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30 April 2006 @ 07:06 pm
Supernatural Fanfiction: Footprints Swept Away In The Wind  
Title: Footprints Swept Away In The Wind (or, 5 First Times)
Author: HalfshellVenus
Category: Sam/Dean (Wincest)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In the tradition of 5 Things… these are five first times that didn’t happen told as real.
Author’s Notes: This story, based around the Five Senses, originated in an idea from the “Stories I Never Wrote You” Game. The original ficlet here was suggested by lissa_bear, and is its own story wholly separate from this one. But the theme was so intriguing I saved it to re-use.

x-x-x-x-x

~ Sight ~

It was a close thing this time— and very nearly the end for Sam.

The ride back to the motel is silent, strained. Sam thinks it’s almost worse that Dean isn’t yelling at him. He heads into the bathroom immediately, taking refuge behind the barrier of that door. When he’s cleaned up— and ready to deal with the fallout— he comes out to an empty motel room. It’s unsettling.

He opens the door to the parking lot quietly, carefully. Dean is outside in the moonlight, no doubt beating himself up more than usual. When Sam comes upon him and sees the brightness in Dean’s eyes, he forces his way in—muscling through Dean’s protests and desperate attempts not to need him. Dean’s single tear is both of their undoing, and Sam’s kiss bestows forgiveness and acknowledgement and want.

Dean shivers under the presence of Sam’s love, shattered by the reflection of his driven-down needs coming back to haunt him. Sam both destroys him and resurrects him in the span of a single night, and Dean wakes to Sam’s hand upon his chest that says he is neither forgotten nor about to be released.


~ Touch ~

It is one of those bad nights when they sleep in the car— the kind where they tell themselves they’ll just pull over for awhile, but then they never make it back onto the road again.

Sam awakens to the steering wheel in his shoulder and Dean’s heart under his ears. He must have leaned and slid in his sleep until he pushed Dean into the corner, and here he is hogging what little front seat they’ve got.

The steady beat against him is soothing, almost mesmerizing, and it takes Sam a moment to notice Dean’s arms holding him like he’s welcome to just take all of what Dean has. It comes to Sam in that moment that… he is, and that he always has been. Dean gives everything away that matters, and refuses to take anything for himself that is not couched in jokes or pranks or digs.

Dean holds Sam like he belongs here, like they belong Yin and Yang, Sun and Moon, together. In the quiet space inside Dean’s arms, Sam can see now how true that all is. All these years he was running away to get to Normal, he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.

Sam tries to move Dean into a more comfortable position, shifting Dean’s head and burrowing back in.

“You okay?” Dean mumbles, and Sam kisses his chest in answer. “I’m fine,” he says hoarsely, as Dean’s hand moves up to stroke the waves in Sam’s hair.

Sam’s eyes close. This could be the beginning of anything, or of nothing, but he’s done running and scarring-over and just taking. Whatever might come of this, he’ll embrace it of his own choosing. And he’ll follow it wherever Dean needs him to.


~ Sound ~

Sam is miles— miles— into his mistake, stuck in a terminal waiting for the next bus. Talking to Dean on the phone (and he doesn’t remember which of them called the other), the words and the sounds he’s hearing don’t quite make sense.

Go, Dean says. Do what you have to do. I’ll always be proud of you.

But the sound of Dean’s voice says something else entirely. I knew this would happen… You left again. And I’m breaking to pieces here alone. But I’ll help you do what you have to, even if it kills me. Even knowing that what I want has never mattered to anyone but me.

Dean’s words say I’ll see you soon, but the choked-out pain in them just says Goodbye.

Sam can hear the difference, the finality of the underlying message. Suddenly, being right is less important than having left Dean to fight his opponent alone. Sam’s about-face is every bit as rapid as that angry departure was, and he can’t get back fast enough. He could kill himself when he sees that he’s almost too late.

Leaving again— to get that stolen car back— he wonders if Dean can trust him to be at the back-end bus station the same way he trusts Dean to meet him there.

He thinks about it the entire drive there, about the uncertainty that defines their lives and about the constancy of each other being the only ammunition against it.

When Dean arrives, Sam tries to tell him everything Dean needs to hear. Dean’s face is still and sad… and then he ass-hooks the whole moment with his usual sarcasm. Sam pushes that fake hug away, lets Dean play his game over to the car.

They climb inside, close the doors, and then Sam is done with pandering to Dean’s false dignity.

He pulls Dean over, crushes him to his chest, but Dean stiffens and pushes back. Dean will not give in to a promise too often broken.

