?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
23 September 2009 @ 10:50 pm
Supernatural Gen Fiction: "With No End In Sight" (Mystery Spot, PG)  
Title: With No End In Sight
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam, Dean (Gen)
Rating: PG
Summary (3x11, "Mystery Spot): Sam lost Dean again today…
Author's Notes: This was originally written for a friend's birthday, an experiment in poetry that I'd hoped would be a drabble on "Repetition." I can't force it down to 100 words without losing its essence, though, so it stands at 148 instead. At least it's no longer in first person...

x-x-x-x-x

He lost Dean again today—
again
after food poisoning, electrocution,
car accidents, knives,
and even bullets from his own gun.

Most days they hardly make it past breakfast.
Sam's hands shake, sitting at that damned diner
where nothing tastes good fifty times later,
especially knowing Dean'll be dead within hours.

Sam's afraid to change anything
(or nothing),
he hasn't found the key
that'll make this stop,
can't even leave town
without Dean dying along the way.

He's cried over Dean 'til he's raw,
held him close while his arms grew heavy.
Then the world tips back over to the beginning,
another verse of the day Dean dies
no matter how Sam tries to prevent it.

He needs a tomorrow where Dean survives,
where life finally moves forward again.
Sam wants out of this cycle of pain,
this trap,
of always missing Dean
even when he's sitting right there.


-------- fin --------

 
 
 
gunznammo2gunznammo2 on September 24th, 2009 01:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, Sam! And this: '...of always missing Dean even when he's sitting right there.' With that horrible lesson under his belt, the path he took distanced himself even more. I just want the brothers united again. Hurt..alot. Thank you, hon.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 24th, 2009 06:59 pm (UTC)
I just want the brothers united again.
Me too-- permanently, and with themselves emotionally "present" for all of it.
cindy: spn - ouija handstsuki_no_bara on September 24th, 2009 03:01 pm (UTC)
i like how circular this is - "the world tips back over to the beginning" - but man, it is so sad. :(
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on September 24th, 2009 07:01 pm (UTC)
i like how circular this is - "the world tips back over to the beginning"

I couldn't find a good way to get circle/ciruit/loop into the title, but that was definitely the idea behind all of this. At this point in Sam's life, that loop is painful and it feels infinite, when all he wants is Dean back again for real and to just have it stop.

The show went for the humor after awhile in that episode, but from Sam's perspective none of that was EVER funny, not for a single second. *sniffle*
Yo: SPN:  Sam BW for prettydreamlittleyo on September 24th, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
ooooh, interesting format and gorgeously done! I loved this!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 24th, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'd hoped the poetry part of it would be more, well, poetic, but it's been so long since I did poetry that this is really too free-form for that.

Still, all the thoughts I wanted are there, in all their punishing truth. Poor Sam-- how heartbreaking, hopeless, and lonely all of that would have been. :(
devon99 on September 24th, 2009 06:17 pm (UTC)
Completely loved this. I love to write poetry and to see you writing in this format made me squee. Fab as always:)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 24th, 2009 07:05 pm (UTC)
I wish it were better AS poetry, but I haven't done poetry in ages (except for something cracktastic for win_noncon), and I'm kind of rusty.

That's why this one's only being posted to the f-list, but I'm glad some of you are enjoying it! :)
brigid_tanner: boys-miles apartbrigid_tanner on September 24th, 2009 11:52 pm (UTC)
Ow! that hurt. In a good way. It's beautiful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on September 25th, 2009 12:50 am (UTC)
After "Mystery Spot," when I think of SPN and repetition it always comes back to this.

And oh, the unending agony of it all for Sam. :(
Kronette: SPN-What did Dean do to deserve thiskronette on September 25th, 2009 04:14 am (UTC)
This feels very much like the dispair Sam must have felt during the ep. While the episode had its funny moments, the undertone of helplessness was very strong.

PS-did you get my note about emailing me your address? I have SPN for you. jennifer_shipp "at" sbcglobal.net
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on September 25th, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)
While the episode had its funny moments, the undertone of helplessness was very strong.

One of the most difficult parts of it, which the show didn't really touch on (the last line of this poem says it all), is that every "day" Dean is there all over again, like nothing has happened, and Sam knows he's going to lose Dean again and can't stop it, and he can't even really talk to Dean about it. Dean doesn't "learn" over time, so every day Sam can only waste energy trying to convince Dean of something that seems ridiculous, and then lose him again anyway.

