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26 April 2006 @ 06:23 pm
Supernatural Fanfiction: Beneath The Silence  
Title: Beneath The Silence
Author: HalfshellVenus
Character: Dean (Gen, Angst)
Rating: PG
Summary: Dean’s unspoken questions are far deeper than anyone thinks.
Spoilers: Minor, all Season 1 up through Asylum
Author’s Notes: For lovely maygra, on her birthday.

x-x-x-x-x

In the dark, beneath his airplane bedspread, Dean wonders if the new baby will know his name. He has a stuffed bunny ready for it, and he’ll share his tricycle and his building blocks. He will never, ever hit it like stupid Bobby Joe did to his baby next door. Dean knows he’ll be a good brother, because he’s been waiting to be one as long as he can remember.

In the light, his Mommy goes to earth forever, and Dean wonders if the sun will miss her smile. He’s sure she’ll be lonely down there with no-one to talk to. He’s tried to tell Daddy since yesterday, but Daddy just doesn’t understand.

In the dark, Dean sees ghosts haunting the families Daddy helps. The ghosts are dangerous sometimes, and sometimes caught between worlds. Daddy says not all of them are bad. Dean wonders why his mother hasn’t come back to see him.

In the light, Sam spins under the red balloon Dad brought from the grocery store. He runs through the house with it like a kite, shrieking and giggling, and Dean wonders when you get too old to have that much fun.

In the dark, Dad is shaking with a fever. Dean has cleaned his wounds, patched him up, but it hasn’t settled out the way it should. Dean is too young to drive, but he has paid attention for years. He wonders how much longer he should wait before it’s okay to disobey Dad’s orders and haul him off to the hospital.

In the light, Sammy’s grown tall while Dean and Dad were all-too-focused on their mission. Sam no longer listens to Dad, and barely to him, and Dean wonders how they lost him and when it happened.

In the dark, Dean stirs and shifts to the radiator’s symphony as it heats their rent-by-week room. He wonders if Sam is tired of college yet… and then he wonders if Sam was just tired of them.

In the light, Dean saves a boy from drowning. His bursting lungs remind him of all the breaths he held in and didn’t let go while he waited for his mother to finally come out of that burning house.

In the dark, Sam becomes restful under Dean’s touch. The nightmare returns to the shadows, never banished but waiting for a second chance. Sam slept on through the whole of this one, soothed by the same presence that healed his pain and worries in childhood. By morning he’ll accuse Dean of being a girl if Dean doesn’t stay awake and get back in his own bed. Dean wonders if this is the only part of tending to Sam that he’s still good at.

In the light, they visit an Open House barbecue in a doomed suburb, and are mistaken for a couple—twice. Dean finds that so mind-boggling that he teases Sam with it in front of half the neighborhood. How could anyone think they’re that close when Sam has one foot out the door almost every day? Dean wonders if it’s his own neediness that gives off that impression. He tries to muscle it down, because pressure spooks Sam more than anything, but he’s still afraid that if he turns around he’ll find Sam isn’t there.

In the dark, Dean twists under his rock-salt-starburst broken-burning chest, and wonders what he ever did that was so wrong. He taught Sam everything he knew, forgave him everything he could, and Sam resents him and thinks of him as pathetic. Dad clearly checks his voicemail, but he won’t tell Dean what’s going on—like he can’t be bothered with him now that he’s moved on to his own thing.

Dean’s chest aches, inside and out, and his throat is tight under the weight of unanswered questions. He’s been a good brother and a good soldier, and what the hell kind of difference did any of that make?

After twenty-two years, he can’t please either one of them. Why doesn’t it even matter that he tries?


-------- fin --------


 
 
 
aliquid stat pro aliquomaygra on April 27th, 2006 01:33 am (UTC)
Aw, honey, that is just heartbreaking and beautiful. It's a lovely and painful look into what drives Dena and what drives him down.

I think I love this line most of all:

He tries to muscle it down, because pressure spooks Sam more than anything, but he’s still afraid that if he turns around he’ll find Sam isn’t there.

Thank you so very, very much. that's some pretty deft spinning there, girlfriend.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:06 am (UTC)
He tries to muscle it down, because pressure spooks Sam more than anything, but he’s still afraid that if he turns around he’ll find Sam isn’t there.
That walking-on-eggshells was so visible in those early episodes. Afraid to do the wrong thing, afraid to make too big a deal of Sam being back. :(

So glad you liked it. I hope it was worthy, and that the birthday was as fabulous as you are. ♥
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on April 27th, 2006 01:50 am (UTC)
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Yes.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:06 am (UTC)
Thank you, Athena. :)
the only blowup doll bobblehead on the internetimpertinence on April 27th, 2006 02:15 am (UTC)
Beautiful.

I loved the first one--wee!Dean is perfect.

In the light, Sammy’s grown tall while Dean and Dad were all-too focused on their mission. Sam no longer listens to Dad, and barely to him, and Dean wonders how they lost him and when it happened.

