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09 February 2010 @ 07:58 pm
SPN/House Xover Fiction: "C'mon, How Bad Could It Be?" (Dean, Sam, House, Humor, PG-13)  
Title: C'mon, How Bad Could It Be?
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam, Dean, Greg House (Gen Xover with House, M.D.)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Dean does not need reminders from his baby brother on how to deal with difficult people.
Author's Notes: There were a lot of requests for a follow-up to the Sam vs. House story that would let Dean share Sam's pain. I didn't expect to write one, but here it is!

x-x-x-x-x

Dean was standing in the checkout line with a ball of twine and a couple of bags of rock salt when his cell phone rang.

Sam.

"Yo," he answered, working a credit card out of his wallet. "So what's the deal, did that intel pan out?"

"Yeah, it's real enough," Sam said. "Got an unquestionable presence here, so it's worth following up. The neighbor who called us—his name's House—was able to set it off. You should come on over. Though I've got to warn you—" Sam's voice dropped down low, "the guy's kind of a crank, so try not to let him get to you."

Dean held the phone out and glared at it as if Sam could see him. "Please," he said, "I'm a professional, Sam." Seriously, Sam had a lot of nerve laying out the rules for him like that.

Dean drove back uptown to where he'd dropped Sam off, and looked for a place to park. Probably should have gone in with Sam the first time and delayed that trip to the store. It took him three blocks to find a spot.

He knocked on the door of House's apartment, noticing that the entrances to all the apartments on the floor looked exactly the same. Creepy.

The door swung open, and an older guy with a scruffy beard looked him up and down.

"Wrong floor," he said. "The guy who digs hustlers is on Four. I only hire women."

Dean's lips tightened, but he ignored the comment. "I'm Dean. Sam called me."

The man turned to yell over his shoulder. "Your boyfriend's here!"

"I'm his brother," Dean huffed.

"Right, because you totally look like you could be related." The man rolled his eyes and turned around, crossing the living room.

The guy had to be House, and Dean was totally starting to see Sam's point about the behavior issue. He waited for a moment, but apparently leaving the door open and wandering away was House's idea of inviting someone inside. Dean stepped into the apartment and shut the door. "So, any idea who the ghost might be? Someone in the building who died recently?"

"Who cares? Dead is dead. Probably some loser to begin with anyway."

Harsh. It was one thing to joke around with your brother about stuff like that (which Dean totally had, maybe too often), but you didn't just toss that out there to a random stranger.

"It might be important," he insisted.

House shrugged. "Could be the kid next door. He kicked off about six months ago, after he merged his mini-Cooper into a semi on the freeway."

"How old was he?" Dean asked, and where the heck was Sam, leaving him alone with this crackpot anyway?

"Late twenties, maybe. Old enough to have his own place instead of sponging off of his sister."

A pillow rose off the couch and smacked the guy in the head. "Oh, come on—like you weren't taking advantage of her!" he yelled up at the ceiling. His eyes flicked back to Dean. "So, the two of you are into leather, is that it?"

"Sam!" Dean bellowed.

Sam appeared around a corner. "What? I was in the bathroom." He handed Dean the EMF meter. "Nothing in the rest of the apartment—it's mostly concentrated in that one wall."

Dean thought for a minute. "So the ghost killed one of your neighbors," he said to House. "Why hasn't it killed you yet?"

"Dean," Sam muttered.

House grabbed a couple of peanuts from a bowl on the coffee table and tossed them into his mouth. "Lousy aim? Or maybe because the kid's mother is one of my patients at the hospital—a coma case. If he kills me off, the next doctor might pull the plug. And coma-Mommies do guilt as well as anyone—maybe better."

Dean leaned in close enough that only Sam could hear him. "What's the deal here? It's like talking to old Yellow Eyes all over again—this guy is seriously evil."

"Human evil," Sam murmured back.

"So what? Can I push him down the stairs?"

"No. Now let's get the rest of the information and get out of here before I start wanting to kill him."

Dean sighed. "Name on the guy next door?" he prodded.

"Simons. Or was it Samson?" House said thoughtfully. "Oh what difference does it make, you can get his sister's last name off her downstairs mailbox. Unless she moved out and joined a nunnery by now, though no great loss to mankind on that score, if you know what I'm saying."

Dean looked at Sam. "If I stuffed him in the closet and locked the door, would you even stop me?" he whispered.

"No."

"You wouldn't take pity on him for being a cripple?"

Sam snorted. "I'm sure there's room in the closet for the cane too."

"Awesome."

