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08 December 2006 @ 01:24 pm
Prison Break Fanfiction: Who's Sorry Now? (Humor)  
Title: Who’s Sorry Now?
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Agent Kim, Kellerman (Gen, Humor, Crack)
Rating: PG
Summary: Revenge fantasy on everyone’s least favorite FBI agent.
Author’s Notes: This came out of a funny poll on my journal, where alazysod demanded the crackFic version of this. Ouila!

x-x-x-x-x

The way he heard it, Kellerman came in through her bedroom window.

Has to be a lie, though, because that’s impossible. She’s the President. She lives in a virtual fortress made up of the security detail around her.

Still, Kellerman had gotten to her somehow. All those lies and waylaid phone calls Kim had invested in to keep the guy out of the loop, and all it took was two minutes of Kellerman holding her hands and pledging his love for her, and that was it. Kellerman was in, and he was out.

Oh, it wasn’t quite that simple. First, there was the humiliation and flaunting.

“Bill, we have something to tell you.”

“Oh, let me Caroline, please.”

“All right, of course. Go ahead.”

“You’re an orphan, Bill. That’s right!" Kellerman laughed. "I got a little busy on the way over here last night, paid your parents a visit. I see where you get that sharp tongue from, let me tell you. Let’s just say that your mother has nagged her last nag, and the world is grateful."

Kim choked. “You—you bastard!”

“Wait, there’s more. They had a boatload of money lying around the house—probably meant for you, but you won’t have to bother yourself about that. I’m an expert at tidying up.”

"What—"

"Though you could probably use it right about now, because you’re—"

“Fired,” the President finished firmly. “I don’t know what they taught you about loyalty at the Academy, agent Kim, but keeping my right-hand man away from me was neither your duty nor your prerogative.” She swept her arm toward the door. “Agent Kellerman will escort you out of the building. Your personal belongings will be forwarded to you later.”

They’d done Kellerman’s version of the perp-walk, Kellerman smirking and digging his fingers into Kim’s elbow as they moved through the halls. Kim could feel the bounce in Kellerman’s step beside him, and he yanked his arm loose in anger.

“Let go of me!” he’d said.

“Don’t speak.” Kellerman had gripped his elbow again. “You have nothing of interest to say to anyone now, Bill.”

The rest of the day had not gone well, to say the least.

His records were stripped down to the bare bones of firearms training, and yet he still existed. The President must have kept Kellerman from turning the tables and “erasing” him in return, because god knew Kellerman wasn’t that decent. Couldn’t be. Though the thought that he might be kept eating away at Kim, and it wouldn’t go away.

So months later, Kim finds himself exactly eligible to do little more than become a security guard at one of the city’s shopping malls. On the late-hour shifts, after the stores are closed, the job sometimes includes mopping. Kim can hear Kellerman laughing inside his head every time he pulls the bucket out of the utility closet.

"Base to 4A1," Kim’s radio squawks now, as he waits at the food court.

"4A1-Roger."

"Reports of a shoplifter at Sears. I’ll meet you there to show you the ropes."

"But—"

"No ‘buts,’ you’re still a rookie. Get moving. Base out."

If the trash barrel in front of him were Kellerman’s head, it would explode from Kim’s glare, he is sure of it.

This is not the end, he thinks viciously.

His moment of determination is quickly aborted when the little girl pushing past him stumbles and squashes her ice cream all over his pants…


------ fin ------




 
 
 
alazysod on December 8th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
HAHA. omg, halfshellvenus, you own me.

Is it too early to ask for a sequel? :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 8th, 2006 10:24 pm (UTC)
Augh! :0 *flog-flog-flog*

I mean, yes, it probably is too early to ask. Like, ever. ;)

Glad you liked this one, though. So much Kim hatred out there-- I hope to unite us all! :D
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on December 8th, 2006 10:45 pm (UTC)
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Final Hughalfshellvenus on December 8th, 2006 10:49 pm (UTC)
Hi, baby. *squeezles*

I think the "Penguin Break" one was probably more your style. Virtually no knowledge of the show needed! Plus, you know... penguins!

Still hanging in there?
The Grammarian about whom your mother warned you.acostilow on December 8th, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
Penguins! Yay penguins!

Meh. My roommate is a passive-aggressive bitch. Plus everything else.

