The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors (halfshellvenus) wrote,
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors
halfshellvenus

Insider Humor ;)

Well, Christopher is off on his field-trip until Friday now. There was an unexpected "I don't want to go— I'll get homesick!" explosion this morning, but ultimately he recovered and is on his way. *is nervous* *hopes everyone is driving safely*

My sister sent me this Pacific Northwest humor, much of which is still true for me and some of which is too recent or has been altered by living elsewhere the last 24 years. I can't believe Jeff Foxworthy is the source of this, though— because some of this isn't just quirkiness, it's true:

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy

1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
Might as well be, at least on the Western side of the Cascades...
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
Worse yet, I pull OTHER people's cans/bottles/paper out of the trash for the recycling bin. Sometimes I take them home for recycling. *cringes*
3. Use the statement 'sun break' and know what it means.
I used it last week! It's been raining here a lot in California lately.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
Nope— this is since I moved away.
5 You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
Ummm... depends on your demographic. If rural, then maybe yes. Boats are expensive unless you use them a lot.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the 'WALK' signal.
I've been able to get over this one, finally. Took many years!
8 You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
Have had to revise since living in Calfornia, because there are no volcanoes in the Sierra Nevada, and they're mostly long ridges instead of peaks. Which means they're also sometimes snow-free in late summer. However... if it's not tall enough to MOSTLY have snow, it's basically a hill to me.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
See #4. After my time.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
Fail! Massive fail! However, I do know they're all tasty.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup , Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.
Sequim is a maybe, because it's in Washington. I'm from Oregon. Foxworthy should have put 'Yachats' on there to be extra-evil.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
Yup. Still. Even in California, where the summer weather is always good, it seems to me that you should have indoor as a backup for the rest of the year. ;)
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
Probably true for most of the West Coast, at least for the bigger cities on the Western side of the Cascades/Sierra Nevada.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working eight-hour days.
When I lived in Portland, that was definitely true. Sacramento is 10 hours south of there. See #26 below. ;)
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
Of course not! That's crazy talk!
16. You are not fazed by 'Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,' and 'Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers.'
We usually don't get that kind of detail down in California, but those forecasts make sense to me.
17 You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
*Sigh* That was before living in Illinois for 3 years. Ignorance was bliss.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
If you're IN Boring, it's possibly both. ;)
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
This used to be true when I lived there. Oh how I miss my familiar mountains.
20. You notice, 'The mountain is out' when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
Well, this depends on what city you live in. Alhough it's true for a lot of them— Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Salem, Bend (multiples!), Roseburg, etc. Almost all the cities have at least one mountain, though in Eugene you're nested in a bunch of buttes that block the view of the "real" mountains. And though the buttes are over 2000 feet, we don't consider them mountains. ;)
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
Not with my legs, I don't...
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
This is more of a Teva/Birkenstock thing. I don't wear either.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
I have philosophical objections to mountain-biking, so no to all parts of that.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
Still somewhat true. Though for really BIG rain I'll break the umbrella out. Unless there's wind— nothing like an inverted umbrella.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
Boy, did that used to be true when I still lived there. But not now— I have light-sensitive eyes, and I always know where the sunglasses are. The real problem is days with clouds AND glare. I need sunglasses for the glare, but then everything's too dark.
26. You measure distance in hours.
Well, yes. Yes I do. Even now. I always thought that was because I hate being stuck in the car, but maybe it has to do with the fact that going to the Coast or over the Cascades is really about travel-time. Mileage is irrelevant! Really, once you've driven 70 miles to the coast and it's taken you 2 - 2 1/2 hours (AS IT ALWAYS DOES), you'll understand this mode of thinking.
27. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.
Hi, Dad!
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
I.e., costumes with wings are not usually a good plan.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Leaf season (Fall).
Those of us who do not hunt, which is most of the city folks, are less aware of Deer/Elk season. But those are the seasons all right.
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.
That would be this post right here.

I want to know how gekitzetsu and unperfectwolf did on these now. ;)


Tags: humor, my_kids
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