But they are warriors cut from the same cloth, and Sam has always been the more stubborn of the two of them. He brings the big guns to bear, arms steel-band tight around Dean as he kisses him fiercely, nakedly. In his embrace, under his mouth, Sam feels Dean’s shock become But— become broken. He kisses Dean into tears, until Dean is laid bare before him and Sam’s meaning has finally reached his heart.

Sam’s lips on Dean’s face and mouth say I’m sorry. And Dean’s eyes, looking back at him so openly— so seriously— say I know.


~ Taste ~

The murky light in the motel room makes Sam’s eyes feel like they’re bleeding. He’d been looking at the computer for hours while Dean shifted from guns to knives to maps with attentive, loving hands.

Finally, Dean’s restless energy had no place to focus, and he’d left to get some air. That seems like a long time ago, now that Sam has risen out of his research-fog. The sun is low in the sky, slanting across the dust motes drifting through the room’s still air. The world is quiet outside, this town forgotten, and Sam wonders when Dean is coming back. He looks down at the screen again, opening an archive of ancient Celtic myths. “Blodeuwedd” catches his eye, and he falls into the merciless half-romantic tale of the spell-spun maiden turned into an owl for her unfaithful heart.

He hardly notices the door opening behind him, and the arm curving around him with an offering catches him by surprise.

It’s a soft-serve vanilla-orange swirl cone— the kind Sam hasn’t seen since they were kids and would pass through the East Coast on their travels. He takes it, licking a circle around the creamsicle-flavored top, and looks up at Dean with the smile of a 6-year-old given his favorite treat. The taste brings back everything— sunlit sidewalks and picnic tables sandwiched between being locked in the car or left at the hotel with Dean. Sam remembers that feeling of liberation when he was out in the open air— where the rest of life, it seemed, was always happening to everyone else.

In his worst memories, there are flames and fear and loud noises and blood. There are dark things with fangs and dead things with living eyes.

In his best memories, there is Dean. Beside him when Sam needed him, solid against childhood nightmares and the uncertainty of nowhere being home. Dean would laugh at Sam’s silliness away from their father’s disapproving eyes, and help him practice in private the things Sam could never learn under pressure. Dean remembered to make Sam feel special, and listened on the days Sam cried.

Sam yanks out a chair, pulls Dean down into it while the other hand offers him a much-deserved taste. Dean leans forward, steadies Sam’s hand with his own while nibbling, swirling over the ice cream and its cool-sweet tangy-soft flavor. His surprised smile catches at Sam’s heart, holding it as Dean goes in for another lick. A loose feeling of giddiness has Sam alternating turns with Dean, getting closer and more reckless until his tongue collides with the corner of Dean’s mouth.

And oh— the skin there is sandpaper-satin, so different and tempting and forbidden. Dean turns slowly, eyes sparked by interest/shock/surprise.

Sam makes it easy for him, tongue sweeping shamelessly over his upper lip as his eyes watch the pink swell of Dean’s mouth.

That mouth parts slightly, moving closer until it is covering Sam’s. The icy-silk sensation gives way to heat and the flavor of endless summer. Sam sets the ice cream on the table, leaving it to its forgotten fate as he shift-slides into Dean, crawling inside that feeling of remembered happiness that is still here before him, just waiting to be found.


~ Smell ~

It is the end of a drawn-out, thankless day when they finally retire to the motel. Sam is in the room putting things away while Dean brings in the cooler and his base-protection guns, knives, holy water and salt.

Dean closes the door behind him, moving slowly, shoulders hunched. Sam steps over to take part of the load, and leaning in… he stops. It must be raining outside now, because the clean-sweet smell of rain is all over Dean, rising from his wet clothes. The heat of Dean’s chest reaches Sam’s face through Dean’s shirt, and Sam turns toward that warm, soft, living scent reaching out to him. He grabs and sets down the cooler, with Dean just tired and unmoving in the space Sam has blocked him into. When Sam rises up along the length of him, he can see Dean’s weary face. It has a sheen of moisture on the cheeks, and Dean’s lashes and lips are dotted with raindrops. Sam is too worn-out to care that wanting to consume those beads of water on Dean’s mouth does not mean it’s a good idea to actually do it, and he is there— there— before his sensible side even has a chance to speak.



