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22 April 2006 @ 07:26 pm
Supernatural Crackfic For Clex's Birthday!  
Title: More Ways Television Can Kill You
Author: HalfshellVenus
Category: Sam and Dean (Gen, CrackFic)
Rating: PG
Summary (S1 timeframe): Case leads come from the oddest places…
Author’s Notes: Written for clex_monkie89 on her birthday. This fic is the result of household conversations about a particular series of commercials Americans will recognize, but which I carefully will not name.


x-x-x-x-x

It’s Boston, it’s summer, and the heat is climbing.

The geriatric motel-room air-conditioner offers little relief from the humidity, and it is almost too hot to sleep.

Dean leafs through Dad’s journal looking for clues. The victims are exhausted, their skin bubbling and damaged, and the condition usually progresses into death. There is nothing in the notes. These are almost—almost— classic vampire symptoms, but unless the vampire packs corrosive acid as part of his particular kink, that just can’t be it.

Sam’s eyes are glazed over at another re-run of Seinfeld, as he sprawls on his stomach across the ratty-looking bed. Commercials flicker through the break, strobing fast-food panoramas, previews of the evening’s lineup.

“That’s it!” Sam says suddenly.

Dean glances at the TV screen. “That’s what you’re going to take to help you sleep?” he asks. “Could be expensive.”

“No,” Sam scoffs. “That’s what’s happening to those people.”

“A sleeping pill commercial is what’s attacking them? Well, everyone says television is evil.”

“Not a commercial—that toxic green butterfly in the commercials. It’s poisoning them.”

Sam’s been awake too long. “That’s a commercial, Sam—not real.”

And apparently he’s in a mood too: “Yes, unlike the vampires and ghouls and ghosts we hunt, because everyone agrees those are real,” Sam snarks.

“You’re… serious, aren’t you?” Dean asks.

“Of course I am!” Sam’s off the bed, shoving tools into a backpack.

Dean makes no move to get up. Is this a side-effect of the visions? Because the insanity part is definitely new.

“Well? Are you coming? We have to stop by a sporting-goods store.”

What-the-loonymuffin-ever, Dean thinks, but he grabs his keys and his guns and they’re off.

Later, they prowl through an upscale townhouse area just watching and waiting.

“I feel ridiculous,” Dean mutters.

Sam chuckles. “Really? Because I think the butterfly net is rather becoming.”

“If someone sees us—and they will, I guarantee it—we’re going to be wearing straightjackets for the next month.”

“Attitude, Dean, attitude.”

Sam scans the area with his night-vision goggles, while Dean has a surreal moment. Okay, this is so beyond freaky that... I can’t possibly be awake.

“Look!” Sam hisses.

Darting and twirling out of an upstairs window across the street, a glowing green pair of wings wends through the air toward them. Jeez, you’d think people would keep their windows closed. Haven’t they ever heard of burglars? Or West Nile virus?

Sam creeps out into the street, closer, closer. He jumps like a lacrosse champion and scoops the creature into his net.

Dean runs over to check it out. “Now what?” he says.

“I’d say ‘Take me to your leader,’ but I doubt it would understand. Plus, the net is starting to smoke. I think it’s dissolving it.”

Dean stomps on the whole thing Judo-fast, and the butterfly is dead.

“Ewww,” Sam complains, mangled green mixed in with string.

“Shake it off and rinse it out,” Dean says. “There might be more.”

Indeed, there are. They spend the next two hours stalking and jumping—swoop/stomp, swoop/stomp— until a little old lady walking her dog passes by. Sam and Dean wrangle sheepishly with an explanation, but ten minutes later there are sirens in the air.

“Figures,” Dean mutters. They rush up around to the side street where the Impala is parked under a huge tree, and Dean drives away as sedately as his self-control can handle.

“So, new neighborhood now?” Sam asks.

“What? No.” Dean steers back toward the cheap haven of the motel.

“But it’s dangerous! It’s unnatural. It’s got to be our kind of thing.”

“Sam,” Dean begins patiently, “If people don’t have the sense to keep the house locked up at night, there’s not much we can do. I mean the two of us—nationwide—against the march of Darwinism? Ain’t gonna happen.”

“So we’re giving up?” Sam says incredulously.

“Can’t fight the tide, can’t save all of humanity. Sometimes you have to leave the battle behind.”

An unusual admission for Dean, but Sam can see his point. “So now what?”

“Now? Back to bed until we just can’t take anymore—because I am totally damn tired after that little escapade. And then tomorrow…”

“Yes?”

“I’ve got some leads on that ping-pong-ball-headed body snatcher I need to check out.”

Sam’s working the wicked smile now. “You know that if you destroy their founder, they probably won’t let you eat there anymore, right?”

