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31 December 2005 @ 10:07 pm
Supernatural FanFiction: Lost  
Author: HalfshellVenus
Catetory: Sam and Dean Genfic (Dean’s POV)
Rating: PG
Author’s Note: This was written for maygra's song title challenge. The song title I got was Toto’s "Won’t Hold You Back." And that, of course, spells angstfic to me…


x-x-x-x-x

The ghost has been disbanded, and Dean and John Winchester are sitting at the window booth of the “Lost Pines Diner.” John is reading a newspaper article on a supposed spirit possession, and Dean is stirring his green beans with a fork as a lonesome cowboy sings his lament on the old jukebox.

It is too quiet at their table. Dean always feels like he’s by himself these days, even when his Dad is sitting right next to him, and everything that made him feel important, feel like he was real, is missing. There was fighting when Sam was still around, and he and their Dad would knock heads multiple times a day, but at least there was still some life in their family then.

Now, they’re just drifting. They move from town to town, evil vanquished here, uneasy spirits settled there, and sometimes people are even grateful. But none of it seems like it’s really happening, none of it really matters anymore.

Dean could be in bed right now, dreaming all of this, and it could hardly feel more vague and shallow if he were. But he has the feeling that he’s awake, and that this is his life now, this empty wandering that just makes him ache inside.

He wonders if he left his soul behind on one of their assignments these last few years, if he misplaced it in some half-hidden small town where no-one will ever find it again.

But then he thinks that his soul isn’t really lost after all. Instead, it’s far away, studying in a dorm, and has forgotten its way back. Because it never really belonged to him anyway. And he never had the power to stop it from leaving.

God, he misses it. Misses being himself. Misses having a reason to go from one day to the next.

He looks over at his Dad, miles away inside his own head, and feels the stillness riding the table the same way it fills motel rooms, the car… his heart.

Outside, the rain slants against the window, runs streaming down like the tears Dean refuses to shed. Far from home, Sam is living-- even happy-- in a world they've never been part of. Dean tries to want that for him, to let Sam be who and what he thinks he needs to be. But here, in this godforsaken existence they pursue, Dean is struggling to keep himself from dying.

If he could tell Sam, if it would matter, Dean would do anything to bring him back. But he’s afraid to say it-- to feel it-- in case it doesn’t make any difference.

If he is something Sam doesn’t need, if Sammy has outgrown him, Dean doesn’t really want to know. Because if this is all there is… if this is all it’s going to be… Dean might have to admit that his life is no longer worth showing up for.

---------------------- FIN --------------------------

Now you're gone, I'm really not the same,
I guess I have myself to blame
Time can't erase the things we said
But it gives me time to realize that you're the one instead

You know I won't hold you back now
The love we had just can't be found
You know I can't hold you back now

Now that I'm alone it gives me time to think about the years
that you were mine
Time can erase the love we shared
But it gives me time to realize just how much you cared.


Tags: ,
 
 
 
Bekahla_anah on January 1st, 2006 03:26 pm (UTC)
Ah, man. I love woobie Dean.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 1st, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I've been thinking about what Dean's life would be with just their Dad, after Sam leaves, and how sad that would be.

Surprisingly, it all came out in this fic, which though short seems to cover most of what I wanted to say.

*bows to Maygra's song fic challenge, because it did inspire after all*
vengeance_angelvengeanceangel on January 1st, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC)
If he is something Sam doesn’t need, if Sammy has outgrown him, Dean doesn’t really want to know. Because if this is all there is… if this is all it’s going to be… Dean might have to admit that his life is no longer worth showing up for.

That line was just...wow. I really loved this.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 1st, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!

One of the saddest things about this show to me is that you know this is what it was like for Dean, and yet... Sam seems to oblivious to how much pain he caused him.

Which means we all have to write it and make it better, again and again :-)
<---- vampire: dean is wibblyvileseagulls on January 4th, 2006 04:37 am (UTC)
Ah, that hurts. I love this. <3
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 4th, 2006 05:52 am (UTC)
And you have the perfect icon of Dean to go with his pain.

I think this might be my woobiest Dean ever. And I like him more than Sam, but I seem to write more from Sam's POV. Wonder why that is?

But as I said, seems to go hand-in-hand with your songfic! Wonder if anyone else will agree?
Ashlee: Mulder Scully thingwinterwaltz6 on January 5th, 2006 03:05 am (UTC)
Oh my. I think I love you.

jules1013 recommending me to come over here and I'm so glad I did.

