limbaugh's show is given to stations for free. He pockets the advertising $$ that come in for his show, and the stations get 3 hours of free programming that draws a largish audience.

It's insidious to me that the financial/ratings motivation is enough for so many stations to air this show, but then the sad truth is that some portion of them don't entirely disagree with what he says, either. Ugh.

Glad the satire still came across, independent of much of the specific content!
fourzoasfourzoas on June 27th, 2012 12:18 am (UTC)
That was fun and close to what I imagine would be accurate.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 27th, 2012 12:26 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Some of it's kind of scary, and other parts... I hope the difference between his reality-filter and how the reader interprets those same things is clear enough.
beldarzfixonbeldarzfixon on June 27th, 2012 03:05 am (UTC)
El Rushbo seems like too easy a target, but you did this well and creatively.

Hate that he succeeded so spectacularly in the Fluke affair, completely reframed the issue and argument from testimony on the non-sexual medical uses of birth control to kvetching over women's sex lives. It dinged him in the short term, but he's already recovering.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 27th, 2012 03:42 am (UTC)
Easy? Easy!!

Well, he does pretty much embody the spirit of the word (you'd think he'd choke on it). But the researching and writing... boy, one of my backup nonfiction entries would have been much less work.

Though the crack calls to me when it wants. It's very hard to resist.

The Fluke thing was awful enough (over-the-top-bad), but I'm still angry about the Chelsea Clinton swipe. Not only way below the belt, but it bothers me even more that hardly anybody from the right took him to task over it. There are things you just do not do, and insulting a child in a national forum because you hate her father is one of them.

(no subject) - beldarzfixon on June 27th, 2012 04:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
medleymistymedleymisty on June 27th, 2012 04:25 am (UTC)
This is absolutely hilarious! :) I was a fan of the VSD back in the day, and you've captured it very well.

Limbaugh, ugh.

Wanna know a secret? When I was 13, I watched a few episodes of his TV show. And I thought he was pretty cool. That was in the early 90s, just maybe about halfway into Clinton's first term, and he was a lot tamer then. Also I was just 13.

I told my mother about it, and she just said "Some people don't like him", letting me make up my own mind, like she always did. It didn't take me long to see what was actually up with him.

I have to admit that the words he uses to describe anyone who isn't a rich white Christian Republican male really remind me of Goebbels. I mean - I read where he called people "walking human debris". It's like the hate radio in Rwanda. It scares the crap out of me that he has such a large audience, that there are so many people out there walking around with such dehumanized views of others. That stuff is dangerous. Really really really dangerous.

So it's good to make fun of him like this, to take the sting out of his words with ridicule.

Edited at 2012-06-27 04:26 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 27th, 2012 06:48 am (UTC)
That was in the early 90s, just maybe about halfway into Clinton's first term, and he was a lot tamer then.
I think you must have missed his Chelsea insult then, because it was right around that time!

Maybe his attacks were less vitriolic, and perhaps spaced farther apart back then? He's had a lot of time to get very ugly, because he runs unchecked like a rabid dog.

Kizzy read this over before I finished it, and she noted that his fans consider him very charismatic. That's part of how he keeps his audience.

I like your mother's approach. I'd probably have pointed out exactly why people didn't like him, at least if you were younger. By 13, she probably felt you had a strong moral compass (especially with your kind heart), and that you would put the pieces together on your own.

the words he uses to describe anyone who isn't a rich white Christian Republican male
I wonder how religious he claims to be himself? I didn't actually see a lot of reference to his own faith, and I did look for that a bit, because you cannot possibly hate so many people and foster so much hatred in other people and still be anything remotely Christian.