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26 March 2007 @ 09:01 am
Prison Break Gen Fiction: A Profile of Seduction (Crack, Humor)  
Title: A Profile of Seduction
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Kellerman, implied Kellerman/Sara (Gen, Crack, Humor)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: He's gunning for her love, but she keeps moving out of range...
Author's Notes: This was a backup story written for Round 4 of the Prison Break Fic Exchange, allll for ferrynheit who knows the power of good crack. :)

x-x-x-x-x

He's a planner.

He can improvise when he has to, pull out that old Owen Kravecki smile, but it's better when he plans. It's more fun.

Today, he's planning for Sara. For the next step— he's been working the moves on her for days now. He let her try to reach out to him at that first NA meeting— let her feel like she got through his defenses. Then there was the post-meeting follow-up where he made her laugh and she made him smile (a real one, not the instantly cheerful one he puts on when he's gotten really fed up).

They had pie together. Forkfuls of crust-by-the-sheet and canned fruit all thrown together, but surprisingly good. He doesn't regret it. That pie was neutral ground, a chance for him to work that Kellerman charm on her. It turns out she's prettier than her pictures, and he likes the look of her long, auburn hair. He'd like it even better spilling out over a pillow while he gets her to scream his name— well yeah, it'd be Lance that she was screaming, but that's still him, mostly. Close enough.

What he's working on now, though, is gaining her trust. Not in the "Oh, Lance" kind of way— though that could come later, and he's thought about that too much already— but in the "We're all friends here" kind of way. The way that'll get her to tell him stuff, like where the hell Michael Scofield is. That's the mission he sold to Kim anyway, though it's no coincidence that he picked the prettiest lead to work through.

So, tonight he has cookbooks and he's working on the details of his next move. He'll suggest cooking together, something so low-key that it hardly seems like a date. Unless it does turn into that, the two of them cozying up in her kitchen while he feeds her tiramisu nice and slow off a gleaming silver fork and—

Okay. Focus. Focus.

French cuisine? No, too fussy. Stir fry could be good— lots of preparation together by the sink, a little bonding over bamboo shoots and julienned carrots. Not showy enough, though. He wants to impress her, and then enjoy some downtime.

Pasta? Too simple. And too much garlic, in case, well— just in case. Fish is out, risotto's too much work.

Ah. Main dishes— flair and forget. This'll work.

He marks the chicken cacciatore with a post-it note, and maybe ice cream would be better for dessert after all. No making ahead, so it doesn't look too presumptive. Would bringing candles be too much? Women really get into that, the romance of it, and he can just imagine Sara's smile in that warm, yellow light— not that he's distracted by all that, but it's been awhile for him and maybe red would be good. Does she like the scented kind?

Okay forget that part, never mind. Only a weirdo would keep candles around in his car. So, no candles just yet.

He wonders if he should memorize the recipe for chicken cacciatore, to make the get-together seem more spontaneous. Would tomato sauce be cheating? Ah, who's he kidding— he's not going to boil and peel fresh tomatoes at Sara's house. That'd drive him nuts, and he already has this tendency toward inappropriate humor already.

A shower would be good now, definitely a shower. With some light cologne, just a touch right—

The phone. He really hates that fucking phone.

He checks the number, and it's Kim. It's always Kim. Because the man has nothing better to do than second-guess every single strategy or lead and—

"Kellerman." He keeps his voice level.

Blah-blah-I want results on this today or you'll be reassigned!-blah-blah-blah.

Whatever. Dickhead.

He tries to avoid thinking about Kim as much as possible, but intrusions like this just never stop. Multiple calls a day, one bitch-whine after another, and how the hell did Kim zip up the ladder so fast? Smirking, smarmy know-it-all asswipe, the kind of guy you'd run down in a crosswalk without a second thought. There are times he'd like to string Kim up by his ankles and decorate him with leeches until he begs for mercy. Or until he cries— crying would definitely be good.

