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23 April 2006 @ 01:49 pm
PrisonBreak/House Crossover: Paging Dr. Crankypants  
Title: Paging Dr. Crankypants
Author: HalfshellVenus
Category: Prison Break/House M.D. Crossover (Gen, Humor, possibly CrackFic)
Rating: PG
Summary: A mysterious downturn in his health puts Warden Pope in the clutches of House’s frequently lethal medical team.
Author’s Notes: Written for the pbreak_drabbles “Crossovers” challenge. This is fic #3, and not crossed with Supernatural for a change.

x-x-x-x-x

It was supposed to be a simple getaway weekend, for heaven’s sake. A Thursday night flight into Newark, a short drive to a lakeside Bed-and-Breakfast. Now Henry Pope has a tube down his nose and electrodes on his chest, and his wife is trading gourmet roast for hospital coffee.

In another room, the shakedown begins. “Differential diagnosis: overweight male, mid-60’s, no history of medical problems, presents with accelerated heart rate, vomiting, high creatinin levels, white count of 900, light sensitivity, and yellow fingers...”

~*~


An efficient, dark-skinned doctor swims before Pope’s eyes as a flashlight slivers his brain. Questions are murmured behind the beeping of machines, and when Pope wakes again a blond man is drawing a blood sample. He is sure introductions are made, perhaps more, but only his wife’s hand touching him matters as he sinks back into sleep.

~*~


“Stressful job,” House mutters over the test results. “Prison warden—must be a real hard-ass.”

“I thought he was rather nice,” Chase offers.

Nice? Nice is for people with nothing better to do.”

Chase lifts his eyebrows and tips his head in a shrug. “Nothing conclusive on his CT-Scan either.”

~*~


“I feel worse,” Pope moans, his chest sore from the paddles and his veins burning from yesterday’s IV cocktail. “Are they killing me?”

Tears run down his wife's face, as she looks at his gray skin and shaking hands. "I don't know," she says.

~*~


“If he weren’t from out of town, we could ransack his house. Too bad we can’t send you to his prison.”

“I’m not doing that again ever, no matter how sick the patient is or where he comes from.”

Chase is funny when he puts his foot down, and House makes a face at him from across the room.

“I still say it could be a combination of a heart-attack pre-cursor, the flu, and excess medication,” Foreman puts in.

“Or similar, but with toxic exposure,” Cameron adds.

“I vote for Zombie,” Wilson comments, taking his turn at the coffee pot.

“Great—I’ll call Buffy, and you can bring the matches,” House answers.

~*~


Two days later, Pope’s stomach screams in hungry protest and the machinery in his room has halved.

“You look so much better, dear,” his wife whispers, tears escaping her weary eyes.

“I’m so sorry I worried you,” he answers. Her precious hand is encompassed in the strength of his own.

She deflects his self-punishing tendencies with a practiced, gentle manner. “Don’t blame yourself, sweetheart, please.”

“What was it?” he finally asks, ready to confront his brush with death.

“I don’t really know,” she says. “For awhile, I thought it was the treatment that was killing you.”

“Oh, I’m sure they knew what they were doing,” Pope says kindly. “But next time… let’s vacation in Orlando.”

“Anything you want, Henry.” And her smile is all his sustenance.

~*~


“You let him live?” Wilson digs.

“Yeah. Cuddy threatened me with lawyers if I didn’t.”

“Just wear the blue shirt—she’ll back off.”

“And you told me you’d never share…”

“She can have you, really.”

“Heartbreaker.”


--//--

 
 
 
BEWARE OF JENMAR.: PB - ...Oops?clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 09:20 pm (UTC)
Dude. Much love. Especially for Wilson voting Zombie.

I am dismayed by my lack of appriopriate icons for this...
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 09:53 pm (UTC)
I am dismayed by my lack of appriopriate icons for this...
Well, who knew? ;)

I still don't have a Pope icon (this is the 3rd fic for him), but then I ONLY have 32, and I have to cover 2 fandoms plus random moods and just plain actorHotness.

It's funny that when you take key aspects of "House" out of context, it makes the REAL show sound like CrackFic!
BEWARE OF JENMAR.clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC)
I still don't have a Pope icon (this is the 3rd fic for him), but then I ONLY have 32, and I have to cover 2 fandoms plus random moods and just plain actorHotness.

