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22 October 2008 @ 10:28 am
Supernatural Gen Fiction: A Pig And No Poke (PG, Crack)  
Title: A Pig And No Poke (A Non-Kosher 'Connection')
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters, Dean/Miss Piggy, Sam (Gen, Crack)
Rating: PG
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. More of the win_non_con booty for the drac_suite team!

x-x-x-x-x

"He was the handsomest thing I've ever seen—and that includes Kermie," the porcine puppet said. She tossed her hair carelessly, accidentally tangling it over an ear.

"Of course, he could not resist the charms of moi." She leaned forward, batting felt-fringe eyelashes at her attentive, blue-beaked friend. "And not a moment too soon. These small-town gigs are the worst. A girl could die of boredom in a place like this."

She turned her gaze wistfully toward the window.

~*~

Dean opened the door hurriedly and swung inside, slamming it behind him and fastening both locks.

"Rock salt?" Sam asked from the table where he was doing research.

"It won't help, I’m almost sure of it. Get the rope, and one of the shotguns."

Sam dug through their stash of in-room armaments while Dean peeked nervously through the motel blinds. "What the hell happened out there, anyway?"

Dean turned away, leaning back against the door and planting his feet. "I was attacked by a Furry."

"A what?" Sam handed him the shotgun.

"A—never mind, you're too young."

"You always say that. I'm twenty-four now."

Dean backed away from the door and sat down, shotgun ready for anything that might come bursting in. "Some freak in a pig costume came onto me when I was checking out the old theater just now."

"Someone who worked there, dressed up for a play?"

"No," Dean said. "Well, probably not. It'd have to be a midget, for one thing, and how much work can there be for a midget in a pig suit?"

"Um… Animal Farm as a musical? Some sort of avant-garde production of Othello?"

"Get serious." Dean ran a hand over his face, then scrubbed more fiercely as his fingers lit on traces of fuzzy fibers sticking to his beard stubble. "This is Nebraska—they don't go for that kind of weirdness here."

"And yet, you got attacked by someone in a pig costume."

"I said there's no audience for weird here, I didn't say the area was lacking in twisted individuals."

"So, what—you couldn't outrun the pig? You thought it might overpower you?"

Dean scowled. "It wasn't like that. I just… one minute I was looking through one of the back corridors, and the next this pig-person in a silver jumpsuit was climbing all over me. It was talking in fake French in this high-pitched voice, and then—"

"Go on."

"It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam! I'll go to my grave with the feeling of tongue-fur etched in my brain." Dean got up abruptly and went into the bathroom, running the water and gargling noisily.

"So?" Sam said. "Come on, Dean, you've been through worse—we've had run-ins with zombies, and you've been slimed more times than I can count."

"It's not the same!" Dean argued. "It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"

"Okay, okay," Dean patted Sam's shoulder clumsily, then paced a short path around the motel table. His eyes fell on his duffel bag, where he kept a flask of whiskey, then drifted back to the shotgun still clenched in his hand.

"It's all right, I'll get it for you," Sam said. He dug out the flask and took off the cap, holding the container out for Dean.

"Thanks." Dean downed a heavy shot, choking a little as it burned its way through his mouth.

"So what're we going to do now? I mean, we still have the case to solve and everything."

Dean kept staring at the door, his hand never leaving the shotgun. "I've changed my mind. I say this is our case for the time being—whatever came after me today isn't human, not with a tongue like that. Could be a shapeshifter, or some kind of demon."

"Are you serious? Are we really going to drop everything and head off on some personal mission to avenge your wounded manhood?"

"Hell yeah, Sammy—it's the Winchester way."

"It is not," Sam grumbled, "it's delusional and stupid."

"Whatever." Dean gestured toward the ammunitions bag with the gun. "Just set up the salt lines and shut up."

"Dean…"

"And before you say anything else," Dean added firmly, "I call first watch."


-------- fin --------

 
 
 
elanurelelanurel on October 22nd, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
I absolutely adore your brain. ;-P
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 05:36 pm (UTC)
Hee! I wish I could claim that it was my idea, but at least the _result_ is mine. The other teams went for picspam, which honestly did not occur to me. :0

Especially when you can make it this painful. :D
cindy: spn - dean greeneyestsuki_no_bara on October 22nd, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
"i was attacked by a furry." animal farm, the musical. tongue-fur. "it's like you and that time with the tentacles - " "it's delusional and stupid."

sometimes your brain scares me.... but dude, this is funny. (and i don't blame miss piggy at all. :D )
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
sometimes your brain scares me....
Oh, me too. :0

I think this is all made worse by writing it starting at about 11pm or later. :0

and i don't blame miss piggy at all. :D
Me either. She likes the finer things in life, and as prettiness goes that's definitely Dean! :)
Not Quite by Firelighttahirire on October 22nd, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam!