Dean is crowded against the door by Sam’s closeness. He is too exhausted to be in a hurry, and just waits for Sam to get out of the way. Dean’s mind is wandering, catching briefly on unpacking his weapons and going to bed, and then suddenly Sam is leaning in and kissing him before he even knows what’s happening. It—What— Ohhh… Dean stands there frozen, captured by desire. He hardly knows what to call it at first, this inability to move, the way he responds to Sam’s thorough, ardent attention. That slow sweep of Sam’s tongue inside his mouth makes Dean’s knees wobble, and he feels the heat move down his body straight into his groin, where it pools and swells and burns so beautifully strong. Dean’s mouth slides to an angle and he opens it wider, tonguing Sam back and feeling the sharp hitch of Sam’s teeth on the side of his lips.

The arm carrying the weapons pack comes around Sam’s waist. It holds him tight, tighter as the other arm reaches up, fingers aligned on the edge of Sam’s jaw as Dean dives in and loses himself to this surging tide of lust. Sam backs up against the nearest bed as he pulls Dean forward, urging Dean down on top of him as he goes.

Dean follows all too willingly, pushing his burden off to the side so he can focus in on Sam’s clear and unmistakable want. For months, Sam has waited to be absolved of the destiny keeping him here. Now he has shifted finally to seeing what’s right in front of him—his brother who so badly needs and misses him all at once. This change is such a shocking wealth of riches that Dean can barely get a handle on it. He tongue-fucks Sam, rolling up against him, bucking slowly up between Sam’s parted legs. Dean can feel Sam’s reaction, feels his own hardness threatening to break through.

Underneath him— choosing him— is everything Dean ever wanted. Sam is laid out before him, urging Dean closer, stronger. Dean gives himself over to every pushed-down longing he has ever refused to acknowledge, dropping his defenses and just taking everything Sam offers. He has to— needs to—give it, have it, own it all. They curl together, hands and mouths on each other inseparably as they stroke and join and rise and roil in the deepest, sweetest agony of fulfillment. Dean is half in and out of his own body as it unfolds, floating through a haze of unreality. It is all so achingly perfect and unbelievable that he just can’t be sure it’s even happening.

Nothing has ever touched him all the way down inside where his secret self lives.

When it happens, that full-circle completion he has never, ever felt before, Dean finally knows why.

There is no-one else he ever wanted to let that far in.

There is no-one else he’d be willing to let stay.


---------- fin ----------




 
 
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on May 1st, 2006 02:15 am (UTC)
You kill me in the BESTESTESTESTEST ways.

I loved all of them. "Taste" hit me low, "Sound" made me cry, and the others...

I heart your fics.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
*Happy Dance*

Thank you so much, Athena! They're so different in flavor, but they all come back to the same essential equation.

"Scarecrow" still hurts me-- and the canon ending still bothers me. I just can't leave it alone.

This was so much fun to write (except for aborting twice on the "Smell" prompt. The first ficlet was way too frivolous for the tone of the rest of them). I almost posted them up as separate chapters, just to keep them all from running together and losing their impact. Still wonder if I should have.
(no subject) - acostilow on May 1st, 2006 04:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
zortified on May 1st, 2006 02:32 am (UTC)
I think you broke me, especially with 'Touch' and 'Sound'.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:29 am (UTC)
I think you broke me, especially with 'Touch' and 'Sound'.
"Touch" is so peaceful but quietly sad, and "Sound"-- all the parts taken from the episode alone are heartbreaking. I ached for Dean because Sam left, and then I ached for Sam a little at the end because Dean wouldn't let him make it right.

So glad they spoke to you, even in a melancholy way.


the only blowup doll bobblehead on the internet: plaid is suddenly much hotterimpertinence on May 1st, 2006 02:35 am (UTC)
I am too damn dead to give decent feedback...but this was incredibly gorgeous. I loved it.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean slashhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:30 am (UTC)
Thank you! All feedback is good feedback, unless it's psychotic or flaming anti-Wincest. :D
D: sam and dean; minequincykat on May 1st, 2006 02:41 am (UTC)
Um. Mmmhmm. Yup.

Just when I start to think, "eh, maybe Wincest isn't my thing," you pull me back with something like this!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
Just when I start to think, "eh, maybe Wincest isn't my thing," you pull me back with something like this!
:D

It's so hard to resist-- not just the hotness of it, but even moreso the inevitable "rightness" of it in a way that nothing else could ever match-- for Dean at least. I think Sam is and always will be Dean's one true love, and it's a tragedy both that it's true and that Dean doesn't even know it.
Shainalady_shain on May 1st, 2006 02:49 am (UTC)
mmm...reading these was like sitting in a sunbeam...I feel warm, sated and oh, so, content.

