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21 February 2009 @ 11:25 am
Supernatural Gen Fiction: "Out Of The Frying Pan" (Sam, Dean, Castiel, Humor, PG)  
Title: Out Of The Frying Pan
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Dean, Sam, Castiel (Gen, Humor, Crack)
Rating: PG
Summary: It's not the blind leading the blind, but it isn't a whole lot better, either…
Author's Notes: After The Answer-Man Needs A Vacation, annj_g80 mentioned wanting someone to teach Castiel to cook. This was the inevitable result.

x-x-x-x-x

"I don't understand why you want to learn about cooking. You never eat anything anyway."

Dean and Sam and Castiel were standing in the kitchenette of the Sea-Vue Motor Inn, a motel that formed the lone piece of commercial property in a dinky Southern Oregon coastal town. The town happened to be haunted, which was why the Winchesters were there in the first place.

Good thing they'd scoped the situation out ahead of time, and bought groceries on the way there. Although they'd been planning for just the two of them and whoever or whatever it was that needed the salt-and-burn treatment.

Funny how naïve those expectations seemed now.

"I wish to see some of the basic principles of cooking in action, with explanation."

"Uh huh," Dean said skeptically. "You know there are already cable channels for that kind of thing, right?"

"Angels cannot process television frequencies the way humans can. It distresses the locus animus."

"The what?"

"It hurts their brains, Dean," Sam put in. "In a manner of speaking."

"Precisely," Castiel agreed.

"Whatever." Dean sighed. He wasn't used to explaining things step-by-step anymore, now that Sam was all grown up. He'd always been more of a doer than a talker to begin with, and going backwards strained what little patience he had left. Castiel tended to have that effect on him anyway.

"All right," he finally said. "Sam and I are having toast and scrambled eggs and some stupid vegetables for dinner. So, Sam will put the bread in the toaster—make sure it's plugged in, and then you just push the lever down—and I'll handle the eggs."

Castiel nodded. "The machine cooks for you. Does it make those hamburger things you like?"

"Uh… not really," Sam answered. "Toasters are for bread."

"Crackers?"

"No, just bread." Sam rinsed some vegetables in the sink. "Now, see what I'm doing? Fruits and vegetables should be washed before eating."

"Like apple pie."

"No!" Dean interrupted in exasperation. "The idea of washing pie is practically heresy! Well, not heresy exactly, but it's really, really wrong."

"So, no pie then."

"No pie." Dean poured some milk in a bowl. "In fact, we don't wash desserts in general."

"They are eaten while still dirty?"

"Sam?" Dean pleaded.

"Forget the washing part for now." Sam handed Dean the eggs. "Let's concentrate on the rest."

"All right."

"So, you crack the eggs like this—" Dean started, only to have the bottom half break loose and fall into the bowl. "Nuts!"

"Would it not be faster to simply crush them?"

"Well, we don't eat the shells." Dean pulled the offending pieces out and picked up another egg. "That was just a mistake, before."

"I see."

I'll bet you do, smartypants. "And once you've got all the eggs in the bowl—without the shells—you whisk them around with a fork and mix in the milk."

"That does not look appetizing."

Sam took one look at his brother's expression and went to get Dean's flask out of his jacket.

"Thank god," Dean practically bellowed. "—zilla," he added quickly, remembering who else was there.

"Is this another ingredient?"

"Not remotely." Dean uncapped the lid and took a swig out of the flask. Then he had another. And another. And—

"All right, Dean. That's enough," Sam broke in.

"Easy for you to say," Dean muttered, fastening the lid again and handing the flask back to Sam. "Where was I?"

"You were mixing the slimy yellow concoction with a fork," Castiel offered.

"It's not—never mind. That part's done. We can move on to the cooking now." Rummaging in the cupboard next to the stove, Dean came up with a medium-sized frying pan. "We add butter to keep the eggs from burning—"

"And make them taste good," Sam added.

"—but not enough so they're greasy." Dean wiped the excess butter back onto the plate and set the knife down. "So then you turn on the burner and—"

*fwoom*

"For crying out loud, Dean!"

"Sonofabitch, I hate these places with gas burners! Whose idea was it to try to cook everything over a blowtorch, anyway?"

"The pan is black now."

"Yes, I know that, Castiel! It's black because it's burned." Dean dumped the pan into the sink and turned on the water, jerking back as the steam bubbled up and spat at him.