All right, enough of that. Into the shower. He soaps and scrubs, washing the taint of Kim off of his skin and out of his head.

In front of the mirror afterwards, he takes stock of himself.

Well.

Less pie, more vegetables obviously, but it's far too late for that now.

His eyes are good— long lashes, expressive when he wants them to be. He'll stick to that, try to dial the intensity down. Sara likes the shy types, if Scofield's any indication.

He tries to imagine the kinds of places she goes in her off-hours, where he might accidentally run into her. On purpose. Bookstores probably— she looks the type. Intelligent and thoughtful. And the grocery store, definitely— everyone has to eat. There's one a block from her apartment, where they might meet over the produce aisle someday soon, just two people trying to put their lives back together and helping each other along the way…

He catches sight of his own smile in the mirror, and puts those thoughts aside.

Stay on task. First things first. Got to get a foot in the door before you can settle in on the sofa.

Flicking through the closet, he searches for the right clothes. Jeans, definitely. He forgets himself in a suit and becomes all business, and that's not who Lance is supposed to be. So. A good shirt— not too Fed-like or stiff, but he doesn't want to look like a bum. Lance is in recovery.

He takes a look at the recipe again, and he's got the basics— chicken, sauce, seasoning, wine and olive oil. He's going to wing it, make the approach seem more casual.

He can't afford to screw this up.

She's at the meeting, just as he expected. Her skin looks so soft, he can almost feel the smoothness of it along his fingers.

Walking back to her apartment— he's allowed to know where she lives now, officially, though he knew it before— their talk is quiet smiles and well-placed humor. Now's the time. He's making his move.

He broaches the idea of getting together to cook, using his smooth voice and tempering it with hesitant charm. It's a masterful performance, and god— he can practically see her in a black lace teddy sipping wine in front of the fireplace and easing onto his lap.

But wait— something's off. Something he missed, and Christ, she's getting all weird now.

Fall back, fall back… Whoa. His mouth runs on without him, and suddenly he's gay and pining over his vacationing partner (which, yeah—he used Danny's name, the partner that he personally killed, but it happens, not that she has to know).

Before he knows it, he's standing in the "unavailable" box he backed himself into. Which he'll never get out of, now that she sees him that way and did he have to pick that particular angle— what the hell is wrong with him, anyway?

Great— he's gay and he's in a committed relationship, just in case she might have been the type to take on a challenge.

His smile's on auto-pilot now as they head into her apartment, but the fun part of this assignment is already over. Clearly he's not getting any tonight or anytime soon, and his hopes stall slowly out on.... Fuck.

Deep down, he's sure this is somehow Kim's fault, or maybe it's a curse from good old dead-boy Danny Hale.

Either way, he'll get the goods and move on with the manhunt. He's a professional.

But damn if he doesn't hate the suckfest that pretty much always defines Plan B.


--------- fin ---------


 
 
Deadbeat Nymph: squirmdeadbeat_nymph on March 26th, 2007 11:54 pm (UTC)
LOL! This was great! I have a hard time believing that Kellerman could ever be so boyish at this point in his life, but it was fun to read nevertheless. :) Plus, it's always good to explore other sides to characters.

But damn if he doesn't hate the suckfest that pretty much always defines Plan B.

So true. And so funny.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on March 27th, 2007 12:10 am (UTC)
I have a hard time believing that Kellerman could ever be so boyish at this point in his life, but it was fun to read nevertheless. :)
Yes, that would be the crack element. It pushes the character either into a totally unrealistic situation (Hi, Godzilla-- welcome to Fox River Prison!) or pushes the edge of the characterization. Otherwise, it'd just be straightforward humor.

I think I actually made him slightly loonier than in canon, as if that's possible.

I had a great time writing this one. It was a backup story for the exchange, and Ferryn left so many possible characters and approaches. I came up with 3 of them, but this was the one that had to be written.

