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09 November 2009 @ 01:32 pm
I get so behind on my f-list over the weekend...  
and miss the wankage over things like kinkfreezone, which has already been self-deleted. Probably saved me a few blood-pressure surges, though!

This wasn't a "bad" weekend, really, but it was one of those that led to some wallowing. I spent all my free time Saturday taking down Halloween and doing laundry, before a quick library-and-chore-blitz, and then Sunday was more laundry, exercise (running), and 3 hours of yardwork that went right past sundown and into the eyestrain zone. The kids helped a little on Sunday (Lauren borrowed 2-hours-of-yardwork's worth of money, and Christopher stuck around for a slow hour), but the feeling of never making any headway on anything is so frustrating.

HalfshellHusband is nauseated most of the time (and is still working through the cleanup/estate stuff following his mother's death), but the reality is that since he went on disability for depression 2 years ago I've felt like I'm drowning in failure. I have at least 5 "tornado-like" rooms where I can never get the time to straighten out even one of them and get it off my list. Before the cancer, HSH was debilitatingly depressed, and did almost nothing around the house/yard other than chauffering the kids, cooking, and groceries.

I used to have Mondays off. I'd volunteer at the kids' schools (alternating weeks), then come home and tackle some project and do my exercise. When HSH stopped working, my Mondays became entertaining him, and the projects (i.e., touch-up painting/repairs or reorganizing/purging stuff) went nowhere. Two years later, more "todos" have accumulated and hardly anything leaves the list, and I went back to work full-time in March when my office instituted a 5% pay cut, so now there's more stress as well.

Sometimes, I just feel so tired and beaten-down by it all, but what can we do? HSH is too wiped-out from chemo to do more than he's doing, and it would just make him feel guilty if I mentioned it. I can't enlist his help in cleaning-out/purging, because his idea of that is to pack random stuff up and put it out in the garage, where it becomes "lost" instead of "dealt with," and is no damn help whatsoever. Our yard is huge, and the gardeners are a mow-and-blow service (that we'd planned to let go-- pre-cancer-- because HSH finally accepted that he should be doing this work himself. We're still paying them, and it doesn't cut down on my yardwork at all).

*sigh* Sorry for the ranting. Sometimes I just have to vent, and I always feel like I can't say anything because I'm not the one dealing with the cancer and the chemo and feeling awful most of the time, or with the ECT (shock) treatments, or any of the rest of it. But all the fallout lands squarely on my shoulders. I could really use about a week all to myself to get things under control, which will never happen. :(

Now for some fun, stolen from many people and places, and let's hope I don't screw up the coding: Icon Meme!

Some of these I haven't even used yet-- the expansion is courtesy of a birthday gift from the lovely beascarpetta, so I have some new and gorgeous icons!

But mostly, they're still very fandom-centric. Must work harder!

Some of these are really literal meanings, some abstract. Because I'm schizoid like that:

.sympathy..evil..innocent..in love.

Snag yourself the coding here.

Yes, there are two of the Ice-T icons. I don't really have a lot in the "rage/angry/disgusted" department-- I tend to use that icon for all three of those, on the rare occasions it's needed. But then again, it's an awesome icon, so why diminish the impact? :D

Tags: ,
jumpuphigh on November 10th, 2009 01:46 am (UTC)
miss the wankage over things like kinkfreezone

I wouldn't have categorized it as wank; more like point and laugh.

This site is helping me with organizing my house. You might want to check it out. http://flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 02:31 am (UTC)
I think only the original poster was in "wank" mode, partly because she didn't seem to realize that she was a crank! Pointing and laughing is always fun, once someone's reached that stage. ;)

Thanks for the site pointer! My problem is things like unfinished painting projects for home decor (laundry room), the kids' art/etc. from waaaaay back through to the present (all in inconvenient sizes!), the pile of sweaters that need "shaving" (which is one of the things I used to do on Mondays alone-- I'd watch my boy-kissing movies or whatnot with the volume cranked waaaaay up), and the kids' toy room where I keep thinking I'll e-bay the Hello Kitty stuff and craigslist a few other things.

The "send to Goodwill" option is always faster, but I've been resisting it. :0
Celtic_Forestceltic_forest on November 10th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
You're an amazing woman dealing with extraordinary circumstances. Because you can shoulder this, I know you're strong. Because I've met you, I know you're smart, beautiful, caring, and fun to be around.
Venting is the least you can do - vent away!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 07:50 am (UTC)
Thank you for those kind words-- I really needed them today. ♥

Some days it's all about soldiering on, but every once in awhile it just suddenly gets overwhelming. *sigh*
happy is as happy does: Hug - Friendshappywriter06 on November 10th, 2009 07:04 am (UTC)
You shouldn't apologize for the way you feel. No you're not sick but you have a lot to deal with, too.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 07:53 am (UTC)
Thanks for saying that. I can't really complain at home, and we don't have much of a support system with our families farther away. Sometimes it just feels like too much, and then it gets better again for awhile...
Jas Massonjasmasson on November 10th, 2009 07:53 am (UTC)
Sometimes things do get on top of us, and you've got such a lot on your plate.

