oh, sammy, if you only knew.... i like the detail that he's really good at something he really doesn't enjoy, whereas john and dean really like what they do. the difference between a job and a calling, maybe. or between having a very personal reason to do something, and not.

oh, sammy, if you only knew
He really has no idea until after Dean comes back to get him, and tells him that while he could search for their Dad alone, he doesn't want to.

As far as Sam can see, he adds nothing to the mix and in fact brings the other two down, and what a relief it will be for everyone concerned when all of them can stop pretending. But he's missing the part where brother/son is important all in itself, and that it will never be quite the same without him.

the difference between a job and a calling, maybe.
Yes, exactly! I've tried to explain this before to people who want me to go into management, or to lead software testing. "Good at" and "want to" are not at all the same thing.

And I think for Sam it's more-- the darkness of what they do eats down into him in a way that John and Dean have long forgotten to even care about.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting, as always. :)

*is all angsty and thinky now*

And after all this time, now that he's back... I'm not sure that he believes otherwise yet.

Thank you, Rinne. :)

Oooh. That last line. *wince*

Awesome, hon.

It points out the difference between how he thinks they feel and what they actually DO feel, doesn't it? And unfortunately, his decision to leave is only based on a small part of the truth. *wibble*

No, Sammy! They love you! They need you! You're the closest thing to innocence either of them will ever have again!

Okay. I'm fine. It's just that your hundred words ripped my heart out. But it'll be fine. I just have to go watch John and Sam hug, is all.

You're the closest thing to innocence either of them will ever have again!
Oh, isn't that the truth. I think that's one of the many things Dean missed about having Sam gone-- his own last traces of innocence were laid to rest in Sam's absence.

I just have to go watch John and Sam hug, is all.
Oh, your icon makes ME feel better too.

What a huge gap between what Sam thought Dean and John felt (rightly so), and what was actually going on. He needed to listen beneath the words, and he didn't. :(

I've been thinking on this prompt for TWO DAYS and yes! Oh course it's Sammy! *flails*

Oh course it's Sammy! *flails*
That's honestly the first thing that came to me-- because with the Winchesters there are three of them already, and one of them has been sure from the get-go that he never, ever belonged.

*angsts some more*

Thanks for reading! :)

Oh, this makes me ache for Sam!

Favorite lines:

They don't bother to include him anymore in the conversation— his attitude spoils the comraderie that keeps them going.

I can see this happening. John simply didn't want to deal with Sam's attitude, and Dean though it was better this way because there would be less tension between Sam and John.

He's an outsider to the Winchester army.

They'll hardly miss him when he's gone.

Oh, Sam. Poor baby.

Very good use of the prompt. :)

John simply didn't want to deal with Sam's attitude, and Dean though it was better this way because there would be less tension between Sam and John.
Yes-- John's reason is frustration, and Dean thought he was making the best choice, but in the end... the message Sam hears is entirely different.

Oh, Sam. Poor baby.
And he just so very much doesn't realize. Even now, after coming back, I don't think he has any idea how very hard it was for John and Dean to have him gone.

Thanks for your comments, as always! And I did want to make sure this met the prompt rather than being more like "outsider". I rewrote a little bit of it for that reason, in fact. :)

He's an outsider to the Winchester army.

They'll hardly miss him when he's gone.

Ouch! Those two lines say so much with so few words. Well done!

Thank you so much!

Oh, I love the challenge of trying to do more with less. Keeps me sharp! :)

You'll make me say it again: Oh, SAM.

It's so much about perception. There's truth in this -- he doesn't feel the same way about the hunts as Dean and John. But Sam also doesn't *get* a lot of other things.

It's so much about perception.
It really is. This is one of the things I love about fanfic vs. original writing-- it's much easier to show that kind of duality with well-established characters, where here you have Sam's POV and the reader understands and believes that he thinks that... but also so clearly knows where he's wrong, and exactly what he's overlooking.

I really love the conflict between surface and substance at times. :)

Awww SAMMY! What would they do without him :(

Sam just has no idea. For Dean, Sam leaving will be taking away the last thing resembling "joy" that he knows anymore. But Sam's too close to the situation to understand that. :(

*cuddles Sam* Baby don't you see that they need you? That we all need you *nods*

Great work!

Thank you!

I sometimes think that the difference between what his family felt about him and what Sam thought they felt about him was one of the biggest deciding factors in going away to college.

And who could blame him, after how John reacted to the whole idea? It must have just cemented every wrong perception Sam already had.

You've managed to wrap up every one of Sam's pre-series feelings into one lovely package.
Oh, I love the way you put this. It really is the history of his discontent, isn't it, with all the mitigating factors falling off invisibly to the side.

He loves his job, loves how it gives him a sense of purpose, a path in life and a way to protect his family all in one nice little package.
Yes-- Dean's a True Believer in the whole family mission, for whatever reason. Whether because he thinks he has no choice or because he truly embraces it-- or whether that choice was over long, long ago once John set himself and his sons on that path.

Also, for whatever reason, I have a feeling that Sam always took the job harder. Nightmares, brooding, discomfort. Unlike Dean, and I bet John did.
When you come right down to it, John was a soldier before and battle-hardened already. Killing unquestionably evil things must be a cakewalk after having to kill people because your government told you to. And Dean, well... how he must have scarred-over after losing his mother, when he lost not only her but his entire childhood all in one blow. Sam had the questionable benefit there of being too young to know what he was "missing," but I've always felt that Dean had it harder at first, much, much harder. That he survived it was also doomed to change him.

Again. Great fic. So much said with so few words. Hemingway would be proud.
Thank you so, so much. Such a lovely compliment, and a wonderfully thoughtful discussion to go with it! ♥

And yet, despite his reluctance, he was one of them. I wonder if that reluctance made him a better soldier in a way.

Thanks for the read.

I wonder if that reluctance made him a better soldier in a way.
This is an excellent question-- because the reluctance forces him to be sure that he's really killing the right things, or handling a situation in the right way. Such as letting Lenore go, because although she was a vampire she had chosen not to be evil (in fact, she was in a position to convert others to her way of thinking). And Gordon, whom Sam did NOT kill, but instead took the path of letting the police deal with him instead. Sam's hands are clean with that choice, Gordon (who was ready to kill Dean several times over, and Sam for what he might become) is punished but not killed, and the man will have some lengthy prison time to ponder his own philosophies.

The hardest part is that what would make Sam a better soldier would also make the job so much harder for him to be. The irony in that is so very, very bitter.

Thanks so much for the thoughtful comments. :)

oh Sam, they need you, Dean bloody needs you.
One of the biggest (and most compelling) tragedies on this show is the way the main characters hurt each other by failing to say what they really, actually think, instead letting their actions mislead the person who most needs to know the truth.

How could Sam know that they felt otherwise (though Dean needing him might not outweigh how very much Sam needed to get out from under John's thumb)? And on the flip side, how can Dean ever know how much both John and Sam loved him when both of them left him so easily, so casually. Augh!

Thank you, Dawnie!

I live for the perfect drabble, as you know-- especially if I can get some real depth in there. :)

Can I add just another Oh, Sammy...? It sums up how I feel rather well.

Oh, yes-- this part of Sam is one I think all of understand so well, even as we know that he heard all the wrong messages in what was meant (though sadly, not said).

Thank you. :)