Castiel nodded. "So this part is to be discarded, then."

The growling noise that rose up in Dean's throat and tried to squeeze its way out was the final straw. He slapped the faucet off and headed for the parking lot, rain be damned.

Sam's voice was the last thing he heard as the door was closing:

"Let's talk about the basics of making a good salad…"


-------- fin --------

 
 
 
The Huntress: CastielFangirlshuntress69 on February 21st, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
Am cracking up now and daughter wants to know if I am okay. She peeks in room, sees me in front of laptop, sighs, rolls eyes, says "Oh," and backs out of room slowly, once again convinced she will be putting Mom in a home one day. And please write another one. And if you want, post this over at spn_castiel.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 21st, 2009 07:40 pm (UTC)
I knew there had to be a comm for Castiel fic. I've only written him in combination with tormenting Dean, but he is so wonderfully suited to that. :D

I'm so glad you liked it-- and there is another one, only in this case it was posted previously! (back 2 entries)

So glad you enjoyed it! :D
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2009 05:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 22nd, 2009 09:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
annj_g80: DW - Queen is amusedannj_g80 on February 21st, 2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
Exactly what I imagined. Poor Dean *lol*.

Okay, you know... there's this idea in my head. And it's got to do with doing laundry. Not that I'm implying something... but don't ya think, Castiel needs to know about that, too? *blinks innocently*

Just checking. Never mind me thinking loudly.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 22nd, 2009 09:08 am (UTC)
Hahaha! I'm not falling for that again. ;)

I've got some birthday fic obligations, too, though this idea was definitely worth the detour!

Thanks for the suggestion. :D
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 06:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
shaitanah: castielshaitanah on February 21st, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC)
ROOOFL! Dorky Castiel rocks))
Also, this phrase: "Thank god," Dean practically bellowed. "—zilla," he added quickly, remembering who else was there. killed me! XDDD
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 22nd, 2009 09:09 am (UTC)
I can so see poor Dean pouncing on that alcohol to deal with his frustrations, and I can also see him revising his language a little as he so rarely does. Primarily after-the-fact, because he still doesn't have much of a brain-to-mouth filter. ;)
CaffieneKitty: pondercaffienekitty on February 21st, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
Yay! Dean cooks like me! I love Castiel's avid and unbiased absorption of all the aspects of the proceedure, and Dean's frustration at having to explain something while he's screwing it up. Bet Sam's glad Ruby doesn't ask him to explain things.

Castiel being fascinated by things humans do makes total sense though, given his stated stance on them being his Father's works of art. It's like if your Dad made cuckoo clocks, you'd want to know how they worked, but since Castiel's Father's not a direct Prescence for him, he's trying to figure things out by analysing the clocks, which he never got to play with before. Which I guess, in turn, would be Castiel trying to figure out his Father via his works. Hm.

Pardon me, I appear to have spilled meta in your perfectly fine crack. Let me get a mop. :-P
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
Really? Have you fwoomed anything in the kitchen lately? Always seems like a possibility when cooking with gas.

I lived in the Midwest for 3 years (my only encounter with cooking by gas), and I wasted a good half hour on not cooking chicken because I didn't understand how the gas version of the broiler worked. :0

I love Castiel's avid and unbiased absorption of all the aspects of the proceedure, and Dean's frustration at having to explain something while he's screwing it up.
Having to explain it to begin with, for no good reason as far as Dean can see, probably leads to the screwing up too. It's self-creating!

Pardon me, I appear to have spilled meta in your perfectly fine crack. Let me get a mop. :-P
Heh-heh! So much better than "ZOMG-- roolz," though. I'll never complain! :D
(no subject) - caffienekitty on February 23rd, 2009 05:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
I don't really see how Castiel could resist pestering him, now that he knows how easy it is to do.

But even if it's not deliberate, the results are nearly guaranteed!

