The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors (halfshellvenus) wrote,
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors
halfshellvenus

The year in which the groundhog's prediction was right...

Minor bitching: The cycling weather's getting good now, which means it's the end of the good running weather. Rats. Great cycling: 65-90F! Good running: 68F and below. Yesterday was 74F (a little warmer than expected), and I was lucky to finish the 4-mile run with the sweating and overheating. Over the next few months, though, 74F will be a godsend.

Last spring I had several days of biking that were around 68-70F, and then one day shot up to 92F and I kept pulling off to stand under trees and pour water on myself. 92F isn't bad mid-summer (we're grateful when it's not 105+!), but you need time to acclimate.

The dark side of Christopher: Most of you probably know that my son, Christopher, is smart and hilarious and very high-energy. Usually this is fun, but there IS a reason we used to say he was "delirious or furious" even as a baby. Everything he thinks or feels comes out of his mouth, and when he's in a snit he just never shuts up. Saturday was our annual trip to the snow, where we decided to go to a ski resort that has tubing for kids. He was very mad about that, because he wanted to saucer instead. So he didn't do tubing and it took him over an hour to even consider building snow forts and such. His sister had a great time, even though she only had a few tubing runs (! won't be going back there next year!). Christopher hated it and made the grownups miserable. But the thing is, with 2 kids... you cannot let the one pissy child spoil things for the other one (my parents used to do this when my little sister was the pissy child, and I really resented it). So Lauren had fun, the grownups and Christopher were Grrrr. We would have found someplace for him to saucer afterwards if he hadn't been a complete jerk about it. *sigh* This is not our easy child...

Funnies:
* A great satire piece from The Onion, on the great Kitchen Floor Conflict (cat detente).

* A very bizarre story involving a transit-savvy cat in the UK here.

* From the Washington Post (long-ish, but funny— "Bozone" should enter the lexicon now):

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. (Hmmm, not sure about this one. Where I live, most men are circumsized, so the "Jewish" part seems a little pointed or something.)


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. (Hi, Dean!)

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. (Hi, Barb!)

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. (Ewwww!)


And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole


Tags: cycling, humor, my_kids, running
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