*starts to lose it*

"It's not the same!" Dean argued. "It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"


*totally loses it*

LMAO. LMAOLMAO. OMG. I have ALWAYS hated Miss Piggy. I hope Dean smokes her. HA. SMOKES. *dies*

*Rotfl*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
OMG. I have ALWAYS hated Miss Piggy. I hope Dean smokes her. HA. SMOKES. *dies*

Hahaha! Actually, I've never liked her either-- Go Dean, go!

Glad to put a little fun in your day. :D
shaitanah: slashershaitanah on October 22nd, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD!!!! *dies of laughter* This is... beyond words))))
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
It's cracktastic! Whoo-hoo! \o/
katbcollkatbcoll on October 22nd, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
*flails muchly*
I *gasps for breath*
Oh... *howls*
*dies*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
Re: *flails muchly*
Yes! Success! Whoo-hoo~~~~ \o/
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
So much love for Sam being too young to know about furries!
Boy, until a few years ago _I_ didn't know about them either! Always the vanilla member of the party, I'm afraid.

So glad you liked this-- all the teams had incredible booty for win_non_con, and SO much fun came out of it. :D
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaahhhh! What, you didn't like my attempt to dodge the horrific details, other than what we got from Dean? *shudders*

Darn if that wasn't squicky enough already! :D
The Huntresshuntress69 on October 22nd, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Ah, thank you for this, I so needed a giggle. And have you ever read What Kind of Day Has It Been? It's cracky and a Muppet show X-over.

Edited at 2008-10-22 07:28 pm (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
I haven't read that yet-- I'll put it on my list! I know people have loved it, though I'm still all over Missyjack's "A Very Muppet Supernatural" picspam. :D

The more giggles the better-- I may have added another ten minutes to your lifespan today! *hopes*
iamstealthyoneiamstealthyone on October 22nd, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
Miss Piggy accosting Dean … tee hee.

This was quite the fun read. *g*

Favorite lines:

"I was attacked by a Furry."

LOL!

"It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam! I'll go to my grave with the feeling of tongue-fur etched in my brain."

*snickers*

"It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"


*g* Poor, traumatized Sam. *pets him*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
It crackes me up that Dean's mind would go immediately to a known sexual Kink area rather than the more obvious supernatural interpretation. Well, obvious for him!

*g* Poor, traumatized Sam. *pets him*
There HAVE been Sam/tentacles fics in the fandom. I haven't read them yet, but I know they exist!
(no subject) - iamstealthyone on October 23rd, 2008 04:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
:D The tentacles have shown up in other people's stories, and Sam is usually the victim there. I think Dean managed to finally convey the TRUE HORROR of the occasion to Sam with that remark. :D

Glad you enjoyed this!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! Icon perfection For The Win! \o/
teand: SPN Sam beerteand on October 22nd, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
"I was attacked by a Furry."

Bwha! Bad touching!

Poor, poor Dean! I totally understand his reaction! (But I totally understand Miss Piggy jumping him too so...)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
Bwha! Bad touching!
Ha, no kidding! I squicked myself just even mentioning that!

But I totally understand Miss Piggy jumping him too so...
I know. I can't think of much of anything that could resist Dean, so long as he doesn't talk. :0
...for you are crunchycascadewaters on October 22nd, 2008 10:39 pm (UTC)
LOLOL!!!!! Love it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
:D Thank you very much!
scarlett_oscarlett_o on October 22nd, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
This is sooo wrong and really I just want more. *facepalm*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Yay!halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
HaHA! My work here is done, then! \o/
brigid_tanner: Sam-not drunk enoughbrigid_tanner on October 22nd, 2008 11:04 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
Not even Nebraska is safe anymore! :0
Cody: JustGoofymercurybard on October 23rd, 2008 01:36 am (UTC)
it's the Winchester way."
"It is not," Sam grumbled, "it's delusional and stupid."

...which could be a working definition of the Winchester way!

And, personally, I hope they salt and burn her. *shudders at the thought of Miss Piggy*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
...which could be a working definition of the Winchester way!
I totally agree! Though I doubt Dean would be happy with that little piece of insight. ;)

And, personally, I hope they salt and burn her. *shudders at the thought of Miss Piggy*
She actually annoys me quite a bit (it's the narcissism), so I'm all for a "Lord Of The Flies" moment where she's concerned. ;)
Kronette: SPN-WTF?kronette on October 23rd, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
I am so disturbed by the idea of Muppets on SPN. Even worse, Miss Piggy. But she would totally hook onto Dean in a major way, though only because he's slightly less tall than Sam. If Sam was sitting down, he'd totally get a lap dance

I'll tell you my secret here instead of your quiz post - the first non-school-assigned story I wrote was of...Miss Piggy/Kermit. Yep, me and two other girls were passing a note filled to the brim with things I honestly don't want to recall, though my unhelpful instant-recall brain tells me that baby pig-frog-whatevers were involved *shudder*. And to frighten you, I'll add that this was in the 4th grade. *grins*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 04:15 am (UTC)
I can only think that Miss Piggy would like both the Winchester boys far too much. *shudders*

And to frighten you, I'll add that this was in the 4th grade. *grins*
You were all budding fanfic writers, and didn't even know it! \o/
kayto1kayto1 on October 23rd, 2008 02:23 am (UTC)
Heeee!
My favorite part - when Dean couldn't get his own whiskey because he wasn't willing to put down the shotgun - nice show there!

