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04 June 2006 @ 03:09 pm
Prison Break Gen Fanfiction: You're Not Helping...  
Title: You’re Not Helping…
Author: HalfshellVenus
Category: Lincoln and Michael (Gen, Humor)
Rating: PG (Language)
Summary: Lincoln’s POV on another side of Michael. Persistence isn’t always a good thing…
Author’s Notes: Post-Escape, written for the prisonbreak100 challenge (Prompt #90, “Home”). This is a different slant on Michael, but still within the limits of reason.

x-x-x-x-x

When Lincoln opened the door to their rented house, he noticed a funny smell.

He didn’t think much of it at first. It could be anything—including Michael’s cooking. Or something trapped under the house. He was unloading groceries in the kitchen when a sudden snarl of swearwords promptly got his attention.

Michael was in the bathroom, surrounded by wrenches and towels and half of the toilet’s plumbing dumped in a bucket.

“Need a hand?” Lincoln offered. Michael face hardened as he shook his head. “Anything I can do to help?” Lincoln asked again.

Michael’s eyes became steely, his voice deep and flat. “Go away,” he ground out. Lincoln put his hands up in apology and went into the living room.

There was a scarred black-and-white television there, and Lincoln turned it on and flipped through the channels. Everything was in Spanish, and he didn’t understand enough of it yet to follow the dialogue, so he kept the sound low. He found one of those mysterious shows featuring people dressed up as plants and brides and kings. They were weirdly entertaining, and even knowing what was going on wouldn’t have helped much. It was perfect.

He sprawled on the ratty sofa, jiggling his leg and wondering exactly how long ago Michael had taken the toilet apart. Lincoln had been out running errands most of the morning, and… God. He hoped it wasn’t since then. Any time Michael couldn’t fix something right away, things tended to get ugly.

A dull thunk echoed through the wall, followed by “Sonofabitch!” Lincoln got a good-sized piece of meat out of the freezer and carried it to the bathroom. Michael glared accusingly, but accepted it in rigid silence. Lincoln backed out of the room.

As a Freshman in high school, Michael had opened up the back of the range to fix a heating coil. They hadn’t been able to cook anything for a month, and Michael got so increasingly frustrated about it that Lincoln ate at friends’ houses whenever he could. Finally, he woke up one morning to the smell of eggs cooking on the stove.

They never spoke of it.

Michael had gotten very good with electronics over time, and god—the miracles he’d worked at Fox River Prison were amazing. He was incredibly skilled at home repairs in general except for… the occasional incident. And there was nothing like someone else’s ham-fisted installation and a lack of replacement parts to set the stage for disaster.

Lincoln thumbed through a book restlessly as growls spilled out from the hallway. He rolled his eyes. Michael was really locked in a Dance of Death with the plumbing. Aggravation was in the air, and it was wearing on Lincoln’s nerves. He was getting into a sledgehammering mood, which was bad. First, because they didn’t have a sledgehammer. And second, the house was half-falling down anyway.

He was about ready to just disappear for the afternoon—except for the small possibility that Michael might kill himself in there—when an idea formed.

Beer.

He pulled a Modello out of the fridge, and drank half of it in one long swallow. He took a second bottle to Michael.

Michael’s tone was dangerously dry. “Do you really think this will help?”

“I doubt it’ll hurt,” Lincoln admitted. He opened the bottle up and handed it over, then barricaded himself in the bedroom for awhile.

It was dark when he woke up. He moved quietly into the living room and found Michael asleep on the sofa.

The next stop was the bathroom, which looked no better than it had been before. Still, the key part of the job had been accomplished just by getting Michael out of there.

Lincoln closed the door quietly, and picked up the wrench.

Sometimes the right tool for the job was far less important than who exactly was holding the damn thing. Lincoln might not have any better luck with fixing that lousy, half-assed excuse for a bathroom fixture. But he had way more experience with crappy workmanship than Michael did. And he definitely had the advantage of lower expectations…


-------- FIN --------
 
 
 
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on June 4th, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
Hee. Cute.

For some reason, Lincoln (that's Wentworth, right?) in a "sledehammering mood" amuses me.

*thumbs up*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Bladehalfshellvenus on June 4th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC)
It's the other one! (check the icon for another role with this actor in it). Lincoln is the bigger, beefier one is who sometimes (unfortunately) written on the show as Linc!Smash. Linc can be long-suffering, or very short-tempered depending on his mood.