Dean cleared his throat and stood up. "It looks like we've got what we need, so we'll go ahead and take care of this."

"And then what happens?" House asked eagerly.

"Then the flying furniture and stuff goes away, and it's over."

House sat forward indignantly. "That's it? No follow-up? Where's the personal touch, the attention to customer care?"

Dean jerked his head toward the door and Sam stood up too. "We'll send you a postcard."

"You're just running away to boff in some back alley or seedy motel," House called after them. "I'll bet the real Ghostbusters would've come back to close the case in person. I'd definitely take Sigourney Weaver. Even if she's older than I am…"

Dean shut the door behind them, and he and Sam raced for the stairs and hustled down to street level and out onto the sidewalk.

"Jesus, what a piece of work!" Dean finally said.

"Told you. Half of me wants to leave everything alone and let the ghost get him, but it might kill someone else instead."

Dean nodded. "Already did. So no dice on that one. Too bad, though."

"Then I guess we're headed to the County Records Office. We can ID the dead neighbor and figure out where he's buried, then finish him off tonight," Sam said. "Were you serious about the postcard?"

"Maybe." Dean looked at him slyly. "Oh, who am I kidding? A picture of some stud in a 3-D leopard thong is exactly what that guy deserves."


-------- fin --------

 
 
the joyful existenceyourkidney on February 10th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC)
AHAHAHA! I ♥ House, I ♥ the Winchesters, and they snark so well together!

But I mostly like Dean's idea for the post card haha.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 04:30 am (UTC)
It really is a snark battle, isn't it? Because Sam is the only one of those characters with even the slightest bit of restraint, and both Dean and House can wear it down to nothing in mere seconds.

I agree with Dean-- House deserves that postcard. An X-rated gay one would be better, but I can't see the post office ever delivering it!
Katharsis J: god has an odd sense of humorkaddywhak on February 10th, 2010 04:29 am (UTC)
You win at life, you know that? Cause this? This is just pure, unadulterated epic.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 04:30 am (UTC)
Hahahahaha! Thank you so much! :D
ErinRua: scary thingserinrua on February 10th, 2010 04:33 am (UTC)
BUAH! I've only seen enough House to know that ... you've nailed House! *g*

Great voices, loved the whole thing, and for some reason Dean bellowing SAM! just cracked me up. *g*

Well done! Glad I had time to catch and read it. :-)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 04:44 am (UTC)
House is both so semi-evil and utterly hilarious that I can't resist him. The snark-to-sentence ratio is probably higher for him than any other character I can think of.

and for some reason Dean bellowing SAM! just cracked me up. *g*
It's a sure sign that Dean's patience (what little he had) just vacated the premises. And who could blame him?

Glad this one made you laugh!
The Huntresshuntress69 on February 10th, 2010 04:35 am (UTC)
The man turned to yell over his shoulder. "Your boyfriend's here!"

"I'm his brother," Dean huffed.

"Right, because you totally look like you could be related."


~~~~~

"Who cares? Dead is dead. Probably some loser to begin with anyway."

~~~~~

"So what? Can I push him down the stairs?" BWAHAHAHA!! I have no problem hearing Dean say this.

~~~~~~

"You're just running away to boff in some back alley or seedy motel," House called after them. "I'll bet the real Ghostbusters would've come back to close the case in person. I'd definitely take Sigourney Weaver. Even if she's older than I am…"

~~~~~

I am shouting (figuratively, cause my daughter is asleep) IT'S HOUSE, IT'S HOUSE!! Priceless, perfect and I love you for it!!


Edited at 2010-02-10 04:36 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 04:46 am (UTC)
God, I can not only hear Dean saying that, I can totally see Sam almost being ready to let him do it, given the circumstances.

I'm so glad you enjoyed this, and you were one of the people who inspired me to write the sequel I didn't think I was going to write, so thank YOU! :D
Stormy1x2traveling_storm on February 10th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
*snickers madly* Oh I liked that. Indeed I did. House was so marvelously in character and Dean showed remarkable restraint. ^__^ Loved this so much!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 07:02 am (UTC)
Yay! I'm glad you felt both halves of the characterization were true to form-- including Dean's struggle to behave with House digging at him over and over again. :D
Olympiaolympia_m on February 10th, 2010 07:35 am (UTC)
lololol

this was AWESOME!
And both were so incredibly IC- it was like watching an ep :):) oh, i totally loved this!!! ):)
(I wonder what Wilson would do if he ever saw Dean's postcard to House *G*)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 07:48 am (UTC)
Hee-- so glad you enjoyed it!

