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28 February 2006 @ 10:29 pm
Supernatural Musings: Dean finally said it...  
... and it didn't change Sam's heart. And I know why it didn't-- and shouldn't-- but it's still just Heartbreak. I saw the slashy possibilities in that scene as much as anyone, but mostly I saw a lot of Lost Child in Dean this episode, and very much so in that scene. mooyoo said it on her journal: it's the child's desire to go back to what was 'perfect,' when everyone was together and happy, and not understanding that that time has passed. There is no such place.

It's worse because you know that, for Dean, given what he expects to do with his life (and thinks that he should be doing), that's as good as it's ever going to get. It was so painful to watch him struggle through saying that, and to still be told "No" in the end. Jensen rocked my socks off with this episode's acting in his angsty scenes, and that one was the prizewinner.

These are stolen from comments I made in maygra's journal...

The biggest heartbreak of this episode was Dean finally saying what he's never said and has tried to avoid saying, and then... it didn't make a difference. Not from Dean's perspective. He knows Sam loves him, but Sam won't stay-- and given that he's a key component of what passes for happiness in Dean... *Sigh*. Just made me think, this is how we teach people not to reveal their feelings-- we pass over them or punish them if we do.

And yet, I totally understand Sam's not wanting that. I feel worse that this is all Dean aspires to, actually.

At the end, I may have gotten something different from that last scene than most people. I saw Sam feeling what Dean had felt before-- having to let someone go that you'd finally gotten back, when every part of you was screaming to hang onto them. And I saw Dean realizing that Sam feels that now, and maybe understands... but it still didn't make Dean feel any better (he was the most teary-eyed of anybody in that last scene with their dad, it seemed).

Hmmm. *Unpopular opinion warning* I am again not feeling the Papa Winchester love. I get that he loves his boys, and I truly believe he does-- and that he's doing what he thinks is right. But at the same time, that militaristic interaction they have with him really rubs the wrong way, and the fact that Dean can't fathom normalcy-- will never have his own children and family for instance... I know their father didn't do that to them on purpose, but it still reflects very badly on him in my book. He's a gray character (like a real person)-- he's not going to go much closer to the white for me, that's for sure. *Sorry*

I still hate the Meg actress, but I do like the Daddy Winchester actor (more than his character).

Interesting noire overtones to this episode (it was mostly endless night throughout), and it amused me no end that it was set in Chicago but yet... who could tell? :0 Granted, I haven't been ALL over Chicago, but this looked like any bar and any warehouse district of any large city. Where's the creepiness down by the lake? The Els? The River? Budget. What was that? Budget. Damnit, can't you pull your asses out of Vancouver at least once a season?

Loved the daevas, though.
Ice-T: an actor, also a refreshing beveragefiddleyoumust on March 1st, 2006 12:18 pm (UTC)
I know this is going to sound completely wierd... but this episode actually made me think of my favorite poem. It's called Fiddler Jones by Edgar Lee Masters... and basically it pretty much says if you're good at something, then that's what you have to do in life. You just can't help it. Of course.... that poem is happy... and Dean's destiny isn't. But, it's what he was meant to do. Must go to work now.. but I have more to say on this. I'll be back!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on March 1st, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
Of course.... that poem is happy... and Dean's destiny isn't. But, it's what he was meant to do.
And that's where there's so much (beautiful) pain. Because his father raised him with this as his destiny, and it offers no resolution or happiness for him.

Your job as a parent is to raise confident, happy children that can make their own way in the world and find lasting happiness and satisfaction, if at all possible. That isn't how Dean turned out. He can't leave his family emotionally, because that is all that he has. And he can't find lasting happiness and satisfaction because that's incompatible with the life and mission his father set him off on.

His father has set him up to be emotionally unfulfillable, to never have his own family (something John DID have himself, even though part of it was taken away from him). Dean will likely never love or stay with anyone outside of John and Sam. Essentially, he is forever crippled by how he was raised.

That burns me up, big time. It is part of what went into the "Moon Child" dream in that last fic I wrote. It was putting Sam in the place of Dean's father, and seeing what their real father (and their circumstances) had done to Dean. From a happy-go-lucky, energetic little boy (which you can still see glimpses of from time-to-time) to one that lives in darkness, seeks darkness, and cannot enjoy the light any longer.

That's a lot of meta, I know, but it was why that particular dream was born.

Must go to work now.. but I have more to say on this. I'll be back!
Yes, enough about me! I look forward to what YOU have to say when you return!
Ice-T: an actor, also a refreshing beveragefiddleyoumust on March 1st, 2006 10:44 pm (UTC)
I actually agree 100% with everything you've said. I just sort of take a different stand on the whole issue. I think that this life was definitely chosen for Dean, but it was also chosen for Sam, and he decided to change his destiny to one that fit better with his idea of happiness. Was John wrong to drag his children into his crusade? Yes... probably. But in the end, once we hit adulthood, I think we have to stop blaming our parents for everything they've done wrong and take control of our own destiny.

Can Dean just ignore everything he knows is out there the way Sam seems to be able to? I think not. He's always going to know that someone out there needs his help. He's always going to want to help them. I think he'll eventually find his happiness in that. If you get the opportunity to be a hero... I think you have to take it. I really sort of see Dean as a Buffy type character. Someone who's willing to give up his own personal happiness to ensure the happiness of many others. Does it suck for them? Definitely... but there must be something worthwhile in it too or they wouldn't do it.

After much thought over this episode, I can't really distinguish who I think is right or wrong. I kind of think all three of them are doing exactly what they can. That's really all any of us do... what we can. John couldn't live with himself until he got to the truth and now he needs his revenge. I really can't judge him on this... I can only say I would have done it differently if it had been my family. Dean needs to go on saving people as a way to connect with his father. Sam needs to go find his own way separate from a family he feels smothered by. They're all doing exactly what they have to do to survive. It just makes me really sad that they all end up so separate because of their choices.

In conclusion, I want to hug all of them... except John who I kind of want to kick. Only because he was the adult and should have made better decisions for his boys despite the fact that he was suffering. And... I'm done.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on March 2nd, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
A big fat WORD to everything above.

What hurts (aside from... Sam? You're breaking Dean's heart. You could at least hug him now) is that, as you say, each of them has to do what he must-- and for all three, it is incompatible with what the others need and want.

But I'm still not entirely sure Dean had a choice. I think Dean's love for Sam (given Sam a "second" parent) gave Sam the resilience to leave. I think that without that, Sam might have wound up much like Dean. Emotionally chained to their father, unable to leave or to envision that they don't necessarily have to do this, or to even do it forever.

Even soldiers tend to retire, if they live long enough to choose that.