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23 June 2008 @ 12:38 pm
Supernatural Gen Fiction: Dead Man Walking (Dean, PG)  
Title: Dead Man Walking
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Dean and Sam (Gen, Drama)
Rating; PG
Summery: Mid- Season 3, this is how Dean survives the waiting.
Author's Notes: For my Switch_25 challenge, this is "Disconnection." I started this back in November, not realizing that it was nearly finished!

x-x-x-x-x

The days are getting shorter, rushing by too quickly.

One hero-savior-soldier mission after another, just to fill the silence. That lifetime ago is gone now, the one where it all meant something, where he used to believe. Faith is a luxury Dean no longer has.

The quiet is short-lived, smooth breaths broken by the knowledge of what's coming. Nothing lasts forever, least of all him.

"Talk to me, Dean," Sam says—his voice a tether to the present. He doesn't understand why it's easier to sink into hedonism, or to chase the familiar rhythm of hunting and slip cleanly through unmarked hours. Dean thrives on the denial that makes surviving his timeline possible.

"Where are you going?" Sam asks, on those nights when Dean just has to get out from under the agony of his fate. Dean can't explain what he's looking for, the need to be touched with heat and desire and not the slightest hint of pity. Sam doesn't know that even the weight of his eyes on Dean is a plea for a miracle Dean can't provide.

Back seats, back rooms—Dean's own rented bed when he's shameless enough to return there and send Sam away. More and more often it's joyless, just a distraction from the inevitable.

Bedding all these strangers makes Dean feel lonelier than ever.

He knows he's still alive because he still wakes up from those nightmares that show him the future. Otherwise, he would wonder—haunted by Sammy's pain, his own soul a fading shadow in the blinding sun, it could all be Hell or just the bleakness of a world without hope.

They might even be the same.

Sam's says he's tired of the gallows humor, but Dean doesn't have the energy to find new ways to keep them from falling apart.

All he can do is hang on through another day, knowing they'll run out long before he's ready. Then he'll be gone.

In some ways, he already is.


--------- fin --------

 
 
 
pretty pink porn master jedivamptastica on June 23rd, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
ouch. that was painful. it feels like deans soul is being stretched like elastic and it's gonna reach that final point and just break.

beautiful sweetie.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
it feels like deans soul is being stretched like elastic and it's gonna reach that final point and just break.
Yes-- and at least we know now that the point where it breaks is when he realizes that he IS worth more than just the waiting and the self-sacrifice.

But oh, what a painful road to get there.

Thanks for reading. :)
ErinRua: Bless meerinrua on June 23rd, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
Oh, honey. It's been a while since you broke my heart so beautifully. *sniff*

This is perfect. You captured S3 Dean perfectly, and with such bitter poignancy, plus the psychology works so achingly well. I'm gonna quit abusing adjectives, now, and just go think warm, fuzzy, puppy thoughts for Dean. And Sammy, too. *sniffs*

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC)
It's been a while since you broke my heart so beautifully. *sniff*

If I'd realized this wanted to be such a short piece, I might have finished it ages ago. Only the last 5 paragraphs are recent - you can almost tell that the early parts were written in early S3, when that whole mood of chasing emptiness was so fresh.

plus the psychology works so achingly well.
I was so frustrated with him in early S3 because of how he was handling things, that writing his POV helped me see him better. Avoidance and denial and trying to outrun his fate are the only ways Dean can cope with any of it. Too bad it only makes things harder for Sam. :(

So glad you liked this, Erin, and that it feels true to you. ♥
Pheebs1pheebs1 on June 23rd, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Lovely. I especially liked this line: All he can do is hang on through another day, knowing they'll run out long before he's ready.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
I said it in another story, that final year with Sam is as much a curse as it is a gift. The waiting is so hard, and the measuring out every day and experience you'll never have again... it becomes all about survival instead of living. :(
Serena64serena64 on June 23rd, 2008 08:09 pm (UTC)
Beautiful and heartbreaking. Thanks
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Serena. Oh, Dean-- happiness was never meant to be yours. :(
shaitanah: sophiashaitanah on June 23rd, 2008 08:13 pm (UTC)
A perfect take on the "time is running out" theme))) So painful! T_T *hugs Dean*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
A perfect take on the "time is running out" theme
I've written it from Sam's side (because I understand his frustration very well), but writing it from Dean's side shows why he's doing this all wrong... and can't think of any better way.
Jojo: Djojothecr on June 23rd, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC)
Oh my God, this hurts. Beautifully, but too much.
Poor Dean, it's like being terminally ill, knowing you've got only one year to live and that then it won't be better, but only worse and worse.
S3 is so painful and I even haven't seen it all. :(

