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19 March 2008 @ 09:59 am
Supernatural Gen Drabble: Look At Me (PG)  
Title: Look At Me
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam and Dean (Gen)
Rating: PG
Summary: Post-"Pilot" drabble for 100_ghosts: Even here, Sam's still somehow miles away.


x-x-x-x-x

Look at me. It drives Dean's waking thoughts.

He's tried both small-talk and silence for weeks, trying to heal Sam's distance and pain. But the miles don't matter— time doesn't, Dean doesn't. Sam's as angry as he is distraught. He never wanted to come back.

The next town or case might change things. It hasn't yet— Sam still clings to that life where Dean never belonged.

Are you mad at me? Most days Sam acts like Dean's not there.

God, I missed you.

Four years later it isn't over. Sam's finally here beside him, but Dean's as lonely as before.


-------- fin --------

 
 
 
elanurelelanurel on March 19th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)
That was lovely, as always. I am once again in awe as to how you can take 100 words and make me feel like I've just been sucker punched.

This just feels right, between Sam's anger and Dean's grief.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

It is bad to say that I kind of miss this aspect of Season One? One of the things that was so compelling early in the show was that you could feel how much Dean had missed Sam all those years but that for a variety of reasons, Sam was still holding back. Oh, the ache!
(no subject) - elanurel on March 19th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - elanurel on March 22nd, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
cindy: spn - dean looks away (by oxoniensis)tsuki_no_bara on March 19th, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)
*reaches for tissues* man, poor dean. he just couldn't get through, and he really desperately wanted to.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
I remember how much that part of Season One just hurt-- the way Dean was so happy to have Sam there again, while Sam so desperately wanted to be just anywhere else. *sniffle*
smilla: lips_eyes_deansmilla02 on March 19th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
What hurts most of all are those things Dean doesn't say aloud. I can imagine the words pushing and pushing and Dean chasing them down. Poor Dean!
Great drabble.
Deadbeat Nymph: dean stubble softdeadbeat_nymph on March 19th, 2008 07:56 pm (UTC)
Hi! I don't know you, but I just wanted to say that your avatar is gorgeous! (I'm totally jealous.)
(no subject) - smilla02 on March 19th, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
larienelengasse on March 19th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, well done. I like how you explore that side of Dean. It's brief, but very poignant.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:26 pm (UTC)
I miss Season One achy (but not doomed) Dean so much. The emotion was so rich without feeling hopeless. *sigh*
Entendre? Make mine a double.: SN brothers stillnessdeirdre_c on March 19th, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
Oh BOYS! *wibble*

Excellent, hon.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Listening Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
How I miss the ache of Season One! The epic dysfunction that was Sam and Dean both apart and together. *sigh*

Edited to fix really Freudian-sounding typo...

Edited at 2008-03-19 09:28 pm (UTC)
spikestressspikestress on March 19th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
Like a knife in the heart man, right through the heart.

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Listening Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, the pain was so good back then, wasn't it? *happy sigh*
Deadbeat Nymph: dean stubble softdeadbeat_nymph on March 19th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, this is so cutting... And yet, perfect, too.

(Okay, I'm sure I'm just overall emotional today for other reasons, but this brought tears to my eyes.)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Bleeding Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Awww! Season One was so raw in terms of the unspoken and disconnection, but it always felt like time was on their side. As opposed to now...
(no subject) - deadbeat_nymph on March 19th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 10:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
never trust a big butt and a smile: boys will be boysobeetaybee on March 19th, 2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
You are so good at these drabbles. You pack so much emotion and back story into just a few lines. Wonderful!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Back story! *flails*

Your comment made me all kinds of happy. Thank you!
iamstealthyoneiamstealthyone on March 19th, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
Nicely, achingly done. I really like how you captured the way that being reunited with a loved one doesn't necessarily make everything all better. If the person isn't fully engaged in things, it can hurt so, so much.

Favorite lines:

But the miles don't matter— time doesn't, Dean doesn't.

Oh, Dean. Of course he'd want to fix it, needs to, for both their sakes.

Four years later it isn't over. Sam's finally here beside him, but Dean's as lonely as before.

*hugs him*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
If the person isn't fully engaged in things, it can hurt so, so much.
Especially after four years of missing Sam like crazy, and now that Sam is back it's like Sam never missed Dean at all. Ouch!

Sometimes disinterest is more cruel than people realize, even if they never intend it personally. *sigh*
(no subject) - iamstealthyone on March 20th, 2008 02:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on March 19th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
Season One, how wonderful you were with the boys all angsty but nobody in BigFutureTrouble. *misses it*
brigid_tanner: Dean-breakingbrigid_tanner on March 19th, 2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
You broke my heart. Always amazed that so much emotion can be conveyed in so few words.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Listening Deanhalfshellvenus on March 20th, 2008 03:38 am (UTC)
I'm sorry and yet thrilled that this spoke to you so deeply.

I struggled with the word count on this one much more than usual because that last line really needed to be powerful and finite, instead of trailing off too quickly.

Definitely worth it, though it's hard to imagine spending an hour and a half straightening something like that out!
Jean: SPN: Sam & Dean: Eyescontrary_lady on March 19th, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
That was just perfect!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on March 20th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm sure missing Season One these days, what with that Sword of Damocles hanging over Dean's head. *sigh*

Their problems were hard enough in that first Season, and now they just seem almost insurmountable. :(
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Listening Deanhalfshellvenus on March 20th, 2008 07:13 am (UTC)
That's so sad.

I think of what that must look like to Dean-- where he waited so long to have Sam back, and Sam not only isn't really "there" now but also isn't really responding to Dean at all. Like he was perfectly happy without Dean and didn't miss him for a single moment. Ouch!
Superhypertesseract: spn drivingmad_server on March 20th, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC)
Ooh, yeah. This resonates for me with YED's observation that John & Sam don't need Dean like he needs them. Nicely done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on March 23rd, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
This resonates for me with YED's observation that John & Sam don't need Dean like he needs them.

Oh yes-- one of the truest and most painful things ever said during this show. John and Sam would never have said that to Dean, but it's no less true. :(
getting the chocolate in the peanut butter: spn:brothersdotfic on March 20th, 2008 11:09 pm (UTC)
Ouch, that last line hurts. You've captured what's going on there so well.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on March 23rd, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
I actually miss that about Season One, that constant ache of knowing that Dean wants so badly to be seen while Sam on the other hand mainly wants to be somewhere else. *sniffle*