April 13th, 2014


LJ Idol Season Nine: "Don't Try This At Home"

Don't Try This At Home
lj idol season nine | week five | 995 words
Build a better mousetrap


You have to understand, I didn't start this. I was just minding my own business, like any other Joe, and then I woke up one morning to what looked like a trail of chocolate sprinkles across the kitchen counter. Except that we don't even buy that kind of stuff.

It was only the beginning.

I got down on the floor, looked behind the stove and around the baseboards. I didn't see a darn thing, but evidence doesn't lie. After I bleached the hell out of those counters, I went to the hardware store.

Poisons. Old-fashioned traps, like something out of a cartoon. Humane-release devices, all kinds of crap—there was a whole industry behind my problem. My wife, Marge, was always going on about toxic chemicals, so I bypassed the poisons and went for the basic spring-loaded killing machine. Yankee ingenuity, right? They were still around, so I figured they must actually work. I bought four of them.

I went home and got to work. I put cheese on them—two of the traps snapped back and almost got my fingers, and a piece of cheese wound up in the overhead light fixture. Nice. I fixed the traps up again, and slipped one under the fridge and another behind the edge of the stove, with the two others going behind a living room bookcase and in the corner next to the hall bathroom toilet. Not exactly classy, but I hid them more for fear of walking into them barefoot than worrying about how they looked.

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