I think it's even better when you know and love both of the shows, partly because you know House's propensities and you also know how hard it is for Dean to hold his temper.

You know, if Dean ever sent that postcard, I can promise you that House would leave it out where he knew Wilson would see it, just to flummox him. And then drop needling hints about it later, just to see what kind of reaction they got!
Brilliance of the Moon: cas swishy coatlongbca on February 10th, 2010 08:03 am (UTC)
Awesome
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 08:08 am (UTC)
Thank you! It's like these two were meant to annoy each other until one of them cracks. :)
labseraphlabseraph on February 10th, 2010 08:54 am (UTC)
Mos def the crossover I have been wanting to see. Hee! Perfect character voices, fluidly written.

Wonderful
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 06:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you! There's nothing like the combination of an impatient person and one who takes immense joy in driving other people nuts.

It makes some of Dean's earlier encounters seem practically reasonable, by comparison. ;)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
Re: ha!
I think the "get out as fast as possible" plan was the only thing that kept him from going completely nuts. SO much provocation!
shaitanah: castielshaitanah on February 10th, 2010 01:42 pm (UTC)
Yay! I'm happy to see more of this crack))))
Right, because you totally look like you could be related. LMAO, that's unfortunately so true! XDDD
And coma-Mommies do guilt as well as anyone—maybe better. I'm a horrible person, but I laughed so hard)))) And that's so House))
LOL, Dean's idea for a postcard wins)))
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 06:41 pm (UTC)
LMAO, that's unfortunately so true! XDDD
Which House would of course point out to be annoying, and then there's also the "Everybody lies" fixation of his. ;)

I'm a horrible person, but I laughed so hard)))) And that's so House))
It really is-- as soon as the "unthinkable" occurs, it's already out of his mouth. Who needs tact? Or any kind of respect for others?

So glad you enjoyed this one too. Yay!
I do not think it means what you think it means.tcs1121 on February 10th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
Okay. That was too much fun. Just right, and, yeah...too much fun.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 06:41 pm (UTC)
Hee! So glad you liked it!
chlarkfan333: HouseTwirlelectricmonk333 on February 10th, 2010 04:06 pm (UTC)
LOL. Pure win again. I was itching to read one with Dean in it, so yay! My only nitpick - House pays attention to the smallest details and him brushing off questions about the boy etc as being unimportant, I thought, was a little out of character, unless you wrote him that way intentionally so as to be difficult. Doesn't detract from the story in any way though. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2010 06:44 pm (UTC)
I think Dean vs. House has even more comic opportunity that Sam vs. House.

him brushing off questions about the boy etc as being unimportant, I thought, was a little out of character, unless you wrote him that way intentionally so as to be difficult.
Oh, it was deliberate. Because those details have no urgency to him, so he doesn't give a rat's ass whether other people think they're important.

Not to mention how easily it frustrates other people when he thwarts them that way. He lives for it. ;)
heliokleia: DEAN & SAM IC - BAM!heliokleia on February 10th, 2010 10:28 pm (UTC)
"...A picture of some stud in a 3-D leopard thong is exactly what that guy deserves."
- Hahaha... oh you're still the best, EL DEANO!!
*giggles schoolgirlish*

- And House really would deserve it, dont't you think, my dear Mme Venus?^^
*huggles*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 11th, 2010 01:47 am (UTC)
Oh, I think he would! And maybe a separate brown-paper-wrapped magazine of "Hot Boy Toys" delivered to his apartment a few months later, just when he thinks it's all over.

So glad you enjoyed this! Always nice to give you a laugh. :)
mdlawmdlaw on February 11th, 2010 01:55 am (UTC)
hehehehehehehe m :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 11th, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
This kind of situation is a PERFECT example of that "Benders" moment: "Demons I get. People are crazy."

Or not crazy, but just overjoyed at trying to make YOU crazy. :D
layne: wilsonlayne67 on February 11th, 2010 04:00 am (UTC)
Omg you got House's voice PERFECTLY!

"Wrong floor," he said. "The guy who digs hustlers is on Four. I only hire women."

*falls off chair laughing*

He would say that. Go House! And go you!!

More? With Wilson too this time? And oh, maybe Bobby too? :D


Edited at 2010-02-11 04:01 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 11th, 2010 06:54 am (UTC)
That line seemed SO like House-- not only would he embarrass Dean by assuming he's a hustler, but he'd admit he pays for prostitutes in the same breath!

I can't imagine writing more of this-- the sequel alone was a surprise!