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19 February 2009 @ 11:31 pm
Supernatural Gen Fiction: "The Answer Man Needs A Vacation" (PG, Humor)  
Title: The Answer-Man Needs A Vacation
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Dean, Castiel (Gen, Humor)
Rating: PG
Summary: Funny how it's the mundane things that can really get you down…
Author's Notes: For fox1013's Gen Fic Battle. I picked the prompts of "Castiel" and "shave."

x-x-x-x-x

"What is this you are doing?"

Dean jumped, both at the sound of the voice and the sudden appearance in the mirror of Castiel standing behind him. "Jesus!"

"You are mistaken."

Of all the irritating— "Why do you just appear like that? And we talked about the bathroom thing once already!"

"The door was open."

So it was. Dean swallowed a sigh. He couldn't really complain, he supposed, not when the angel was finally getting a little smarter.

"There is something on your face."

Dean picked up the razor again. "What, you've never seen shaving cream before?"

"I thought humans did not wear their food."

That was new. "It's more like lotion. You put it on when you're going to shave. See? Watch." Dean stroked the razor in a smooth path down his cheek, and lifted it again for another pass.

Castiel suddenly leaned forward, as if he wanted a closer look, and—

"Ow!" Dean dropped the razor in the sink. "Personal space, Castiel!"

"Your body is leaking."

Dean grabbed a piece of toilet paper. "I know you're familiar with blood."

"Yes. But what is the purpose of inflicting injury upon oneself?"

"This is not how it usually goes." Dean scowled as he dabbed the cut and stuck a small piece of paper on to stop the bleeding. "And I usually don't have an audience, either."

"So bleeding is not the purpose."

The conversation was even more irritating than usual. Dean swiped his thumb over the edge of his jaw to clear away some of the shaving cream. "This is beard hair, and for humans it grows all the time. Well, for men anyway. Mostly. And guys who don't want beards, shave it off." He smoothed the nearby cream around to cover up the bare spot again. "Don't you shave? I mean, you don't have a beard. Though your skin isn't exactly smooth, either."

"This body does not change, now that I am in it."

"Oh." Well that was kind of a relief, Dean thought. At least, as far as the knife wounds he'd personally inflicted during their first meeting were concerned, anyway. "I don't suppose you cut your hair, either. Good thing you didn't pick Sam's body to inhabit."

"I do not understand."

"Never mind." Dean finished the left side of his face, and moved on to the right. "Did you come here just to ask me about human grooming habits, or was there something else?"

"Ten children will be born to ten fallen women in the coming weeks. It is a sign. It must be dealt with."

"Uh…"

"What does this 'Uh' mean?"

Why the hell wasn't Sam here to handle this? "It means you'd better run that one by management again, because Sam and I… we don't go after humans."

"Oh." Castiel seemed puzzled by the answer. "That does not matter now. It is already done."

"What?"

"While we were speaking. It has been taken care of."

Thank god—what a relief. He'd have to try stalling Castiel more often, if this was how things turned out.

"What is this metal object on the counter?"

Oh for crying out loud… "It's a fingernail clipper. I suppose you don't know what that's for, either."

"In fact, I do not. Please demonstrate."

Dean's jaw clenched, and he vowed to make Sam pay for abandoning him to the angel yet again. "Seriously, don't you have someplace else to be?"


-------- fin --------


Guess what? There's another one now. :D

 
 
 
Cass E. Pants: SPN - dean and coffee hmmmmcass404 on February 20th, 2009 07:44 am (UTC)
"Your body is leaking."

Oh, Cas, honey. You are so not a person. I am amused by this in fic. Terrified by it on the show, but very amused when my friends get a hold of you...
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 07:47 am (UTC)
You are so not a person.

Hahahaha! It's so true!

And so necessary to exploit. ;)
(no subject) - labseraph on February 23rd, 2009 02:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 23rd, 2009 03:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 08:37 am (UTC)
Is nowhere safe anymore?

Well, apparently not where Dean is concerned. ;)
Antyantychan on February 20th, 2009 12:08 pm (UTC)
"Jesus!" "You are mistaken."

*snickers*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
I'll bet Dean's never heard that one before!

