23 March 2014 @ 02:28 pm
LJ Idol Season Nine: "Escalations"  
Escalations
lj idol season nine | week 2 | 370 words
The Missing Stair

x-x-x-x-x


Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for purchasing the JourneyGlide 3000 escalator!

We are confident you will enjoy this product, and that your customers will appreciate our smooth, stately ride.

JourneyGlide—easing the way to a better tomorrow.

On The Move Enterprises, Inc.





On The Move Enterprises, Inc.
950 W. Morris St.
Indianopolis, IN, 46221

Dear Mr. Meyerling,

We have received your inquiry about the JourneyGlide 3000.

Complaints about this model are extremely rare. Our shipping process ensures that all parts are included in the original delivery.

Any missing pieces have most likely been overlooked in one of the boxes we sent you. Please examine all packaging carefully.

Sincerely yours,

Doug Dilinghman
Customer Service
On The Move Enterprises, Inc.





On The Move Enterprises, Inc.
950 W. Morris St.
Indianopolis, IN, 46221

Dear RALPH MYERLING,

We are sorry you are experiencing challenges with the JOURNEYGLIDE 3000.

All products are shipped to purchasers in their entirety, and any impression otherwise is likely the result of confusion. However, our Customer Service department has kindly offered some recommendations that may help you:

First, any escalator gaps can be treated as a fun challenge for travelers! "Hop the crack" and "Goblin got your toes" are among the most popular games. Canes and umbrellas can also be repurposed for pole vaulting. Your JOURNEYGLIDE 3000 can provide endless entertainment for your airport, department store, or shopping mall.

In addition, careless travelers have a tendency to cause trouble. Our product can allow you to identify and eliminate them early on.

On The Move: together, we're going places!

On The Move Enterprises, Inc.





The Federal Trade Commission
Bureau of Consumer Protections
600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20580

Dear Mr. Meyerling,

We have received your complaint regarding On The Move Enterprises, Inc., as well as the photographs you provided of the defective product. Thank you for taking the time to notify us of this issue.

Unfortunately, On The Move Enterprises, Inc., has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and is not in a position to refund your money.

We are sorry we cannot help you at this time. Please contact us again if we can be of any further assistance.

Sincerely yours,
Wade R. Burrows
Bureau of Consumer Protection
Federal Trade Commission


=/=



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( 84 comments — Say what you feel )
kick_galvanic, zagzagael, skull_theatrebleodswean on March 23rd, 2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
Hee! Comedic relief and an epistolary form - win win.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:34 am (UTC)
Thank you! I wanted to keep this short and to the point, with even more entries to read than last week. And yet, the research always takes more time than you think it will!
Desireex_disturbed_x on March 23rd, 2014 09:44 pm (UTC)
This is a product one would never want to buy. :D

You provided me with quite the laugh here!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:34 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed it, even while probably thinking that Mr. Meyerling is screwed.
elledangerelledanger on March 23rd, 2014 10:11 pm (UTC)
Ahhhhhh the best part is - none of the above is far removed from reality. Nicely done.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:36 am (UTC)
There's a whole hidden meta-layer here on blaming the victim and acting as if "other people find this fun, and do not have a problem with it."

But I'm sure a lot of corporations come pretty close in this kind of situation. And you only imagine that your damaged product is damaged!
(no subject) - elledanger on March 24th, 2014 06:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
Jennkickthehobbit on March 23rd, 2014 11:04 pm (UTC)
Ha, I loved this. :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:36 am (UTC)
Yay! Thank you. :)
kecharasmoonkecharasmoon on March 23rd, 2014 11:18 pm (UTC)
This was seriously hilarious. Well done!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:37 am (UTC)
Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed the humor. :)
Dan: Peregrinemuchtooarrogant on March 23rd, 2014 11:40 pm (UTC)
Absolutely hilarious, and as always, quite clever as well.

"Goblin got your toes" LOL

Dan
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:38 am (UTC)
"Goblin got your toes" seemed like such a horrible and yet truly political or corporate spin on something like, "Holy crap, it's eating my feet!"

The problem isn't the escalator. It's your attitude about the escalator!
(no subject) - muchtooarrogant on March 25th, 2014 11:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
i_will_not_say: Teacup Rosei_will_not_say on March 24th, 2014 12:29 am (UTC)
This was most amusing! :D :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:38 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Pika the Brazen Ninjaporn_this_way on March 24th, 2014 01:07 am (UTC)
I think you accidentally tagged this as "fiction"...