Don't beat yourself up - you're doing an amazing job.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 08:05 am (UTC)
There are just those days when it feels like the mess/effort is sweeping me downhill along with it, and that there's no end in sight. Too much to do at home and at work, and if writing fanfic didn't help keep me sane I'd have cut way back on that too!

When we first moved into this house (with a 2-year-old and a newborn shortly afterward), I thought the yard would bury me. It's just so much work, almost all of it in front (on display) and over-landscaped.

I guess I just need to wait this out, knowing that it'll get back into perspective eventually.

Thanks for the sweet thoughts! They certainly do help. :)
Gretagretazreta on November 10th, 2009 10:05 am (UTC)
I really admire you, you're being a real trouper in what sounds like really hard circumstances. I think having a place to vent is very important - because sometimes the hardest thing of all is having no SPACE for yourself, let alone time.

*hugs* Stay strong, lady, you're doing really really well.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 09:33 pm (UTC)
because sometimes the hardest thing of all is having no SPACE for yourself, let alone time.
That's sure true right now. Other than when I'm exercising (or doing yardwork alone), my only "alone" time to think and to be is after everyone goes to bed. If anyone else is awake or nearby, it's only a matter of time before a "demand" comes my way-- attention, problem-solving, something. And it just gets wearying.

Thanks for the very kind thoughts! And I was serious about the birthday drabble-- I've got my Mini NaNoWriMo quotas to meet, and it's nice to have them go to a particular someone, especially a birthdayish someone. :)
Gretagretazreta on November 10th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
I would LOVE a birthdy drabble. I love your drabbles.
I'd like Sam/Dean at the moment. Um... and if you need an extra prompt... "birthday". :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Birthdayhalfshellvenus on November 14th, 2009 03:00 am (UTC)
Here you go! I finished it last night, and then spent the entire day trying to find the title.

Hope you like it, and many happy belated returns! :)
Vel'ithya Tevrielvelithya on November 10th, 2009 11:52 am (UTC)
don't feel bad for ranting. And don't feel bad for feeling bad and fed up and whatnot - dealing with someone with depression is hard enough, but your other half has depression AND is dealing with cancer and chemo... that takes real strength, and it's a testament to the sort of person you are that you are still keeping it together for your husband and your family. Even carers need help sometimes, and it's not a crime to run out of emotional energy. Recharging you, and making sure you're okay, is more important than things like keeping the yard in order, y'know? Do things that keep yourself together, so that you can look after the people you love.

Also, *hugs*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
Do things that keep yourself together, so that you can look after the people you love.

That's one of the hardest things of all. Writing Fanfic helps keep me together, but in the main the other things mostly involve being left alone, which is harder than it used to be. It's rare to have both kids out of the house anymore (and Christopher is the energy vampire of the two of them), but moreover... my husband's always there, and since his epic depression started he is very emotionally needy. And now it's hard for him to be gone from the house for any length of time, because he gets tired too easily. In many ways, he's the one that's draining me most of all. Which is part of why I feel so guilty for thinking that. :(
Vel'ithya Tevrielvelithya on November 11th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC)

Okay, so you need to be left alone. In case this is any help (and feel free to ignore if not - I know that well-meaning suggestions are sometimes not what you are after) here are my thoughts in no particular order.

Does the bathroom have a lock on it? If yes, take a nice long bath. Just don't drop your book/laptop in the bath!

I know your husband is going through a lot, and it's very easy to be the person on the outside looking in. But. Is he receiving counselling? Does he see a psychologist? Take antidepressants? (I know this last one may be contra-indicated by his chemo meds.) Because these things will help him deal with things better, which will let you have some desperately needed breathing space.

And finally, I read an article the other month (I think it was online, but a quick google search doesn't pull up the specific one I read) about the difficulties of being the carer to your partner. If you are having to do the caring, it's sometimes very very difficult to get back to the place where they're the person you promised to love and cherish. This ties in with the one above, but is there any way you can disassociate from that side of things a little, so that the time you do spend with your husband is positive time? :|

And don't feel guilty. (okay, I lied about the 'finally'.) It's not fair on you. Emotions like that are perfectly valid. If you (general you) are caring for a partner with a chronic illness, there have been studies done that show that your health levels are close to those of someone with major depression. You (you, now) are fighting off negative emotions as well and just because your husband has it worse off doesn't negate your feelings. This isn't a 'children are starving in africa so be grateful for what you've got' situation. :|

also, *hugs*.