Dean shrugs manfully. “I know. But we’re Winchesters. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made.”

Sam nods his head in response to Family Rule #14, and clicks on the cassette machine of endless metal mania.

The music pumps and the Impala rumbles, and the night… rolls on.


------- fin -------

 
 
 
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on April 23rd, 2006 02:44 am (UTC)
*falls off bed laughing*

I LOVE CRACK!FIC!

I LOVE YOUR CRACK!FIC!

*hearts you*

Hey. Am I first again?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
Ooh! Ooh! I win at CrackFic! I've only written one other one, for Prison Break. (So.Far.)

Hey. Am I first again?
Yes! I'm rolling it out from yesterday (4th time in a ROW! w00t!):

15T PR1Z3 2 U A6A1N! :D:D:D

(no subject) - ragingvirgin on May 31st, 2006 09:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on May 31st, 2006 10:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - acostilow on June 1st, 2006 01:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ragingvirgin on June 1st, 2006 02:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Are we back to hos over bros?lissa_bear on April 23rd, 2006 02:53 am (UTC)
Sam’s working the wicked smile now. “You know that if you destroy their founder, they probably won’t let you eat there anymore, right?”


haha! So. Much. Love.!!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:35 am (UTC)
Thanks, Elissa!

God, CrackFic rules sometimes. Though I do love the smut and the angst, but some days? Just in the PrisonBreak-as-told-by-Winnie-Pooh-parallel mood for Crackfic. ;)
kira!kiraboshi on April 23rd, 2006 03:07 am (UTC)
HAHA.

Except now I'm scared to take my sleeping pills. Is the Lunesta butterfly going to come burn me? Are the boys outside? And if so, why am I going to go to sleep? ;)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:36 am (UTC)
Except now I'm scared to take my sleeping pills. Is the Lunesta butterfly going to come burn me?
Hah! Another victim waiting to be dispatched by the toxic green butterfly! Truly, I wonder why they picked that color for it, instead of a soothing lavendar or blue.

However... works for me here. ;)

Are the boys outside? And if so, why am I going to go to sleep? ;)
Sam and Dean: Intervention worth waiting for! :D
Skywalker-Winchester: Winchesters shirtless carmendoveanakin415 on April 23rd, 2006 03:38 am (UTC)
leave it to Sam LOL
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:38 am (UTC)
And yet... he was right! :0

I would have paid money to see that Net-swoop-stomp scene on film, including the appalled little old lady. :D
(no subject) - anakin415 on April 23rd, 2006 05:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
BEWARE OF JENMAR.: SPN - Hallelujah - Dean and Samclex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 03:40 am (UTC)
Wow. When you say "cracktastic" you mean "cracktastic." Damn. I have so much love for this and you right now.
callmetofucallmetofu on April 23rd, 2006 03:55 am (UTC)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 04:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 05:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 05:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - clex_monkie89 on April 23rd, 2006 05:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
Trystan: hee.trystan830 on April 23rd, 2006 04:00 am (UTC)
(was linked by acostilow)

hee, this is funny stuff!!

“That’s a commercial, Sam—-not real.”
And apparently he’s in a mood too: “Yes, unlike the vampires and ghouls and ghosts we hunt, because
everyone agrees those are real,” Sam snarks.
LOVE IT!!!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:43 am (UTC)
Thanks, trystan!

God I love snark. And crack. And Sam freaking Dean the hell out with his weirdness. ;D
(no subject) - trystan830 on April 23rd, 2006 04:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - trystan830 on April 23rd, 2006 04:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 05:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - trystan830 on April 23rd, 2006 05:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
ironic sweater vestsestei on April 23rd, 2006 04:30 am (UTC)
This is the best kind of crackfic- the kind that's laugh out loud funny but still plausible in a everyone-has-one-of-those-days kind of way. It can't always be a big, dramatic demon after all. I loved Dean's internal monologue, absolutely hilarious. Favourite part?

What-the-loonymuffin-ever, Dean thinks, but he grabs his keys and his guns and they’re off. This made me laugh so hard I inhaled my Diet Coke.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:44 am (UTC)
kind that's laugh out loud funny but still plausible in a everyone-has-one-of-those-days kind of way.
It's the almost-plausible that really kicks it up for me. And the relentlessly weird humor. ;)

This made me laugh so hard I inhaled my Diet Coke.
Beverage abuse! I win!

:D
dr. henry killinger: touch yourself! LMAOliberateourtime on April 23rd, 2006 04:37 am (UTC)
It's the mental image of the boys sitting outside someone's house, butterfly nets in hand, that pushed this fic into my memories. XD

That's good crack!fic. Mmmhmmm.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 04:46 am (UTC)
It's the mental image of the boys sitting outside someone's house, butterfly nets in hand, that pushed this fic into my memories. XD

Wouldn't you pay money to see them leaping around like loons? Or Sam with the butterfly net AND the night goggles?