Some people non-humans are so literal-minded. ;)
(no subject) - antychan on February 20th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
brigid_tanner: Castiel-infuriating bastardbrigid_tanner on February 20th, 2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
LOL! Love how Castiel doesn't understand so much humans do. He's going to get into trouble with Dean demonstrating things though. Who knows what else Dean may think he should know?

"This body does not change, now that I am in it." Explains a lot.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
He's going to get into trouble with Dean demonstrating things though. Who knows what else Dean may think he should know?

Dean: "It's like this. You pull up to the stoplight and hunker down, and you look over at the guy in the next car while you rev the accelerator. And then the light changes and you hit the gas!"

Castiel: And what does this 'street racing' accomplish?

Dean: *groan*

Your icon cracks me up, as usual. ;)
(no subject) - brigid_tanner on February 22nd, 2009 04:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
annj_g80: DW - Queen is amusedannj_g80 on February 20th, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC)
*lol* Could please anyone teach Castiel how to cook, too? That'd be awesome... and messy :-D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
Could please anyone teach Castiel how to cook, too?

You know, the horrifying question of whether Dean or Sam knows how to cook kind of surfaces there. "So you turn on the burner and--" *fwoom*

Hmmm. This gives me ideas. ;)
(no subject) - annj_g80 on February 20th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 21st, 2009 07:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
moodswingers: nekotruckmoodswingers on February 20th, 2009 01:48 pm (UTC)
I am insanely fond of "Castiel is confuse by human ways" fics, and this was hilarious. Nice job. <3
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
Hee-hee! Thank you!

Who knew an angel in a trenchcoat would be such a good straight man?
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
It has got to seem that way, nearly every time the two of them collide. ;)
cindy: spn - dean facepalm (by mixedbatch)tsuki_no_bara on February 20th, 2009 03:07 pm (UTC)
"jesus!" "you are mistaken." heee. i feel kind of bad for dean, because sometimes dealing with castiel is like dealing with a four-year-old - what's this? what's this? what does that do? why are you doing that? - but it's still really funny.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
i feel kind of bad for dean, because sometimes dealing with castiel is like dealing with a four-year-old - what's this? what's this? what does that do? why are you doing that? - but it's still really funny.

Haha! Perfect description, too, because even when you explain things the idea doesn't always make it all the way through. :0
ladyamarraladyamarra on February 20th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
*snorts* adorable. *giggles* Just adorable.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thank you very much! :D
Pix: [SPN] That winged man by your soulpixel_0 on February 20th, 2009 04:20 pm (UTC)
Haha! "Jesus!" "You are mistaken."

Oh, I really liked this one! I am now heartily in favor of having Castiel learn all sorts of new human things. This was excellent, m'dear! :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC)
One of the things I find so hysterical in writing these Dean vs. Castiel stories is the way in which Castiel mostly fails to learn human things, even when Dean tries to explain how they work.

There always seems to be this huge opportunity for misunderstanding, in the must frustrating and unexpected ways. :D
a rearranger of the proverbial bookshelf: Castiel - raggedembroiderama on February 20th, 2009 05:41 pm (UTC)
Heee, I love his fascination with human minutiae.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
It's all foreign territory to him, though I can imagine it would be especially mystifying if you're running around in a human body but your mere presence means that it doesn't work the way most human bodies do.

What are all those human implements for? And why do humans eat so often, and choose the foods that they do?

And what is the purpose of all that flannel? ;)
Not Quite by Firelight: Boys on the Bustahirire on February 20th, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
LOL, Run it by management. ♥
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 07:52 pm (UTC)
I can see how Castiel would not begin to understand what that meant.

OR why Dean would be so reluctant to handle the task he'd presented. If ever there were something for "management" to handle on its own, it would be that. :0
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 20th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
I don't think it's humanly possible to get more them in so few words.

Hahaha! I think I need to frame this comment, for its awesomeness. \o/
(no subject) - kronette on February 21st, 2009 05:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on February 21st, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
thandie: dean+castiel=otpthandie on February 20th, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)
OMG this is so unbearably cute! I love those two together :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 21st, 2009 09:43 am (UTC)
It's sure fun to write them, especially considering how little patience Dean has to begin with! :D
janissa11: facepalmjanissa11 on February 20th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
Okay, that is DARLING. HEEEEEE! "You are mistaken." *snickers*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on February 21st, 2009 09:43 am (UTC)
Hahaha! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! \o/