And god, I SO know what being in a "sledgehammering mood" feels like. ;)

Oh, and? U R F1R5T 0N{E A6A1N! :D
(no subject) - acostilow on June 4th, 2006 11:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 01:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
Are we back to hos over bros?lissa_bear on June 4th, 2006 11:11 pm (UTC)
Heh, nice! The image of Lincoln getting progressively more irritated as the bathroom job progresses (or fails to) is cute.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: DominicSexyhalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 01:52 am (UTC)
The image of Lincoln getting progressively more irritated as the bathroom job progresses (or fails to) is cute.
There's nothing like a Type-A personality getting completely obsessed over something and NOT having it succeed. And when you have to overhear it or be around it... Run, Lincoln! Run!
(no subject) - lissa_bear on June 5th, 2006 01:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 02:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
uponplains on June 4th, 2006 11:29 pm (UTC)
That's so cute and hilarious. I can just see Michael like obsessing over the bathroom and Lincoln being exasperated. And in a "sledgehammering mood" haha that's great. Nice job!
I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable womenmissyjack on June 5th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Love it. Michael over-think things? be obsessive? treat fixing the loo as life and death? Yup, that's our boy.
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 01:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - missyjack on June 5th, 2006 03:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 05:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 01:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
michelle: Michael and Lincoln 2certainthings on June 5th, 2006 01:31 am (UTC)
*pounces on this fic and devours it*

*burp*

Yeah. Afterward they had hot gay sex, right? :p

And I liked Michael all GRRSMASH! And Lincoln just letting him be.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 02:07 am (UTC)
*burp*
See? And now you're hungry again, and it isn't even an hour later!

Slow down and chew your fics, Smidgy! ;)

And I liked Michael all GRRSMASH! And Lincoln just letting him be.
:D You know Michael totally has that capacity, partly because he cannnot Let Go of things-- even when he needs to walk away for a moment. :0
(no subject) - certainthings on June 5th, 2006 05:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
 Late Night Drops of Random: Yeah Sure..Blow Me.moondropz on June 5th, 2006 02:30 am (UTC)
This was great-nice getting the POV from Linc-and ever growing more frustrated Michael. Have to say it made me laugh, thanks!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 05:16 am (UTC)
Have to say it made me laugh, thanks!
:D Yay! That was definitely the goal. :)

Thank you!
(no subject) - moondropz on June 5th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
canadian_kazz: tearcreek Michaelcanadian_kazz on June 5th, 2006 03:34 am (UTC)
Cool fic. Quite amusing. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: wetMichaelhalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 05:17 am (UTC)
Thank you. :) That intenseMichael fits perfectly with his whole downfall in this story. *whispers* Michael... Let it go...
i'm chris, not dustin (bella): Prison Break - Didn't MEAN to...accrues on June 5th, 2006 04:14 am (UTC)
Ah, couldn't stop laughing. Even the cut made me giggle.

A dull thunk echoed through the wall, followed by “Sonofabitch!”
*giggles to the point of tears* that's our Michael!

the miracles he’d worked at Fox River Prison were amazing
True. I was watching the Rat and was thinking about how many times he may have seen that happen before (the rat in the wires) So he's not completely useless. (Oh and pipe!burst in End of the Tunnel lol)

Ah, never gives up, does he? Once he gets a plan in his head it's all for it or not at all. And the not at all doesn't happen all that often.

Just brilliant. I now have to go back and read it again to laugh again ;)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: wetMichaelhalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 05:21 am (UTC)
So he's not completely useless. (Oh and pipe!burst in End of the Tunnel lol)
Far from it, and that's what made me work to sell him as not always having it go the way he wants.

But I've definitely seen this in action. The crappier the original state/materials of the thing to be fixed, the more the "purist" (helloooo Michael) tends to get frustrated and come unglued. :0

And the not at all doesn't happen all that often.
Which, ironically, feeds right back into that tenacious compulsion. Because usually it CAN be made to work. So the person becomes convinced that if they just keep banging away at it, they will get it eventually. Gah!

Just brilliant. I now have to go back and read it again to laugh again ;)
Thank you so much, tearcreek! I'm so glad you found it to be everything I'd intended. :D
(no subject) - accrues on June 5th, 2006 05:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - accrues on June 6th, 2006 02:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - accrues on June 6th, 2006 06:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 06:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - accrues on June 6th, 2006 09:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
BEWARE OF JENMAR.: PB - The Brothers Gen - Linc and Michaelclex_monkie89 on June 5th, 2006 09:42 am (UTC)
This was awesome and I loved it! Love Michael getting all butt-hurt when the plumbing didn't go his own way. I'd say something more about Lincoln knowing what to do or the broken stove from before but it's 0241 right now and I'm surprised I'm coherent enought to even leave this.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
:D Thank you Clex!

Genius with the well-made does not always cross over to genius with the shoddy, hacked-together piece of garbage that sometimes cannot actually be repaired, as I have learned to my sorrow.

I'm sure we all know a math whiz or computer genius who cannot COPE with recipes-- as if they are a giant, random mystery. Or my dad, the doctor, who cannot program a VCR. :0

0241... you're trying to kick the sleeping pills again? Cuz it doesn't seem to be working out so well! :(
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on June 5th, 2006 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on June 6th, 2006 04:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Good, The Bad and The Lana: brothers jail crawfishthelana on June 5th, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
He found one of those mysterious shows featuring people dressed up as plants and brides and kings. They were weirdly entertaining, and even knowing what was going on wouldn’t have helped much. It was perfect.