Glad you liked it, Margaret! And heavens-- your icon. Just watching Michael groove through it is bizarre. :D
katbcollkatbcoll on April 23rd, 2006 05:41 am (UTC)
*howls* This was just hysterical!

Sam’s working the wicked smile now. “You know that if you destroy their founder, they probably won’t let you eat there anymore, right?”
Ohhhh and after he came out on national television! *cackles* Dude, destroy him. Then go after the weird-ass farmer spanking the cow. *twitches* He scarred my brain with that.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 05:46 am (UTC)
*howls* This was just hysterical!
:D Thank you! Glad to be of service...

Dude, destroy him. Then go after the weird-ass farmer spanking the cow. *twitches* He scarred my brain with that.
God, the cow-spanking. Totally with you on that one. :0

And then, THEN, there's the pod-person plastic Burger King guy who apparently freaks everyone on the planet out except the morons who approved him as the key component in the ad campaign. What.Were.They.Smoking?
(no subject) - katbcoll on April 23rd, 2006 05:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cloex_brosluvr on April 23rd, 2006 10:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 24th, 2006 02:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cloex_brosluvr on April 24th, 2006 08:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The Good, The Bad and The Lana: big smile happy sarathelana on April 23rd, 2006 06:30 am (UTC)
Bwahahha => this is my fave: Is this a side-effect of the visions? Because the insanity part is definitely new.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 06:45 am (UTC)
Bwahahha => this is my fave:
No way to be sure, is there? This isn't limited to Sam-- there are things both brothers do where the other has to be thinking WTF? Random, space-alien moment! *cough* Especially in crackfic ;)

Do you have that scary Lunesta commercial over in Europe? The butterfly of, "soft peaceful sleep" I guess it is, is a frightening radioactive green. It's the scariness of the color you notice, rather than "Oooh. Restful."
(no subject) - thelana on April 23rd, 2006 06:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
bodgeibodgei on April 23rd, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
Guess I shoudl give up on my "Sam starts doing wierd shit - 'cause he's taking Ambain" story, cause this story just rocked!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 23rd, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)
Hah! Actually, that could be a wholly different story, so... don't kill it yet.

But glad you enjoyed this one. It's crackalicious. :D
(no subject) - bodgei on April 23rd, 2006 09:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
tyrical: Action_smiletyrical on April 28th, 2006 11:31 pm (UTC)
I always new that Lunesta butterfly was nothing but trouble.

LOL!


I also agree with Dean and Ron White "You just can't fix stupid."
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on April 29th, 2006 05:05 am (UTC)
I always new that Lunesta butterfly was nothing but trouble.
See? Why must it be that toxic/radioactive green color? That's not soothing. It's scary.

I also agree with Dean and Ron White "You just can't fix stupid."
Exactly. Some battles you just gotta know when to quit. ;)
alazysod on May 7th, 2006 01:52 am (UTC)
Hehe! I loved this. Very amusing.

Favorite lines:
What-the-loonymuffin-ever, Dean thinks, but he grabs his keys and his guns and they’re off. It was the loonymuffin part that got me.

Jeez, you’d think people would keep their windows closed. Haven’t they ever heard of burglars? Or West Nile virus?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on May 7th, 2006 02:34 am (UTC)
It was the loonymuffin part that got me.
Hah! Me too. That one floated up out of nowhere, and just struck me as bizarrely funny.

Dean's rather... put-upon... form of sarcasm kills me but good.
Pheebs1pheebs1 on July 23rd, 2006 10:04 am (UTC)
What-the-loonymuffin-ever, Dean thinks, but he grabs his keys and his guns and they’re off. Ha ha ha!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on July 23rd, 2006 05:36 pm (UTC)
That is the funniest line in the whole thing to me, and I have no idea where it came from (the Crack side of my brain is not always accessible even to me!).

Glad you liked it. Humor-Crack is irresistible to me. :D
extra sunshine, extra gin: here mousey mouseyacidquill on July 24th, 2006 06:40 pm (UTC)
Hee. The Lunesta moth is teh eveel *snicker* And here I have one of the little buggers tattooed on my shoulder, heh.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on July 25th, 2006 06:16 am (UTC)
And here I have one of the little buggers tattooed on my shoulder.
:D But is it a toxic green one? That's the real kicker. That commercial would not be half so strange if the butterfly didn't look radioactive! Oy.

Niiiice icon. Get those fakey little pastel mousies, kitty. :) Actually, the kitten looks thisClose to backing away. :0
(no subject) - acidquill on July 25th, 2006 02:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)