*wibble*

In the light, Dean saves a boy from drowning. His bursting lungs remind him of all the breaths he held in and didn’t let go while he waited for his mother to finally come out of that burning house.

That really just about killed me. Poor, poor Dean.

Dean wonders if it’s his own neediness that gives off that impression.

...that's the last time I ever think of Bugs as comedic. I'd never thought of the mistake this way--it's an interesting perspective.


I love how you characterize Dean and the in the light/in the dark repetition. Dean is becoming a more and more complex character canonically, and your portrayal of him is spot-on.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:17 am (UTC)
I loved the first one--wee!Dean is perfect.
That's the only really happy one-- and it's so 4-year-old wistfully hopeful. The things you're sure of WILL BE in your mind. And still it turns out that he was right.

and Dean wonders how they lost him and when it happened.
*wibble*

How mystifying it must be, if you weren't that kind of teenager, to not understand that almost everyone is. Not matter what.

I'd never thought of the mistake this way--it's an interesting perspective.
I love this about fanfiction-- that you can turn canon by asking the questions underlying the obvious. Suppose it isn't just that they're attractive and together? Suppose it's a vibe they're giving off that means something else?

Dean is becoming a more and more complex character canonically,
Of the three characters, his expands the most each time we get backstory. He is so layered and conflicted, and so in hiding even from himself.

It's hard to resist turning him, angling the light on him, and seeing the new facets become revealed.

So glad you liked this one. :D
kunju: dean can't help his liquid eyesinnie_darling on April 27th, 2006 02:22 am (UTC)
Oh, this is marvelous.

Dean wonders when you get too old to have that much fun. Dean gave up his own childhood to ensure Sam's and it's too possible that he would have had this moment even as a small child.

In the light, Dean saves a boy from drowning. His bursting lungs remind him of all the breaths he held in and didn’t let go while he waited for his mother to finally come out of that burning house. I would never have made this parallel.

How could anyone think they’re that close when Sam has one foot out the door almost every day? Dean wonders if it’s his own neediness that gives off that impression. Oh, he KNOWS how much is unrequited, and that just hurts.

He’s been a good brother and a good soldier, and what the hell kind of difference did any of that make?
After twenty-two years, he can’t please either one of them. Why doesn’t it even matter that he tries?
Dean is going to die of a broken heart before any demon gets the chance to kill him.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:21 am (UTC)
I would never have made this parallel.
I couldn't resist it-- it's one of those things that comes at you sideways and you don't even know how it arrived. But once it's there, it makes sense.

Oh, he KNOWS how much is unrequited, and that just hurts.
It really does. He has to know, when all he wants is for Sam to stay and all Sam wants is to leave. There's no other way for Dean to look at that other than that he is so much less important to Sam than Sam is to him. :(

Dean is going to die of a broken heart before any demon gets the chance to kill him.
Or the first will be the cause of the second. *Sigh* Right there with you.

Thanks so much for your comments, innie. :)
Seriously, Ten.  Seriously.: Padackles by nebuleintenaciousmetoo on April 27th, 2006 02:54 am (UTC)
Wow, that's lovely. Such a wonderful present for all of us. I'm so glad that maygra gave you the inspiration.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: JSquaredLovehalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:23 am (UTC)
Wow, that's lovely. Such a wonderful present for all of us.
Thank you so much! I'm looking forward to reading her other presents as well.

I'm so glad that maygra gave you the inspiration.
I can't begin to live up to her talents, but she certainly inspires me to do better all the time.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 03:24 am (UTC)
Quite frankly, I'm a bit lost for words. It's just so good.
Wow. That is wonderfaul praise indeed. (Seriously-- the un-words speak as loudly as the known words, sometimes)

Thank you :)
I'm beginning to dislike the man with the whipesorlehcar on April 27th, 2006 05:39 am (UTC)
Beautiful and just so achingly sad.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!

So much pain inside Dean, and as each episode goes by we get a better glimpse as to why.

And yet, it makes more sense than his surface bravado and devil-may-care attitude. All of that is his mask, and probably the way he wishes he felt all the time. But he has his worries and anguish, and his tendency to NOT voice them leads his family to think they're not there. Unlike Sam, who broadcasts his issues to the world. It's not bad, on either side-- just a huge mark of how they're different.

Love the backwards user name, rachelrose.
poisontaster on April 27th, 2006 06:15 am (UTC)
This whole fic has given me my daily dose of "Oh, Dean." but this line How could anyone think they’re that close when Sam has one foot out the door almost every day? just HURTS me. Oh, DEAN.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC)
How could anyone think they’re that close when Sam has one foot out the door almost every day? just HURTS me. Oh, DEAN.
When people say the truth hurts, they're not kidding.

Thank you so much-- and your perfect icon for all the "Oh, Dean" moments.
zora_sourit: deanzora_sourit on April 27th, 2006 06:49 am (UTC)
Ow. this is *so* Dean, it´s wonderful. His constant fear of Sam leaving and the way he took charge of everything so very early on... .I like the thought of him choosing sam´s clothes and taking care of both his brother and father. Exactly what I think of him.
This is a brilliant thought: while he waited for his mother to finally come out of that burning house.