What a fantastic fic! So wonderfully subtle, yet complex. It just had this underlying mood and it all just fit together in this nice little puzzle of sorts to become a most wonderful piece of work.

The last line is pure inspiration and by far my favorite line was : Dean tries to want that for him, to let Sam be who and what he thinks he wants. But here, in this godforsaken existence they pursue, Dean is struggling to keep himself from dying.

Its just pefect. I *really* enjoyed this (as if you couldn't tell, LOL). Seriously though, great work. I can't wait for more.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 5th, 2006 05:40 am (UTC)
Ahhh jules1013... I heart her :-)

I am SO glad you enjoyed this, and told me so in such a wonderfully detailed way. I was beginning to wonder if anyone was ever going to read these entries in the list (did I post this to Supernaturalfic? Can't remember). We have SO MUCH good stuff in the Supernatural groups that even I can't keep up with it all, and I'm sure it must be true for other readers (and authors).

This fic was such a surprise to me. I'd had a lot of thoughts about Dean's (very bleak) life with his Dad after Sam left, but never written them up. And then there was this challenge from maygra, which was going to expire in about 3 hours yes, sometimes I procrastinate... why do you ask? And then when I looked at the lyrics for my assigned song, this is what came out of it. In about 20 minutes.

The title, the mood, the song. They just all seemed to be working together in synergy.

Its just perfect. I *really* enjoyed this (as if you couldn't tell, LOL). Which just makes my day! ::sqeeze:: Hi, Jules! *waves*
Staceystaceey on January 17th, 2006 11:40 pm (UTC)
If he could tell Sam, if it would matter, Dean would do anything to bring him back. But he’s afraid to say it-- to feel it-- in case it doesn’t make any difference.

I truly believe this statement, it's so very Dean. My heart aches for him.

If he is something Sam doesn’t need, if Sammy has outgrown him, Dean doesn’t really want to know. Because if this is all there is… if this is all it’s going to be… Dean might have to admit that his life is no longer worth showing up for.

Again, my heart is just broken by this, poor Dean.

Bravo! Amazing job filling in the pieces of Dean's broken heart.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 17th, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC)
I truly believe this statement, it's so very Dean. My heart aches for him.

I agree. Sometimes people keep quiet not because they don't care, but because they care too much.

What has Dean cared about that he hasn't already lost? At the point this fic was written, his father was all that remained. He'd already lost Sam. And then it will change again by the time the show's first episode begins.

Again, my heart is just broken by this, poor Dean.

HIs pain in "Scarecrow" just about killed me. And that Sam still couldn't quite hear it, couldn't read "between the lines" to see what it was costing Dean to let him go. There so should have been a hug at the end of that episode. F*** the WB on that one. :-(

Thank you for all your wonderful comments! I really appreciate them. :-)
(no subject) - staceey on January 18th, 2006 12:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - staceey on January 18th, 2006 12:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
ezgal on January 27th, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
Aw. Dean.

*makes the universal clucking sound that means, come over here little boy and let me pet your head you poor woobie thing*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on January 27th, 2006 08:03 pm (UTC)
He definitely needs someone's sympathy. *Sigh*

It's even worse that we know that Sam doesn't try to contact his family much for all of the four years he's gone. Man, that's a long time for Dean to essentially be alone. :-(
(no subject) - ezgal on January 27th, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on January 27th, 2006 08:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ezgal on January 27th, 2006 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
angel_morte on February 7th, 2006 12:10 am (UTC)
In tears! (God am I such a dork or what?) This is so emotional! Just what I needed to boost my day! You and your Greatness!!! I think I am in love with you!! LOL!!

If he is something Sam doesn’t need, if Sammy has outgrown him, Dean doesn’t really want to know. Because if this is all there is… if this is all it’s going to be… Dean might have to admit that his life is no longer worth showing up for.

I love this line a guy not afrid of expressing his feelings! Just what us girls need! Keep up the outstanding work!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on February 7th, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
In tears! (God am I such a dork or what?)

::Hands you some Kleenex:: Not a dork, just appropriately sensitive :-)

It is so nice to get some feedback on this story. It came out during the Christmas rush, and I don't think a lot of people read it.

Hey, if you want to know what you missed lately for both Prison Break and Supernatural, check this out. It's my Janurary list of all the stuff I wrote for both fandoms, which was... boatloads. I kind of went nuts there for awhile :-) February's starting to look much the same...

Thank you for stopping by. Hope to hear more from you!
tyrical: SPN_Cappa8_D_against a walltyrical on February 10th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
A glimpse into Dean.