Heh heh. This was a blast to read, and unfortunately, seems to be based on MANY true stories from the lives of just about everyone.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:40 am (UTC)
Hahaha-- I like to say that the best parts of satire are the ones that are true, but they're also the most terrible. This kind of attempt to spin defects as features is just all too common any more!
cindytsuki_no_bara on March 24th, 2014 03:29 am (UTC)
i love this! short, sweet, really funny.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 06:41 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
Donnellejexia on March 24th, 2014 08:01 am (UTC)
Bwahaha!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 05:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you-- glad you enjoyed it!
swirlsofblueswirlsofblue on March 24th, 2014 10:50 am (UTC)
Funny! Very different take, love it! :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 05:49 pm (UTC)
Worst possible kind of actual missing stair I can imagine-- when the staircase moves! And those stairs are big. :O
Awesomely creepyagirlnamedluna on March 24th, 2014 12:21 pm (UTC)
This sounds like you were channeling actual customer experiences from everywhere xD
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 05:49 pm (UTC)
At least the "deny the problem" part. Yikes!
Teo Sayseternal_ot on March 24th, 2014 02:46 pm (UTC)
Haha...loved it! Good work! Cheers!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 07:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much!
adoptedwriteradoptedwriter on March 24th, 2014 02:51 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! It happens! Fun to read. AW
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 07:08 pm (UTC)
Product Quality Verification-- what AM it? ;)
suesniffsgluesuesniffsglue on March 24th, 2014 07:13 pm (UTC)
Nice! This was a good read in the midst of some heavier interpretations!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 24th, 2014 07:34 pm (UTC)
I was hoping it would offer some variety and relief. It's nice to get multiple flavors of a prompt, to let people write to the approach that speaks to them.:)
Your Facekandigurl on March 25th, 2014 12:01 am (UTC)
HA, very cute. :) I particularly liked the "fun games" suggestion on the part of the company. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 01:22 am (UTC)
Aren't the games horrifying? Well, to a normal person? :D
whipchickwhipchick on March 25th, 2014 03:39 am (UTC)
I so enjoyed this, form and content :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 04:02 am (UTC)
Thank you! You probably would not believe the amount of time I spent researching viable addresses and how to make a ratty-looking different font, as if someone had typed the "current" information onto an old form letter.

There's always more auxiliary work than you expect-- at least if you're fussy about details, as I tend to be!
(no subject) - whipchick on March 25th, 2014 04:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Veronica Richveronica_rich on March 25th, 2014 04:26 am (UTC)
Cute idea!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 04:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! In the abstract, I feel like it's an experience too many of us have had all too often. :)
Kelen Conleybhyphen on March 25th, 2014 01:39 pm (UTC)
You had me at "Goblin got your toes".
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 04:45 pm (UTC)
It's so wrong! And yet, the "wrong" is often the funniest. :D
★: [ .LARA. ] ★ keep climbingachacunsagloire on March 25th, 2014 04:38 pm (UTC)
Ha! Nice satire. I was wondering, though: why is he addressed by his first name in the third letter? And why is there no signature at the end of that same letter?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 04:49 pm (UTC)
I looked for a good, "ratty" font online, but wasn't sure it would have broad HTML support-- so I went for the closest thing.

The different text, the first name, the no signature... that third letter is like a "form letter" sent out to persistent complainers about a truly defective product... where a secretary just types the name of the person and product onto the form later. In this case, you can imagine that this company has more than one defective product.

This cheap-and-dirty method of handling complaints used to be way more common back in the day, before computers and printers were so popular. So, that was a little low-tech humor there... but I knew not everyone would probably recognize it. Sorry!
(no subject) - achacunsagloire on March 25th, 2014 06:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
i_17bingoi_17bingo on March 25th, 2014 07:03 pm (UTC)
JourneyGlide 3000

This sounds like something... not an escalator.

The best part is that they never have problems, but have all sorts of solutions and suggestions in place for the problems they never have.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 07:31 pm (UTC)
Exactly-- there ARE no problems, but if there were... you could further deny them with these fabulous techniques.

Just as long as it keeps you from getting a refund...
rayasorayaso on March 25th, 2014 08:03 pm (UTC)
Really wonderful. I laughed at the "fun challenges," and the way you didn't specifically say that a stair was missing. Great fun.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 08:26 pm (UTC)
I figured that, given the prompt, the "fun games" would give the reader a very clear idea of what was wrong with that escalator.

And coporate denial is an art of its own. :D
sarcasmoqueen: Dumbosarcasmoqueen on March 25th, 2014 08:15 pm (UTC)
Loved this!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 25th, 2014 08:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
lawchickylawchicky on March 25th, 2014 09:39 pm (UTC)
Hehehe
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 26th, 2014 12:40 am (UTC)
Mwah-ha-ha-ha! :D
basric: Death at Daybreak GIFbasric on March 26th, 2014 09:28 am (UTC)
That sounds about right. Original format. I enjoyed and amused.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on March 26th, 2014 04:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

At least, in the end, the company's business model got them what they deserved. But not the poor customer!
( 84 comments — Say what you feel )
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