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05 March 2009 @ 11:24 pm
Prison Break Gen Fiction: "Desperation Is Never Pretty" (Michael, Lincoln, PG-13, Crack)  
Title: Desperation Is Never Pretty
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Michael and Lincoln (Gen, Crack, Humor, All-Dialogue)
Rating: PG
Summary: AU Season 4 crack, which might be indistinguishable from the show at this point…
Warnings: Spoilers up through the S4 premiere. Also? Beverage Alerttm.
Author's Notes: An early birthday present for badboy_fangirl—hope you like it!
Also for prisonbreak100, this is "Hide."

x-x-x-x-x

"What the hell are you doing, Michael?"

"What does it look like? I'm working up a new disguise. And hand me that skirt."

"You cannot dress up as a woman."

"Yeah? Watch me."

"You have no hair, Michael."

"That's what wigs are for."

"Oh, come on. Remember your baseball cap? We got ID'd within a week."

"Well maybe if you'd made any kind of effort, we'd be rolling around in Westmoreland's money right now instead of hiding from the cops!"

"Still bitter, I see."

"Several million dollars bitter, to be exact. Not to mention doing time in Panama. Central American prison, Lincoln—you have no idea what that was like."

"I guess I don't. But do you really see this working? I mean, you're six feet tall, Michael!"

"So I'll wear flats. We went through all this before, back at Fox River, and look how great it turned out. So have a little faith instead of being such a party-pooper. Again."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Show a little enthusiasm, help a little even."

"I was on Death Row, Michael."

"Yeah, yeah—all I remember is you rubbing your head and moping around all the time, while I worked my butt off to spring you out of there."

"…"

"You're growling. I don’t see how that's helping, Lincoln. Now, do you have something different to put on? Because we're in a hurry, and you still look exactly like you."

"How much of a hurry—when were you planning to leave?"

"Five minutes. I want to be out of this country by nightfall. We've got a new set of fake passports, and there's a fresh set of wheels waiting around the corner."

"What about Sara?"

"Forget Sara—I'm tired of being jerked around. First she's dead, then she's not dead. The woman cannot commit."

"I hardly think that was her fault, Michael."

"Whatever. She's baggage, and we're on a short schedule. She can get on with her life, and work through her problems on her own time."

"Harsh."

"So not the time to be discussing this, Lincoln. Now throw your junk in a bag, so we can clear out of here."

"All right, all right. Though I'm definitely taking the booze—I can see I'm going to need it. Wait, is that lipstick?"

"Passionate pink. Goes with the hair."

"Um…"

"Okay, finished. Grab that duffel there, and I'll meet you downstairs. Let me just—wait, what the—oh my God… Does this skirt make my butt look big?"

"Oh yeah. Like a Buick."

"Lincoln!"


------- fin --------

 
 
 
shaitanah: michael/mahoneshaitanah on March 6th, 2009 12:55 pm (UTC)
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is pure WIN! Crossdressing Michael ftw!
First she's dead, then she's not dead. The woman cannot commit. This is twice more funny when you know that Michael would never even think of such a thing, what with his constant guilt complex and saving people complex and all that)))) God, I can't stop laughing at this fic~!!!! Awesome)))
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 6th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
This is twice more funny when you know that Michael would never even think of such a thing, what with his constant guilt complex and saving people complex and all that

I know-- it's so cruel and heartless, which is why it's so funny in a crack context. Kind of like the "SONA, Arma, Muerto, Loco" line where Lincoln says (of Michael), "Fucker clings like a monkey." It's funny because it's SO wrong. :D
dragontattdragontatt on March 6th, 2009 01:05 pm (UTC)
bwahahaha! loves it....now we need a sequel w/ a drunk!Lincoln making a pass at crossdressing!Michael....
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 6th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
Or dumping him by the side of the road to earn money by turning tricks. :0

So scary. :D
sassy, classy, and a bit smart-assy: LincMikelaughingbadboy_fangirl on March 6th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC)
I had to chortle at the *big butt* part as Wentworth is doing his Stay-Puft Marshmellow man again this season.

So have a little faith instead of being such a party-pooper. Again."
Yeah, Lincoln's such a PARTY-POOPER! LOLOLOL!

And Sara's commitment problem--yeah, I don't know why I didn't see that before!

Thanks, Karen. Very nice way to start the birthday celebrations! *hugs*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 6th, 2009 08:30 pm (UTC)
I had to chortle at the *big butt* part as Wentworth is doing his Stay-Puft Marshmellow man again this season.
Oh no! So it's even accurate. Well, just helps twist the knife a little more. ;)

Yeah, Lincoln's such a PARTY-POOPER! LOLOLOL!
All of that moping around on Death Row-- what a downer. Apparently all he needed was to suck it up and change his attitude. ;)

And Sara's commitment problem--yeah, I don't know why I didn't see that before!
That's why crack is the perfect form of cruelty sometimes.

