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22 October 2008 @ 10:28 am
Supernatural Gen Fiction: A Pig And No Poke (PG, Crack)  
Title: A Pig And No Poke (A Non-Kosher 'Connection')
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters, Dean/Miss Piggy, Sam (Gen, Crack)
Rating: PG
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. More of the win_non_con booty for the drac_suite team!

x-x-x-x-x

"He was the handsomest thing I've ever seen—and that includes Kermie," the porcine puppet said. She tossed her hair carelessly, accidentally tangling it over an ear.

"Of course, he could not resist the charms of moi." She leaned forward, batting felt-fringe eyelashes at her attentive, blue-beaked friend. "And not a moment too soon. These small-town gigs are the worst. A girl could die of boredom in a place like this."

She turned her gaze wistfully toward the window.

~*~

Dean opened the door hurriedly and swung inside, slamming it behind him and fastening both locks.

"Rock salt?" Sam asked from the table where he was doing research.

"It won't help, I’m almost sure of it. Get the rope, and one of the shotguns."

Sam dug through their stash of in-room armaments while Dean peeked nervously through the motel blinds. "What the hell happened out there, anyway?"

Dean turned away, leaning back against the door and planting his feet. "I was attacked by a Furry."

"A what?" Sam handed him the shotgun.

"A—never mind, you're too young."

"You always say that. I'm twenty-four now."

Dean backed away from the door and sat down, shotgun ready for anything that might come bursting in. "Some freak in a pig costume came onto me when I was checking out the old theater just now."

"Someone who worked there, dressed up for a play?"

"No," Dean said. "Well, probably not. It'd have to be a midget, for one thing, and how much work can there be for a midget in a pig suit?"

"Um… Animal Farm as a musical? Some sort of avant-garde production of Othello?"

"Get serious." Dean ran a hand over his face, then scrubbed more fiercely as his fingers lit on traces of fuzzy fibers sticking to his beard stubble. "This is Nebraska—they don't go for that kind of weirdness here."

"And yet, you got attacked by someone in a pig costume."

"I said there's no audience for weird here, I didn't say the area was lacking in twisted individuals."

"So, what—you couldn't outrun the pig? You thought it might overpower you?"

Dean scowled. "It wasn't like that. I just… one minute I was looking through one of the back corridors, and the next this pig-person in a silver jumpsuit was climbing all over me. It was talking in fake French in this high-pitched voice, and then—"

"Go on."

"It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam! I'll go to my grave with the feeling of tongue-fur etched in my brain." Dean got up abruptly and went into the bathroom, running the water and gargling noisily.

"So?" Sam said. "Come on, Dean, you've been through worse—we've had run-ins with zombies, and you've been slimed more times than I can count."

"It's not the same!" Dean argued. "It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"

"Okay, okay," Dean patted Sam's shoulder clumsily, then paced a short path around the motel table. His eyes fell on his duffel bag, where he kept a flask of whiskey, then drifted back to the shotgun still clenched in his hand.

"It's all right, I'll get it for you," Sam said. He dug out the flask and took off the cap, holding the container out for Dean.

"Thanks." Dean downed a heavy shot, choking a little as it burned its way through his mouth.

"So what're we going to do now? I mean, we still have the case to solve and everything."

Dean kept staring at the door, his hand never leaving the shotgun. "I've changed my mind. I say this is our case for the time being—whatever came after me today isn't human, not with a tongue like that. Could be a shapeshifter, or some kind of demon."

"Are you serious? Are we really going to drop everything and head off on some personal mission to avenge your wounded manhood?"

"Hell yeah, Sammy—it's the Winchester way."

"It is not," Sam grumbled, "it's delusional and stupid."

"Whatever." Dean gestured toward the ammunitions bag with the gun. "Just set up the salt lines and shut up."

"Dean…"

"And before you say anything else," Dean added firmly, "I call first watch."


-------- fin --------

 
 
 
elanurelelanurel on October 22nd, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
I absolutely adore your brain. ;-P
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 05:36 pm (UTC)
Hee! I wish I could claim that it was my idea, but at least the _result_ is mine. The other teams went for picspam, which honestly did not occur to me. :0

Especially when you can make it this painful. :D
cindy: spn - dean greeneyestsuki_no_bara on October 22nd, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
"i was attacked by a furry." animal farm, the musical. tongue-fur. "it's like you and that time with the tentacles - " "it's delusional and stupid."

sometimes your brain scares me.... but dude, this is funny. (and i don't blame miss piggy at all. :D )
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
sometimes your brain scares me....
Oh, me too. :0

I think this is all made worse by writing it starting at about 11pm or later. :0

and i don't blame miss piggy at all. :D
Me either. She likes the finer things in life, and as prettiness goes that's definitely Dean! :)
Not Quite by Firelighttahirire on October 22nd, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam!

