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16 October 2009 @ 10:38 am
Supernatural Gen Fiction: "Don't Come Knockin'" (Rufus, PG-13)  
Title: Don't Come Knockin'
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Rufus (Gen, Humor)
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Summary: Everyone has a different idea of what constitutes Halloween fun.
Author's Notes: For spn_halloween and the prompt of, "What? Rufus always answers his door with a shotgun."
Also for writers_choice ("Halloween").

x-x-x-x-x

Rufus was putting up the last of the storm windows when the phone rang in the kitchen.

He growled.

Probably some fool asking for money—let the machine get it. November was coming, and this was the first weekend in ages without rain. He fitted the sash.

"Rufus, pick up the damn phone."

Hell no, he wouldn't. He'd call Bobby back when he was good and ready, not halfway up a stepstool with a mouthful of nails. Bobby only ever called when he wanted something anyway, and Rufus was fresh out of give-a-damn.

Thirty minutes later, he locked the tools in the shed and went inside to wash up before dinner. The light on the answering machine was blinking, but he'd already done all the chores he cared to for one day, and his throat was dry. He poured a glass of Johnny Walker and looked through the mail instead.

Department Of Law Enforcement. What now, another fundraiser? Sure as hell wouldn't be some parking ticket, not in this town—you'd have to leave your truck on the sidewalk first.


Dear Mr. Turner,                             			October 29, 2008

The Department has received complaints from neighboring citizens about the
excessive use of lighting on your property at 2559 West Elm Avenue. 

City Code 5A7.4c sub-paragraph 12 restricts residential lighting to a total of
no more than seven thousand watts. 

Your property is in violation of this code, and must comply within seven days
or be subject to fines.

                                        Sergeant William Anderson
                                        Department of Law Enforcement
                                        Canaan, Vermont


That sonofabitch Bill, with his officious titles—like Rufus hadn't run into him at the hardware store just last weekend!

He threw the letter on the table. So now a man couldn't keep his home safe? You let the perimeter collapse and anything could happen. Well fine—he'd kill the klieg lights and install more motion-triggered lamps, move them higher on the house so they'd be out of reach from ground position.

Let the damn bureaucrats chew on that.

The doorbell rang. Rufus picked up his shotgun and checked the video monitors to see who the hell was there.

Uniform, clipboard, package. He opened the door.

"F-Fed Ex," the man outside stammered. "Delivery for Mr. Turner, if you could just sign," he finished with a squeak, thrusting the clipboard at Rufus.

"All right." Rufus stood the shotgun against the doorframe and added his signature.

"Your package," the man said, snatching the clipboard back and shoving a box into Rufus' hands. He bolted to the delivery van and roared off down the street.

Rufus watched him go. Eventually the man would learn to just leave the packages on the porch, like U.P.S. and the post-office did. Saved everybody unnecessary trouble.

The box was from Solvang Harper, a hunter in Wisconsin. Rufus opened it to find the copper bowl and the set of silver-tipped crossbow arrows he'd asked Harper to send him last week.

He owed the man now. Payment would probably be in wood-based weaponry and herbs, unless Harper was chasing something new.

Rufus put the box on the table, glancing out the window. It got dark so fast this time of year, and here he was, standing like a target inside his lit-up house. He closed the curtains and blinds, careful not to disturb the salt lines on the windowsills. He was all the way around to the back of the house when the doorbell rang again.

Haven't even had my damn dinner yet. He picked up the shotgun and cracked open the door.

Bunch of kids in costumes—a witch, a devil, and an astronaut.

"Trick—"

He opened the door the rest of the way. A woman screamed and darted over, snatching the kids up and hustling them down the stairs. They vanished into the shadows.

Must be new in town. They'd learn—people always did.

Rufus shut the door again, and turned on the stove to heat up some chili. He hoped that'd be the last interruption for a while. It wasn't like he could turn the porch light off, now that it was all that stood between him and the kinds of things that roamed the night. Goddamn city council and their tightass rules, making him shut down his best defenses. The video cameras were fine during the day, but they'd be useless at night without enough light to show what was out there.

The can opener was in a drawer near the phone, and it reminded him to check the answering machine.

"Rufus, this is Bobby. Are you there? Why the hell do I even—of course you are, you never leave the house. Rufus, pick up the damn phone… Jesus Christ, you're slower than an old woman… All right then, fine. I just called to remind you that it's Halloween, so don't—"

Rufus hit the Delete button. As if a hunter with all his years of experience couldn't keep track of the calendar his own damn self! What kind of idiot did Bobby Singer think he was?

It made him so mad, he'd have salted and burned the message tape except he didn't have a backup. He poured himself another drink of whiskey and ate his chili instead.

He had a nice buzz going when the doorbell rang again. The video monitor showed a pair of teenagers decked out like zombies. Rufus went to the door and pump-loaded the shotgun nice and loud before mounting it on his shoulder and opening the door to aim the barrel out the crack.

