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27 May 2009 @ 11:07 pm
Supernatural Slash Fiction: "Hanging On The Hope Of When" (Sam/Dean, 4x22 Coda, PG-13)  
Title: Hanging On The Hope Of When
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Sam/Dean (Slash)
Rating: PG-13
Summary (4x22, "Lucifer Rising" Coda): Dean used to think Sam knew...
Author's Notes: A belated birthday present for the lovely particlesofgale, who asked for this flavor of Sam/Dean story. The drabble form of this was too long, and I decided to expand it rather than trim it. I hope you like it!
Also for my spn_25 challenge, this is "Belong."

x-x-x-x-x

Dean used to think Sam knew, back before.

Before Stanford, because surely that was why Sam ran away and never looked back, why he started acting like he'd never had a brother or a family at all. For years, Dean thought it was then.

Later, Dean decided it was before Dad died. That whole long period (almost a year) when Sam kept his distance through all those tight places and broken dreams, that must have been because he knew. But once Dad was gone, Sam's sudden need for unending reassurance was more than Dean could handle. Clearly, he'd been wrong: Sam wouldn't have asked for that if he knew how much—absolutely everything, down to the name written on his soul—Dean had always been ready to give him.

Sam really should have known when the Hell hounds came to drag Dean to his fate. The fact of what Dean traded for Sam's life couldn't have been clearer—it was laid out as solid proof in tears and blood. Sam couldn't possibly have missed it, he'd have to have been blind.

When Dean came back from Hell, with both Sam and the world so different, he was sure that knowledge must have been part of what allowed Ruby to get her hooks into Sam so well and deep. Sam had to have been relieved to be free of the shadow of Dean's unholy love. How could any of them know that freedom wouldn't last?

Even if he couldn't pinpoint exactly when it was, Dean figured Sam must have known sometime—hell, he had to. How else could he have felt so safe in leaving, in rejecting Dean and every part of their past? It had to be because he knew Dean would always be waiting for him, just hanging on the hope of his return.

Now Ruby was dead, and Sam's eyes were finally open. He and Dean were on the verge of being able to set things right between them, but for the new threat rising up before they could even begin.

In the car, after they drove for daylight and the illusion of safety, Dean stopped to rest on the side of a forgotten road. Sam crowded him, pushing his way into a hug that Dean would never have admitted needing. Sam's whispered words fell past him, lost in the scents that overwhelmed the ache in Dean's heart—brimstone, blood, and the smell that was uniquely Sam. Dean was still reeling from the relief of it when Sam pulled back suddenly and kissed him until Dean shook.

It didn't matter, Dean realized, the question of when or if Sam ever knew. So long as they finally had this, whether it was for a lifetime or the next few hours, he could take whatever was coming.

Never again and I'm sorry, Sam said, and Dean held on tight and let the years of hopelessness fade away.

Whether it was demon blood or danger behind his change of heart, Sam was finally as much Dean's as Dean had always been his.



----------fin ----------

 
 
 
Trini: awesometrinipedia on May 28th, 2009 08:33 am (UTC)
SO. DARN. PERFECT.

*blown away*

you are INCREDIBLE. *blinks, stares at the page and then read it again*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 28th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
This is definitely what I wanted after the S4 finale-- a year+ worth of distance closed to nothing, especially with what's facing them.

Debbie's prompt led into that really nicely!
tekmessa: Sam holding on to Deantekmessa on May 28th, 2009 12:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, Dean! You captured perfectly the way Dean always worried about not knowing what exactly Sam knows about his feelings, while he never thought it was necessary to say it out loud. I believe that Sam was thinking something similar for most of his life about Dean.

It didn't matter, Dean realized, the question of when or if Sam ever knew. So long as they finally had this, whether it was for a lifetime or the next few hours, he could take whatever was coming.

I really like this part especially.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 28th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
You captured perfectly the way Dean always worried about not knowing what exactly Sam knows about his feelings, while he never thought it was necessary to say it out loud.

Given that those feelings are little more than they should be, we know why he would never say it. But while he can't help showing it, in general Dean fears being that vulnerable because Sam truly is everything and has all the more power to hurt him.

I'm glad you liked that part near the end, too. We don't know what's coming, but we know it won't be good. And yet, so long as the boys are together that's what really counts. :)
gunznammo2gunznammo2 on May 28th, 2009 12:44 pm (UTC)
I can see Dean holding on for years waiting for his Sammy to come to his senses and find what's been there all along - Dean's unconditional love for him. It hurts but that's what love can do to you sometimes. It's worth the pain and uncertainty. Your story expressed that beautifully.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 01:02 am (UTC)
It hurts but that's what love can do to you sometimes. It's worth the pain and uncertainty.
Even in a Gen sense, Dean's love IS unconditional, and to a large extent it defines who he is even when it brings him pain instead of joy.

To have Sam finally return it fully, and without the threat of leaving again, is everything Dean could ever want.

Thanks so much for commenting!
Dawnie: SPN - S4 hug - dont leave medawnie1970 on May 28th, 2009 12:58 pm (UTC)
*loves madly*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
Thank you, Dawnie! And oh, what a perfect icon for this particular story. :)
zenamydogzenamydog on May 28th, 2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
Aww... Love the last line!

