October 15th, 2019

Venus

LJ Idol Season 11: "Hammer Time"

Hammer Time
idol season 11 | week 3 |577 words
Everything looks like a nail

x-x-x-x-x

Okay, first of all, I do not have an attitude problem, all right? Those are just rumors. And lies. And crap my cousin Jackie says, 'cause he thinks it's funny or something.

None of that matters. Here's what you need to know:

You can pay consultants to do almost anything these days—offer advice, design buildings, plan weddings, manage your money, etc., etc. But those services don't come cheap, and not everyone can afford them. That's where I come in—'cause baby, I can handle anything you need.

See, I'm what you might call a 'fixer.' Whatever you've got that sticks up or out, I will slam that sucker down and flatten it into the landscape for you. Whoo! Problem solved!

I know what you're thinking: "Wait, what if that thing is my toe?"

No worries! One good bang will take care of everything. Whatever was bothering you before, you'll forget alllll about it.

Now, my frenemy colleague, Malcolm Mallet, is always bragging about what a light touch he has. Okay, so I'm not good at being subtle, so what? It's not how I was made. How is that my fault?

I'll tell you this: they never bring Malcom in for the heavy-duty work. You want reliability, you call me. I'll get the job done.

I'm not perfect, of course. A few broken tiles here, a cracked alternator there… Hey, these things happen! And my run-ins with walls are legendary, too. Stupid walls. They're so freakin' flimsy.

And sure, I've had complaints from a few screws over the years. They say I "grind their feet off" and crap like that. But if they weren't so damn stubborn and didn't fight me the whole way, maybe that wouldn't be an issue, you know?

But I try to be a good guy. I even do some volunteer work from time to time. I'll wander around looking at stuff and seeing what needs to be done. If I find something, I'll go for it—no thanks, no trophy. It's just me, doing the right thing and hoping it helps someone out.

In fact, that's what I'm up to right now. I've spent the last hour bopping around the neighborhood and getting things back in shape. That loose hose-clamp two blocks back on Westfield? Bam! Problem solved. Or the flood lights in that garden over on Bell Street? I've got you covered. Wham wham wham! There you go. Those'll never bother you again.

Groveland Avenue is coming up ahead, so I'm almost finished. Another successful day of vigilante repair work for the books! Not bad for an Ace Hardware standard-issue product, if I do say so myself.

Oh, wait, something's moving over there in the grass. A rogue lawn sprinkler, maybe? No. It's not even metal. Looks like some kind of dark fuzzy thing sticking up out of a hole…

Ooh! I went to a carnival once with my friend, Air Rifle Andy, and they had a game just like this. That thing was made for me, let me tell you. I was all over it. What a day!

Okay then, you furry freak, you want to tango? Let's do it. I'll just slide up here through the grass and sneak around from behind and… Oh yeah, I've got you now buddy, you bucktoothed bean-headed little mutant.

Wham! Hah-hah! Buh-bye, sucker! Yeah, baby, that thing is history.

Wait, what the—

Oh, no. Oh no, oh God, please no.

So much blood…


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I wonder if Gary knew this is what I would write this week? \o?

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