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12 July 2007 @ 09:15 am
Supernatural Gen Fiction: Kept In The Dark  
Title: Kept In The Dark
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam and Dean (Gen)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: Post Croatoan, the answers to Sam's questions just create more questions in turn.
Author's Notes: For super_summer, where I claimed "Croatoan." This one wanted to be second-person, which surprised me since I almost never write that. Also for my Switch_25 table, this is "Explanation."

x-x-x-x-x

"Right before he died… Dad told me something. He told me something about you."

Wherever those words lead next, it won't be good; you can tell by the sound of Dean's voice. This is so incredibly typical, Dean and Dad with their secrets and their struggles while you're stuck in the middle or standing completely outside everything.

Dean's going to leave you hanging, no doubt. Took him two months to say this much, and he regrets it already.

Someone's in trouble-- could be you or maybe just Dean. Dad is dead, but this reminds you of so many other times: Dean giving with one hand and Dad taking away with the other, and it always seemed like it was your fault underneath.

For once, you'd just like some fucking answers—not "Because it's what we do" or "This isn't a debate" or "Now, Sammy" or "Do as you're told." Answers that actually listen to what you're asking…

How about the bigger questions, like what the hell all these visions are for? You're seeing people die but what's the point if you can't prevent it— it seems like you're always going to arrive just a little too late.

Dr. Jennings died anyway in Oklahoma, so you changed the moment but not the result. Today you saved Duane Tanner from Dean (or maybe saved Dean from himself), so was that a fluke or misinterpretation? Or are you finally getting a handle on how the visions work? The thought that they're simply echoes of something that hasn't happened yet is frustrating and depressing. That's useless, and it's hard enough dealing with them already.

Based on that vision of Dean with the gun, you rushed all the way to River Grove and you wonder if that was a mistake. Why didn't you do the opposite and avoid tempting fate?

If you'd conquered the demon/virus/curse—god, you don't even know what it was you actually faced—you'd feel some justification. It's hard to say even now if that was victory, when you didn't find the source. In the end, only a handful of people survived.

You thought you were going to die yourself today—really die—and the reprieve was unexpected. Good thing Dean didn't leave you behind with the company of your gun. You haven't thanked him and you probably really should, but Dean's edgy enough already and maybe you are too.

The air feels heavy now and your mouth is sour with the taste of beer, because this moment of winding-down by the river is no longer what it started out to be.

Dean—Dean of all people—was talking about going to the Grand Canyon, and suddenly the world felt like it was turning on its head. Everything was wrong becoming wronger, and you pressed for an explanation and somehow made things worse.

He told me something about you.

The words haven’t left. They're right in front of you, still shaped by the fear in your brother's voice.

You can't help pushing, always pushing, because there's a basic part of you that will always need to know:

"What? Dean. What did he tell you?" Now that you've said it, it's too late to unring that bell.

Dean's eyes are wet and he looks so sad, but he'd have carried this burden forever just to keep you from knowing.

His mouth is trembling as he takes a deep breath, preparing his response.

In that brief, silent second you suddenly wonder if this is an answer that you really want to hear.


-------- fin --------



 
 
 
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on July 12th, 2007 06:15 am (UTC)
Oh, wow. That's beautiful. You know, sometimes, because Sam's angst is so OUT THERE, we focus more on Dean's, and we forget about Sam. But this...this brings them both into focus.

Also, first!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 12th, 2007 07:13 am (UTC)
But this...this brings them both into focus.

I didn't want to spoil where Dean's answer goes in this story, because it's meant to be "Croatoan" and not the following episode.

But you could feel the traces of Sam's innocence lingering in this episode and I hope in the story as well. He's an optimist in spite of everything (still hoping to make a difference, and what a frustration those visions are). At the end of this episode, he opens the door to this big, awful question by offering to help carry the weight of what's clearly hurting Dean so badly. He has no idea of how terrible that burden really is. *sigh*

Also, first!
I so missed you being first-- almost 8 months away was it? It seemed like so much longer. It's wonderful to have you back. :D
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on July 12th, 2007 07:17 am (UTC)
Yeah, about eight months. I gave up trying to catch up, 'cuz, yeah.

*blushes*

*glee*

shaitanahshaitanah on July 12th, 2007 06:30 am (UTC)
Beautiful! So emotional and sad... makes me want to cry.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 12:36 am (UTC)
Thank you very much! I knew that writing second-person was taking a chance, but this story really wanted to be told from that viewpoint, and I don't know why. It seemed more personal that way.

If the emotions got through, then that's more than I could hope for. Thank you again. :)
x5valex5vale on July 12th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
Oh Sammy...I'm a Dean girl, but I'd love to see more oh his little bro angst in the show.

I love this. Beautiful.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm more of a Dean girl too, but I really think some of Sam's very legitimate angst has being muted/forgotten this season.