This? Cracked me up badly.

Loved the little "They never spoke of it again" story Lincoln mentions. Love him using beer to finally get Michael out of there. So many great little moments I can just see (like Lincoln raising his hand and backing out of the bathroom). Loved the two ending sentences.

and afterwards somebody should have victory sex in the fixed bathroom
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on June 5th, 2006 07:40 pm (UTC)
This? Cracked me up badly.
What's odd is... why has no-one else noticed this? And sadly, it is NOT a joke. On one of our local Spanish-language TV channels here, the rotation is OverdoneSoapOperaWithThickMakeup or FreakyWTF_treeSuit_stubbledFairyGodmother_WTF??? They are just bizarre, and I've never known why they're popular. Maybe it's the TV version of CrackFic.

<>Loved the little "They never spoke of it again" story Lincoln mentions. </i>
God, given that Michael's ready to take Lincoln's head off here if he shows his face in that bathroom one more time, I can bet they never spoke of it. Something in the nature of perfectionists and meticulous people tends to make them hate having their failure known. Or even their struggles be known.

There is no sex for you! You hate the non-angsty sex! Plus, it doesn't work in the Gen setting all that well. :0 I think Smidgy's going to tie my to the keyboard soon though if I don't kick out an M/L slash soon...
(no subject) - thelana on June 5th, 2006 07:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
miss_mazzie on June 6th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
LOL! I loved it! Funny thing is I once moved into a place that had a leak on the water valve to the toilet. The previous user/owner had put th teflon pipe tape around the joint - not on the threads, but around the joint. So when I tried to fix it, the whole damn thing was rusted and broke *before* the water got turned off. Ack! It was a giant mess. The thing that killed me was that the toilet wasn't leaking at the time, but because it wasn't fixed "correctly", I couldn't just leave it alone. Anywho, nice characterizations of both Linc and Mike. Thanks!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:32 am (UTC)
The thing that killed me was that the toilet wasn't leaking at the time, but because it wasn't fixed "correctly", I couldn't just leave it alone.
Bwah-ha-ha! I think Michael has met his match. :0 I'll be over here hiding the tools...

Glad you liked it, miss_mazzie!
(no subject) - miss_mazzie on June 6th, 2006 01:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
miss_mazzie on June 6th, 2006 12:14 am (UTC)
Oh, I forgot to say that the last line was too great!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
:D I can see you have some personal experience with this area!

As do I. Both from the Michael AND Lincoln side. :0
Da'mien: Katedecayd_matter on June 6th, 2006 12:31 pm (UTC)
xD Cute fic!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
:D Thank you! Nice Sara icon, too, BTW. Black and white-- always a classic.
(no subject) - decayd_matter on June 6th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 6th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - decayd_matter on June 6th, 2006 06:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - decayd_matter on June 8th, 2006 06:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on June 8th, 2006 04:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - decayd_matter on June 8th, 2006 06:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Maz (or foxxy!)tuesdaeschild on June 7th, 2006 11:11 am (UTC)
Michael was really locked in a Dance of Death with the plumbing
Oh, that line really did me in!!

Refreshingly amusing in a quiet, gentle way, sweetheart. Absolutely lovely!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on June 8th, 2006 12:26 am (UTC)
Oh, that line really did me in!!
:D I'm glad someone noticed that line. It just has "obsession" written all over it!

Glad you liked it. :) Sometimes, humor just hits the spot, at least for me!
(no subject) - tuesdaeschild on June 10th, 2006 10:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
mercurybard on June 9th, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
Very, very cute. And I like Linc's logic for why he should take a shot at it:

But he had way more experience with crappy workmanship than Michael did. And he definitely had the advantage of lower expectations…

::thumbs up::
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: MichaelInBarshalfshellvenus on June 9th, 2006 03:35 pm (UTC)
And I like Linc's logic for why he should take a shot at it.
:D It's odd how, occasionally, a logical and perfectionistic person can just be stymied by trying to decipher junk. It's as if they can't ever get over being mad that the design/workmanship is crap!

So glad you liked this one. Thank you! :)
tyrical: PB_brotherstyrical on July 21st, 2006 05:14 pm (UTC)
And he definitely had the advantage of lower expectations.

I really liked this line. That and stubborn Michael. Gotta love it.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on July 22nd, 2006 06:52 am (UTC)
Stubborn Michael was so much fun to write. I have just... run into that kind of type-A person in that sort of situation far too often.

My brother and his wife are both Type-As and compulsive, and when they had a new home built they installed a self-adhering hardwood floor themselves. Together. Apparently, they were thisClose to divorcing afterward. :0