Amazing work ♥
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 23rd, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
Poor Dean, it's like being terminally ill, knowing you've got only one year to live and that then it won't be better, but only worse and worse.
It IS like that, and in some ways worse - because while a terminal illness will take so much of your strength and enjoyment, it will also leave you ready to embrace the peace of having it end.

Dean is doomed to fear it through to the end.

So glad you enjoyed this, AND that I didn't spoil you for the end of S3 (this was begin about 2 months in, and shows no more than that). :)
iamstealthyoneiamstealthyone on June 23rd, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC)
So much aching in this piece. I feel for both boys, but especially for Dean, who’s under so much strain.

Nicely done.

Favorite lines:

The quiet is short-lived, smooth breaths broken by the knowledge of what's coming.

Nicely phrased.

Dean can't explain what he's looking for, the need to be touched with heat and desire and not the slightest hint of pity.

Oh, Dean.

Sam doesn't know that even the weight of his eyes on Dean is a plea for a miracle Dean can't provide.

Oh, boys.

All he can do is hang on through another day, knowing they'll run out long before he's ready. Then he'll be gone.

In some ways, he already is.


*whimpers*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)
I feel for both boys, but especially for Dean, who’s under so much strain.
I've done Sam's side of this (in a Wincest story), and a little of Dean's side... but not the all-out look at why he can't figure out any other way to handle what's happening, why he's just trying to survive the situation he's in.

That last year was pretty much the definition of a "mixed blessing." *sigh*
celia_goesfactoids on June 23rd, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
it hurts, but it hurts so good. this really feels like dean, loved it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Listening Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
it hurts, but it hurts so good.
:D I know exactly what you mean-- I feel that over and over again, with the Winchesters.

this really feels like dean
That makes me very happy to hear. Thank you!
brigid_tanner: Dean-breakingbrigid_tanner on June 24th, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
Damn, that's beautifully bleak. I think this is my favorite line:
Dean thrives on the denial that makes surviving his timeline possible. But it's hard to pick just one. Wanna hug Dean and make it all better for him now.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, Season Three... it killed us almost as torturously and painfully as it sought to kill Dean. *sniffle*
cutedevil666: Winchesteroncarcutedevil666 on June 24th, 2008 12:23 am (UTC)
Wow- that was amazing.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It feels like I finally understood what drove Dean to be so impossibly frustrating during Season Three, which was as much a relief to me as anything. It makes a difference, knowing that he couldn't figure out any other way to be.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
Wow-- thank you! *is thrilled* :)
One Girl Revolution1grl_revolution on June 24th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
Owie. That was beautifully heartbreaking. Lovely job. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! :)
Donna: dean?withdiamonds on June 24th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
I can't imagine what that must be like, to have a countdown of a very specific number of days. I've thought about it a lot this season, and this way of looking at it feels so real, so lonely.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
I've thought about it a lot this season, and this way of looking at it feels so real, so lonely.
The loneliness was what really struck me here-- Dean feels that he can't turn to Sam, in part because he knows he's abandoning Sam and because he feels it's always his job to reassure Sam when this time it's Dean who needs the comfort.

And I think all of this is made worse by the fact that although Dean's scared and miserable over all of this, given that choice of whether he lived or Sam did... I think he'd still make that exact same choice again. No-one else will ever understand that, or forgive him for it.
Princess Robot Bubblegum!astrothsknot on June 24th, 2008 02:35 pm (UTC)
Aw, Dean
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
*Sigh* That's pretty much Season Three in a nutshell, isn't it? You never stop feeling bad for him, not for long. *sniffle*
lily_lou on June 24th, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
That was amazingly painful and beautiful and real.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 24th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! That this feels reel to so many people makes me very, very happy. :)