It must have been so lonely, going through that and not being able to turn to Dean and have him make you feel better, or at least understand what you're going through.

I'm so sorry about the delay in sending you my address-- if I don't do things immediately, they tend to slip my mind too readily these days. I've sent you email, and thanks so much for burning those eps for me!
Awash in Ennuifaunaana on September 29th, 2009 12:52 am (UTC)
Just to let you know, we've recced this in this week's crack_impala found here. =D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2009 06:53 am (UTC)
Thank you! And to think I didn't bother posting this one to the world, because I wasn't sure anyone would want to read it!
The Beauty and the Mess: Sammy Stained Glasslynzibell on September 29th, 2009 01:59 am (UTC)
This episode is my favorite and will always hurt!!! Thank you for posting this! I feel like so much of this part of the story has still yet to be told.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on September 29th, 2009 07:01 am (UTC)
There was so much richness in that episode-- of humor, of pain, of Sam's loneliness and frustration.

It's those last parts of the endless "day" that eventually got pushed aside in the episode itself. The show slanted toward the sick-humor angle, I'm sure as a bridge between the angsty beginning and end, but we lost the real horror of what that must have been like for Sam, watching Dean die over and over and wondering if the "reset-button" tomorrow would be coming the next time around. And he can't share his pain with Dean, can't listen to why the whole idea of it is ridiculous, or to the false assurances of how it's not going to happen this time and everything will be all right.

That sense of being alone even when Dean was there really drove the whole direction of this story. The ache of it, the hopelessness of ever really having Dean back... god, it would have been torture.

Until the Trickster showed him what it was like not to have Dean at all. *sniffle*

Such a powerful episode, for so many reasons!
The Beauty and the Mess: Woobie Hoodielynzibell on September 29th, 2009 03:44 pm (UTC)
Exactly! I liked the way the episode developed. I just also love the fact that there's so much left to the imagination and fic writers can make up there own "day".
Until the Trickster showed him what it was like not to have Dean at all. *sniffle*
I think that's the real tragedy. And I guess the tricksters "moral". It sucks watching Dean die, but not having him at all will royally suck! And hurt a lot!
counteragentcounteragent on September 29th, 2009 08:13 am (UTC)
Well done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 1st, 2009 03:19 am (UTC)
Thank you!
(Anonymous) on October 1st, 2009 02:35 am (UTC)
Great Verse!
That was great. I hesitated to read it because it was written in this style, but it was excellent! And I smiled when I read, "Then the world tips back over to the beginning,
another verse of the day Dean dies" because that shows how perfect this format is for this story. Very well done, and heartfelt. Love your writing!
Visionairy
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 1st, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
Re: Great Verse!
I had much the same thought about posting it, because while I do lots of drabbles and stories, poem versions of fics are rare and not usually terribly popular.

And I smiled when I read, "Then the world tips back over to the beginning, another verse of the day Dean dies" because that shows how perfect this format is for this story.
Not to mention what a sad episode this was-- Sam expects another day of Dean dying, he wishes to God they could return to being themselves, and he's terrified that maybe there IS no next day and this is it for good. Three choices, one of them unlikely, one heartbreaking, and the other the worst possible scenario of all.

I felt so bad for him with this episode-- such unrelenting dispair, and such loneliness.

Thanks for braving the format to read this! And I'm glad you felt it was worthwhile. :)
ErinRua: Samerinrua on October 1st, 2009 05:06 am (UTC)
*cries and clings*

Beautifully done, as ever. :-)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on October 1st, 2009 05:51 am (UTC)
That episode was one where I felt bad for laughing at the parts that were supposed to make me laugh (and did), because in the background of my mind was always how awful that was for Sam-- over a hundred times.

I know the Trickster thought that would help Sam let go, but he was wrong. I think it only made the ache worse afterward, and the entire process was torture. More like "Dickster" than "Trickster" in Sam's case. :(
I do not think it means what you think it means.tcs1121 on October 2nd, 2009 10:19 am (UTC)
Wow. Well done! So much said in so few words. Beautiful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on October 2nd, 2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
Thank so much!

I couldn't help wanting to tell Sam's side of this part of the story, because the humor distanced us a little from the horror of it all... but it never stopped being heartbreak for Sam.