Thank you for sharing, hun!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
His constant fear of Sam leaving and the way he took charge of everything so very early on.
Dean was a very competent child (he really had no choice), and I expect he did way better with all responsibilities than other children his age would have done.

But how it hurts to take such thoughtful care of other people, and have them walk away like all that-- and you-- mean nothing.

It's ironic to think of "Bad-ass Dean" suffering from "Good boy taken-for-granted/overlooked" syndrome within his own family. And yet-- that really seems to be the case. :(

Thanks so much, Zora. I loved your comments way back in an earlier post as to why you enjoyed my stories so much, and I still have that in my email as something I meant to reply to. It just made my day/week/year. :D
(no subject) - zora_sourit on April 28th, 2006 07:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
x5valex5vale on April 27th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
Heartbreaking and beautiful, sweet and sad....thank you!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 05:27 pm (UTC)
*glee* Thank you-- so glad you liked it!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
but he knew there had to be some little spark to fuel all that rage to begin with, and it was too painful for him to face it so he just dismissed Sam. Even after picking over this episode a hundred times I can't help wondering what else Dean's thinking, or how much of this he asborbed and retained, when all was said and done.
Total agreement. He can't entirely or even mostly disregard the spirit of Sam's words, and I think they hurt almost as badly as Sam shooting him (that anger drove him to do that--- and it was Dean who resisted Elicot's attempts at taking over him). We have hints in more recent episodes that Sam's attitude about Dean's "good soldier" behavior has been going on for a long time, so Sam's rant is probably something Dean's heard before (although perhaps not so baldly). :(

I've felt the different drives in each comes from who got the four years of having a mother and who didn't.
I do too-- and what a difference it makes to LOSE innocence and happiness versus never really having it. I wrote about this in Whispers From The Edge Of Sleep. In the "Moon Child" dream, where Sam is Dean's father, you see a parallel occurrence of this (except in that story, Sam notices how much that had to destroy Dean).

So very glad you liked this, Diamondback, and thank you for your thoughtful comments. :)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
janissa11: dean4janissa11 on April 27th, 2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
What a sweet, desperately sad series of snapshots of Dean. So very true, so believable. It makes my throat ache, because I can so see his thoughts going to these inevitable places. I mean, here --

He’s been a good brother and a good soldier, and what the hell kind of difference did any of that make?

I can also see Dean maybe reminding himself of lives he's helped to save, or saved outright. But it's this --

After twenty-two years, he can’t please either one of them.

-- that I can see sticking with him. Because it's so easy to think, That other stuff is my JOB. This -- is my life, this is my family, and after all that's happened over a lifetime-so-far, this is what I have to show for it. The respect and thankfulness of strangers, and the enduring question of family. The haunting inkling that love is not enough.

::sigh:: Beautifully, beautifully wrought.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 05:41 pm (UTC)
It makes my throat ache, because I can so see his thoughts going to these inevitable places
Oh, you caught the ending exactly. What he has done has mattered enormously to someone-- but the people who matter to him just look right past it.

That other stuff is my JOB. This -- is my life, this is my family, and after all that's happened over a lifetime-so-far, this is what I have to show for it. The respect and thankfulness of strangers, and the enduring question of family. The haunting inkling that love is not enough.
Exactly, all of it. Family is what matters most to Dean, and where he gets the least validation and gratitude. And that hurts SO MUCH.

He is in the classic position of being the person who loves more, and who is destined to be forever hurt by his own caring.

::sigh:: Beautifully, beautifully wrought.
Ohhhhh... Thank you so very much, and for the wonderfully expressive and thoughtful comments. ♥

Amymellaithwen on April 27th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC)
Aww poor Dean *hugs him*

and awesome fic *hugs you</em*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 06:23 pm (UTC)
and awesome fic *hugs you
Thank you so much :D

Love the Welsh-sounding name. Can't find an equivalent for "mellaith," although the "wen" is obvious. Mae hi'n braf iawn. :)
(no subject) - mellaithwen on April 27th, 2006 06:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mellaithwen on April 27th, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kaylee Winchester: Supernatural - Dean Walk Aloneroguem on April 27th, 2006 07:08 pm (UTC)
*Cries*
*Huggles Dean*

Beautifully done.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 07:25 pm (UTC)
Beautifully done.
Thank you so much :D

Dean walks alone, and a lot of the time it's hard for him. A necessity, not always a choice.
(no subject) - roguem on April 28th, 2006 12:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
kira!kiraboshi on April 27th, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
Wow. How great. I can totally see Dean thinking the last line -- and it rings so true because of how in-character the whole story is. I do adore it so.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 07:49 pm (UTC)
and it rings so true because of how in-character the whole story is.
Oh, this is such high praise to me. Being in-character is an absolute requirement for me in my writing.

I do adore it so.
*shivers with happiness* Thank you so much. :)