"Holy shit!" one of the kids yelled. The two of them thudded down off the porch.

"That's right, you'd better run!" Rufus hollered, listening to their footsteps scatter down the street.

He couldn't help grinning as he closed the door, knowing he was pushing things and might be on the verge of earning another letter from the police.

So—like he even gave a damn anyway.

As far as he was concerned, the evening was finally starting to get interesting.


-------- fin --------

 
 
kunju: dean is having a great timeinnie_darling on October 16th, 2009 06:09 pm (UTC)
Hee! This was my prompt, and I'm so pleased with this - Rufus is exactly cantankerous enough, and I love the thought of Bobby trying to make sure that on this one day, Rufus doesn't open the door brandishing his shotgun.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 16th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
Hahaha! I wondered whose prompt that was-- it was awesome!

Rufus is even crankier than Bobby, and for some reason that's a lot of fun to write.

Plus, on our worst days, I think we all wish we felt free enough to be as snappish and intolerant as he is. ;)

I'm glad you liked this-- and thanks for the great idea for a story. I could not resist this one even for a second! :D
Celtic_Forestceltic_forest on October 16th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
Very funny! Fresh out of give a damn- hee hee!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 16th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed this!

I think "fresh out of give-a-damn" is probably a perpetual state for Rufus.

And I kind of secretly envy that. Must be kind of fun, being such a crank!
peeps wanna see peeps boink: hee!musesfool on October 17th, 2009 03:06 am (UTC)
Hee!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:46 am (UTC)
The man completely cracks me up-- what an awesome idea for a story!
meiou_setmeiou_set on October 17th, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
Lol'ed and loved it. Rufus was dead on. He's such a curmugeon and I love him for it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:47 am (UTC)
He's such a curmugeon and I love him for it!

He just SO doesn't care, and that makes it even funnier. Plus, there's a certain awesomeness to his being such an unrepentant hardass. \o/
brigid_tanner: Bobby-laughingbrigid_tanner on October 17th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
LOL!! I love Rufus. He's so cranky he makes Bobby look mellow :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:50 am (UTC)
He's so cranky he makes Bobby look mellow :)

That's one of the things I love about him. We met Bobby in S2, and he was kind of a crank, but Bobby's an amateur compared to Rufus. It's like Rufus never encountered anything that didn't piss him off. :D
cindytsuki_no_bara on October 17th, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
HEEE. i love this. i love that rufus is so cranky and so "i don't give a shit" about everything. and i am SO glad i'm not a trick-or-treating kid in his neighborhood.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:52 am (UTC)
i love that rufus is so cranky and so "i don't give a shit" about everything.

And he's almost gleeful about it. I rewatched the 3x15 episode with him and Dean, and Rufus was all, "This is how you're spending your last three weeks? Wouldn't matter anyway, 'cause you're already doomed. Heh-heh-heh."

I can't tell you how much fun it is to write someone like that!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:53 am (UTC)
Re: heh
Apparently EVERY day of the year is equally as bad. Rufus doesn't like dealing with people at all, so he'd be happy to make you miserable if you make the mistake of drawing his attention. ;)
happy is as happy does: LMAO - SPNhappywriter06 on October 17th, 2009 04:52 am (UTC)
Chill Rufus. Scarring kids for life. *idea pops into head* I wonder what would've happened if John had met up with Rufus with wee!Dean and wee!Sam in tow. Probably comedy gold!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphorshalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
I wonder what would've happened if John had met up with Rufus with wee!Dean and wee!Sam in tow. Probably comedy gold!

:D The beginnings of five years of "porch phobia" for Sam and Dean, and a knock-down drag-out in the living room after Rufus scared John's boys. \o/
(no subject) - happywriter06 on October 18th, 2009 10:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
ErinRua: so baderinrua on October 17th, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
Oh, my gosh, this totally ROCKS! A slice of Rufus!life. This is priceless, and it's so right and I absolutely love your weird and creative brain. Thanks for sharing this!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:56 am (UTC)
Yay, I'm so glad you enjoyed this! Oh, he was SO much fun to write. The man has NO TOLERANCE for other human beings whatsoever. :D
abi z: writingazephirin on October 17th, 2009 05:46 am (UTC)
*snorfle* Awesome! :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:56 am (UTC)
Hee! Thank you!
direbansheedirebanshee on October 17th, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
omg! i was hearing Rufus' voice in my head as i was reading this. you are awesome!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 06:59 am (UTC)
Whoo-hoo! That's exactly the kind of thing I like to hear!

Rewatching the episode with Dean at Rufus' house... my god, the man was priceless.

Stuff like this, The doorbell rang. Rufus picked up his shotgun and checked the video monitors to see who the hell was there-- you just know that's exactly what he's thinking. Every phone call, every knock or ringing of the doorbell is just someone showing up to bother him.