*starts to lose it*

"It's not the same!" Dean argued. "It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"


*totally loses it*

LMAO. LMAOLMAO. OMG. I have ALWAYS hated Miss Piggy. I hope Dean smokes her. HA. SMOKES. *dies*

*Rotfl*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
OMG. I have ALWAYS hated Miss Piggy. I hope Dean smokes her. HA. SMOKES. *dies*

Hahaha! Actually, I've never liked her either-- Go Dean, go!

Glad to put a little fun in your day. :D
shaitanah: slashershaitanah on October 22nd, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD!!!! *dies of laughter* This is... beyond words))))
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
It's cracktastic! Whoo-hoo! \o/
katbcollkatbcoll on October 22nd, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
*flails muchly*
I *gasps for breath*
Oh... *howls*
*dies*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Hughalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
Re: *flails muchly*
Yes! Success! Whoo-hoo~~~~ \o/
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
So much love for Sam being too young to know about furries!
Boy, until a few years ago _I_ didn't know about them either! Always the vanilla member of the party, I'm afraid.

So glad you liked this-- all the teams had incredible booty for win_non_con, and SO much fun came out of it. :D
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaahhhh! What, you didn't like my attempt to dodge the horrific details, other than what we got from Dean? *shudders*

Darn if that wasn't squicky enough already! :D
The Huntresshuntress69 on October 22nd, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Ah, thank you for this, I so needed a giggle. And have you ever read What Kind of Day Has It Been? It's cracky and a Muppet show X-over.

Edited at 2008-10-22 07:28 pm (UTC)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
I haven't read that yet-- I'll put it on my list! I know people have loved it, though I'm still all over Missyjack's "A Very Muppet Supernatural" picspam. :D

The more giggles the better-- I may have added another ten minutes to your lifespan today! *hopes*
iamstealthyoneiamstealthyone on October 22nd, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
Miss Piggy accosting Dean … tee hee.

This was quite the fun read. *g*

Favorite lines:

"I was attacked by a Furry."

LOL!

"It kissed me. There was tongue-fur, Sam! I'll go to my grave with the feeling of tongue-fur etched in my brain."

*snickers*

"It's like you and that time with the tentacles—"

"You promised never to bring that up again!"


*g* Poor, traumatized Sam. *pets him*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 22nd, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
It crackes me up that Dean's mind would go immediately to a known sexual Kink area rather than the more obvious supernatural interpretation. Well, obvious for him!

*g* Poor, traumatized Sam. *pets him*
There HAVE been Sam/tentacles fics in the fandom. I haven't read them yet, but I know they exist!
(no subject) - iamstealthyone on October 23rd, 2008 04:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
:D The tentacles have shown up in other people's stories, and Sam is usually the victim there. I think Dean managed to finally convey the TRUE HORROR of the occasion to Sam with that remark. :D

Glad you enjoyed this!
(Deleted comment)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Sam & Dean Genhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:02 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! Icon perfection For The Win! \o/
teand: SPN Sam beerteand on October 22nd, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
"I was attacked by a Furry."

Bwha! Bad touching!

Poor, poor Dean! I totally understand his reaction! (But I totally understand Miss Piggy jumping him too so...)
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
Bwha! Bad touching!
Ha, no kidding! I squicked myself just even mentioning that!

But I totally understand Miss Piggy jumping him too so...
I know. I can't think of much of anything that could resist Dean, so long as he doesn't talk. :0
...for you are crunchycascadewaters on October 22nd, 2008 10:39 pm (UTC)
LOLOL!!!!! Love it!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: heh-hehhalfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
:D Thank you very much!
scarlett_oscarlett_o on October 22nd, 2008 11:00 pm (UTC)
This is sooo wrong and really I just want more. *facepalm*
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Yay!halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
HaHA! My work here is done, then! \o/
brigid_tanner: Sam-not drunk enoughbrigid_tanner on October 22nd, 2008 11:04 pm (UTC)
LMAO!!
The Coalition For Disturbing Metaphors: Huh?halfshellvenus on October 23rd, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
Not even Nebraska is safe anymore! :0