Touch & Smell just really got me...and they'll stay with me for a while.

Thank you!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:36 am (UTC)
I feel warm, sated and oh, so, content.
Oh, that wording is wonderful. It's a world where finally... everything turns out all right for both of them, despite the heartache along the way.

Touch & Smell just really got me...and they'll stay with me for a while.
I'm glad to see someone else likes the romance of "Smell" besides me, and really... I'm pretty happy with all of them. I felt rather wistful at the end of each one as I was writing it, as in "How nice it would be if any one of them were true."
(no subject) - lady_shain on May 1st, 2006 11:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
jager_speed on May 1st, 2006 02:54 am (UTC)
yeah.. my heart just about stopped. don't know whether it was warmed to explosion at the crafted intimacy, or the sadness that I dont have that kind of connection in my life. either way, this was art.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:38 am (UTC)
yeah.. my heart just about stopped.
Wow. That makes me happy beyond all measure, truly!

either way, this was art.
Thank so very, very much. ♥
i want to cause a ruckusgeminigrl11 on May 1st, 2006 03:18 am (UTC)
My ever-loving-goodness - those are amazing! Sight and Touch just broke me. Oh, who am I kidding? They all did.


Sam both destroys him and resurrects him in the span of a single night, and Dean wakes to Sam’s hand upon his chest that says he is neither forgotten nor about to be released.

All these years he was running away to get to Normal, he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.

In his best memories, there is Dean.

Utterly fantastic.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:41 am (UTC)
Ohhhhhhhhh-- so glad you liked this.

You picked some of my favorite lines, too, especially
All these years he was running away to get to Normal, he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.

And it's so nice that they all worked for you! It took several weeks to complete all of these-- the first two were so quick, and then the last three took much longer (I rejected a different story for "Smell" altogether that was PWP cute, but just out-of-balance with the tone of the rest of the stories).

Utterly fantastic.
Thank you. *happy moment*
Kronettekronette on May 1st, 2006 03:20 am (UTC)
I started to quote my favorite parts, and honestly, I'd be quoting nearly all of these.

All these years he was running away to get to Normal, he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.

This was the first one to get me right *there*, because it's true. I can see it on the show, see it in Dean's eyes, and see it when Sam leaves.

Just beautiful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:44 am (UTC)
I started to quote my favorite parts, and honestly, I'd be quoting nearly all of these.
Yay! You're making my day!

This was the first one to get me right *there*, because it's true. I can see it on the show, see it in Dean's eyes, and see it when Sam leaves.
And the part that really kills me-- all of us-- is that Sam is who doesn't see it. And when Dean actually told him that he wanted him to stay, that it was everything to him... Sam rushed in to explain that he didn't want that, without ever thinking about how that would feel to Dean. :(

We fix in fanon what hurts us in canon. And for us, at least, it helps. :)
(no subject) - kronette on May 1st, 2006 10:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
GirlOnFiresacrilicious on May 1st, 2006 03:58 am (UTC)
This was just beautiful. I love how Sam finally gets it, that he is all Dean has ever allowed himself to want.

Favorite part - Dean holds Sam like he belongs here, like they belong Yin and Yang, Sun and Moon, together. In the quiet space inside Dean’s arms, Sam can see now how true that all is. All these years he was running away to get to Normal, he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.

So much love for this story.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
Ohhh-- your favorite part is the one that sums up their whole dynamic of who they should be together, at least in my mind. Their belonging, the way they balance and complete each other-- this is where their happiness would like if they only knew it.

So much love for this story.
Thank you so much for telling me so. It makes it all worthwhile. :)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 04:49 am (UTC)
:D

Like sacrilicious above you, you picked the passage that says everything to me about who Sam and Dean are and should be. That central theme guides all five of these stories, but it is summed up best there in those three sentences.

So glad I brought you over to the world of Supernatural. There is so much to love in this fandom, and so much you wish you could resolve on Sam and Dean's behalf. :)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 09:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Sorrel, the artist formerly known as goddessleilasorrelchestnut on May 1st, 2006 05:02 am (UTC)
Oh, man. So gorgeous. I loved "sound," especially. And the ending was perfect.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 05:22 am (UTC)
I loved "sound," especially.
That was such a heartbreaking episode, and it's like we have to relive it to make it better. This one is the ending we all deserved.