I'm surprised he doesn't have an invisible electric fence. :D
undecisive and so not trying: rock it!one_2_3_4 on October 17th, 2009 10:41 am (UTC)
Haha, love what you did with this, Rufus is such a great character!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 04:36 pm (UTC)
:D Thank you! Oh, he's fun to work with. That short fuse and those paranoid tendencies only make him funnier!
tabaqui: bobbyglyphbyangstpuppytabaqui on October 17th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
BWAAAAAhahahahahaha.

Perfect. :)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC)
Hee! If it weren't for the lack of groceries and electricity, I'm not sure Rufus would mind a post-apocalyptic world all that much. It'd get rid of all those other damn people who're always bothering him!
getting the chocolate in the peanut butter: spn:impaladotfic on October 17th, 2009 04:53 pm (UTC)
Bweeee, that is so very Rufus!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Dot! :D
labseraphlabseraph on October 17th, 2009 05:14 pm (UTC)
LOL! I so could see this happen. I love how well you flesh out a guest character and give him/her a story of their own. You even made me like some of them!

*grin*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
Rufus is not a patient man by any means, but he's funny whether he realizes it or not. Well, as long as you're not on the other end of that shotgun!

Glad you enjoyed this. :D
randomstasis: krokirefur pierandomstasis on October 17th, 2009 08:13 pm (UTC)
Heee!
Bad Rufus! May he live in interesting times..
(And I do wish I was a trick-or-treater in that neighborhood- Halloween is just no fun these days)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 17th, 2009 09:10 pm (UTC)
So bad, and yet he just doesn't care! He must like modern conveniences, or he'd be living in the mountains like a hermit instead. Probably get along with the bears better than the people, too. :D
The Rogue Bitch.roguebitch on October 18th, 2009 01:15 am (UTC)

*sporfle*

Oh, that's HILARIOUS. ;->
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2009 02:59 am (UTC)
Hee! Glad you enjoyed it!

He's so crabby, and so unapologetic about it. It's funny to have a character that makes Bobby seem warm and fuzzy on the outside, by comparison. :)
(no subject) - roguebitch on October 19th, 2009 01:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
CaffieneKitty: smilecaffienekitty on October 18th, 2009 03:08 am (UTC)
*grins* Awesome!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2009 06:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! Who knew Rufus would be so much fun to write? :0
keerawakeerawa on October 18th, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)
Bwahahahahahaha!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Laugh SPNhalfshellvenus on October 18th, 2009 07:12 am (UTC)
Don't we all WISH we could get away with the kind of stuff Rufus does? There may not be a single ounce of patience in that man's body. :D
jorma_duranjorma_duran on October 18th, 2009 12:49 pm (UTC)
This is great! Makes me love Rufus.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 19th, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
That's a lovely compliment-- thank you!

Rufus is hilariously cranky, from an audience's perspective, and for himself... he might be somewhat aware of his behavior, but he's probably like most of us and doesn't think it's that extreme. :0
_: motel from supernaturalulkis on October 22nd, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed this.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
Yay-- I'm happy to hear that!

Rufus is so incredibly cranky that he crosses over into funny. NOT that he'd agree with that at all. :0
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad! Oh, this character is fun. Just those short scenes with Dean on his porch, and then inside the house, spoke volumes about the man. :D
faithintheboysfaithintheboys on October 24th, 2009 11:05 pm (UTC)
Hee! Awesome job! I love your Rufus!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 25th, 2009 12:29 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had such a good time with him, and with the way the outside world just keeps yanking his chain in ways large and small. At least, that's how HE sees it. ;)
Maerhys: √ when sam smilesmaerhys on October 31st, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
I found it!!!!! RUFUS FTW!!!

e had a nice buzz going when the doorbell rang again. The video monitor showed a pair of teenagers decked out like zombies. Rufus went to the door and pump-loaded the shotgun nice and loud before mounting it on his shoulder and opening the door to aim the barrel out the crack.

"Holy shit!" one of the kids yelled. The two of them thudded down off the porch.

"That's right, you'd better run!" Rufus hollered, listening to their footsteps scatter down the street.


I have never LOL'd so hard. You must write more Rufus, you have his voice down perfectly. I love this, hon; I have to bookmark it right now.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Halloweenhalfshellvenus on October 31st, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)
You found it!

Oh, I had the best time writing this story-- both the little "annoyances" that kept showing up to yank Rufus' chain, and his uniquely crabby-ass personality.

This part alone, The doorbell rang. Rufus picked up his shotgun and checked the video monitors to see who the hell was there....

you just know that's exactly how he feels about people calling him on the phone or ringing the doorbell: "Who the hell is it now?"

That prompt was just irresistible-- I started writing it the day I claimed it. Rufus FTW! \o/
not so secretly sybariticallivrelibre on November 10th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
Awesome! I love Rufus in all his cranky glory.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on November 12th, 2009 06:15 am (UTC)
Yay! I get such a kick out of him, and his total lack of patience with the world. The "extreme video monitoring" of his property said it all-- he was more wired up than a 7-11 in a bad neighborhood!