Edited at 2009-11-11 12:25 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 11th, 2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
The depression has been overwhelming for both of us. He went on disability for it 2 years ago when he became non-functional at work. He's been getting shock treatments ever since then, because he hasn't been responding to medication. The shock treatments help slightly (enough that he keeps doing them), but not enough. And they create their own memory-loss/cognitive-impairment issues.

He's tried all the medications, and is still taking some now. But he's bipolar II, which is the depressive-depressive flavor, and no treatment in the last 2 years has worked particularly well. The cancer (and its misery) and the recent death of his mother makes all this harder.

his isn't a 'children are starving in africa so be grateful for what you've got' situation. :|
:D I love the phrasing of that-- it does help put things into perspective. :)

Thanks for all your kind thoughts, and for the hugs as well. I certainly need them!
Vel'ithya Tevrielvelithya on November 11th, 2009 11:56 pm (UTC)
That does sound like you guys have tried most of the avenues available to him. :| I wish there was more I could suggest, but other than 'medication' and 'psychologist' I don't really know that much about treating depression :|

:D I love the phrasing of that-- it does help put things into perspective. :)

I'm glad. Just because you don't have x, y or z doesn't make what you're feeling invalid, and that's important. You don't need to be fighting misplaced guilt/remorse/what have you on top of everything else!

Have another hug: *HUGS*
Princess Robot Bubblegum!astrothsknot on November 10th, 2009 01:09 pm (UTC)
Can you get some friends in to help you clear the rooms? Have the kids stay over night at their friends and just do that till it clear? You husband is ill, surely folk would help in that case?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 09:41 pm (UTC)
It's more the "big blocks of alone time" that I need and which are so hard to find. Before the chemo, HSH used to take the kids out of the house for a few hours once in awhile, which helped enormously.

Part of the problem is that HE's always at home, and since his depression reached the disabling stage he's become very emotionally needy, which exhausts me. In some ways, I suddenly find myself living my mother's life (where my Dad wants her to be in the same room with him at all times), which I never saw coming. :(
devon99 on November 10th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, never apologise for ranting. If you can't rant here then where can you? It's hard holding everything together for everyone else and I'd say you are doing a pretty fantastic job of it. Of course you're gonna have days where it all feels a little overwhelming and youre tired and just feel pretty rotten, but you know what sweetie. All that house stuff isnt really that important in the grand scheme of things, nor is it worth you stressing about. If you have any spare time, spend it on yourself, a relaxing bath, quiet reading time, a walk. You need to recharge too.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 10th, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the kind thoughts.

One of the things I honestly have missed most, in the last two years, is being alone in my own house. Unless everyone else is in bed (which has driven me to the bad habit of being up late at night), someone is always there, and they're usually making some kind of demand on me, even if it's just for attention. My husband just as much as the kids, which dates from his depression becoming so overwhelmingly crippling. *sigh* That's what wears me out, more than anything. :(
Genevieve: dwight and jim by abbey_road87msgenevieve on November 11th, 2009 11:16 am (UTC)
*hugs you*

I just caught up on all your news. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your MIL. I was in tears by the time I finished your post - what beautiful words you wrote about her. Please know that I'm thinking about you and HSH during this sad time.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 14th, 2009 03:04 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for your comments about my MIL. I hope that post captured some of the wonderfulness of knowing and loving her, and the sorrow of losing her. I was at the Dollar Store the other day, and suddenly found myself tearing up in the midst of the Christmas decorations as the sense of her not being here for Christmas suddenly hit me.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas with her last year, but you always hope for more. Knowing that she wouldn't have had the strength for it doesn't really change that. *hugs*
Genevieve: endless sky by cozette_asahimsgenevieve on November 14th, 2009 06:18 am (UTC)
It was a beautiful post, trust me.

I know the 'tearing up in awkward places' feeling. Turns out I can't listen to any Bing Crosby songs (always hard to avoid leading up to Christmas) without dissolving into tears at the moment - he was one of my Dad's favourites. This Christmas is going to be tough, isn't it? *hugs you*
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on November 14th, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)
Thank you, Claire.

I hate to be so negative, and after August I'm lucky most of my f-list is still with me after the stress tornado that flew through.

But it sure does help, and even moreso the sweet comments from friends like you make it easier. *hugs*