Well done.

Z
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:39 am (UTC)
Thank you! That thought will always be my personal canon, Gen or otherwise.

If only the show treated them so kindly...
Stephanielemanya on May 28th, 2009 01:21 pm (UTC)
oh, you do write the most beautiful drabbles and ficlets.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
This one actually started out as a drabble, but at 136 words it was too long and no part of that story could be cut!

Hope it didn't lose too much in the translation. :)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:41 am (UTC)
Thank you, Jules!
Sarah: Winchesters at graveyardyaoifangirl16 on May 28th, 2009 05:57 pm (UTC)
You write such AWESOME ficlets! You are just so COOL! I really, really enjoyed this! XD Keep it up!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it-- it leaves a better feeling heading into the hiatus, now, doesn't it?
Sarah: with a fuck fuck fuck hereyaoifangirl16 on May 29th, 2009 07:28 am (UTC)
There headed into a hiatus? For how long?
Of course your stories always leave me with a better feeling!--Your stories are awesome!! :D
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: SN Lovershalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 07:33 am (UTC)
Well, Season 4's over here, so the show won't come back until September, probably.

We'll all be living on fanfic in the meantime!
Sarah: Sarcasm: bpdy's natural defenseyaoifangirl16 on May 29th, 2009 07:51 am (UTC)
I live on fanfic everyday regardless! :D
metallicarskankmetallicarskank on May 28th, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Can I just say........WORD!!!! This is absolutely them. Thank you so much for this...made my whole day!!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:44 am (UTC)
Yay-- making someone's day gives me such a happy feeling. :D

Thank you!
mangacat201mangacat201 on May 28th, 2009 07:47 pm (UTC)
awwwww--- Deano... Sammy... you live boys, you live, you hear me?
Cat
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:45 am (UTC)
They had darn well better. I don't want anything happening to either of them! And I'm tired of them being dragged through the mud, literally and figuratively.

A little kindess, a measure of relief... it would be SO welcome.
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you think so! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Maerhys: √ when sam smilesmaerhys on May 28th, 2009 08:45 pm (UTC)
Sam was finally as much Dean's as Dean had always been his.

*guh* This is beautiful, and this last line is especially cutting.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 05:55 am (UTC)
The prompt request I got drove everything toward that final line. That's the happy ending Dean would never dare to hope for, and god but we'd offer it up to him if we could!
brigid_tanner: boys-ties that bind hugbrigid_tanner on May 29th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
Lovely. Glad Sam finally realized what Dean was offering and that they belong together.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 06:05 am (UTC)
Or that Sam suddenly knew what he wanted, for whatever reason, and it happily coincided with the very definition of Dean's happiness. Oh, boys...
Anthrogeeke (Brynnydd): SPN SD Mine BWanthrogeeke on May 29th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC)
Oh Dean *smishes him*

Sam was finally as much Dean's as Dean had always been his.


So utterly perfect.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
Thank you, Brynydd! And do I ever recognize that icon. ;)
layne: spn boundlayne67 on May 29th, 2009 04:27 am (UTC)
Yes, yes. Sam should have known. Dean's love is there for all to see. Why was he so blind before?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 29th, 2009 06:08 am (UTC)
Perhaps because the love was always there, Sam took it for granted-- looked past it instead of at it. As Dean suspected, it might have been the very thing that gave Sam the strength to walk away, more than once. *sniffle*
veritasveritas_st on May 29th, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
You blow me away with every post honey and this is no exception. Outstanding!

xx
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 30th, 2009 08:06 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you so much! What a lovely thing to say! :)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on May 30th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
I am SO happy to hear this!

Between your prompt and the season ending (with the boys finally reunited, emotionally), this is the first thing that came to mind, and I really hoped it would hit the spot for you. ♥

I love the feeling here of Dean's steadfast love, his guarded yearning
Both so VERY true of Dean. That describes both his love and his fears so perfectly, and all the reader can hope for is that some day Sam will return all of that to Dean in full. *sigh*

Yay! I'm so glad you liked it. :D
tyrical: RPS_Jensen_sexy lipstyrical on June 1st, 2009 02:17 pm (UTC)
Dean's desperation is so tangible.
This feeling overrides everything even being sent to hell.
This is a torturous love.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Diner Deanhalfshellvenus on June 1st, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC)
It truly is-- it consumes him, it drives his decisions and the color of his day-to-day life, and he second-guesses Sam's every reaction because of it.
oximore: crossroad demonoximore on June 2nd, 2009 06:15 pm (UTC)
UTTER MAJOR WIN!!!

(I really needed that)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: SN Lovershalfshellvenus on June 2nd, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you liked this! Given how long we waited for anything like an emotional reunion between the boys this year, the canon parts went by AWFULLY quickly.

Hope this helped remedy that a little. :)
bonbonschnecke: Smilesbonbonschnecke on June 8th, 2009 10:26 am (UTC)
Amazing!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam/Dean kisshalfshellvenus on June 8th, 2009 06:13 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it-- gives us all a chance to wallow in a happy extended post-S4 finale space. :)