What does Dean want?
What are Dean's dreams?
We never really know. He's good at what he does. He believes in what he does.

This short actually takes a look at what drives him to do it. The sense of family that he had seemed to be enough but with Sam gone and his father in a sense gone he's lost those ties.

Dean knows himself enough to not look to deep into it because then the reasons to do what he does would prove not to be enough. That the dreams that he's never bothered to explore seem too far away to try for now. Despite all that he would still be where he is now. Alone, with no direction and there will still be things that go bump in the night. Things that still need to be fought. People that would need others to fight for them.

In time would that be enough to keep going on? Even if Dean could answer the question would he want to?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on February 10th, 2006 05:22 pm (UTC)
Dean knows himself enough to not look to deep into it because then the reasons to do what he does would prove not to be enough.

Exactly. Sometimes it is better not to examine yourself too much. At times, you may like what you see. But at others, you may wonder why you bother to go on.

The sense of family that he had seemed to be enough but with Sam gone and his father in a sense gone he's lost those ties.
I would hate to have lived his life during that time. Those four years would have felt like forever to me :-(
ivy_x3 on February 18th, 2006 12:57 am (UTC)
bawling. bawling. bawling.
nonononono Dean.. Sam loves you!

i know this was a genfic but ugh.. that hurt. this entire story hurt. the fact that even with john there, Dean still feels so lonely, beautiful =D

God, he misses it. Misses being himself.
excellent line. perfectly captures the character.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on February 18th, 2006 05:17 am (UTC)
bawling. bawling. bawling. nonononono Dean.. Sam loves you!
If only Dean knew that. The evidence sure had to be against it during those 4 years. :(

i know this was a genfic but ugh.. that hurt. this entire story hurt.
As it should have-- it's Dean's pain that's all through the story. Hey, I aim to write good Genfic too! The song had slashy possibilities, but this is what came out the loudest to me. Pushing someone to do what they want, even though it's killing you... and never telling them how much it hurts.

So glad you liked this one! It hasn't gotten the attention it deserves in terms of number of readers, but that may be because of when I posted it (the Black Hole of Post-Christmas, as I like to think of it. That sure killed my ability to read fanfic in any timely way).

Amymellaithwen on March 5th, 2006 10:55 am (UTC)
Awwwwwwwwww poor Dean! Damn it Sam >:(
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Gen: icon by Tinamishihalfshellvenus on March 5th, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC)
Awwwwwwwwww poor Dean! Damn it Sam >:(
The more I see of how Sam continues to behave on the show, the more true this one becomes.

"Shadows" hurt me but good, and I thought of this fic. Because Dean DID finally say it.... and it didn't change Sam's feelings. From Dean's POV, it didn't make a difference (just as he always feared it wouldn't). :(((
(no subject) - mellaithwen on March 5th, 2006 11:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on March 6th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mellaithwen on March 6th, 2006 07:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
fpvsfpvs on April 11th, 2006 09:07 am (UTC)
Woe is Dean for his pain!

Love when you rip up all those feelings that must have gone through Dean without his brother. When you drag us through all the emotions he undoubtedly would have running through his skin even now with his brother returned to his side.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 11th, 2006 05:02 pm (UTC)
Love when you rip up all those feelings that must have gone through Dean without his brother.
It is such an awful picture, isn't it? Missing Sam and everything his own life was when Sam was there, and when the reader knows that Sam didn't call, that he pushed Dean away even harder during that time... "Woe" is right. It just hurts to think of Dean so muffled and lonely, with Sam so oblivious in his shiny new life. :(

How can he help missing Sam even after Sam is back? That part of who they were together must seem lost forever. And maybe it is.

I'm going into my agnsty place just talking about it. :0
Kronette: Dean eyeskronette on April 18th, 2006 12:22 am (UTC)
EEE! I was just thinking I needed to find some John & Dean fic without Sam, and here I find this gorgeous angst. Poor Dean!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on April 18th, 2006 01:49 am (UTC)
here I find this gorgeous angst. Poor Dean!

Such a bad, bad time for Dean (we don't really know how bad it was for John, but I'm better there were regrets).

It hurts so much more the way that, even after being dragged back into it all, Sam doesn't get that his not returning calls and otherwise ignoring his family scarred Dean something fierce. He seems completely oblivious to what that was like for Dean, becoming so expendable and unnoticed. :(

I love that you liked this story so much. Thank you!
(no subject) - kronette on April 19th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - halfshellvenus on April 19th, 2006 05:33 am (UTC) (Expand)