I have like, a hundred and four and I still don't have enough. It's mainly because I keep ones for fandoms I rarely venture into anymore because as soon as I ditch the icon I'll have something to say to someone in it.

And now? I'm about to go on a cleaning spree through my icons. This is all on you.

It's funny that when you take key aspects of "House" out of context, it makes the REAL show sound like CrackFic!

Oh please. The fact that House has yet to be really fired or beaten within an inch of his life proves it's CrackFic with a budget.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
The fact that House has yet to be really fired or beaten within an inch of his life proves it's CrackFic with a budget.
I think you just revealed this show's secret appeal for me. :0
BEWARE OF JENMAR.clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 10:29 pm (UTC)
Glad I could be of help babe!
NoraNora!: RK and ANangelrose493 on April 23rd, 2006 09:37 pm (UTC)
Haha, this is nice. Not a big House watcher, but I've seen enough episodes to understand the characters. I like Wilson voting zombie, funny. I like that you used Pope as the PB character, something different, better.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB  Brothers-- moody eyeshalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 09:56 pm (UTC)
but I've seen enough episodes to understand the characters.
I really have to reconsider the "Crackfic" notion, as I was telling Clex above. Because those crackilicious parts of this story are actually CANON type elements in House. They only seem like crack. :0

Wilson voting zombie, funny.
And just within the possibility of canon, too. I guess this is why I like House so much-- the snark, the weird, and they're all a weekly thing. The brilliance of Hugh Laurie and his interaction with Robert Sean Leonard (Wilson) are merely gravy.

I do like Pope quite a bit, and he has the advantage of being able to _leave_ the prison (and Chicago area) easily. Why must "House" be stuck in New Jersey? Why not NYC, at the least? Oh well.
NoraNora!: Kellerman!!angelrose493 on April 23rd, 2006 11:55 pm (UTC)
I really have to reconsider the "Crackfic" notion, as I was telling Clex above. Because those crackilicious parts of this story are actually CANON type elements in House. They only seem like crack. :0

As for as I know [from the episodes I've seen] you're right. I should watch House more though, it's Tuesday at nine, right? [eastern time]

That's a reason I like him, I mean the prison's awesome for sure, but it's nice having PB characters out of that setting. That's why I like Veronica, the agents, etc. they go all around the city which is nice to see, since I've been dying to go there.
Kimberley: Cheese and the Devil:  by everlynlampshade_days on April 23rd, 2006 11:35 pm (UTC)
*grins* This was so much fun. Poor Pope, at the mercy of House and his underlings. Also, the House/Wilson exchange at the end is cuteness.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 01:28 am (UTC)
Poor Pope, at the mercy of House and his underlings.
You know they mean well, but it frequently boils down to diagnosis by Trial and Error (!) on the poor patient! That just seems... wrong.

Also, the House/Wilson exchange at the end is cuteness.
:D The snark never stops, except when House is being a TOTAL ass. :0
uponplains on April 24th, 2006 12:32 am (UTC)
Haha! I love this! You so got House's voice too and poor Pope! That was good though with his wife and everything. And Chase putting his foot down and Wilson voting Zombie... that is so great. It's hard enough to get the characterizations and the voices for House and PB on their own but combined? And you still did it, really nice job.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 02:09 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!

Glad there are so many other House fans out there besides me. :D

Really, the hardest thing about even thinking about tackling House is the medical research involved. I mean, if the cases are easy... they never make it to House's level.

*Sigh* Things I've researched since writing fanfiction these last 8 months (besides episode details): MapQuest for Chicaco & Joliet, Latin phrases, Spanish curses (!), Russian spelling, Egyptian gods (!), literal meanings for "avatar", MapQuest for Texas/New Mexico going into Mexico... is that it? Seems like enough to me. :0
uponplains on April 24th, 2006 02:17 am (UTC)
Oh man, see that is why I just cannot even attempt to write House fic. The medical technicalities alone! And then there's also trying to capture his voice which is pretty friggin' difficult. I also tried researching Spanish curses (yay Sucre) and I am so sure the one I have is completely wrong. Stupid freetranslation.com. And I actually had to look at a map of the US to determine how one would get from Alabama to Illinois because I am bad with state locations. What did you need the Russian and the Egyptian gods for?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Bladehalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 04:06 am (UTC)
I also tried researching Spanish curses (yay Sucre)
Bingo. Darn him. I did have a helper appear in the comments for the chapter I was using them in, which was a stroke of luck!