Those visions alone... if they don't help anyone, then they can't be anything but torture-- and Sam's the wrong person to be burdened with them. He's optimistic and tender-hearted, and what he's shown is so very, very dark.

And when you know what Dean finally does tell him after the end of this episode... *wibble* :(
x5valex5vale on July 18th, 2007 10:11 am (UTC)
*sighs*

Poor boys.
cindy: spn - ouija handstsuki_no_bara on July 12th, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
i can see how this leads to sam's wee drunken meltdown in playthings - here he's just starting to question the purpose of the visions, so by the time he and dean get to the inn he's had a lot more time to think about things and get frustrated and angry and i think more than a little freaked out. i like how he realizes that dean's acting out of character and that's a sign that something's really wrong, because it's something i really like about the show - the boys misread each other a lot, but they also understand each other on a really fundamental level, and they know that something's not right when one of them gets all ooc. and i like sam's realization that dean kept quiet not to keep secrets from him, but to protect him, and that maybe sam really doesn't want to know what dean's been protecting him from after all.

(also, the second person pov works really well. it gets us right into sam's head.)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 07:18 pm (UTC)
and get frustrated and angry and i think more than a little freaked out.
I think he has every reason to be, too. When you think of the vision he had that led them to Saginaw-- where the guy was dead before they even got to his house-- how frustrating that would be! And it would make me angry too, because why inflict the vision if you can't affect the outcome? It's like DeathSpam coming at you from the universe as a whole. :(

and they know that something's not right when one of them gets all ooc.
They do, and yet part of me feels sad about that, because they make it hard for each other to change. For Dean to want more than hunt-hunt-hunt, and Sam to want to offer love/appreciation back to Dean (late S1)... those are good things, and shouldn't be pushed away just because they're different from how it's always been. At the same time, I understand why that makes the boys suspicious-- when it's too extreme, it means something's wrong. "Let's hang out for a few days at a lake" isn't the same as "Let's do a travelogue."

(also, the second person pov works really well. it gets us right into sam's head.)
I'm glad you mentioned that, because since I almost never use it I have to ask myself why this story wanted to be second person right from the opening words. It's kind of puzzling!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 07:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Rinne! Because it was written for super_summer for a specific episode, that limits how far I can take that moment of action. I.e., right up to where Dean's about to say something but hasn't said it yet.

But then it occurred to me that a story can be formed behind that, of all the awful things that have already happened, and why Sam's urge to know everything might suddenly meet a flicker of doubt as to whether this thing right now might be better left alone.
layne: sam broken heartlayne67 on July 13th, 2007 05:16 am (UTC)
That is absolutely exquisite. You caught Sam's voice perfectly *loves*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 07:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, Layne!

I wish I wrote Sam more often than I do (he comes up a lot in drabbles, just like John, but rarely in longer stories). This moment of this particular episode seemed like one where his take on it really needed exploring-- including the thought that sometimes you're being protected for very good reasons, and don't see that until it's suddenly too late.
Steffi: Supernatural - Dean Hurt BWlegoline on July 14th, 2007 06:23 am (UTC)
Beautiful - I love how Sam recognises that Dean would carry tht burden forever, even if it killed him.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC)
I love how Sam recognises that Dean would carry tht burden forever, even if it killed him.
He really would have, and I hate that John put him in that position even though I understand John's own pain there-- what happens if you have to choose between someone you love and saving the world from what they become?

Here, Sam gets a glimpse of being protected from something and the barest realization that it's something he'll probably wish he didn't know about. :( He has no idea-- his heart isn't remotely dark enough to even imagine what that's going to be. *sniffle*
Steffi: Supernatural - Sam Relievedlegoline on July 18th, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
Here, Sam gets a glimpse of being protected from something and the barest realization that it's something he'll probably wish he didn't know about.

Yes. And I also believe that it's one of the moments where Sam realises just how much Dean keeps from Sam to protect him - as in, Dean always throws himself in the line of fire.
belleimani on July 15th, 2007 02:58 pm (UTC)
Another fantastic peak into Sam's mind.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on July 18th, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you, belleimani! I write Dean so much more than either Sam or John, and this is one of the few times I felt like I had a vivid and interesting idea of his POV that was longer than a drabble. Some of his/John's drabbles are knockouts, but they're short.

Love that evil, evil icon. ;)
belleimani on July 19th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
You're welcome and I think you always do a great job!
nativestarnativestar on December 15th, 2007 09:19 pm (UTC)
Very nice! I like the flow of this, it feels true to character as Sam experiences that little bit of doubt.

Just to let you know I'm doing a Croatoan fic rec at spn_epific today and I'm including this there.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Samhalfshellvenus on March 14th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you, nativestar!

This one was tricky in that the original challenge I wrote it for _had_ to be "Croatoan," which means that the story has to stop before Sam find out what Dean's about to tell him (which happens in the following episode). But at that cliffhanger moment... he knows it can't be good. :(

Thanks so much for the rec!