I'm so glad you enjoyed this. Happy (tomorrow) birthday! *hugs back*
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 6th, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha! I'm a Sara fan, but oh my God, this made me laugh!

It's the cruelty of it all! First, the show actually did it (and that deserves to be mocked), but second... what an incredibly awful thing to say, as if she's responsible for it somehow. :0

Which, oddly enough, is why it's funny. Just like Michael complaining that Lincoln was annoyingly "mopey" back in prison. It's kind of evil!funny.

I'm so glad you liked it-- always happy to give people a good laugh. :D

Edited at 2009-03-06 09:25 pm (UTC)
happy is as happy does: Fangirly joyhappywriter06 on March 6th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)
"Well maybe if you'd made any kind of effort, we'd be rolling around in Westmoreland's money right now instead of hiding from the cops!"
Funny but true!

"So I'll wear flats. We went through all this before, back at Fox River, and look how great it turned out. So have a little faith instead of being such a party-pooper. Again."
The idea of Michael saying he'll wear flats is ridiculously funny. I can just imagine him being all 'it's no big deal.' And yes, Linc as Debbie Downer. Ha!

"Whatever. She's baggage, and we're on a short schedule. She can get on with her life, and work through her problems on her own time."
Wrong on so many levels but just about the funniest thing ever.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 7th, 2009 07:31 am (UTC)
I can just imagine him being all 'it's no big deal.'
Like they're just a regular part of his wardrobe, and then there's also the implication that he thinks he'll be totally, bulkily convincing as a woman. :0

Wrong on so many levels but just about the funniest thing ever.
Some of the best crack for me is the kind that skewers either a show's shortcomings and/or its deeply-emotional aspects. There was a hilarious SPN one set in S3 where Sam and Dean were constantly in tears, and the topic of Dean's Imminent Doom kept coming up again and again and setting them off. :0
Maz (or foxxy!): You gotta be kidding!tuesdaeschild on March 7th, 2009 10:27 am (UTC)
Oh bugger!!! Michael as the Mistress Master of Cunning Disguises?!! Well that cracked me up and then you go and hit me with Death Row Party Pooper Lincoln still looking like him and dead/not dead unable-to-commit Sara! Just. Too. Funny!!

"Passionate pink. Goes with the hair...wait, what the—oh my God… Does this skirt make my butt look big?"

Too hilarious for words! Cruelty, thy name is Halfshellvenus!! Loved it!! :D

Edited at 2009-03-07 10:28 am (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: TBag-Zilla OTPhalfshellvenus on March 7th, 2009 07:01 pm (UTC)
and then you go and hit me with Death Row Party Pooper Lincoln
:D It's so mean...

and dead/not dead unable-to-commit Sara!
And even meaner!

Sometimes, crack is really the best way to cope with certain situations (like the dead/undead one).

So glad you enjoyed it! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Clair de Lune: pb - brothers2clair_de_lune on March 7th, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC)
Bwahaha, I like it.

And I love this:
"Forget Sara—I'm tired of being jerked around. First she's dead, then she's not dead. The woman cannot commit."

And this:
oh my God… Does this skirt make my butt look big?

But I think I love even more Lincoln's reply - "Oh yeah. Like a Buick." *g*

Edited at 2009-03-07 01:27 pm (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on March 7th, 2009 07:02 pm (UTC)
I so could not resist mocking the dead/undead situation, because the show had it coming, but for Michael to turn that into a character flaw is the kind of thing crack is made of!

But I think I love even more Lincoln's reply - "Oh yeah. Like a Buick."
Way to soften those anxieties, Lincoln!

Hope this all gave you a good laugh. :D
alienmom: emo kidalienmom on March 9th, 2009 03:58 am (UTC)
too. damn. funny.

that is all! =>
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Starry Nighthalfshellvenus on March 9th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
Hee! I'm so glad you liked it!

And look what I still have ^^ *points to icon* :D
audiopineapple: PB: T-Bag (badass)audiopineapple on March 9th, 2009 10:20 am (UTC)
lol, that was funny.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB slashhalfshellvenus on March 9th, 2009 05:39 pm (UTC)
Yay! Glad to give you a good laugh. :D
tyrical: PB_Lincoln_1tyrical on May 5th, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
Wow bitchy much!
Yeah I would need liquid relief too!

However what killed me was the Sara bit. "The woman cannot commit." Too harsh, damned funny, but cold man!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Gen PB brothershalfshellvenus on May 5th, 2009 07:18 pm (UTC)
:D Michael fed-up and desperate (hey, I'd sure be fed up by now) is just too funny.

And "The woman cannot commit."-- that is SO wrong that I couldn't resist it.

Though really, dead/undead... that's exactly the kind of thing that messes with Michael's plans, and you know how he is about THAT. :D