What did you need the Russian and the Egyptian gods for?
The Latin AND the Russion were for a 4-chapter Supernatural fic (Latin for actual effect, and Russian for the spelling-- I invented a type of fake demon that originates in Russia). The Egyptian gods.... oy. A Supernatural slash round-robin story where the first person in brought up a cursed Egyptian idol, and 5 authors later... I decided it was time to actually try to move THAT part of the plot forward. My research led to Dean making a cracktastic joke, and then the originating author (next in line) decided to take that seriously.

I kind of hate the research, to be honest (can't always quite get what you're looing for). But thank goodness for Google, wikipedia and Mapquest. :0
i'm chris, not dustin (bella): Prison Breakaccrues on April 24th, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
Thankyou for doing a crossover that is NOT Supernatural lol.

WOOHOO for PB/House x-overs!!! *cheers*

This was great, especially Wilson voting for Zombies ;) I still think you should have sent Chase to Fox River. That would have cracked me up.

Thankyou once again for such a brilliant idea :)

Hee. I'm putting together a list of Reccomended Reading. Would it be okay if I put this down on it?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 02:11 am (UTC)
Thankyou for doing a crossover that is NOT Supernatural lol.
I did one awhile back that was E.R., but since Supernatural is my other fandom is kind of rears its head. Actually, the slash crossover was from a ficlet I wrote on demand for someone awhile back. The T-Bag one was just abstract inspiration.

Chase in Fox River... He would never have survived :0 I mean, think of him in Oz, where the inmates work in the offices, etc. Instant riot as soon as he was spotted!

Would it be okay if I put this down on it?
Please, whatever you wish. Not my most serious or deep work, that's for sure. :0
i'm chris, not dustin (bella): Marshall - LJaccrues on April 24th, 2006 02:43 am (UTC)
I did one awhile back that was E.R., but since Supernatural is my other fandom is kind of rears its head. Actually, the slash crossover was from a ficlet I wrote on demand for someone awhile back. The T-Bag one was just abstract inspiration.
I wouldn't know seeing as a) I dont watch Supernatural or ER and b) I only follow your PB work and dont read those crossovers :D. Sorry lol.

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<i>I did one awhile back that was E.R., but since Supernatural is my other fandom is kind of rears its head. Actually, the slash crossover was from a ficlet I wrote on demand for someone awhile back. The T-Bag one was just abstract inspiration.</i>
I wouldn't know seeing as a) I dont watch Supernatural or ER and b) I only follow your PB work and dont read those crossovers :D. Sorry lol.

<iChase in Fox River... He would never have survived :0 I mean, think of him in Oz, where the inmates work in the offices, etc. Instant riot as soon as he was spotted!</i>
Hahaha *grins* yeah... He should come back here to Oz. We need him :D

<i>Please, whatever you wish. Not my most serious or deep work, that's for sure. :0</i>
Hahaha, it's House, of course it's not particularly serious. :)
The Good, The Bad and The Lana: tajmajingobop michael and popethelana on April 24th, 2006 01:50 pm (UTC)
Wow, great job with the character voices. And I love that you used Pope as the cross over character.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
Wow, great job with the character voices.
Thank you-- that's probably the most fun part of it. :D

And I love that you used Pope as the cross over character.
Poor man. Although he's someone they'd want to save. Bellick? House would try to save him and the ducklings would be putting insulin in his IV. :0
tyrical: AP_aJolietyrical on April 24th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC)
Pope at Princton Plainsboro,

I soooo feel for him. They may be the best but they really do try to kill the patient before they get to the cure. What's that thing about too many chefs in the kitchen... would the same go for doctors....

I wonder. Yep, I have to agree with everyone, you got the voices down pat.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 06:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much!

It IS hard to think of House's case-of-the-week as patients rather than... victims. :0
Ferryn - you know, that weird chick: thebigbangferrynheit on April 27th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
This was fantastic! You've got House down perfectly.

I love lots of dialogue. It's so fun to read!