And heh. Miss PIggy - the female Muppet equivalent of Dean - yeah, you better run Winchesters!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 04:16 am (UTC)
Re: Heeee!
My favorite part - when Dean couldn't get his own whiskey because he wasn't willing to put down the shotgun - nice show there!
I can't blame him-- the tongue-fur incident could happen again at any time if he doesn't maintain constant vigiliance!

Miss PIggy - the female Muppet equivalent of Dean - yeah, you better run Winchesters!!
And yet, you have to think that Dean might just deserve the ironic consequences headed his way. ;)
Mel: s.  dean why not (by awmp)thatotherperv on October 23rd, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
"I was attacked by a Furry."
*CACKLES* oh god.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 05:22 pm (UTC)
Can you imagine the horror? :0

I'm glad you enjoyed it! \o/
seerargentseerargent on October 23rd, 2008 08:12 pm (UTC)
Tongue-fur and Dean's 'wounded manhood' - OMG. Crack just doesn't get any better than this. Thank you!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Yay!halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
You're welcome! Glad to improve the random in your day. :D
hermione_vader: approvedhermione_vader on October 23rd, 2008 08:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, God, that's awesome! Miss Piggy would have a thing for Dean! This is too funny and cute! I'm trying really hard not to LOL because I'm in the library, and it's really difficult.

Now I have a plot bunny where Sam and Dean crash the Impala into the Muppet Show and end up as the guest performers (like the Star Wars episode). That would be insane.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
More crack is exactly what the fandom needs-- helps keep those wank wars down. :D

I really have to thank the win_non_con mods for assigning this idea, because I would never have written it on my own. Other crack perhaps, but not this particular fuzzy flavor. ;)
Fangirlage like WHOA.: SPN // JSquared - ILUhopelessfangirl on October 23rd, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
LOLLLLLLL. Just wait till Kermit hears about this and goes to beat Dean with his banjo. ;)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
:D Actually, if I recall the Piggy/Kermit dynamic correctly, Kermit would be falling all over himself with relief and probably gift Dean with several bottles of Scotch.

Therefore unwittingly making himself yet another Unnatural Lifeform Target. :0

Edited at 2008-10-23 10:15 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - hopelessfangirl on October 23rd, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
pretty pink porn master jedi: spn - dean - score - moving fistiesvamptastica on October 24th, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
*giggles* why did i get a vision of kermie standing up for his piggy and frogs guts goin flying?

Oh god...this is awesome, twisted and wonderful.

only dean could get furry tongue. ;)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
Somehow, I think Kermit would be at home happily changing all the locks and breaking out cake and ice cream. ;)

Oh god...this is awesome, twisted and wonderful.
Twisted! Yes-- that's totally what I'm aiming for! :D
happy is as happy does: Dude - SPNhappywriter06 on October 24th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
"It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam! I'll go to my grave with the feeling of tongue-fur etched in my brain."
Started laughing at 8:43 and didn't stop till 8:46.

Miss Piggy has good taste. Too bad she's a little, I mean a lot much, with it.

I would love too see this acted out. Is there something wrong with me?
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
Started laughing at 8:43 and didn't stop till 8:46.
Whoo-hoo! That's the whole point of crack, I tell you. *glee*

Too bad she's a little, I mean a lot much, with it.
That was always one of the problems I had with her. Too much everything, but most especially self-satisfaction. Bleh.

I would love too see this acted out. Is there something wrong with me?
*hastily throws hand-puppets behind sofa* Yes, yes there is. ;)
labseraphlabseraph on October 24th, 2008 02:22 pm (UTC)
Miss Piggy sure got good taste. And what a lucky pig (pun!) for getting to get her tongue down Dean's throat. :D.

Your brain sure is a fantastical landscape. Scary and entertaining.
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 24th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
And what a lucky pig (pun!) for getting to get her tongue down Dean's throat. :D.
Ha! She's thinking "OOooh, so perfect" and Dean's thinking "Ack! Dying here!" I love the irony. :D

Scary and entertaining.
Why, thank you! I have to mix it with the art so that people don't think I'm entirely loony (or on the other hand, unrelentingly serious). :D