I need someone to pay me my salary so I can write non-stop. :)
sassy, classy, and a bit smart-assy: Bastard from schmissbadboy_fangirl on December 8th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC)
I've been thinking death might be too good for Kim. You're right, Paul wouldn't want him dead, he'd want him working at Sears. This is fantastic. *loves*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 9th, 2006 06:29 am (UTC)
You're right, Paul wouldn't want him dead, he'd want him working at Sears. This is fantastic. *loves*
Hee! Thank you, Candy. :)

My strange hatred of Agent Kim increases with every snot and smirk he throws out at the screen. And I'm sure Kellerman feels similarly by now. ;) Death is not enough. Lengthy torture and humiliation, though-- might begin to approach what is needed.

"Base to 4A1. Vomit cleanup on Level 2, near the elevator. Out."
sassy, classy, and a bit smart-assybadboy_fangirl on December 10th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC)
What's funny is I used to hate Kellerman like I hate Kim. Now I love Kellerman. Is it possible I could ever love Kim? I don't know....
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 13th, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
If Kim ever stops smirking and smarming, and develops that freaky sociopathic charm Kellerman's got going, well-- anything's possible! But not likely. :D

Kellerman's really grown on me. Something about the huge disconnect between his words and actions is strangely hilarious to me. ;)
sassy, classy, and a bit smart-assy: cute kel from myspellbadboy_fangirl on December 13th, 2006 11:19 pm (UTC)
Something about the huge disconnect between his words and actions is strangely hilarious to me

What's hilarious is when you try to tell pamalax that Paul loves Sara. She about slaps you right through the computer. :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 14th, 2006 01:24 am (UTC)
I'll have to try that, then. ;)

He loves Sara as much as a sociopath can. :D He angsted for a good five minutes at least on the motel bed, trying to work up the nerve to take the torture to the next level. And he picked the wimpy way to kill her (though there was the hacksaw and the bags. Yick.)
I'm for wine and the embrace of questionable women: lincmissyjack on December 9th, 2006 03:09 am (UTC)
Oh just PERFECT! I lvoe a good revenge taking. This would wipe the smile fo Bill's face.

I so heart Kellerman.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 9th, 2006 06:31 am (UTC)
This would wipe the smile fo Bill's face.
I just can't stand the guy. He bugs me more than Tweener ever did. The smirking alone makes me want to hurt him. ;)

Kellerman just... he cracks me up. I can't help it. How many great Chucklehead Sociopathstm can there be? He's awesome. :D
mercurybard on December 9th, 2006 05:50 am (UTC)
Kellerman pledging his love to the Prez?

Kim having to mop?

OMG, this is priceless, and you rock.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 9th, 2006 06:34 am (UTC)
Kellerman pledging his love to the Prez?
Oh, man, he is SO jonesing for her. It was really obvious in the scene where he told her he'd take care of everything (after the attempted poisoning, I think)-- and she put everything in his hands, which must have just made his black little heart sing with glee. He acts like such a betrayed lover now. The poor woman probably has no idea. :0

Kim having to mop?
That was mandatory, absolutely. Being a Mall security guard is not bad enough. There must be janitorial humiliation! That'll take him down a peg or two. ;)

So glad you liked this. It's so close to Crack, but not quite over the edge, I think. ;)
PamalaX: Mandownpamalax on December 9th, 2006 09:25 pm (UTC)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh revenge is so sweet!!

Hopefully my man Alex, reuntied with his beloved family, might find himself shopping in that mall one day, with his beloved wife and son of course, so he can get a few swings in at Mr. Kim too.

Wonderful!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 9th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
so he can get a few swings in at Mr. Kim too.
I certainly hope so, and let me just say-- there is no-one who DOESN'T want to hurt Agent Kim.

Smarm? Meet Fist-Of-Doom. :D
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on December 9th, 2006 10:15 pm (UTC)
Haha! Thank you, Claire! :D
poważny zamyślony kwadrat: PB/Kellermanpellamerethiel on March 17th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
Buhaha, life's a bitch, isn't it, Kimmie? It would be delightful if Alex or Paul went to this shopping mall and accidentally saw him. I'm sure they would love it!:P
Great idea and so well done! Glad I've read it!
Kim must die or finish like he finished here! Yeah, we all hate Kim. ;)

His moment of determination is quickly aborted when the little girl pushing past him stumbles and squashes her ice cream all over his pants…
Great line!:D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: PB Casthalfshellvenus on March 18th, 2007 02:56 am (UTC)
:D Kim so badly needs to wallows in humiliation more than anything.

They can run him down with a car again afterward, but first... "-- vomit spill behind the tree planter in front of Nordstrom's. Over--"