And it's always awesome when zombies can somehow be worked into a fic. :D

Good to see Pope turning up in fic, and the parts with his wife were very sweet. :) Good job with him.

Hmm, I don't seem to have a Pope icon either, so I went with the closest thing I've got - Michael/Sucre porniness! :P
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 05:14 pm (UTC)
I love lots of dialogue. It's so fun to read!
It's so fic-dependent, too. Some have no dialogue. Some are almost entirely dialogue. There's usually more talking in my humor/Crackfic ones, I've noticed.

And it's always awesome when zombies can somehow be worked into a fic. :D
Heh! Doesn't come up as often in this fandom as in Supernatural.

Good job with him.
Thank you. :) I really do like him-- and the fact that he hasn't given up on his goals of decency and leading-by-example.

Your Michael/Sucre thing is obscenely wonderful! For a second, I mistook that for the Bellick strip-search scene after Michael's "conjugal". Interestingly, no-one's mentioned that if Michael DIDN'T use the conjugal part of that opportunity (and I suspect he did not) that Bellick would smell the lack of that on him-- making him immediately more suspicious.

"Bellick: Assy, but able to follow a Clue Train like no other."tm ;)
Ferryn - you know, that weird chickferrynheit on April 28th, 2006 10:49 am (UTC)
Yeah, kelz3192 makes lots of animated icons. She didn't even intend for that one to be porny, but what else is that supposed to look like?

Interestingly, no-one's mentioned that if Michael DIDN'T use the conjugal part of that opportunity (and I suspect he did not) that Bellick would smell the lack of that on him-- making him immediately more suspicious.

Hmm, interesting point. And we all know he likes to smell things.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: TBag-Zilla OTPhalfshellvenus on April 27th, 2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
I love House; the amount of snark that comes pouring out of that man's mouth in the workplace could only happen on TV.
I do too, for the same reason-- he takes "Doeesn't suffer fools gladly" and runs it to the extreme, where he doesn't suffer the kind/smart/dedicated or anyone else gladly! Which is misanthropic and sad, but also... funny! ;)

The zombie remark, the ending exchange between House and Wilson (gah, I love the friendship between House and Wilson),
AND their dialogue. Although less so lately, because House has been really assy and not much of a friend to Wilson. Clearly, House does not like having other people need him any more than he likes needing them. Because... Oy.

Your fic actually gives me an idea for a continuing story...
Oooh. Would you poke me back here if you write it? I can't begin to keep up with the volume of PB and SN stuff being written (I am part of the problem there, I admit), so recs and pokes are the only way I keep up! But I have so enjoyed your stories that I've read-- in both fandoms. :D
angelsbitca on May 3rd, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
possibly CrackFic

Oh, it's definitely Crackfic coz it's a fic that's crack to me.

The poor attempt at a joke aside, I'm highly impressed with your House!voice. It's hard to sufficiently capture the character's snark and jerkitude. Kudos on that!

“Differential diagnosis: overweight male, mid-60’s, no history of medical problems, presents with accelerated heart rate, vomiting, high creatinin levels, white count of 900, light sensitivity, and yellow fingers...”

It's kinda inappopriate but that "overweight" comment cracked me up.

“Just wear the blue shirt—she’ll back off.”

“And you told me you’d never share…”

“She can have you, really.”

“Heartbreaker.”


Those lines are pure gold. I agree that the blue shirt looks very good on Hugh Laurie. And aww! to Wilson for being faux generous enough to share his twu wuv with Cuddy.

Great job! Friending you, if that's ok :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Venushalfshellvenus on May 3rd, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC)
It's hard to sufficiently capture the character's snark and jerkitude. Kudos on that!
:D You pegged it right there. It's more than snark-- he really is a jerk, although a damn funny one. So long you're not on the receiving end of it. ;)

It's kinda inappopriate but that "overweight" comment cracked me up.
I felt a little cruel writing it, but you know it would be high up on the list of details in a medical diagnosis. Heck an extra thirty pounds is notice-worthy in a situation like that.

I agree that the blue shirt looks very good on Hugh Laurie.
Wilson too. ;) Hugh's eyes look intensely blue with it-- almost an unreal color. And if Cuddy would fall for any part of it, you know it would be the eyes...

Great job! Friending you, if that's ok :)
Thanks! And plz, feel free. :D