Poor old dead-boy Danny Hale... :0
Deadbeat Nymphdeadbeat_nymph on March 27th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC)
Yes, that would be the crack element. It pushes the character either into a totally unrealistic situation (Hi, Godzilla-- welcome to Fox River Prison!) or pushes the edge of the characterization. Otherwise, it'd just be straightforward humor.

Ah, I see. I still don't quite understand all of the jargon of fandom. :(

To be clear, it wasn't meant as a criticism, just a thought.

I had a great time writing this one.

It's there in the reading, too. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on March 27th, 2007 01:35 am (UTC)
Ah, I see. I still don't quite understand all of the jargon of fandom. :(
Oh, I didn't at first either. Especially because a lot of the crack was just SO zany and OOC that there wasn't enough left to hinge the story on, in my opinion.

It still needs to feel like it's related to the fandom, even if it's on the fringe, or it doesn't usually work for me as humor. And the number of Crack pieces I've read that are basically "Sam and Dean talk to the author directly" is oddly high. That's generally just not funny to me-- more self-indulgent than anything.
I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable women: michaelmissyjack on April 2nd, 2007 01:16 pm (UTC)
(sorry i haven't got a kellerman icon)

Oh this is gorgeous, and see to me - not crack! I can imagine this totally as Kellerman its that almost goofy edge we almost glimpse sometimes that makes him our fav chuckleheaded sociopath. And thanks for capturing what for me was one of the highlights of S2.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 2nd, 2007 07:07 pm (UTC)
I can imagine this totally as Kellerman its that almost goofy edge we almost glimpse sometimes that makes him our fav chuckleheaded sociopath.
It's a little more extreme than he usually gets, but not by much. And SO much fun to write-- I couldn't help myself on this one. Plus, Agent Kim gets hated on once again. ;)

And thanks for capturing what for me was one of the highlights of S2.
I really liked this little S2 subplot, and I couldn't leave alone that horrifying moment where he mentions his "partner" that he misses so much, and the viewer goes, "WTF? You $%O*Y^!!!, you're the reason he's gone, because you killed him! Sicko."
aspensnowaspensnow on April 25th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
I loved this. So. Much.

Really, I've been absent from the PB fandom for quite some time now due to not actually having a computer for a long period of time and you know, real life stuff. But now I finally have some time to peruse the fic that's out there and I love me some Kellerman.

This, was fantastic. I love the way his mind is always working, always skipping ahead to the next detail, the next plan. I've always imagined Kellerman like this.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on April 26th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
Really, I've been absent from the PB fandom for quite some time now due to not actually having a computer for a long period of time
I was afraid of that-- I lost you at the end of the Fic Exchange because of a possible hard-drive virus, and you didn't reappear anywhere for awhile, which looked very much like the computer did not survive. :( Hope the schoolwork made it through, at least. Are you done? Or just done with that semester?

and I love me some Kellerman.
He was probably the most fun part of S2-- more aggressively bizarre all the time, and smart and sociopathic on top of it. I didn't like the swerve in his character at the end of S2 at all, but up until then he was consistently villainous, unpredictable, and fascinating. :)

I love the way his mind is always working, always skipping ahead to the next detail, the next plan. I've always imagined Kellerman like this.
:D This is kind of a cracked-out version of him (Extreme Kellerman), but I do think he's rattling through tactic after tactic all of the time (there are no unexamined details in his life).

Do you know about crack_pie? It's a Kellerman/Sara comm, and I know you have two stories that fit that bill...
Are we back to hos over bros?lissa_bear on May 2nd, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)
Hah! Your Kellerman voice here was hysterical. All of his day dreaming, then back pedaling to the plan is fabulous. And did he really use Danny's name in canon?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on May 2nd, 2007 02:58 am (UTC)
Hah! Your Kellerman voice here was hysterical.
Oh, I had such evilFun writing this. Remember when Julia offered to write a backup fic for Ferryn? I told her to hold off, because I'd pitched this one (and 3 others) to the original would-be writer, and I kind of really wanted to write this one at that point. There was detail on the Crack! (that sounds impossible, but yet, it was sketched out with Crack included). There was snark! There was the utterly overly-calculating and off-the-wall Kellerman voice. Who could resist?

