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01 January 2011 @ 02:38 pm
Harvard/MIT Fiction: "Scandal On Brookline Street) (rivaly, hatesex, PG-13)  
Title: Scandal on Brookline Street
Fandom: Academic Institutions (Anthropomorphic)
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Harvard/MIT (rivalry, hatesex)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Prestige alone cannot conquer the beast that is envy.
Author's Notes: This might be the most insane thing I've written yet, but laura47 listed it as her number 1 choice for yuletide, and she seemed so awesome that I couldn't resist trying.


MIT had a river view.

The Institute was full of computer geeks and gearheads—many of them on scholarships—but still, it had a view.

Harvard sat in its landscaped glory on Brattle Street and thought evil thoughts about how nice it would be to watch boats passing by, or to see gulls wheeling across the sky. MIT probably filled its head with calculus equations and binary-search algorithms, never even noticing or appreciating what lay right in front of it.

Harvard tried to conjure up enthusiasm for the narrow trickle of the Charles River that so inconveniently lapped across its midsection, but it wasn't the same. Hmph.

This early in the school year, autumn had hardly begun. There were no fall colors to paint the campus, no skitter-scatter of leaves along the pathways. Harvard fumed in frustration, restless with boredom and the knowledge that MIT had year-round entertainment. It combed through its classrooms, gathering poetry until it had a giant, murmuring cloud of it. Then it lobbed the entire mass toward MIT, where it could briefly hover before drifting down to engulf the Institute in a tangle of unrelenting words. Hah!

Harvard felt very satisfied with itself for the remainder of the afternoon, which abruptly became night when the heavens suddenly darkened overhead. A hail of nasty, stinging mathematical symbols fell out of the sky, pockmarking the rooftops and the campus' eastern facades. Harvard winced as a particularly energetic velocity vector chipped off a tiny piece of the Memorial Church spire.

The nerve, Harvard seethed. It was not about to take that lying down.

Harvard needed only seconds to collect the contents of its Law School and fling them at MIT in retaliation. Arguments, briefs, precedential findings, and obfuscations would surround the Institute in an obnoxious, smothering fog that it would be hard-pressed to fight its way out of anytime soon.

As it happened, "soon" came about an hour later. That was when Harvard found itself under an onslaught of recursive parallel-programming operations that made its head spin.

It was historic and it was revered, but Harvard was not especially patient. It stood up and marched down Green Street with the sole mission of kicking MIT in its posterior.

Just past Brookline, a hulking form approached from the other direction. Harvard dipped a shoulder and rushed forward, with the strength of decades of experienced right-tackles and nose guards behind it.

MIT hopped to the side and stuck out a foot at the last second, cruelly tripping Harvard and sending it tumbling to the ground. Harvard snagged MIT's leg with its ankle, and brought it down with a crash. The two of them rolled across nearby buildings and avenues with a furious disregard for the consequences.

Suddenly face-to-face, Harvard caught sight of the Great Dome and felt a surge of something like longing. It softened its hold on MIT for just a moment, and was shocked to find itself being kissed with all the power of MIT's on-campus nuclear reactor.

The two august institutions grasped and groped each other frantically, and Harvard was utterly unhinged by MIT's astounding levels of sheer, calculated technique. Before either of them could stop it, they were caught up in a whirlwind of passion that surpassed all hope of sensible behavior. The aftermath left Harvard debauched and breathless while MIT scowled and refastened its pants.

Neither said a word. They turned their backs on one another and returned to their respective locations.

Harvard wasn't put out that MIT never called, because it had no intention of sullying itself that way again.

It hadn't forgotten, though, what it had been like getting caught up in that shameless encounter on the streets of Cambridge.

Sometimes, on the most dull and dreary days, Harvard even thought about how MIT might react to a visit from its Department of Bio-Engineering…

-------- fin --------

cindy: jared laughingtsuki_no_bara on January 3rd, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)


i lost it with "mit scowled and refastened its pants" but i have no idea why that line in particular made me laugh so hard.... i love the flinging of poetry and math and law briefs, and harvard charging mit like an offensive lineman.

i don't know who's more batshit - laura47 for requesting this or you for writing it, but i liked it A LOT.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on January 4th, 2011 01:18 am (UTC)

I was pondering all the past weirdness I've written, and finally decided that this was the New Mecca of Weird-- even more than Prison Break Meets Godzilla, or the Wincest Pirate thingy.

Poor Harvard! All that football experience didn't prepare it for the oldest, non-athletic trick in the hand-to-hand combat book, did it?

And while MIT may totally lack grace or a sense of humor, well... Harvard started it. So there.

laura47 at least went to one of those two schools in Boston, so her request probably makes more sense than my decision to write it. :0 But her yuletide request was so awesome, I just couldn't resist trying. Thank you MapQuest and Wikipedia! You saved my bacon!
Celtic_Forestceltic_forest on January 4th, 2011 08:20 am (UTC)
Speechlessness is a rectangle. An unblemished comment-box-sized rectangle.
Just FYI
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on January 4th, 2011 05:57 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! If only LJ would let you post that. ;)
sistabrosistabro on January 4th, 2011 04:41 pm (UTC)

This is hilarious, probably even more so for folks who either attended or live in that area. So weird, and yet, oddly, it works :DDD
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on January 4th, 2011 06:00 pm (UTC)
I imagine it's even better in context, which I don't have at all!

But if you lived in the area, or went to one of the two schools... I can see that rivalry possibly being in the air much of the time. Who knew it could get so personal? :D
(Anonymous) on June 20th, 2016 03:43 pm (UTC)
Baffled and entertained
...I'm not sure what I expected to find when my dormmates sent me a link to Harvard/MIT slash fic.... I guess I expected, idk, people? Personifications? Instead I'm now left grappling with imagining how exactly two collections of buildings have sex. I will never look at the dome the same way again. I think building 66 might be a penis.

This goes very well with the whole "the reason MIT's buildings are so weird is that they can actually stand up and form a giant robot" conspiracy theory, though
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Random Fandomhalfshellvenus on June 20th, 2016 05:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Baffled and entertained
I never would have written this except that it was requested for Yuletide, with pretty much exactly what it is: Harvard/MIT hate-sex, as anthropomorphic institutions. Which was surprisingly workable, somehow!

I have never heard the giant robot theory, which just makes the whole concept all the more excellent.

Thanks for reading and commenting, and I'm glad you found it amusing. :D