And the ending was perfect.
:D Thank you! Poor Dean. He is so guarded about all the things that really matter, and yet he's had years of Sam and John giveing him reason to be. :( I so want a piece of lasting happiness for Dean, and I think that can only come from Sam.

Say, did you read "Beneath the Silence" now that your tests, etc. are done? That one is Dean's POV, and I think it will probably resonate with you.
cocombat on May 1st, 2006 06:32 am (UTC)
Oh, all nice - my favourites are smell, followed by taste.

Icecreams and licking. So flirtatious it's not a surprise to the reader, and yet still makes sense as a surprise to them (or Dean at least), and yum.

Taste. Oh, nice. Tiredness, and Raindrops - so beautiful.
Easy to identify with when you're so close, and tired it's such an easy small step, to go straight to an action without any thought occuring in between.
The change of POV is nice, and Dean's surprise, then want.
The scene is very sweetly sexy - want, fulfilment and completion.

:)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 03:12 pm (UTC)
So flirtatious it's not a surprise to the reader, and yet still makes sense as a surprise to them (or Dean at least), and yum.
It kind of evolves from playfulness to flirting, and then yowza. And finally, Dean gets fully appreciated for doing something sweet. ;)

Easy to identify with when you're so close, and tired it's such an easy small step, to go straight to an action without any thought occuring in between.
Exactly-- if you were more 'with it', you'd pause on "bad idea" or "huh?" without continuing forward. But here, theh intoxication wins.

The scene is very sweetly sexy - want, fulfilment and completion.
Thank you. :) Everything that Dean always pretended he didn't need or want is finally reaching back to him-- and he finally takes it.
BEWARE OF JENMAR.: SPN - Too Cute - Deanclex_monkie89 on May 1st, 2006 07:52 am (UTC)
I love you and I love this and you never cease to amaze me. I think my absolute favorite part of all of these is Sam kissing Dean's chest in Touch.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 03:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Clex! I've sure missed your reading-- RL really takes its cut, doesn't it?

I think my absolute favorite part of all of these is Sam kissing Dean's chest in Touch.
It's so sweet-- and undemanding all at once. It's something freely given without asking for anything in return. And it acknowledges everything that Dean gives him. *happy sigh*
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on May 1st, 2006 08:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
MF Luder: Yeats-world endsmf_luder_xf on May 1st, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)
The problem with these challenges is they're so short and always so well written, I can't help but want more! Alas. But these are all..wow. Very beautiful. Very sexy.

You wrote some of the most amazing lines:
1.Dean wakes to Sam’s hand upon his chest that says he is neither forgotten nor about to be released.
2.he never saw that Dean was dying to be important enough for anyone to just stay.
3.Underneath him—choosing him— is every thing Dean ever wanted.
4.
There is no-one else he’d be willing to let stay.


Just...gorgeous. And the visual of taste. The way you wrote it I saw and felt everything happening like it was both happening in front of me and to me.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean slashhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
The problem with these challenges is they're so short and always so well written, I can't help but want more!
These ones aren't drabbles (100 OR 500-word ones), but I did want them to be unified in a larger theme. They're more a collection of vignettes, really. Although the original ficlet (you might like that one) is quite short-- it was supposed to be a high-level description of a story that was not being written. But sometimes, it's a mini-fic in itself.

BUT... can't blame you for wanting more. Someone on my f-list complained about the "Stories I Never Wrote You" idea, because from the descriptions, she wanted most of the stories to actually be written!

You wrote some of the most amazing lines:
Thank you! You picked some of my favorites out of the whole collection.

Just...gorgeous. And the visual of taste. The way you wrote it I saw and felt everything happening like it was both happening in front of me and to me.
That is so great to hear. Like you're watching it and being it all at once. It's my evil plan to pull you into the story.

So glad you liked these, even though more would always be good. But it's better than, "Meh-- no thanks." :)
(no subject) - mf_luder_xf on May 2nd, 2006 06:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on May 1st, 2006 12:02 pm (UTC)
Wow. I loved this -- as I do all your fics. You distill so much emotion and meaning into such tight, beautiful imagery. Damn.

Thanks for posting another amazing fic. Please keep writing.
DC
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 1st, 2006 07:04 pm (UTC)
You distill so much emotion and meaning into such tight, beautiful imagery. Damn.
:D Thank you very much!

Thanks for posting another amazing fic. Please keep writing.
You're so welcome, and I hope to be writing more stories for a good long while. The Prison Break folks are getting starved out on the PB slash right now, but the Supernatural folks are getting a bonanza. :)