And did he really use Danny's name in canon?
He seriously did. Something like, "Well it's just me right now. My partner's out of town for a few weeks, and I hate it when Danny's gone. I miss him!"

And the viewer goes, "Wait a second, you sick F**k! Danny's gone because you killed him."

I could not believe he did that! I'd say that the man has no shame, but that was already very clear. :0

Glad you liked this one! Comic-Kellerman is like gold, seriously. :D I wrote a serious one too (that was my original prompt), but the comic one is so hard to resist.
Genevieve: special agent by virtuousitiesmsgenevieve on May 9th, 2007 09:38 am (UTC)
You know, this is far less of a crack fic than a lot of 'non-crack' fics I've read, lol! I enjoyed the whole story, but I'm a big fan of a killer last line, and that one is just fabulous.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2007 05:33 pm (UTC)
:D It's probably just barely Crack-- the characterization of Kellerman is pushed out a little and that's about it. missyjack didn't think it was actually Crack either, and she knows Crack but good. :0

The Crackiest thing I've written yet is the "When Godzilla Attacks" piece, and the only crack there is the appearance of the Lizard himself-- everyone else is in character!

I enjoyed the whole story, but I'm a big fan of a killer last line, and that one is just fabulous.
:D Thank you! I had such fun writing this whole story (it was a backup story, actually), and Kellerman's cranky frustration and sexed-out ramblings where the best parts of all. :D
PamalaX: Paulsmirkpamalax on May 9th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
I did miss this one.

Awwwwwwwww poor Paulie :o(

He had all the right moves lined up and then BAM he's gay Lance knowing the most he'll get from Sarah is a nice lunch and shoe shopping IF he gets really lucky!

Loved the Kim bits.

Of course its Kim's fault... EVERYTHING is Kim's fault :o)

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on May 9th, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
and then BAM he's gay Lance knowing the most he'll get from Sarah is a nice lunch and shoe shopping IF he gets really lucky!
What a bummer! His backup tactic went a little too extreme there. :0

And doesn't your icon just show that disappointment in himself. ;)

Of course its Kim's fault... EVERYTHING is Kim's fault :o)
That's my motto, and Paul's too. It's ALWAYS Kim's fault. :0
mllesatine: orgasm wentworth millermllesatine on July 5th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
He's gunning for her love, but she keeps moving out of range... Best summary evah!!1! I'm already cracking up. I wanted to skip this fic because I can think of Sara/Kellerman (the whole drowning incident put a lid on it, you know) but then I read the summary and was sold!

And the fic is so sweet. So unlike Kellerman obviously but I adore him here. *hugs him*

You did a wonderful job! *hugs you too* :)

The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on February 2nd, 2008 07:53 am (UTC)
So unlike Kellerman obviously but I adore him here.
He's definitely a cracked-out version of Kellerman, but there's something about that Chuckleheaded Sociopath aspect of him that really leans in this direction.

And oh, the revenge fantasies about Agent Kim. And the regrets about telling Sara he was gay-- you know those are secretly canon. ;)
(Anonymous) on January 5th, 2018 09:11 pm (UTC)
Review
I absolutely loved this! I am such a fan of your Kellerman stories. Kellerman/Sara is one of my favorite pairings, you're just so good at this stuff :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on January 10th, 2018 09:34 pm (UTC)
Re: Review
I'm so glad you enjoyed this! It was a lot of fun to write (Kellerman in general is fun to write), and I always thought he and Sara could have had something if not for her assumptions Kellerman's partner was a romantic one, not a professional one. :D