What a fascinating icon that is, BTW. :)
Elaeazephelaeazeph on February 21st, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
*cackles delightedly* That was wonderful! I love it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad it made you laugh. :D
happy is as happy does: LMAO - SPNhappywriter06 on February 21st, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC)
*wipes tears* Castiel so curious. Dean so annoyed. Sam so patient. I love them this way.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
I like the different dynamic that comes of Sam being there too. Both ways are fun, but he's both more patient than Dean and yet also fully understanding of why Castiel makes Dean kind of nuts. :0
(no subject) - happywriter06 on March 1st, 2009 12:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
Pix: [SPN] That winged man by your soulpixel_0 on February 21st, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC)
Hee! I am really enjoying these little glimpses of Castiel trying to learn all the strange and fascinating ways of being human. Ahaha, I especially liked Sam here: "Let's talk about the basics of making a good salad…" Oh Sammy...

Excellent! :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
Oh Sammy...
Way to cover for your brother's tantrum, huh? Not to mention the scorched cookware. ;)

Castiel must wonder if this is how these things are supposed to go, or whether all humans are actually as incompetent as Dean sometimes appears to be. Little knowing that he,himself, is the reason that happens!
cutedevil666cutedevil666 on February 21st, 2009 10:24 pm (UTC)
ahaha this is cute!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
Yay! I'm so glad you liked it! \o/
cindy: spn - time for a swear word (by phangurltsuki_no_bara on February 22nd, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
oddly enough, this fic makes me want scrambled eggs.... fortunately i won't have to explain how to make them to any random curious angels who might appear.

castiel's earnest interest is really cute, as is dean appealing to sam to help him out a little, please. (this exchange cracked me up: "we don't wash desserts in general. "they are eaten while still dirty?" "sam?" hee.)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
"we don't wash desserts in general. "they are eaten while still dirty?" "sam?" hee.

That kind of persistence along the wrong path is exactly the kind of thing I would expect to drive Dean completely crazy. It was bad enough having to explain everything to begin with, but to have to keep trying to yank back the detour has got to be all the more frustrating! :0
June: TV Series: SPN: Castiel  heart <3<3big_heart_june on February 22nd, 2009 12:41 am (UTC)
You made me laugh so insanely hard!! Loved this! loved your Sammy voice too! that last line....*grins*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:33 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you had fun reading this-- and that you found Sam charming in it too. It's a fine line he's walking, trying not to set Dean off and trying to be helpful to Castiel at the same time. So very Sam, really!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:34 am (UTC)
Poor Dean-- not only will Castiel not leave, but he takes even the simplest things and snarls them back on themselves.

Which is all the more punishing for someone like Dean, who had no real patience to begin with. ;)
brigid_tanner: Bobby-laughingbrigid_tanner on February 22nd, 2009 04:47 am (UTC)
LMAO!! Started laughing at "It hurts their brains, Dean," and giggled till I finished.

"You were mixing the slimy yellow concoction with a fork," Castiel offered. I'm with Cas on this one ;)

Love Sam bringing Dean the flask and playing backup as Dean tries to explain things. So glad Sam finally gets a turn teaching Castiel.

AWESOME!! So much fun to read. Thanks for the laughter!

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
I'm with Cas on this one ;)
I love scrambled eggs, but they look absolutely frightening before they're cooked. :0

So glad Sam finally gets a turn teaching Castiel.
Now that the original dinner is ruined, Sam can gracefully pretend that doesn't matter and keep on going without missing a beat. ;)

So glad you enjoyed this! We could all use more laughter, and I'm just hoping to do my part. :)
layne: spn castiellayne67 on February 22nd, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
"No pie." Dean poured some milk in a bowl. "In fact, we don't wash desserts in general."

"They are eaten while still dirty?"


BWAHAHAHAHA

Oh Castiel ... Kripke so needs to make one comedic episode with Castiel in it. And how on earth could Jared'nJensen keep a straight face with what Manny Skerrit had done?!? :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:38 am (UTC)
Oh Castiel ... Kripke so needs to make one comedic episode with Castiel in it.

I really, really wish he would. The potential is pure gold! And watching Dean get tweaked again and again is always hilarious. He loves doing it to other people, and finds it completely unfunny when it happens to him. :D
Monoran_cl on February 22nd, 2009 08:15 am (UTC)
"The idea of washing pie is practically heresy! "
"Thank god," Dean practically bellowed. "—zilla," he added quickly, remembering who else was there.


LOL I adore your fics XD Thx for posting it and Please write more hee!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you liked these-- what a volatile combination there is in Dean vs. Castiel's simple questions. Hard to figure out if Castiel is making Dean nuts, or if Dean is just making himself more nuts. :)